A Big Fear About Famous Person Came True...But I'm Still Here

[Iolana]

Just thought I'd tell you brave ocd souls about the past week. I have Pure O, been battling for ten years (my story was in the last ocd mag). One of the things that I've feared (other then intrusive thoughts about hurting kids) is writing or saying nasty horrible things to people, especially famous people. At one point in my life, I couldn't use the internet without someone sitting next to me, then I couldn't go on the computer without a piece of paper covering the keyboard (so that I couldn't type horrible things), I also use to write down what sites and what I was doing every half a minute on pieces of paper, it was so tiring...

Any way I'm better with the internet fears (I'm on the net on my own, typing this right now!), so I did something I couldn't imagine doing all those years a go.

I have a real soft spot for the lovely singer/actor/writer called Chris Colfer of Glee fame, yes I'm thirty but I'm a bit of fan girl. Recently a book made by fans was created to to be given to him in celebration of his own book being published. So without worry (well I worried a bit) I sent off a letter/email telling him a bit about my ocd and depression and how much his singing and humour cheers me up. Once I checked it a couple of times and once I hit send the only worry I had was that it wouldn't get printed, mostly I was kind of silly -fan- girling- like- excited that I could have one little connection to someone I admire (if that makes sense).

Three weeks later I found out my letter had been printed...one hour later I was sobbing my heart out and self harming.

Yes an edit mistake by someone or some computer hitch was made, not a spelling mistake which would have just looked messy, or a missing word which would have looked confusing, no, one missing letter changed the whole meaning of the sentence. Instead of critising my laughter the sentence came out calling Chris's laughter "embarrissingly loud". Which makes it worst is that he was bullied badly for his high pitched voice growing up, even now... so the edit mistake made me feel like I'd hurt him terribly.

I cried, I scratched my arm, I went hysterical. I was angry that something (what I thought would be a small achievement) turned into something messy and horrible.

I'm here in the UK, he's in America some where, I had a fleeting thought of jumping on a plane to find him, to explain that it was just a mistake, that it wasn't my words, that I was terribly upset and sorry...but even in the bad state I was in I knew that was a ridiculous thought.

I wrote to the person who put the fan book together to explain (never received a reply) managed some how to join livejournal and join a fan community people who have met chris, and interrupted a post to explain my freak out and fears. I received some lovely replies telling me not to worry that it was just a mistake and not even mine! Their kindess and understanding was wonderful, and yes I was seeking out reassurance but I can't go to the source, never will be able to, so I needed to reach out to the fans who would also be reading the fan book.

It's been a week, I still feel horrible but I'm still here and this is why...even in my sobbing state I have to be honest though, in the back of my head I was laughing hysterically. Only a person with an ocd fear of sending nasty emails or posting horrible things to famous people would end up having their first letter badly edited to make a compliment look like a slight insult!

I'm not saying I'm cured of this fear, that I'm not worried, what I will say is that I can look upon it as a little lesson. I tried so hard to get my letter right/perfect/not insulting in any way because OCD wants me to have control of every little thing, it want's me to be perfect, to do things perfectly so that nothing bad can happen. I've tried so hard to keep to that rule forgetting something more important; no matter how strong OCD is we can not control people around us from making mistakes. As one Chris Colfer fan reminded me "No one is perfect and it is our imperfections that make us the individuals that we are."

Take care all of you, keep on fighting.

Lots of Luv

Mandy

xxx

[Guest sarah1984]

Hi Mandy,

I'm sorry to hear about the mistake with your letter - what horrible bad luck! However, it's really good to hear that you're now able to see this from a more positive light. Yes, your worst OCD fears came true and it was very distressing but you've survived and you've even been able to see the humour in the situation. You're right that OCD sufferers need to learn to accept that they can't have control over everything, especially the actions of other people. Although I'm not keen on providing reassurance, I'm sure the typo didn't detract from the overall message. I'm also sure Chris must be used to criticism and negative comments - you need to be thick-skinned as a celeb and I very much doubt he would take it to heart.

Keep up the good work & stay strong

Sarah

[Iolana]

Thank you Sarah for the reply. Hopefully this experience does make me stronger!

Take care,

Mandy

[Guest ihaveocd23]

i agree with sarah. i read your story in the last magazine hun you have done really well, one of my fears is writing something offensive to someone, once i had to go back to the doctors and check again where you sign for precriptions because i had a thought id wrote something really offensive, i had to pretend i had forgotten when my appointment was so i could look on the sheet of paper,i felt so bad, ocd is horrible, good to hear success storys like yours though xx