Please anyone offer me some advice. I have a week to re gain control or i loose everything

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

I wrote a thread a while back about my fears over psychosis- despite over and over again reassurance from my mental health team and doctors and partner and websites and books that i am NOT psychotic, I am still living in fear from hell for now 9 weeks today, it continues daily up and down but generally all day crippling.

I now have started getting the intrusive obsessional harming thoughts back as well from years ago, as i am going through constant depersonalisation feelings from my body and mind which is so very scary. I feel like i am listening to my awful thoughts playing in my mind like a record, and i become detached from them which makes me fear psychosis even more and round and round i go. I fear psychosis due to some awful trauma from past medications and psychosis is an out of control illness that I fear.

I spend 15 hours a day seeking reassurance from my partner over my pure obsessive thoughts, yesterday i got him engaging in an intense crazy ritual involving sitting under a ladder and babbling on about some random obsessive stuff to prove to me that nothing bad happens, i know its crazy, he has been mostly off work now for a year but he has done no work at all for months and he can barely move away from me for 9 weeks now. The debts, the basic life essentials are in crisis, we are living in poverty and D has people phoning him constantly asking for missed payments on credit cards, phone bills, and so on, we can barely afford the car its running on empty and we push journeys running on air we live in credit. Soon the bay lifts will be at the door if things don't improve fast, D will loose everything, there are no benefits out there to support us due some complicated mess and other factors in our lives we have investigated this route, our lives are shattered by my awful OCD.

Yesterday D packed all his stuff up to walk out and run from this awful life , but he didn't for the sake of our 3 children - i would not be able to cope with them on my own, we do have my mums help (we live with her), but she has no idea how bad things are - she works all day and lives in her own world the rest of the time she is glued to the TV, she undermines mental illness and cares more about other peoples lives than her own daughters which is right infront of her nose.

D has given me a week to gain some control and calm down and let go of him and allow him to do some work and if i can't then he says he is off and thats the end of our family. I am in constant touch with my mental health team who have no answers to the current problems. I have an CBT assessment with my original therapist on the 11th May with the intention of starting CBT soon. Medication is a no go due to some awful problems i now have as a result from past history. I recently gave something milder a go - Buspirone but suffered awfully and had to give this up. My CMHT are not pursuing medication either due to my past problems and will not actually prescribe it at the mo which is a good thing actually. I want to fight this illness myself.

The only answer for me is CBT but i have been waiting now for 9 months and this is why i have got this bad. I have made alot of progress with resisting compulsions but suffering so badly with obsessions.

I don't know what to do. Jumping off a bridge feels the only way Please any advice? i have a week to gain some control or my life crashes to pieces.

[Guest Zee]

Dear Anxious Carolyn

Your situation sounds pretty awful right now. Life can be so hard sometimes, one problem comes, then another. We can often feel we cant take anymore and that there is no hope. But there is always hope, we often have just lost site of it. Im sure your partner and family love you, however the strain of all the various problems can often make people retreat inwards and it appears to others that they dont care.

As far as taking your own life, this is never the solution, your family love and need you - if you are seriously thinking of doing that then please tell someone close to you and get down to the hospital. You dont need to take that route - things will get better although you cant see that now.

On a positive note this is your chance to begin to take your life back, start to resist the OCD, the fear of being psychotic. You dont sound like someone who is psycotic, rather just somebody overwelmed with anxiety OCD.

Sit down with your Mum, partner and if you think they should be involved your children. Make an action plan and work together. Your not going to be better after one day, all your problems wont go in a week or month so start taking one day at a time. You dont have time now to wait for CBT, try the four steps, i am learning this myself and its helping already after just a few days.

Have you tried some natural relief? exercise, change in diet, praying (if your religious), meditation, even watching a funny film...anything to get you out of the constant "what if" hell.

I dont know if my reply has helped, i can honestly say that things can get better, i was very very low just 2 months ago and each day im taking at a time and slowly good things are happening.

Zee x

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Thank-you for your reply.

I am on the verge of thinking the only way out is to jump off a bridge. I wouldn't do it, i don't have the guts- can't even do that right, but i want someone to push me off or something. I want out from my severe OCD living hell.

Its pure daily mental sufferig with intrusive obsessional thoughts linking to fears over loosing control and psychosis. I am lost. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

[Guest Zee]

Hi AC :original:

Please try and do what i have suggested above and contact the CMHT and explain how you are feeling. Just coming on the forum but not taking any action yourself wont do so much to help you. Dont mean to sound harsh - just worried about you and want you to get well.

[Guest FlyingPenguin]

Hold on in there, Carolyn. You have your appointment on 11th May with your therapist, and they might really be able to help you. Don't give up. Do whatever you can to distract yourself, try and give yourself little breaks from the anxious thoughts (Zee gave lots of good advice).

Sometimes I find it helpful to think of a time when I will be better from this - It helps me believe that I can and will get better. So many people are fighting this illness - you are not alone and you can can can get better. Take one day at a time.

Thinking of you.

xxxx

[SaraJane]

Hey Carolyn

There's a lot happening for you right now - it sounds really hard.

I agree with Zee especially with seeing if you can write an action plan with your family. I know it may seem unlikely for you but it is possible your Mum doesn't realise the severity of what is happening. Ocd is a really difficult illness to understand and isn't always as obvious to others as you'd think. I get severe scrupulosity and my parents don't know. My Mum comments that I often seem in a world of my own but that is as much as it shows - despite the fact that some days I can do mental rituals hundreds of times.

Another thought I has was to suggest the family and friends forum here for your hubby and maybe your Mum - maybe if he had some support from others he would find it easier to deal with and discover good strategeies that will help him to support you in beating the ocd.

I'm amazed you don't qualify for any benefits. If hubby is unable to work due to caring for you then maybe you would qualify for DLA. You say you have 3 children - what about child tax credit or child benefit? I know benefits are not much but there may be something -although I know there are exceptions in the UK where you cannot receive benefits at all but these are very rare and often temporary. Maybe you could apply/re-apply and see what happens. Citizen's advice may be able to suggest something else. A National debt crisis line may help too. I know it is hard but your hubby may need to work - financial worries on top of everything else will only compound it all. If your children are in school then this is a better time for hubby to work than waiting and maybe having to start taking this step in the school summer holidays. It may help you - I've found that when I'm really unwell and I'm faced with the ocd and a day at home with the kids - something kicks in and it helps me overcome the ocd more. Of course, there are always days where that doesn't work so well but overall I do better because I have no choice but to. We're all different though and I'm making a suggestion of what may help.

Please keep posting here too.

Hope all works out well.

A journey is made up of lots of single steps. Let us know how you get on.

Sara x

[CJay]

Hi Carolyn,

Something which may be of practical help to you is for your husband to contact your local benefits advisor who will be able to tell you which benefits you're entitled to, both individually and as a family, and also help with the claims process.

Something else you could do is contact your local mental health crisis team if you're really struggling. When I was seen by our local crisis team my husband had rung the out of hours doctor who came out within the hour - he contacted the crisis team who came to see me the same day and their psychiatrist came to see me the day after.

Best wishes and good luck,

CJay x

Edited April 29, 2012 by CJay

[Guest Annabel]

Wow you poor thing :hug:,

Anyone would find things horribly hard in that situation. I wonder if you can have a sit down chat with your partner and write up some 'Rules' so that you're both clear on what you can and can't ask him for over the next week? for example he could write '1. I will not be involved in any X/Y/Z rituals', 2. 'I will not be asked for reassurance but will hug you if stressed' etc. Tell him you really want to get better and that you will stick to these rules.

Sometimes actually the act of stopping reassurance eventually leads to less intrusions/obsessions- I stopped seeking reassurance from my mum a few years ago and that particular strand of OCD bothers me less now- no amount of reassurance would have fixed it.

Apart from that perhaps in the meantime you could seek reassurance/tell us what you're worried about here, although it won't solve the issue, it might give your husband a little break as that's a million times more important.

Also pick out some nice things in your day to focus on e.g do your kids do sweet things sometimes? is there a TV programme you like? even when everything is **** there are a few little good things each day

I wonder if you could talk to your Mum about how desperate the situation is?

I hope you can both work something together xxxxx

ps. Also if you have friends/siblings nearby then get them involved to help you

Edited April 29, 2012 by Annabel

[Guest OCDWORRY]

Carolyn,

I was exactly where you are now only a few months ago, and I felt there wad no way out either, and was hitting myself in the head with my fists do hard that the following morning my head felt battered and bruised.

I waited months to see a therapist on the NHS despite my docor writing s further letter saying I wad high priority due to me telling her I also felt like the only way out was to jump off a bridge and I was very depressed and in tears all of the time.

I was told I would then be contacted by the emergency unit for assessment, I.e., the people that will take you in immediately for treatment if they think you are a risk to yourself or others, and received a letter with a two week wait, I couldnt wait two weeks as I was about to lose my job if I didn't get things sorted soon due to the amount of time I was spending alone in the toilet and other places doing rumination/reassurance rituals, nobody at my work knows about my problem, I've managed to keep it hidden to a certain degree.

I then went for the assessment and they said I don't qualify for their service, it felt like I had to physicslly do something to qualify, and this is when I realised why there are so many deaths from.suicide, as the only people they surely must be able to help are failed suicide victims.

I then got to see an NHS therapist who agreed to start cbt the following week, and when I returned the following week he apologised and said their had been sone mix up and that I haven't been on the list long enough and he was advised by his supervisor that he cant start it yet!!

I'm sorry to waffle on about myself, but what I'm trying to explain is so many of us have been where you are now and it might feel like there is no way out and you wikl never get better, but this is wrong, by life is about 80% better now and this also is without ANY medication.

I realise from you post that you can't take medication due to a past experience, mine is becsuse I was brought up very anti drugs, and never took any recreational drugs either.

In the end I had two options, my doctor suggested drugs whilst I wait for cbt, however we had medical insurance and I phoned the company and they covered ocd luckily and I now see a private physciatrist. She made the drug option clear to me at the start due to how bad i was, and she said she has to advise me of the options, but when i said I don't want drugs she was completely fine about it and I said to her I didnt want to have to come for therapy as wanted to do it on my own, and she smiled and said to me that I will be doing it on my own

My therapy is not what I expected, we talk about the things I've worried about through the week and she shows me and makes it clear that no amount of rituals or renuminating can ever determine whether your fear will come true, you have no control over it.

I also have a thing whereby I worry and dwell about so many things from my past that I've done, and try to reassure myself that they are not as bad as other people I know have done. She then says that I am not perfect and nobody is, and i have got to accept that this clean sheet of paper that I am trying so desperately to keep clean HAS got some greasy marks on it, and everybody has even her, because nobody is perfect.

I also suffer confessions and she has taught my partner to not allow me to confess to my partner, and the therapist will not allow me to confess eiter, which leads to me keeping it inside and on the end it will go on its own, and it does, and in the end you will find it hard to remember what it was!

I was suffering huge amounts of anxiety, legs, arms, body shaking, sweating, on a constant high and energy rush, I even foamed at the mouth when I got really bad anf upset, and I would sweat and run a high temperature, but now most of the anxiety has gone, I still do the odd ritual, but nothing like before.

I hope some of the above will help you see that we are not just saying things will get better, we are telling you it because it is the truth, we have all been there! But, it takes a lot of will and hard work not to mention pain, if you are experiencing high amounts of anxiety like i explained above, but you need to see a good therapist. And until you do that, try and build up the anxiety level and tolerate it for 5, 10, 15 minutes at a time so you learn to tolerate it and in the end your fear will pass without the need of you getting your hubby to dit under a ladder!

I am sure your husband doesnt expect you to be better in a week, but he does expect you to make an effort to get better, and if he sees the slightest of improvement even if you only bother him 5 hours per day instead of 15, he will be happy I'm sure

And remember, you CAN do it without meds if this is what you want

Edited April 29, 2012 by OCDWORRY

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Thank-you for your replies. I do feel a bit more hopeful of pulling through this awful time. I am in close contact with my CMHT i see them up to twice weekly and write and phone them almost daily. I have been trying the 4 steps for ages now, and i do ok for a few days then i fall to pieces again, I do want and have a lot of motivation to fight my OCD, but my anxiety gets so awful, it drags me down, i keep getting depersonalisation symptoms which make me panic more and round and round i go.

I am going to try my hardest to accept this is OCD- obsessive intrusive thoughts and distract myself and focus on my children and family. I have met a friend today which helped and meeting another friend on Wednesday, i have bought a OCD book recommended by my CMHT, and i am going to do what i can to help myself until my assessment on the 11th May.

My mum is a no go area, she doesn't want to know about my life, when i went into hospital years ago she was not bothered, she didn't care! i could talk to her all day she still isn't interested, she moans about doing the washing and ironing and general silly things, TBH it winds me up further so i don't even bother anymore. The benefits route is a complicated one, but D owes a lot of money to tax credits so they just take the lot from us, can't get DLA due to some complicated issues with ESA and my CMHT team say to leave it too, can't get income support because i am on ESA, can't get carers allowance unless on DLA, and thats about it, we get child benefit but it doesn't go far with 3 kids and loads debt and commitments with monthly payments and a car that we need to get about to the basic places including my son's playgroup thats un walkable, my CMHT appointments, weekly mind group, and my OCD makes it impossible to use public transports beyond a certain point. We are pretty much in a mess.

I know my partner should not engage in rituals but reassurance is the only thing that gets me through the day at the moment. I am doing so well with compulsions but the obsessions are awful, and in way i prefer the compulsions. I am still fighting hard and i won't give up yet. We have drawn a plan up between us of some hours this week to let D work. My oldest is at school, my son is at playgroup only two mornings at the moment, but my youngest daughter is only 11 months, she is turning into her own little character and starting to stand and tries to walk with support, the new things she does is so sweet and she is changing so fast and this is keeping me so motivated to fight this awful illness so i can be a better mum to her.

[Guest Steve1983]

So sorry to here about your problems Carolyn.

I am glad you have the support of the CMHT.

Love Steve XX

[SaraJane]

Hi Carolyn,

It sounds like you're taking some positive steps. I'm glad meeting a friend has helped. There does seem to be some things in place like the appointment on the 11th that hopefully will help.

I'm sorry to hear that your Mum isn't going to be able to help. That must be hard.

You can negotiate with the tax office to spread payments out for longer especially if you're struggling to pay for basic items like electricity. I'd contact them and explain the situation you are in, hubby could say he isn't working, say you're unwell and you have 3 children and see if you negotiate a new figure with them. Usually, even if you owe a lot, government payments have a maximum they're allowed to take each month. Would your hubby be able to claim JSA - there are 2 types including one for people who haven't pain enough NI. The information on direct gov says you could negotiate to take longer to pay back. It may help. http://www.direct.go...ments/DG_073813

National Debtline are free and confidential. http://www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/

I hope things get sorted soon

Sending love

Sara xx

Edited April 30, 2012 by SaraJane

[SaraJane]

Just another thought - I've noticed the ages of your children. You should be entitiled to healthy start vouchers too. You may already get them. http://www.healthystart.nhs.uk/

If you rent your home you may get housing benefit or local housing allowance too . You may also be entitiled to Council Tax benefit, free prescriptions, school dinners and others. A lot of these benefits are available to people not in work so it may be worth a try. Also, these benefits and JSA shouldn't take any of the debt owed elsewhere. Even if you were turned down before because say your Husband quit his job I believe there is a time limit to that and you can successfully re-apply again. You may have looked into these avenues already but I'm brainstorming what I know/can find out in the hope of finding something that will help right now.

Let us know how you get on.

Sara xx

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

Well, my week is up, and somehow i have managed to calm down a bit, i have seen my my mental health this week and - my psychiatrist once again gave me a lot knowledge as to why i am not psychotic, the first thing is i would not be asking and writing him letters every week telling him i am psychotic as thats not what people who have psychosis do, as they have no insight, he also got me to explain how my thought process works as to why i come to the idea that i am psychotic and again this proved OCD and not psychosis, i am getting there with this one.

However, although a bit better, the awful intrusive thoughts about the things i fear and imaging it as a voice in my head (my own thoughts speaking out) still happens a lot through out the day, i struggle with the intrusive thoughts a lot but sometimes i can cope more than others , i know the answer is to not react to them and accept them, label them as OCD and move on, but i struggle with the not reacting part, i keep thinking but what if i am being taken over or i am a bad crazy person who wants to do these things or what if i am really psychotic? what if's go round and round etc.

Does anyone have any advice on obsessional intrusive thoughts? how to cope with them and any success stories, i so need hope, i am very purely obsessional rather the compulsive at the moment. Things are still awful in my life and my family is on the verge of breaking up, but i am trying to calm down for myself and everyone else.

[Guest sarah1984]

Hi Carolyn,

I think you've done very well this week. It sounds to me as if you are going through hell at the moment with your intrusive thoughts and you're being very brave with all the extra stress that's going on around you.

I know you've said that reassurance is the only thing that's keeping you going at the moment but I'd really ask you to consider whether it's helping you in the long-term or simply perpetuating your OCD. You've been repeatedly told that you're not psychotic but it doesn't seem to be reducing your anxiety. It may provide you with a temporary sense of relief but sooner or later your mind will find a flaw in the reassuring argument and a nasty voice will pop up that says, "But what if my psychiatrist made a mistake and I am psychotic...?" Reassurance seeking is a vicious cycle that keeps you trapped in your OCD. It can also lead to frustration and resentment on the part of the person who's being asked to provide reassurance. I personally don't think your psychiatrist's being very helpful trying to prove to you that you're not psychotic because you can't use logic to beat OCD. I think you and your husband need to agree that he's going to stop providing reassurance - each time you ask him he needs to be firm and stick to a pre-arranged reply such as, "That's an OCD question". I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear and I'm aware it may sound as if I'm being very hard. I've suffered crippling anxiety as the result of my intrusive thoughts and I spent months trying to reassure myself (and also asking others for reassurance) that what I fear couldn't possibly happen. It was only when I stopped to trying to reassure myself that I realised that I was digging myself a very big hole by trying to stop my intrusive thoughts and to seek reassurance.

You're right that the best way to deal with intrusive thoughts is to accept their presence and let them be without engaging with them. However it's much easier said than done and I'd encourage you to seek the help of a therapist. A course of CBT that involves ERP (exposure response prevention) techniques would be a great help to you. "What if...?" thoughts are a classic OCD symptom and one which I'm very familiar with myself. The aim is to let the question "What if I'm really psychotic?" be present in your head without trying to answer it and to distract yourself by quickly moving your attention on to something else. Initially you'll find your anxiety levels go up when you resist the urge to respond/seek reassurance but I promise they will come down - they won't just carry on going up and up. Through repeated practice you should find your anxiety levels go down as you gradually become desensitized to the presence of the intrusive thoughts. By refusing to engage with them you're telling your brain they're not important so the brain should stop trying to panic you when the thoughts crop up.

I always hear my thoughts as words inside my head - however I know it's me talking to myself and the voices aren't coming from an external source. I think the important thing for you to remember is that psychotic people don't spend time worrying about where their thoughts are coming from like OCD sufferers do - for them they are 100% real. If there's any element of doubt about the voices, then it's OCD and not psychosis.

I'd also recommend you take a look at one or all of the following books:

1. Break Free from OCD: Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with CBT by Dr Fiona Challacombe, Dr Victoria Bream Oldfield and Prof Paul Salkovskis: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=163.

2. Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of your OCD by David Clark and Christine Purdon: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=8&osCsid=db10dad47aa5209c521271fdeb80e408

3. The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Bad Thoughts by Lee Baer: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=100

I wish you and your family all the best. I've been through what you're going through now and it's hell on earth - I didn't realise it was possible to feel so scared. However I'm living proof that you can get through this and come out the other side. I'm not yet 100% recovered but I'm well on the road to recovery and I'm a completely different person from the person I was this time last year.

Keep Strong Carolyn,

Sarah

[SaraJane]

Well done on getting through this week Carolyn and thank you for posting an update. I was wondering how you were getting on. Keep up the good work at beating this illness. You can and are achieving it.

Sara xx

[Guest AnxiousCarolyn]

I have having an awful day today, my anxiety is so torturing, it started going downhill last night, i don't know why, i am also so tired due to the very early mornings with my 11 month old, i just feel scared of my own mind, my thoughts scaring me in my mind, i have my list of reasons and tips to calm myself down, i have a good OCD work book, but nothing seems to be helping.

Any tips or ideas?

I was doing well, accepting the thoughts and moving on, but now they are just going round and round my mind and nothing makes them stop. Struggling.

[Guest agatsu]

Does anyone have any advice on obsessional intrusive thoughts? how to cope with them and any success stories, i so need hope, i am very purely obsessional rather the compulsive at the moment. Things are still awful in my life and my family is on the verge of breaking up, but i am trying to calm down for myself and everyone else.

Hey Carolyn.

I'll share a story. When I was at the worst of my OCD, my heart would always be beating very fast, my mind was racing a million miles a second, and no matter what I did, I couldn't shake off the thoughts. Worse, is that I couldn't shake off this dreadful 'feeling' I had that if I didn't pay attention to the thoughts, something bad was also going to happen. I would stand there and just obsess over them. It was horrendous. I seriously felt that my life was better ended, than living in the hell that I was going through.

Fast forward a bit now... I woke up one day and had a small realization. It wasn't anything significant, but it was enough to help me start seeing things differently. I asked myself 'is there a different way I could be reacting to my thoughts?" After that I started to try and find the answer. What I found is that, instead of changing or stopping the thoughts, I decided to accept and allow them. I essentially decided I was not going to be debilitated by them any longer. By doing so, regardless of what came into my head, I just mentally nodded at them and said 'Okay, you and I can be friends.' I realized, the more I didn't want them to be there, the worse it got.

Of course a lot of what I'm explaining actually falls into a lot of the fundamentals of CBT. (Personally, I've read many books on this, have to say, it's really helpful!!). Certainly not saying the thoughts and sensations you're having aren't important or real, as I can fully appreciate how OCD feels. But I am assuring you that it will get better - you have determination, you are on these forums talking about it, and you are actively seeking help with this to become stronger and nail this thing!! :original:

You're strong, keep it up!