Jump to content

Please Help, HOCD concerns, really at my wits end


Recommended Posts

I really hope some people on here can be of help to me. This issue has started to overpower me to say the least and it's got to the point where I feel I can't cope alone :-( Because of the nature of it, I feel far more comfortable to post about it on a forum like this, as its hard to know even where to start from talking to even family and friends. I'm not one for a drama, but I think I need some support or advice, especially after an incident that occured tonight which I will describe.

I feel like I just live in a world of worry about confusion about my sexuality where I am lost and alone. I feel like I am trying to work things out that most people have worked out when they are 16. I suffer from Pure O ocd and take fluoxetine 20mg twice per day, which improved massively with some fantastic CBT. Somedays I am convinced I am straight and others days I am not sure. I constantly look at pictures of male celebrities, males on facebook and online dating websites to see if I am attracted to them. Sometimes I think I might be, and then I think I am not.

I never seem to get anywhere and it is the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about in the night.

It's becoming overpowering and spoiling my life. I just want to know what I mean, and the constant rumination, checking and things is getting too much. I don't know if HOCD is involved here or if I am just trying to use that as an excuse? I feel like I might never get to the bottom of this and don't know what to do.

It has got to a stage further tonight when I got money out and say a man with a group who I thought I might be attracted to going into a pub. I immediately panicked, my heart sunk and I ended up going into the pub myself to buy a pint solely for the reason of trying to look at him to confirm either way. This kind of thing makes me realise that this is just overpowering me and taking over my life. If I see a footballer say that I think I may find good looking, I have to go to google images and check out lots of photos or shirtless ones to see if I am attracted.

I wish there was a test or a way to find out what was really me :-( I just can't take it much more and don't know what to do. I daren't mention it to friends and family as they would not understand if it does happen to be HOCD and it is all in my head.

Any advice or help from anyone who can empathise or provide some useful information I would so very much appreciate.

Thank you.

Link to comment
Guest sarah1984

Hi there,

I don't suffer from this form of OCD myself but I've read a really interesting article on obsessive doubts about sexuality and relationships that you might find helpful: http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson7.php. It's a bit hard-going at times because I think it's written by an academic for other academics but the theory and treatment plan is very interesting. It's impossible for anyone to prove to themselves with 100% certainty that they are straight or gay and a major step in your recovery is to learn to tolerate this uncertainty about your sexuality. Much easier said than done, I know! Another crucial step for you is to stop looking at pics of attractive blokes online and trying to evaluate whether you are attracted to the opposite sex or not. This is a form of reassurance seeking and it's keeping you trapped in the vicious cycle of OCD. It may provide you with a temporary sense of relief when you decide you are attracted to these guys but that sense of relief never lasts for long and you'll soon feel the need to check them out again.

I recently bought a very good OCD self-help book that you might find useful - 'Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: A Personalized Recovery Program for Living with Uncertainty' by Jonathan Grayson: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Freedom-Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder-Personalized/dp/042519955X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338891574&sr=8-1. This book isn't specifically about HOCD but it does argue that an intolerance of uncertainty is a major problem for most sufferers of OCD and it teaches strategies to improve acceptance of uncertainty. There is also a brief mention of uncertainty about one's sexuality and how to use exposure techniques to counter such thoughts.

Hope this helps,

Sarah

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Hi Mcajshaw :)

I know exactly what you're going through, and get this...it all started when I was 15/16 (I'm 18 now). The obsessive worry that I was gay drove me nuts and especially made school a living nightmare as I feared I fancied a boy in my class...oh, how scared I was.

I also did that same thing as you, checking on websites to see if I were attracted to guys, and if I found one good looking (or I didn't find a girl attractive) I would freak out and work myself up to the point I nearly convinced myself I was gay on many occasions, then something would come along, convince me I'm straight...be happy for 5 minutes, then the doubts would return. :(

It does get better, mate. Soon after I started CBT and medication (escitalopram 20mg) things got less intense. I still have some of these thoughts today, but they don't rule my life, the strong initial anxiety isn't really there anymore...probably because I'm used to it. :p It's very tough, and you're last paragraph with the guy in the pub sounds like something I definitely would have done. The tip is to try to not check/seek reassurance which I know is very hard, but in the long run, it will really help. The need for certainty fuels the obsession. If you're not 100% sure you're straight, you can't relax and get worried and doubtful. You need to allow these nasty feelings to be there and they'll pass (it may feel like forever, but they will).

I don't really know what else to say, apart from hang in there, you're not gay, you have OCD (I was told that millions of times on these forums).

Take care mate.

Will :)

Link to comment
Guest sarah1984
  • 3 years later...

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...