Tried to beat the ocd.

[Guest Beth]

I'm losing my temper with myself. I had decided to do my homework not only by hand but in pen aswell . A brave decision. I thought it looked easy and picked up the pen with confidence, and I wrote my name and went over a few letters because they didn't join up properly or something else, and then I began the title and I wrote the first word and wrote the next word and got stuck on the 'd' as the line didn't look right, moved to the next word, and some of the letters were curved at the bottom but they didn't touch the line and I couldn't fix it and gave up. Piece of paper wasted.

Started another one, oh my, I went to write the letter when I moved my hand to brush my hair back behind my ear, my brain suddenly said 'You can't use that paper now because you got distracted'. Second piece of paper wasted. This time I go to write and I get a need to move my hair again as it's annoying me, but I can't I have to block the thought til I get passed the first letter at least. I get passed the letter and wait to move my hair til I've finished writing my name, I give up half way through my surname, why I hear you ask, because the letters don't look quite right. What the hell is wrong with me?

Before this I thought I was feeling confident and had thought that perhaps the 'ocd' I have is just a teenage phase and is now passing. Well I still think if I do have it that it's a teenage phase but I'm not sure it's gone quite yet. I've given up, and I'll be doing my homework on the computer yet again, oh well at least it will be neat, but if any of the ink gets smudged or one line is slightly faded after printing, I will most likely be sending it to print again, and I'll avoid reading it through after printing because if I notice a mistake I've made, I'll correct it and re-send it to print.

Beth

P.S. I just remembered something, in one of my GCSE English exams in June 2004(which I either got an A or a B for) I had the choice in the last question to write about a sad thing which had happened to me and how I'd overcome I think and wasn't as bad now, I chose this option and wrote about the effects of 9/11 terrorist attack on me and how it triggered all this, and how I hoped to get help. I remember it being emotional to write and that I took ten minutes to tell myself to do it, I always though prior to the exam that if that kind of question came up I could write about it. I was so worried about doing it and after I thought what if the teachers get the exam paper back and find out (at the time I'd only told one friend what I was going through and none of my family knew I think). The whole summer holiday I thought about it and I still think the English teachers might find out or already know. I'm proud I did it though because I think it was that part that got me the A grade.

[Guest aeon]

Remember that it is the actual content, i.e. what you are saying, that is way more important than the presentation.

Remember that other people don't care anywhere near as much as you do about how the writing looks, as long as they can read it, they really don't care.

At school I used to write neatly, but then I realised how much it was slowing me down, and by the time I reached Uni I would cross things out, scribble, left, right and centre.

I suggest you practice handing in some scruffily written stuff. Tolerate the anxiety that this will create, because it's content, not presentation, that other people will be more concerned with.

Stay well away from paracetemol in future. You will have to experience anxiety in life, but it is well worth it to have the experience of living.

Good luck

aeon

[Guest Heryn]

if any of the ink gets smudged or one line is slightly faded after printing, I will most likely be sending it to print again, and I'll avoid reading it through after printing because if I notice a mistake I've made, I'll correct it and re-send it to print.

40586[/snapback]

*nods* I do this pretty much every time, too. I didn't know it could also be categorised as OCD.

I think aeon is right; although it does sound, and will be, difficult, don't stop trying. I'm trying not to. Good luck,

Heryn

[Guest gemgem]

please dont give up. maybe start small and buikld up? the first time i awent to chris' loo he had to come in with me and check the loo beforehand and flush it after!!!! start small n build up, youll beat it if u keep going. try n do one brave thing a day, (no matter how small it is), gemma

[Guest Beth]

Erm this is just to let you know, I give up. I have a timed essay tommorow, on my last one I got a U because I didn't write enough. I thought I should prepare for the essay and get a head start by writing my name and the essay question on a piece of paper, in pen! I tried, and 14 pieces of paper later I'm here. On most I only got to my name, and actually only half way to the 'b' in Elizabeth. I'd look at paper and if it was creased, I couldn't use it, if my 'E' was curved at the bottom (often is how I write it) I'd have to start again. It was weird though I tried to write just naturally no going back, and I got to the end of the question and something in me deliberatley messed it up, and I feel really bad for it.

Also this is an essay I know the question too, how will I cope when I don't the know the question like in the actual exam, I give up, I can't even get passed the name, if I could cry I would.

Beth

[Guest Gurstang]

Beth

good luck on your essay, it will be hard but you can do it. Don't try to dwell too much on tonights problems, try to see it as a sucess. You did start to write in pen and that is a major achievement.

the fact that you had trouble just meanes that you have something to aim for. I couldn't be prouder of you .

You are facing your demons and that is no mean feat. you may not have beaten them this time but you've put your feet on the road to sucess.

Here's a peice of advice Beth that probably goes against alot of what your teachers have told you, and that is exams are only a piece of paper. :tongue: You can still lead a rich and productive life without such papers, and if you feel the need to have such then there is always the possability of returning to college at night school to gain those. Trust me, its what i'm doing.

Good luck Beth

[Caramoole]

So, you couldn't get past the name??

So what, that was tonight, tomporrow's another day (and I'm not going to correct that typo just to show it can be done ) You win some you lose some You tried...and that's a start. You can get past it, you're just going to feel some discomfort but you're trying.

Your first post was very well written, and dare I say it, with a tiny touch of tongue in cheek

Seriously, it's frustrating and no it's not that easy, if it were we wouldn't all be here but you at least started with the right attitude, keep going

Caramoole

[Guest Beth]

Ok so I had to write three essay today! The teachers must hate me, three lessons and an essay in each one. First essay in English which a teacher who I don't know if she likes me and so there was an awkward silence as I was the only person in class today, it was quite hard, I rubbed out a lot. Second essay in history, I did rub out a lot bu I think it got easier as I went on, I decided to try and put it out of my mind and started thinking about what I was writing because this was the timed essay that I was worried about last night as it is like practicing (don't know if that's spelt right) for my exam.

Then came the third essay, I knew I'd be doing the other two but I didn't know about this. Three words, Oh. My. God. This was my English lesson with no one else but me and a different teacher to the earlier English lesson. I like this lesson because the teacher is really good. Though I felt guilty because I got an E in his exam (an actual proper exam I'm now re-sitting) but he said that he thought I'd get a B because I'm the most able student in the class and I write really well ( don't you love it when people lie). I love English. I have two passions in life, photography and English and so when I had trouble writing it really upset me because I usually write and have a surge of ideas. Then it stopped because I'd get stuck on words.

Then today to start with I had a lot of trouble writing my name and once I got past that and into writing, everything went great, my ideas started flowing and I just wrote, and I got stuck on a few words but that was it, I rubbed them out re-wrote them like once I think and carried on. It was great. I wrote a page and a half in under 45 minutes and although the content may have been bad, I feel happy about it considering what happened last night, but when I think of writing I still see it as a daunting thing and are scared of it.

Maybe it was just that lesson, I don't know.

Beth.

[Guest Muse_Man]

Well done Beth!!!!

Now you have achieved this you can always look back if things get bad and think to yourself that you have made progress before.

Its extremely hard to confront OCD but not IMPOSSIBLE!!! When you stopped the urge to rewrite did you feel anxious at all, if so that is normal, it is that feeling that you have to confront.

You have to remember (like someone said before) content is more important presentation when writting essays, as long as it is legible, the person assessing will not mark you on writting presentation.

Keep going! If it doesnt work tommorrow dont get to dissappinted and dont give up, think longterm, watch out for improvements.

Stuart :hug:

[Guest aeon]

Beth

Are you able to tell me why you can't leave a word badly written? e.g. why can't you write an E in the wrong way?

What is it that you fear about doing this? What do you think will happen if you leave something on the page badly written?

Thanks

aeon

[Caramoole]

Well Done Beth, I've got every faith in you :lol2:

[Guest Beth]

To answer your question Aeon, I haven't a clue. I just need for my words to look right, if not then I re-write them. When I was in year 7 I used to have bad handwriting adn one of my teachers constantly made me aware of this. Ever since I've been aware of how I write, and I feel ashamed if my handwriting is neat. Most teachers (especially the very sexist ones) seem to think that girls should have neater handwriting and this made me even more aware of how I write and so I feel it has to look right. Even to the point where if I finish a sentence that takes half a line, there must be an equal number of words otherwise I begin to kinda ramble to add words. It's become a problem to the point that if I'm a having a bad ocd day then i count the number of words in sentences to make sure that they're equal.

Suddenly this just began to manifest itself in this way, I've always had a thing about writing my name clearly because if I didn't and the teacher held my work up in class it would be embarrassing and everyone would know I'm a messy writer, which I'm not that bad anymore, but I refuse to lend anyone my notes just incase they judge me on my handwriting, because how I write depends sheerly on my mood, it changes regulary.

I'm just incredibly self-conscious. Thats the only reason I can think of.

Thanx to everyone for your support, and also for allowing me to nag and nag, I know it's annoying, so sorry.

Beth

[Guest aeon]

Just bear in mind as long as people can read someone's writing, they don't care that much about what it looks like, they are instead going to be concerned about what concerns them in life.

I for one couldn't give a hoot what your writing looks like, as long as I could read it. I would say most people would be the same.

Hope this helps

aeon