Suffering once again but how do i get out of this???

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

I don't come on here much as everything i seem to read triggers me with "what if" but i really am in need of advice.

My current obsession is psychosis, i am obsessed beyond anything about psychosis, it started 5 weeks ago, it was awful. I got into severe states of anxiety and panic and convinced i was going psychotic and crazy, and then with reassurance from my partner and mental health services i calmed down and the fear crumbled but 2 weeks or so later its come back awfully again and i am in a constant state of anxiety, its crippling, it seems to be worse in the evenings from about 6pm. The obsession started due to an underlying fear of anti psychotic medication (long story but i was wrongly them in the past and suffered awful side effects)

The psychosis obsession works like this.....5 weeks ago i became aware of my thoughts in my mind and i realised i could scare myself by thinking things like "Carolyn, you are psychotic, we are watching you" and i flipped out and felt so scared thinking "what if it's a voice" "what if i am psychotic" i know it's me thinking these things but the more scared i become the more the thoughts keep happening, its become an intrusive thought like other OCD thoughts i have had, and i try had not to think about it but then it gets worse, it plagues on my mind so much, some days are better than others, but i am going through an awful time with it again. My anxiety seems to go in phrases of being extreme and the thing i latch to is"psychosis" the more anxious i get i then feel depersonalized and detached and like my head feels full and heavy and then i think to myself "further evidence of psychosis" as i feel like detached from myself. I know it's all silly and stupid but i can't let go of it, but something so silly is destroying me and i WANT to let go but how?????? i spend hours chatting to my partner and we go round and round and i calm down for few hours and then bang it's back the next day!

I have been reading the 4 steps on the site and it makes so much sense but the messages won't sink into my mind because i keep thinking "but what if" and my anxiety is so high its awful and everything scares me. My mental health team keep telling me to distract myself but i disagree this is the answer to cure this. I am awaiting for CBT but not heard anything yet so going to find out about this after the Easter break. I am taking Buspirone but I have no positive effect, i have had awful problems with SSRI'S in the past and I am now very anti-meds, i just want to fight this mysel through CBT and the motivation is there as i have achieved so much, but how do i let go of this????

I know its a STUPID obsession and so petty thought but its ruins me so much even thought its me thinking these things BUT i can't stop!!, i have improved so much in many areas of my life over the last few months but this pure obsessive stuff drags me down so much and i want it to stop. Anyone got any advice? i am so desperate to fight OCD. I have made good progress with my compulsions and social anxiety and recently with my eating disorder but the obsessions are worse than ever before.

I know its OCD i know it's not psychosis, but i fear my own thoughts thinking scary psychotic phrases - psychosis is my worst fear, help someone!!!

[Guest catwoman]

hi carolyn

i suspect because psychosis is you worst fear this is why you have 'latched ' on to it .when i was very young i used to worry i has schizophrenia

which i clearly did not.

i struggle too with the' 4 steps' but i know it is an excellent approach.i also have always been very anxious hence i suspect my' ocd '

i am sure you do not have a pyschosis as you would have been diagnosed much before now.

look after yourself and remember it is 'ocd'

catwoman

x

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Thank-you for your reply.

Really struggling tonight thou, i am at the point in wanting to smash my head against the wall to get the message to sink through that this OCD and to move on and for these thoughts to stop, i am at my wits end with it and so is my partner.

I fear psychosis, i then get intrusive thoughts about "carolyn your psychotic" its me thinking these thoughts but i can't stop, i panic thinking to myself "what if this is a voice" and the thoughts get worse and i fight to stop thinking these things and i can when i try hard enough and when my anxiety reduced, but the anxiety is always there bubbling away underneath with this fear ready to flare up, i ask my partner many times a day hours and hours "am i psychotic" we are both at the end with this one. How do i accept its OCD and let go? i want it to STOP this, my life is such a misery due to this.

[Guest Nitai]

Dear Anxious Carolyn - if you were really psychotic you wouldnt fear it - you wouldnt realise you were having an episode. Sounds to me that the "voices" are your mind under the influence of OCD. From what you says this truly does sound like this is an obession rather than you becoming psychotic. You will never get a 100% answer that it is OCD and not something else , that is OCD for you - its awful i know. But you can overcome it. Are you having any CBT or relaxation techniques etc? Hang in there :original:

[Guest Emzie]

Sorry to hear you are having these thoughts about psychosis, Anxious Carolyn, if it helps I know someone who has had psychotic episodes before and I'm not an expert on this but from seeing how that person was when she was having them I don't think you are psychotic, for a start she wouldn't believe there was anything wrong with her and if anyone tried to tell her that she was psychotic she would get defensive and think that we were all against her and genuinely believed there was nothing wrong with her.

I have had simlar thoughts in the past where I have worried that I had an illness that I didn't have and my dad, who always seemed to be the only one who could calm me down when I got like that, would reasure me I didn't have it and I'd relax but then the worry could come back again the next day and we'd have to go through it again. I too would sometimes know I was being stupid but could still not stop worrying about it. So I truely believe that it is your OCD making you worry about this. But how to stop it is a hard one, the only thing I can think of is to talk to your doctor about it again or when you have CBT tell your therapist about it as he/she might know how to train your mind to stop worrying about it.

Hope my advice helps and hope telling you about the person I know who had psychoisis reasures you that you don't have it.

Hope you have a good Easter.

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Thank-you for your replies. I know these are all my thoughts me thinking these things and it's obsessional but the more anxious i get the more i fear psychosis and the more i doubt OCD. My mental health assure me its OCD and i am seeing them next week and still awaiting for CBT. I am determined to fight my OCD, its been 22 years and i have never felt so motivated to fight my OCD, but this nasty obsession seems to be one of my worst ones. I have a long list of reasons for why i am not psychotic and i am more rational that i ever been in my whole life and can see my compulsions are irrational and i have stopped loads BUT the nagging thought of "Carolyn your psychotic" keeps playing over and over in my mind and i respond with severe anxiety and think what if its voice but i know its ME. Its so frustrating and fuelled by anxiety. I have come so far with improving my life over these past few months and fighting my OCD so hard but the nagging intrusive thoughts are awful. Should i be blocking them out and avoiding thinking them? or letting them happen and let myself get anxious? i want to get over this one so much.

[Guest Nitai]

Happy Easter Anxious Carolyn :original:

It’s really great you have this motivation to fight OCD. Don’t try and fight your OCD head on as it’s to strong and will beat you every time. You need another strategy. I suggest doing the 4 steps. I know you have been doing this but are having trouble when its comes to the "what if" its not OCD. This doubt will be there and strongly at first but the more you practise the less the anxiety will become. I suggest reading the book "Brain lock" as it gives a more in depth view of the 4 steps. I use this method myself and it does work but its takes practise and sometimes you will get sucked in again by OCD but each time you get better and better at the 4 steps. The Reattribute step where you say "its not me its my OCD" should not be done in a superficial way - you should gain a proper understanding of the brain studies and the "impartial spectator" mindfulness meditation from the Brain lock book etc - on this site there is a Youtube video by the author which is well worth a watch plus read the 4 steps info on here. Wishing you well. Feel free to PM me with any questions or for support Regards N

[Guest saltwaterb]

Hi Carolyn, happy easter!

Nitai's given you some great advice. Believe me I can relate - a fear of psychosis has been my main OCD "theme" for a while now. But the asking your parter and other people for reassurance or searching for symptoms online should absolutely be avoided - it will only reinforce the cycle of doubt and fear. The thoughts that "you are psychotic" are just unwanted intrusive thoughts - I've had similar thoughts and yes it's horribly frightening but you have to label it as OCD and refocus just like described above. Think of it as no different than someone who's obsessed with HIV checking their food for blood and then panicking at anything red: your brain is trying its darndest to come up with "proof" that your psychotic because it frightens you so much.

Good luck with getting CBT ASAP!

- S

Edited April 8, 2012 by saltwaterb

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Thank-you for all your replies. It really does make so much sense. I can focus on these things for a while then i fall off track. I calm down for a bit but then it all starts again a bit later.

I am so anxious again this morning, woke up feeling awful. I don't know what to do with myself, i really am at the end of the road with this one. These intrusive thoughts and obsessions over psychosis are crippling me. I have a fear of psychosis so badly and therefore i can't stop thinking "carolyn your psychotic, your being watched etc" i fear thinking these things, they scare me, i obsess about what if this is actually psychosis. I get more anxious and I panic and then i start feeling unreal which reinforces the whole psychosis fear. This fear has been taking over my life for 6 weeks, i calmed down and mostly got over it for 10 days or so and now i have been suffering constantly for the last 13 crippling days and i can't take anymore. I know its so silly and its me obsessing and i have to let go but i fear psychosis so badly.

My partner and family cannot tolerate me anymore, i am literally non stop seeing reassurance and panicky and my partner cannot work, our lives are in pieces over my obsessions especially this one. I am doing so well at resisting compulsions, i have achieved so much and have started using the four steps and it does work, but the obsessions are torturing me- 6 weeks psychosis fear is worse than my 9 months on liver damage fears.

I have a history of awful reactions from SSRI'S in the past and DO NOT want to take them. I am very anti-med's now, but i am so desperate to get through this before i loose my family. I want to function better, do so many things in life, i have motivation and goals now, but i am being dragged down by this awful crippling fear and i am the point where i see no light at the end of the tunnel, i want to let go and move but i can't, the intrusive scary thoughts won't stop, i feel my head is full of wool, i feel drained - i just want to jump off a bridge. What do i do?? How do i get out from this? can i actually get out?

So anxious and so tired

[Guest FobicFairy]

Hi Carolyn,

I am not going to tell you that you are not psychotic because that is reasurance which will help in the short term, but then it will make your OCD worse in the long run. You say yourself that the thoughts are ocd, so deep down you know whats happening.

As far as I am aware there are only 2 ways to tackle your ocd, one is to label the thoughts as ocd and then distract yourself. The other involves letting the thoughts stay in your mind and just sitting with the anxiety until it lowers. The more you panic and try to fight the thoughts the worse the 'what if's' get. The idea is that if you don't try to fight the thoughts and you let them stay in your mind, it will result in the thoughts having less power and then they just become white noise.

Hopefully someone with the same kind of ocd who has recovered will read this and be able to give you support.

FF x

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

I am still suffering so much with this worry.

I saw my mental health team again last week who are so sure i am not psychotic and i know all the evidence suggests i am not psychotic and people who are psychotic wouldn't even be asking if they are! but i worry so much and obsess and i can't seem to let go. Some days are better than others but this worry/obsession brings me down like a stone to the point i literally panic and can't breath and think i am actually turning psychotic there and then.

I fear my own thoughts and I think repetitive scary things and then question "what if its voices" i get the depersonalisation feelings from my mind and body and it scares me. My mental team are so sure thats it all OCD but i fear they are wrong.

The obsessive side of me is awful BUT with the compulsions i have made huge progress with. I started my real fight against OCD on the 5th April when something awful happened and it made me realise what is important to me in my life- my children, my family, my health and i decided 22 years was enough of living with OCD and i have been fighting so much ever since and i won't give up.

I have huge problems with repetitions leading up to buying things and with accepting new items and I reject things and i cannot buy or be in the shop with someone else when buying on my behalf i have been like this 8 years - HOWEVER last week i have been to the shop to buy some shoes with only one repetition and i have not rejected the shoes!

I have accepted wearing some different earrings after wearing the same ones for 3 years! major thought connection to this but so irrational.

I have big problems with repeating my basic actions i.e dressing, walking etc but i now delay all my rituals and can now get dressed normally or with very few rituals. Delaying really does work.

I have been going to towns/shops/places that are triggering for me to face my anxiety and break my mental contamination fears.

I have done so much and made a lot of progress and when i get knocked down i get up fighting stronger than ever before. I am determined to fight my OCD. I have a CBT assessment appointment in a few weeks with the actual therapist who is going to be working with me who will decide the best approach and then apparently there is a short delay before he can start working with me- and in the meantime i will keep fighting hard.

I just wish i could let go of this psychosis fear- its so torturing.

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Just an update. I have seen my psychiatrist today who is so very pleased with my amazing progress to fight my OCD and is sure that my thoughts and fears over psychosis are obsessional and i am not psychotic and he won't prescribe me any medication for my OCD at the moment (not that i want it) and definite not anti psychotics because i am doing so well and I have made so much progress more than ever before and medication in my past gave me an awful time. He wants me to keep fighting but i am so drained with this obsession.

Also when i fight my OCD and do something really bad i always get bashed down by a trigger, its so hard.