Northern Star

[Northern Star]

Hi again, just an update as I haven't been around on here for a little while.

Quite a lot of stuff has happened. My psychologist told me on Tues that apparently the CMHT and my consultant that I saw when I was in hospital don't agree with her (psych) that I have depression...which seems odd...but now I heard on Friday that the psych has asked the CMHT to re-assess me, which they are going to do on Wed afternoon.

Also, I have just left school on Fri. That made things worse because I won't be seeing my friends everyday anymore, although we will of course be keeping in touch and going out and stuff, but it won't be the same.

I have started my A levels. On instruction of my school I am in the process of applying for special consideration because of acute depression. I don't want special consideration but according to them I deserve it.

I have started doing some OCD (contamination) stuff that I haven't done in over a year, which is annoying but I can't manage to stop it now.

The overriding thing in my life now is acute depression. The last week has been bad, starting on Monday with a comment from someone which destroyed the last bit of self-worth that I had. Since Fri, I have had a black cloud over me, which I know is severe depression but I can't shake it off. I have no energy for anything, am spending a lot of time asleep. Every day I get suicidal feelings, lots of times every day. On Fri night I decided I was going to phone the psych tomorrow because I was having such difficulty shaking them off but now I haven't even got the will or energy to do that.

I am also having issues with eating again. A few times recently I have tried to make myself sick after eating, including about 40 mins ago when I tried to.

Thanks for reading, anyone who made it this far.

[Guest C*]

hi Jo

do sorry to hear that you've been having a hard time of it.

don't really know much about depression i'm afraid. it's clearly very difficult, but as others have said, it CAN get better.

take care, big virtual hugs to you!

[Guest Trish]

Dear Jo,

I am so sorry that you are still feeling terribly depressed. Hopefully it will start to improve soon.

As far as your exams go, you certainly deserve special consideration. I understand how you feel about it, Jo, but let the school help you.

Don't think that anyone's forgotten you, Jo.

Love,

Trish.

[Northern Star]

Thanks you 2 :huh:

I phoned the psych this morning, she persuaded me to go to see my GP which I did this afternoon and asked her to put me back on anti-depressants, which she did. It does bring its own problems, in that it's now another way to hurt myself . She only gave me 14 day supply, partly because that's when the side effects should have worn off by and also I think cos they don't want to give me a lot for the reason I just mentioned. I haven't told my family, cos my parents are against meds and I don't want them fussing over me.

The psych is going to phone me again tomorrow to see how I am. I have an exam in the morning which is a re-sit and which I know I am going to fluff up, but today she and I have been focussing on keeping me alive.

[Guest tattyhead]

Hi

don't think i have spoken with you before. Sorry you are going through a rough patch, but try to see it as just that - a patch. It will pass.

I refer to your quote

all you need is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. You have both of those on this site in abundance, so never feel alone.

You are a strong person who is taking all the necessary steps to make yourself better.

Take care and look after yourself.

Jane

[Guest C*]

sounds like you're making progress Jo. please please please try not to worry too much about the exams, they are never as important as they seem while you're doing them! i know i sound properly patronising saying that but you know how old i am so hopefully that helps!

anyway it does sound like you have your priorities right.

everything i said before and more, take care and big hugs keep us posted xxxx

[whitebeam]

Hi Jo,

Sorry you're still feeling so bad; I wouldn't be surprised if the impending exams are causing you more anxiety which is making you do those things you've not done for a while.

I think it's good that the school is encouraging you to apply for special consideration - they must be able to observe the change in you from a happy girl who was performing well, to someone who finds it hard to concentrate and hasn't been finishing work and what have you. Also, I'm sure the've seen a change in you and your general disposition.

Your psych sounds nice. It's good she's going to (has already?) phone you this morning.

Good luck with your exam - do what you can, but like C* says - they're not the be all and end all.

Take care and keep in touch

whitebeam

[Northern Star]

Thank you :lol:

Is this OCD and depression and suicidal desires ever going to go away? I am in the middle of sending a very distressed email to the Samaritans. I am finding it so hard to keep my head above water and I can see no hope at all :Canada:

[whitebeam]

Thank you

Is this OCD and depression and suicidal desires ever going to go away? I am in the middle of sending a very distressed email to the Samaritans. I am finding it so hard to keep my head above water and I can see no hope at all  :Canada: 

46425[/snapback]

Jo,

It will go away - or at least diminish to the extent that you will be able to cope with it. Once your treatment gets a bit further along, I'm sure you'll start moving in the right direction and seeing that light at the end of the tunnel.

You're having such a tough time of it at the moment; I wish I knew what to say to make things better.

Take care and do believe things can and will get better :lol:

whitebeam

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Is this OCD and depression and suicidal desires ever going to go away?

46425[/snapback]

YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will, YES they will (depression & suicidal feelings) and YES you will manage the OCD.

:huh:

[Caramoole]

Good Luck with the assessment Jo

You will get better, just hang on in there. When you're in the middle of the brown stuff it's hard to see hope or improvement, that's depression and it robs hope savagely. It might not seem much but I think (through your posts) that there is an improvement, and it will improve more.

You take care, don't worry about exams or school, you can catch all of that up later.

Thinking of you tommorrow :huh:

Caramoole

[Northern Star]

Last night was very bad. I was intending to slit my wrist. OCD is starting to affect me more in a bad way as well; it's really getting me down with the huge amounts of washing I'm doing.

I saw the psych this morning and felt very depressed before, during and after that, but then my mood lifted a bit. I went for a very long drive in the hills in the rain.

This afternoon I saw the CMHT. I saw a CPN and some stupid care support woman who I would have gladly punched. She really ****** me off . I felt like I was basically being blamed for being depressed and suicidal and that if I really wanted to then I could snap out of it. That's basically what she was saying anyway. I don't know what others think on here but I don't think acute depression is something that you can 'just snap out of'. I felt like I was being treated like a disobedient schoolgirl.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

At least my psych is nice and down-to-earth and sensible :clap:

[Caramoole]

At least my psych is nice and down-to-earth and sensible 

At least that's good news

And no, you can't just snap out of depression.

Stay strong

Caramoole

[Guest maria]

Hi Jo

Hope your feeling better

Lots of love

xxxxx

[Northern Star]

This afternoon I saw the  CMHT. I saw a CPN and some stupid  care support woman who I would have gladly punched. She really ****** me off .

Just expanding on this...she basically said I had lost it. At that point I had to fight not to walk out.

[Northern Star]

Ahem...drum roll please :hug:

I have some news

I am officially feeling ok-ish at the mo . I was desperate earlier, went to a bridge to have a look, but since I came home I have been keeping busy all evening and I am feeling so much better than I was earlier . I know it'll come and go but just thought I'd share this while I'm not in the depths of depression.

P.S. will also hopefully start taking meds tomorrow if I remember to

[Stephen]

:hug:

[Northern Star]

Had a rough night last night. The evening was OK but at about quarter to midnight i just got really upset and just cried and cried. I curled up on my bed with a teddy bear ( ) and cried. It's a good job there was no-one around because I must have sounded almost hysterical.

But what I am proud of myself for (makes a change that I can find something good about myself) is that I got through it on my own. I want to be able to cope with things and be able to bear my own company and maybe last night was the first step to that .

[dandielion]

Hi Jo, I've only just found this thread after being absent from the site for a few weeks. Sorry to hear how bad things are for you just now. From what I've read the exams aren't helping your situation but like everyone else says, don't worry about them so much. They can always be re-sat and there are lots of other options for you if you don't pass as many exams as you'd like.

Also, if you can get through this mega stressful time then you will be able to get through anything. Getting through the next few months will make you a much stronger person and you'll feel so proud of yourself.

I thought about suicide a few years ago but there really is no painless quick way out. All options have their own terrifying outcomes, believe me I did my research and realised that it is extremely difficult to kill yourself and there are so many people out here who want and need you to get through this. Hang in there, you've done really well so far.

[Guest hope125]

you should be proud of yourself because you are wonderful and much stronger than you realise! you are doing brilliantly.

love

hope

xxxx

[Guest tattyhead]

Hi

You are a fighter. Keep strong. Take good care

Jane

[Guest ScottOCDid]

But what I am proud of myself for (makes a change that I can find something good about myself) is that I got through it on my own. I want to be able to cope with things and be able to bear my own company and maybe last night was the first step to that .

46964[/snapback]

And rightly proud! Well done on your courage and strength :cheer: .

Take care,

Scott

[Northern Star]

Aaww thanks guys .

[Guest Bell Jar]

I felt like I was basically being blamed for being depressed and suicidal and that if I really wanted to then I could snap out of it. That's basically what she was saying anyway. I don't know what others think on here but I don't think acute depression is something that you can 'just snap out of'.

that is the most ignorant thing ever.

although, that's what i think my mum thinks. any time (twice) i've referred to me, my health and that i'm depressed, she brushes it away saying it's just exam stress and after the exams it'll all be fine.

that makes me feel like exactly what you said - like it's my fault. it also makes me feel guilty and even more helpless to change myself - if that's what it takes - and even more alone because the people around me don't understand

it's not something you can 'just snap out of' and if that's what that 'care' worker thinks - then she really does not deserve to have that job or be put anywhere near people like us. what a :hug:

also, if it was something we could just snap out of - then wouldn't we have done just that a looooong time ago? does she think we LIKE being like this?! That we CHOOSE to be like this? omg how stupid is she. argh. that's just really annoyed me that someone in her position can be so close-minded about the facts!

*hug*

[Northern Star]

Aaww thanks for the hug

Hey, I'm sorry your mum said that. Mine are the same sometimes, I think it must be so hard for them to comprehend; I know that before I became depressed I didn't understand it at all.

Re this care worker woman, she did :lol: me off and the worst thing is I might have to see her again! But I'm hoping that I can see someone else next time, someone who is slightly more empathetic and less (although in her defence I should say that she was nice some of the time).

Sorry, I'm not very good at saying stuff concisely! I think it's cos it's the middle of the night and I'm usually tucked up asleep by now!