New to OCD, very scared

[Guest ellenzxx]

Hi everyone, I knew that I needed to join this forum because I feel like I am losing my mind and feeling very lonely.

I am 18 years old and think I most definitely have ocd. I cannot go a day without thinking intrusive thoughts and I feel completely disgusted with myself. I am crying all the time about it because I just want to be rid of these thoughts. My anxiety often gets the better of me and I can't breathe, also can't sleep at night.

I went to the drs today but did not tell them everything as I am too scared/embarrassed of thinking the way that I do therefore meaning the only thing they could do for me was to tell me I was feeling stressed.

I have started to avoid some social situations as I am scared that I will cause harm to myself/others, this also happened about a year ago when I used to be scared that if I didn't say goodnight to my mum she would die in the night :'( I feel like I can't even go into work without having a breakdown. It is seriously affecting my entire life.

My mum has recently been off work and she goes back next week, I am scared to be left on my own but she doesn't understand why because I haven't told her anything. She just sees me crying.

It has also begun to affect my driving, I get very nervous when I'm behind the wheel and I always have to check my mirrors incase I have hit someone on my journey, it often takes me over 10 attempts to park because my car has to be perfectly in the line because if it isn't I feel like something bad might happen.

I just need advice on what to do, I know I need to get help but I am too ashamed of myself :'(

This is the first time I have felt I could properly express how I am feeling, I am driving myself crazy because I know I could never ever do what I'm thinking but I can't get over it and I just want it to go away

[carolj]

Hi Ellen and welcome to the forum

Just until someone else comes along, I thought I would say hello. My son has OCD and I know your Mum would really like to support you properly in getting help. It does sometimes take a little while for someone without OCD to understand what is going on, but as parents, we love you unconditionally. May be you could just start by telling her some of the thoughts you are having, perhaps printing some information from the main website.

No one on here can tell you if you have OCD, that needs to be a doctor, but never be ashamed of how you are feeling, you wouldnt if it was a physical condition you had.

Talk to your Mum, tell her how frightened you are and ask her to go back to the doctor with you. It might be a good idea to write down some of your feelings before you go. How often does the doctor say to any of us 'how are you' and we say 'fine'!! Of course we're not otherwise we wouldnt be there. Or explain to your Mum how this is all affecting you and ask her to explain to the doctor. Ask for a referral to get a proper assessment.

Have a chat to your Mum, you will feel much better if you can share your feelings with someone.

Let us know how you get on.

Carol

[Iolana]

Hi ellenz,

I'm so sorry you're going through this but incredibly impressed that you managed to post tonight. It takes real courage to reach out and tell someone but you took that first step so be proud.

I know you couldn't talk to your doctor about your worries but you actually went to the doctors which really shows you've got some real strength to get the help you deserve and need. Maybe you could take another brave step and talk to your mum. I know it's hard and scary, I kept my fears secret for a whole year worried what my parents would think but in the end it was the right thing to do, so that I could get the help that I needed.

It's painful right now, you're literally in the eye of the storm but there are people out there waiting and wanting to help you. So please don't keep all of this bottled up, talk to your mum, go back to your doctor.

If I could wave a magic wand and wish this all away for you, believe me I would but this is something you're going to have to fight and to do that you need to seek out that help. Don't suffer in silence any longer you truly don't deserve to.

Take Care of yourself.

Sending u lots of hugs.

Mandy

xxx

[Guest ellenzxx]

Thankyou so much for your kind replies, I really just needed someone to tell me that its going to be okay because right now I feel like it isn't. I have work tomorrow and I just know that i'm not going to be able to manage without bursting into tears, I've began to fear my own thoughts and it's making me so nervous

Carol, what kind of OCD does your son have? I am struggling to find the words to say to my mum because everytime I try, I just cry because I don't know how else to deal with things.

Mandy, yeah I guess I did take the first step by going to the docs today but then I feel like I have also failed aswell because I didn't tell the truth about how I was really feeling.

The whole thing is just draining and all of my energy is spent trying to counteract my thoughts

[carolj]

Ellen they are only thoughts and although it doesnt feel it at the moment, they cant harm you or anyone else.

All the OCD's come under one big umbrella, but my son's is what they call Pure O, all the obsessions and compulsions are mental, so no one else would see him carrying out any rituals. He too has all the terrible thoughts you fear so much, but he has had a lot of help and more or less has his OCD under control and you can too.

Why dont you show your Mum one or two of the guides on the main forum http://www.ocduk.org/parents-guide-to-ocd this is the parents guide and http://www.ocduk.org/young-peoples-ocd-guide this is the young people's guide. Have you read it?

Think of the trip to the doctor's as the first step and not a failure. You can do it again!

Carol

[Iolana]

You didn't fail, believe me you didn't.

It's hard to get those words out, finally tell someone out loud what's happening but you can do it, you're doing it right now. You're mum obviously knows you're distressed about something but can't help you until you talk to her. It's terrifying I know but you don't have to go into great detail at first, this step is to let your family know you need some help and support.

If you're finding it difficult to talk to your mum maybe you could sit down with her and show her you post on this forum?

I went through this situation ten years ago (i'm thirty and feel so old) but I didn't know I had ocd back then, just thought I was a horrible/crazy person to be having these nasty thoughts about hurting people but I manged to tell my mum one day after uni and the world got a little bit brighter.

Please don't suffer in silence any longer, you don't deserve to.

Mandy

lots more hugs

xxxx

[Guest ellenzxx]

Hi ladies, went to work today and it was pretty horrific, couldn't stop my mind from going into overdrive once again don't really know what to do as I am honestly too scared to say anything to any sort of professional/my mum

[Iolana]

I'm sorry today was tough for you. I can only talk from experience but my parents were desperate to know what was wrong with me and were relieved when I finally admitted my troubles, so that they could get me better.

You made a big step to go to the doctors, you're still working, it really shows you've got some strength to push through all of this but you need some support to figure out how to cope with these distressing thoughts. Talking to your mum is a good step to take, I know it's terrifying believe me I do and I wish I could say the words for you but it has to come from you.

I hope things get better for you soon ellen, say strong.

Mandy

xxx

[Guest Tom8]

Hey ellenzxx, sorry to hear about your stresses, I struggle with driving and constantly looking in the mirrors and get nervous when no ones driving behind me incase I hit someone and don't notice, it's horrible and the thing I struggle with the most at the mo:( but I'm a lot better lately and would like to assure you once you come to terms with the fact that your struggling a little bit at the moment and address the issue rather then just work around it, the sooner you get your life back by understanding what troubling you, getting help, then beating it!! I understand that your head is everywhere at the moment and u ain't sure what's going on, but your not alone:)

[Claire1704]

Hi there,

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time at the moment, but as others have said here, you're definitely not alone.

There are loads of good resources here on he website as Carol has said. In addition there's also a GP ice breaker sheet. If you want to go to the doctor but aren't sure what to say, you could show him/her this http://www.ocduk.org/sites/default/files/ice-breaker.pdf and it can do most of the talking for you.

Remember too, if you tell your mum about how you're feeling, it doesn't have to be a big conversation all in one go. When I told my mum at first, I just told her little bits about how I was feeling. Her reaction was to breathe a sigh of relief and tell me that she was just happy I'd told her something.

There is lots of support out there for you and you don't have to put up with this.

Claire

[Guest sarah1984]

Hello Ellen and welcome to the forum,

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rough time recently and I hope that we can help you feel less isolated. I would really encourage you to think about making another doctor's appointment and to take a look at the OCD UK ice-breaker. The important thing to remember is that the thoughts you are currently experiencing are classic OCD symptoms and that the doctor will have heard them many times before. Another technique you could use is to ask the doctor to tell you some of the intrusive thoughts they have heard from other patients - I'm sure yours will either be on the list or, if not, they will be no worse than those he/she has heard previously. Just to give you an idea, here's a list of common intrusive thoughts experienced both by OCD sufferers and non-sufferers:

1. Urge to hurt or harm someone

2. Urge to say something cruel to someone

3. Thoughts of harm to, or death of, close friend or family member

4. Thoughts of acts of violence during sex

5. Urge to deliberately crash car while driving

6. Urge to act cruelly towards animals

7. Wishing someone were dead

8. Worrying whether you have committed a particular crime when you read reports in the papers/watch the news

9. Worries that you might be going crazy

10. Thoughts of engaging in inappropriate sexual acts e.g. rape or paedophilia

11. Urge to jump in front of a train/push someone under a train

12. Urge to be rude and abusive

13. Urge to violently attack a loved one

14. Urge to curse God or shout out something blasphemous during a religious ceremony

The important thing to remember is that everyone experiences distressing intrusive thoughts from time to time, regardless of whether they suffer from OCD or not. However the difference between the OCD sufferer and the non-sufferer is the signficance they place upon the thoughts. While the non-sufferer finds the thoughts distressing, they can see they are ultimately irrational and they can brush them off relatively easily. In contrast the OCD sufferer finds it difficult to dismiss these thoughts for one or all of the following reasons:

• 
  

• They believe the intrusive thoughts say something about them as a person - that they are mad, bad or dangerous
  
• They believe that having the thoughts increases the likelihood that they will come true
  
• They believe that the thoughts must be significant simply because they occurred in the first place
  
• They believe that having a thought is as bad as acting upon it - in reality, the 'goodness' or 'badness' of a thought is dependent upon the thinker's willingness to act upon it. Although many OCD sufferers worry that they are capable of acting upon their thoughts, in reality it's the last thing they want to do. As of yet, psychologists have never come across a case where an OCD sufferer has acted on their intrusive thoughts.
  

Most OCD sufferers desperately want to understand why they have such distressing thoughts. There is a pattern: loving parents experience intrusive thoughts about harming or abusing their kids; gentle people are troubled by thoughts of violence and religious people by blasphemous thoughts. Sufferers are persecuted by overwhelming feelings of guilt. In contrast genuine psychopaths thrive on thoughts of violence and paedophiles get a kick out of thoughts about abusing kids - they certainly don't feel guilty for having these thoughts! Intrusive thoughts always prey on a person's worst fears. Psychologists call these thoughts 'ego-dystonic' which means that the thoughts are inconsistent with a person's values, beliefs and character.

When someone first experiences intrusive thoughts, it's natural to want to get rid of them asap. Unfortunately, the more you fight the thoughts the more persistent they become. There's also a scientific explanation for this. When you are afraid to have a specific thought again your body moves into defence mode and starts to produce adrenaline. This causes your muscles to tense, your heart rate and breathing to increase and your thoughts start to race. And what thoughts come to mind? How not to have that particular thought again! When you are scared of your intrusive thoughts and you deliberately seek to prevent their reoccurrence, your body's response actually brings the thoughts to mind.

Here's a list of the ways in which your thoughts and behaviour can encourage an obsession to return:

• If you are afraid of your obsessions
  
• If you actively fight back against them
  
• If you deliberately seek to avoid situations that might remind you of them
  
• If you set yourself a goal of 'never ever' having a thought again
  
• If you worry about the next time you might have an obsession
  

A well-known example of the difficulties of thought control is the 'white bear story'. Try as hard as you can not to think of a white polar bear. Do not think about its furry white coat, its shiny black nose and the cute cubs snuggling up to their mum. What happened? I bet you couldn't stop thinking about that polar bear! If it's so difficult to block thoughts about neutral topics such as polar bears you can see how difficult it is to suppress thoughts that cause us distress.

As well as trying to stop their thoughts, sufferers can spend hours ruminating in attempts to reassure themselves that what they fear couldn't possibly happen. Just like thought control, reassurance seeking doesn't work. It may provide a temporary relief from anxiety but sooner or later the mind will find a flaw in the reassuring argument and a nasty voice pops up that says "Ah, but what if....?" For every reassuring argument you can come up with, there will always be an accompanying "What if?" thought.

So if thought suppression and reassurance seeking doesn't work, what does? The most successful strategy is to accept the presence of the intrusive thoughts and to let them be without trying to push them away or engage with them at all. Obviously this is much easier said than done! The best way to learn to do this is via a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). To learn about CBT and how it is used to treat OCD visit the following page: http://www.ocduk.org/cognitive-behavioural-therapy. The therapist will teach you exposure response prevention techniques (ERP). ERP involves confronting your intrusive thoughts head on (exposure) while resisting the urge to use your usual compulsions to reduce your anxiety (response prevention). The idea behind ERP is that through repeated exposure to distressing thoughts, something called 'habituation' happens. This means that the sufferer's tolerance for the thoughts increases with each exposure and they cause less and less of a fearful reaction. Eventually, through repeated exposure, the thoughts cause little to no anxiety and they don't interfere with the sufferer's life.

The two important things to remember about intrusive thoughts are:

1. It's not the thoughts that are the problem but the way in which you respond to them.

2. You may not be able to control the presence of the thoughts but you can change the way in which you respond to them.

I'd strongly recommend speaking to your GP about the possibility of a referral for CBT. Here's a list of books and articles that I found particularly useful when developing strategies to deal with my intrusive thoughts:

1. OCD and Thought Suppression: http://www.ocdla.com/blog/ocd-thought-suppression-1249#more-1249

2. Reassurance seeking in OCD: http://www.ocdla.com/blog/reassurance-seeking-ocd-anxiety-597#more-597

3. 'Thinking the Unthinkable' http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson1.php and 'Rethinking the Unthinkable' http://www.ocdonline.com/Rethinkingtheunthinkable.php. I'd also recommend having a look at some of Steve Phillipson's other articles: http://www.ocdonline.com/articlesphillipson.php

4. 'Treating Morbid Obsessions' http://www.wsps.info/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=84:treating-morbid-obsessions&catid=36:ocd-and-related-subjects-by-frederick-penzel-phd&Itemid=64

5. Break Free from OCD: Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with CBT by Dr Fiona Challacombe, Dr Victoria Bream Oldfield and Prof Paul Salkovskis: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=163

6. Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD by David Clark and Christine Purdon: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=8&osCsid=db10dad47aa5209c521271fdeb80e408

7. The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Bad Thoughts by Lee Baer: http://www.ocdshop.com/product_info.php?products_id=100

Hope you find this helpful

Sarah

[Guest ellenzxx]

Hi everyone, sorry that I have not replied sooner. I have tried to go out with my friends and be normal and fight this but everyday I wake up with this guilt and dread inside my mind. Tom, how did you explain to your GP that you needed help? and do you feel like it really has helped?

I am currently in a battle with my own mind because I desperately want to go back to the drs but then theres just something in my head thats like 'no they are gonna think you are crazy/a freak'

Claire, thankyou for your post, I think I will consider that sheet if I do decide to go back to the drs!

Sarah, your detailed post has just described everything that i've felt and thought, and it's made me realise how long this has actually been going on. Its quite alarming that I haven't spoke out sooner, I guess I just feel like a terrible person for even thinking like that sometimes.

I am just a whirlwind of emotions at the moment!

[Guest ellenzxx]

Hi everyone, sorry to post again but I feel like I really need to get things off my chest once again.

I am starting to doubt myself and everyone around me. Obviously for the past year or so I haven't been myself and recently I have done so much reading on OCD. Now I feel like my mind has convinced me that i'm making everything up and that I don't have anything wrong with me, I'm just weird.

But I know that this is not me, like today I was driving and I just had the sudden urge to crash my car, I don't know why and now I cannot stop thinking about it and I feel like i'm not safe driving myself places. Likewise I do not like travelling in anyone elses car but my mums.

This whole ordeal has become detrimental, I feel like I don't want to go anywhere, don't want to do anything or see anyone because of my horrible thoughts about them/myself.

I've also read alot on 'reassurance' and I realise that this is exactly what I am doing right now but I don't know what else to do at the moment.

I get my A-level results this week and they are another thing that I cannot stop thinking about, if I don't get my grades then I can't go to uni but then if I do go to uni,

how am I ever going to make friends if i constantly have these intrusive thoughts? I just feel like things are never going to be normal again.

I'm so sorry if you have taken the time to read this I just have so many things buzzing around in my head I just needed to write them down somewhere

[Guest Tom8]

Hey ellenzxx, please don't apologise for posting, that's why where all members here I totally understand where your coming from on the driving front for along time I felt like I shouldn't be on the road as I was so anxious behind the wheel. I let OCD cripple me for along time and have learned from this that for me that was the worst thing to do. I think the expression " food for thought"was made for OCD as the more you think about things your just feeding the OCD!

You asked about telling your gp about how your feeling. Just be honest. You've done nothing wrong except being more sensitive to your thoughts then others. I had to say some things I wasn't comfortable saying and couldn't look them in the eye. But I'm so glad I did because you will see from there response that they've herd it all before and your problem isn't as unique as fear.

I think when you say u wanted to crash your car thats just your mind being fed up of the anxiety of being over safe that you want to do something anti OCD which could show that your more scared of worrying then the actual consequences. That's just a thought.

It sounds like your under a lot of pressure at the moment what with your exam results but no matter the outcome of them your health is the most important thing. #stay strong

[Claire1704]

It's no wonder you're feeling especially anxious considering it's an important week.

Reassurance seeking is understandable, and I think we've all done it... yesteday at work I had to check with a colleague twice that I wasn't about to be arrested for something I hadn't done (not my most shining moment, but hey ho!)...

Like you I think about running people over, quite frequently....but it's just a thought. If we acted on these thoughts, then prisons would be full of people with OCD, but they're not....

I know it's easier said than done, but try if you can to give yourself a break. And if you decide you're going to the doctor - as Sarah has said, the doctor is going to have heard these things before. Nothing you've said has shocked us, and we certainly don't think you're weird, and neither will your doctor.

Is there someone you could tell about it who could then go with you to the doctor?

[Guest ellenzxx]

Hi guys, the last two days have been surprisingly good. I've managed to read a lot of self-help about ocd and I feel alot more in control, like I just let the thoughts be there and don't react to them. Obviously my mind is still going back to 'oh i haven't thought about so and so in a while' and then I do get a bit panicky but so far I think I've managed to help myself as much as possible.

I have made the decision to wait until after I get my results on thursday to go and see a Dr because I feel that it would be the right time, much of my stress will be dealt with and I can get to the root of this.

Thankyou so much for all your support and I don't think I could have come to this decision without you all.

Ellen x

[Guest sarah1984]

Hi Ellen,

I'm glad to hear you've been feeling good these past few days. Knowledge is power and the more you understand your OCD the better equipped you will be to beat it. Good luck for both your results and the doctor's appointment.

Sarah

[Guest Nessa]

Hi Ellen

Hope you have the courage to tell your doctor, Im sure he will be very understanding, I know how hard it can be to speak to others about OCD and the intrusive thoughts your experiencing. I was lucky to have a friend who was very knowledgeable about OCD, but I had suffered for years alone. I remember telling my doctor, I was so scared, I thought he would lock me away but he was brilliant he knew all about OCD and said I was not alone. I only found this site today and I feel better already knowing I can talk to other sufferers with similar experiences to mine. Be brave you are not alone.

Take care

Nessa

[Guest 7OfClubs]

Hi there.

I'm only 12, but I've been in the same boat as you. I used to worry that whenever my mum went out alone, she would never come back. It was extremely bad. Once, she went out to go and see my grandma. She said she would be back in half an hour, but instead she took a quick detour and did some shopping while she was there. She was gone about two hours, and meanwhile, I had completely broken down. I was sobbing desperately. For some reason I had it in my head she had ran off to france . I was so desperate and was just about to call the police when she came back. I had many experiences like this. However, eventually, it DID get better, and however bad it is for you, it WILL get better for you too. After a while it just went on it's own and when my mum goes out on her own now I think nothing of it. Don't worry if it stays there for ages though. It took mine a year to go completely. The important thing is to talk to your doctor no matter how ashamed you feel. They will help you get through this.

Welcome to the group, and thanks for reading. I hope you feel better.

-Joe

[SaraJane]

Hi Ellen

I'm really gald you've found the forum here and been able to share some of what you are experiencing. You've had some good advice here and input but I still wanted to stop by and say 'hello' and ask how yesterday went.

I started with ocd when I was 15/16 and in the equivalent of year 11/12 - it was really hard to get by and at the time I had no idea what was going on and I dropped out of school. You've done really well to have finished school, learnt to drive and started working whilst having to deal with so much extra pressure from ocd. I'm really glad you've been able to find out about ocd so soon and find a site like this.

It is in the nature of ocd to cause doubt - even doubt that ocd itself is really there or that there is something wrong - which makes it harder to ask for the help that is needed or take measures to make life more manageable. It is real though despite the doubts.

Please let us know how you are.

love Sara x

[Guest ellenzxx]

Hi guys, yesterday and this whole week actually has been really good. I passed my A-levels and am going to university in september (3 weeks!) so I am very excited/nervous at the same time.

But today has just been a really bad day, i've allowed myself to listen to my thoughts again and it's really getting me down- typing this with tears in my eyes. I thought I was okay but today I just feel more anxious and scared than ever.

Thankyou for all your concerns everyone, I really appreciate your replies as I still feel like I can't talk to anyone around me about what is going on

Ellen x

[Guest sarah1984]

Congratulations on your results and getting a place at uni Ellen! I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day yesterday - do you think you were feeling drained after the tensions of results day? I'm sure you're going to be very busy over the next few weeks but I would encourage you to register with a GP as soon as you arrive at uni and ask about the possibility of CBT. I would also recommend having a chat about your problems with your uni supervisor and the student support services. I suffered from mental health problems at uni and my supervisor and department couldn't have been more supportive.

Sarah

[Guest ellenzxx]

Hi Sarah, yeah when I went to the drs but didn't tell them the real problems they told me to maybe talk to a counsellor at university so I think I will do that. I think you are right that I will be pretty busy over the next 3 weeks so my mind will be occupied, just scared that this is going to be a recurring thing so definitely going to seek help when I get there and get settled thank you so much for all your advice!

Ellen x