Guest Nicky Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Thank you very much for this great poem Stuart. I have read a few of your peoms and have enjoyed eveyr single one of them. I especially like this part: As my treatment kicks in,I am armed with more knowledge, strategies to prevent further attack within. The ache is still there, as my insides burn red raw flame, my head throbs and I feel strange. Until not so long ago I didn’t know what was going on, I had my suspicions, but then confirmed the symptoms. I know in the last 12 years I have created pointless pain, but I have no choice but to forget and live again. Exactly how I feel. Now the treatment is setting in and I'm feeling much better, but I often think about the years I lost due to OCD. However, it's pointless to think about it. We have to forget the past and live now. I wish you all the luck you can get. Love, Jeannie XXX Link to comment
Guest Nicky Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Hi eveyrbody, I got back from England yesterday after having a lovely time with my sister, her husband and two nieces. I even met up with my parents on Sunday before the flight. I have to get this out of my system before I start obsessing. I hope nobody minds. Well, to cut a long story short my sister is very ill. She suffers from severe depression and other things, too. My parents blame my sister and have cut her out of the family so many times now. I have always been in contact with her and tried to help the best I can. My parents are also just as mean to me, but I'M far away. Anyway to cut a long story short - my nieces drove me to the meeting place where I was to meet my family. They knew my parenst would be strange, because they aren't talking to the girls' mother - my sister. I never ever dreamed it would be so bad though. Whether you believe it or not my parents saw the girls and ignored them completely . I couldn't believe it. I mean I can really because I know my parents, but I have always tried to apologize for their behaviour towards us. I just can't cope with this behaviour towards my nieces though. I am so awfully embarrassed for what they did that it has started to upset me. I wrote this peom but I don't think it really shows just how I really feel. How can parents be so mean? How can they be so hard? How can they be so severe in their judgement? How can they so sure of themselves? I often wonder how they cope with all this hurt and meanness. I often wonder how they cope with so much hate inside themselves. Why can't they see the upset they cause? Why can't they see the hurt? Why can't they hear the cries we make? Why can't they feel at all? Hey, be proud of all your children. Be proud of all your luck. Be proud of all the happiness you could have if only you would look. Hello, hello, hello, Why can't you hear us? Why can't you see us? Why can't you be near us? Why can't you love us? Why can't you care? Hate, spite, two-faced bitch. Wimp, coward, butcher. That's all you are for me. Thank you for reading this. Love, jeannie Link to comment
Guest Lizbeth Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 That poem was really good and I'm really sorry your parents are being so useless. Unfortunately, I think it's a myth that all families are supportive with this kind of thing. I think my father would have found it a lot easier to deal with had I got physically ill. I think mental illness is more difficult for him to deal with because he knows he is at least partly to blame for it. I think what happened to your nieces is HORRIBLE and maybe they should avoid seeing them again for a while. I know family's important but not at any cost. Try not to let it upset you too much. I know it sounds cliched but this really is their problem. Love, Lizbeth xx Link to comment
Guest Nicky Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Thanks Lizbeth, I know what you are saying is correct and will try to take it in. I just got back from picking up my son and wanted to continually drive into the fence at the side of ther road or into another car. I don't want to kill myself. I'm just becoming very obsessive again and have a guilty conscience towards my therapist that I'm not doing as well as I thought I was today At this time last year I was also in England because my sister had tried to commit suicide. She was really very ill and had to stay on intensive care for two weeks. When she got out of there and was put onto a normal ward I flew over to visit her. I hadn't seen my parents for three years and obviously thought they'd be pleased. However, I heard last week that my mum had said, " Jeannie's coming over from Germany because she has to be part of everything. She always has to be in the centre of attraction. She'll cause a ,lot of trouble!" Everybody who knows me knows I never cause any trouble if I can help it and stay well out of it. My mother just seems to see me as taking the attention off her when I come home. My dad was stood right next to her when she said this and didn't say anything. At first it didn't hurt me because at least now I knew how my mum really felt about me. It actually helped me because before I had just been saying they didn't really mean what they said and were really not as bad as I made out etc..... Now I could start to look at things in a different light. When I then realised what they had done to my two nieces I was flabbergasted. God help my dad's patients who have severe depression like my sister does. I wonder whether he treats them with more respect than he treats her and us. Thanks for listening. Jeannie Link to comment
Guest kirk27 Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Hi jeannie Sad to hear about that , thats a good poem by the way very expressive and hits the nail on the head tha big question WHY??? So glad there are so many undertanding people around as somtimes not even our love ones can comprehend things . I tlike to think i have my parents sussed (so to speak) i have had ocd 12 years and they thnk i am just a normal rational person , what an actor i must be wheres my oscar then? :lol2: but another point to add to what you have mentioned, i wish my parents were more understanding then i would tell them............ i never will kirk Link to comment
Guest Muse_Man Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Thanks OCD13 and Jeannie! Exactly how I feel. Now the treatment is setting in and I'm feeling much better, but I often think about the years I lost due to OCD. However, it's pointless to think about it. We have to forget the past and live now.I wish you all the luck you can get. Jeannie what you said was exactly right, good luck to yourself and everyone else trying to confront OCD. take care, Stuart :dry: Link to comment
Guest Nicky Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Hi Kirk, Dr. Schwartz said he takes his hat off to all of us, so I guess he'd give us the Oscar that we deserve :lol2: My parents know I have OCD but don't ask what type. They just tend to ignore it, which is all right with me. I don't think parents want to comprehend what's going on, especially if they have a guilty conscience about things. My friend said this morning that she was my family :dry: and as Lizbeth quite rightly pointed out it is the parents problem and not mine. I just tend to make it become mine. Thanks for helping. Jeannie xxxx Link to comment
Guest Muse_Man Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Im sorry that you are in this situation, its sounds that your parents have been unfair. Just hope one day it can all be resolved, doesnt sound easy though. By the way the poem was good! take care, Stuart :dry: Link to comment
Guest Beth Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Am I crazy for arguing with a faceless thing? :blushing: I really like this poem, well done for writing it. Hope everything is going good for you. Beth Link to comment
Guest CaptnDan Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 I've been thinking about writing a poem for a while, so I've given it a go. I hope you enjoy it. It really felt like I was getting stuff off my chest. It's there, I can feel it. Every moment, It sits, it waits. What comes in, What goes out. Monitored. Double checked. It's searching for something. Something to pounce on. Something to grab hold of. The pressures building, The tensions rising, It's pushing for it's chance. Finally, it breaks through. Unwanted images flood the mind. And my head swarms with anxiety. It wants me to give in. It wants me to rethink. It wants me to reread; speak again. While I resist, it intrudes further, More thoughts, More anxiety. I must not, I must not, Repeat.. repeat.. repeat.. Silence. Silence, for a moment. It's hunger is satisfied. But until it strikes again, It's there, I can feel it. Every moment, It sits, it waits. Link to comment
blue Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Well done Stuart!!! :blushing: , That is a really good poem , Thanks for sharing it with us. Love Bluexx Link to comment
Guest Heryn Posted May 3, 2005 Share Posted May 3, 2005 Nice work Heryn. 42393[/snapback] Very powerful Heryn!!!Well done, excellent poem 42408[/snapback] I appreciate your comments-- thank you. Link to comment
Guest Trish Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Dear Jeannie, It is so terribly sad when families behave in such a way. I can relate to your feelings, because my mother has never been able to accept my OCD. Your poem was so good. Have you thought of writing to your parents and explaining the hurt? I thought I had managed to get through to my mother, but sadly nothing has changed. I now realize that she has problems. I believe that she became jealous of me when I was a small child. She always resented any praise my father gave me and he tended to avoid saying too much to me, once he realized. It sounds from your mother's remark, about your coming over from Germany, that she has a lot of problmes, too. I know how hard it is to ignore all the hurt and move on, but somehow we have to. I do hope that you can talk to your nieces about what happened. They have your love, Jeannie, and that is so very important. It is also so important that you and your sister love and support each other. Try not to feel embarrassed because of your parents' behaviour. You are not responsible. Love, Tricia. Link to comment
Guest Nicky Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Hi Tricia, Thanks for replying. I'm just sat here crying today. I never cry usually because I use my obsessions instead of showing my feelings. So I guess I'm getting better somehow. I feel so lonely and lost. I know my mum has always been like this and I'm sure she has always talked about me, like she talks about my sister, too, but I always somehow hoped they loved me in their own way. I think what you said is correct. My mum, like your mum, is jealous of me. I just can't understand it though, because I myself have three children and I'm never jealous of them when they hug their dad or he's nice to them. I wrote and told my therapist how I was feeling, because he's always trying to get me this far. However, he replied that he can't write at the moment, because he has an infection in his right shoulder :crybaby: I've talked to my nieces about what happened. It helps them, because even though they expect nothing from my parents, they were still upset about it all. My therapist wants me to show my feelings in the thrapy, too, but if I started to cry there, then I would be just as lonely as I were as a child, because I would be sat crying and he would be sat staring at me, so I don't share my feelings. I keep trying to think differently towards my parents and try to go on like you say, but I am always forgiving them - like I do others - because I always say to myself that they don't really mean it. I just cannot turn round and say - YES THEY DO!!!!! Thakns for listening, Tricia, Jeannie XXX Link to comment
Guest cilla930 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 hi jeannie i can understand completly with the situation my parents are also the same way :crybaby: i live about half a hrs drive from them and i can tell u when i last saw them it a was 10th september 2001 easy to remember that date as for wot happened the next day. just a few things they have done to me and my sister on the day of my sisters wedding my dad stayed at home and watched tv ,he also did the same to me never sees his grand kids but i,ve saves the best till last in 1993 they invited me on holiday with them to devon, my kids then were 4 and 1 we left on the sat but my hubby was comig down during the week as he had work commiments to finish b4 he could join us,we,ll the 1st dat went well but then in the evening he took dog out for a walk and on his return he found me sitting in wot he though was his chair,(the 1 he had sat in since we arrived) he looked upon me and said ur in my seat to which i replied only as a joke that i did,nt see his name on it,well that was it he went into a major sulk not speaking to me which did,nt bother me but when my kids were saying granddad to start talking to them he completly ignored them. kids of that age just coud,nt understand wot they had done wrong. well he went off to bed without saying goodnite ,so i put kids to bed then followed myself. i remeber waking in the nite to hear a noise but when i woke the next day they were no where to be found they left me a note saying they had gone home and as the holiday was paid for i could stay and wait for hubby to meet me. they left me with no food they took the lot ,no transport and all alone in a place with my 2 young kids. i was crying ,my kids were crying luckily i got hold of hubby who dropped wot he was doing and drove straight down ,when my sister rang them that day to ask what they were doing leaving me down their on my own their reply was it was ok im at home all day with the kids on my own at home so wats the difference. i could never do that to a friend let alone a family member ,so as far as im concerned its their problem i have done nothing wrong and if that is how they wish to live there life then so be it,my concience is clear,so its not just ur parents unfortunatly some parents r like that. but like i said its their loss cillaxxxx Link to comment
Guest ocd13 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Hi Jeannie, I don't know if I'm just echoing what everyone else has said here, but the way your parents are behaving is probably to do with their own insecurities and they are probably cutting themselves off from you and your family so that they don't have to deal with their own feelings. Link to comment
Guest Trish Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Dear Jeannie, I know scientists are saying we release harmful chemicals in tears that the body makes when we are very distressed. So maybe crying is a good thing. I have shed quite a few over the years. I know I once told my psychologist that I felt if my mother couldn't love me then no-one really could. I felt it had to be my fault. I realize now, that isn't the case, but that feeling still sometimes lurks deep inside me. And the childlike longing to be loved by my mother. It isn't going to happen though, and at least I now realize that it isn't my fault. As your parents' behaviour is not your fault or your sister's or your nieces'. I love the quote that Kirstie has as her 'signature'. "I don't think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains." It's not always easy to do, but it's the best way to be if we can manage it. It sounds as though you have a family of your own to love and be loved by. I try to concentrate on my children and my husband. I know at times, like you, I still feel terribly lost and alone, still hoping for my mother's love. If ever you would like to talk, please get in touch, Jeannie. With Love, Tricia. Link to comment
Guest twoshoes Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 I have seen 4 people destroyed by their parents. It's a joke Children Some bow aren't stable and it's down to the arrow to set their own path. I am very lucky my parents are human and as good at parenting as is required, i don't expect them to be perfect but they are always well above average. What narks me most is when parents act like kids, sulking, ignoring and playing games :crybaby: My cousin fell out with her Mother (who for the record was a nasty peice of work and you don't want to hear the full catalog of her parenting misdemeanours) at a family party they were all there. My cousins lil' girl who was only 5 at the time saw her nan and ran up to her "hello nanny!" she just looked at her and walked off She didn't understand what had happened between her Mom and her Nan, she was hurt that her Nan had ignored her. My cousin gave up on her Mom after that day and to be honest with you it's one of the best things she ever did. Drew Barrymore divorced her parents and she's done alright. Maybe you should take some power back. Whilst you strive to keep things normal you suffer, go be a bit disfunctional it could be fun Take care Kerry Link to comment
Guest ocd13 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Ok here goes, my turn. :crybaby: I haven't written poetry for a very long time and this is a bit embarrassing cos of the content but hey ho, here we go (oh and excuse the grammar): In the Washing Machine What's in the washing machine Mr OCD? 'Nothing', it replies. 'Only Me'. If only this Was how I could see, Then no checking would be needed And I would be free. Free to wash my clothes Without inner distress That I'd somehow missed My cats' interest. In they'd sneaked Hidden amongst my laundry; One push of that button And the rest would be history. Tantalising and teasing, Just one more check. It's OCD I'm pleasing; Oh, what the heck! It's not content, The consequence too much; I've searched in the drum But it's not enough! Out come the clothes One by one; Frustration sets in, For the checking's begun. Link to comment
Guest kezia Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 omg :omg: that was an excellent and very original poem!!! congrats!!! i enjoyed it extremely hugs angel Link to comment
Guest ocd13 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 omg :omg: that was an excellent and very original poem!!! Am all embarrassed now... Thanks for saying you enjoyed it. Link to comment
Guest double-two Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 omg :omg: that was an excellent and very original poem!!! Couldn't have put it better myself - it's a great poem Well done sue Link to comment
Guest ocd13 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Couldn't have put it better myself - it's a great poemWell done sue 42667[/snapback] Thanks Sue. Link to comment
Guest ocd13 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Thanks Smudge. Okay... have just written another one. Not sure if it's any good or not: A Life Less Lived Decisions, decisions Everywhere. All they bring is Utter Despair A choice to be made This or that? Don't ask me! Maybe I'll toss a coin... Too many "what if's" Do you believe in fate? How do we choose what path to take? What if we make a mistake? I'll make a decision, There - go with that. But, but, but... It's such a risk. Could it be a lack of trust? A lack of faith In our own understanding? Go with the flow... I can't, I can't let go! Please release me From this mental tug-of-war And let me experience life To just go and explore. But what of regret? I might miss something. This pain is too much, Oh, I can't be wrong. And what of my feelings? I can't trust them For when are they real? Or just anxiety, pain... Really? What is there to gain? Decisions, decisions Everywhere. All around me, Utter despair. I wake from the dream That was my life Look down on my coffin... Hey! I shout I didn't want to be cremated!! And then a voice says to me; "So why, didn't you make that decision?" Link to comment
Guest ocd13 Posted May 4, 2005 Share Posted May 4, 2005 Thanks Smudgie ( I can't resist changing your name every time)! I did used to write poetry and I have some stashed away somewhere that I wrote a few years ago about OCD, but I can't find it anywhere........... Link to comment
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