Past questions, feel sick, wont go away

[Iolana]

I feel terrible coming back here especially as I haven't been on here for years, like I'm wasting all of your time, so I'm sorry. I've managed so well having finished my therapy just under two years ago and I thought I'd never hit a bad patch again but I have and I'm really scared.

I've use to fear about images of nasty sick things popping into my head, about hurting kids killing people but I'm able to cope with them because I can tell myself they're just make believe, just thoughts. It's what I call real things or solid things I can't cope with.

My therapist told me that I can't question the past because you can never find answers, be certain about what's the truth or not but I keep questioning over and over again.

I read fan fiction about tv shows, when I was early twenties, eight years a go I use to read fiction from the net about famous actors musicians or footballers. I only read a few but I liked to read about my favorite people in relationships with their team mates or band members. I only read about my favorite characters from tv shows now a days and over the years I've read thousands and thousands but I question if that football story was about the footballer being a little kid with an older footballer. I question if the police will find that I read that story and arrest me, I question why I would read such a story when I know over the years I just want to read about my favorite characters/ people not some sick young kiddie story. I know the musician story had the character being in a relationship with another band mate and having being abused as a kid but it had a story line.

I never talked to my last therapist about real people fiction or the worry over how young the people in the story was because I've always questioned it but then able to reassure myself with, it was just a story just words and I love complex/sexy romantic/ stories not just some sort of peado nasty piece of writing. But what if I did read something evil, what does that mean about me?

Every time I try to remember the story I feel sick in my stomach and it just reinforces that I'm a sick evil being.

I did talk to my first therapist about the fiction and he told me it's just words, they're not real but I just can't stop feeling sick/guilty/worried.

I don't want to be a pedophile, I don't want to be arrested, even though I want to confess to some police. I've confessed to my parents over and over again and they say it's just words nothing bad's going to happen but I feel sick, I can't eat and my body hurts. I can't stop feeling guilty/sick/worried. I can't do anything, I can't end it because I'm petrified of dying but I hate this living.

How can I live with real things from the past it's not the same as real things that have happened?

I was signed off from the therapist two years ago and my action plan that we wrote up isn't working.

I'm so so sorry for coming here and wasting your time I'm just so low and tired and I hate myself so much.

[whitebeam]

Hi lolana

You're not wasting anyone's time. The reason for this forum is for people to reach out when they need help and for people to help and support when they can.

It sounds as if you are in a cycle of thoughts which are driving your anxiety and this is what OCD's about. I don't know what sort of exposure work you could do based on your symptoms - but I think probably someone has some experience of this and may have found a way that helps.

I think we are entitled to rapid treatment (or something) if OCD recurs so it would be a good idea to get back in touch with your GP who can refer you back to a psychologist or whatever.

Take care and believe that you can get through this - you were able to do so before so why should this time be any different?

whitebeam

[Iolana]

Thanks for replying. When I finished the CBT in 2010 they signed me off their services because I was okay, I am going to see my doctor on Tuesday. I'm not sure what else to do.

[fefee]

hi lona , sorry to hear ocd has come back , hopefully it will clear up quicly once u had some cbt xx