Poets Corner

[Guest Tracy]

Hi Caramoole,

What extremely fantastic poems such a joy to read you explain the ocd to a T. I love the part when you were writing about the bully of ocd and that you are still there in the core of you.

Very very moving indeed well done :mad2:

Loads of love

Tracy

xxxxx

[Caramoole]

Thanks both...I'm glad you enjoyed them, I felt a bit about posting them

[Guest patsy]

Caramoole, Don't feel about posting the poems , they were so good. I meant to reply earlier but just hadn't got round to it. I can never seem to find the words to write poems or anything. I think sometimes people just have a natural ability to do so.

Love Patsy x

[Stephen]

Hi Caramoole

People sometimes post OCD poetry, and usually it's pretty good. Yours is right up there with the best of them!!!

Keep it coming.

Stephen

[Guest matt]

Does anyone else keep going over how they used to be and how life is passing them by, and how this desease is sapping their potential.

Is it just me or do others feel that they were destined for great things and it all went wrong on the way, but still if somehow if you could get over this then you could live that ideal again, like not wanting to settle for how things are.

The other strong trait of mine is related to this in that if I am with friends and everyone is having a great time, I wonder if I could be having a better time with friends "y" down the road, so I go and see then and then think the opposite and return to the first place, this happens while everone is just there in the moment relaxing and enjoying where they are.

Is it a trait in people with OCD of never being content with where they are, is accepting who you are part of the battle.

It also seems to me that OCD makes everyone myself included so damn introspective when that is not really what they want, they want to be like the charecters of "friends" when they act like guests on "late review" on BBC2

[Guest Kitty]

Does anyone else keep going over how they used to be and how life is passing them by, and how this desease is sapping their potential.

Hiya matt

Yeah, I kinda feel like this a great deal. I know I should be out and about doing the things everyone else is doing etc and also getting the career I desire, but most of the time I feel so devoid of energy and wrung out I don't know where to turn.

Is it just me or do others feel that they were destined for great things and it all went wrong on the way, but still if somehow if you could get over this then you could live that ideal again, like not wanting to settle for how things are.

My life so far could have been very different if I'd only taken a few chances and not given in to my fears and hidden myself away. Sadly, whats happened has happened I can't turn the clock back and can only now look forwards (which I am desperately trying to do). I know if I can conquer my demons I can be the kind of person I always wanted to be. I think. (I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure )

It also seems to me that OCD makes everyone myself included so damn introspective when that is not really what they want, they want to be like the charecters of "friends" when they act like guests on "late review" on BBC2

lol - like the analogy, matt. Yes, I'm afraid I'm guilty of having a Kirsty Wark complex. Too introspective for my own good. I'd love to be a happy camper like they are on Friends (would also like to look as glamorous as they do, lol) but I'm not. I'm constantly trying to figure out where I'm headed, why I'm like I am, why do I act like I do etc - and it bugs me.

You are certainly not alone in feeling like this, mate :crybaby:

luv n lollies from Queenie

xx

[Guest Dragonfruit]

Hi Matt

No - it's not just you. There are many many times when I look back at the person I was pre-OCD and could cry at the injustice of it all! I used to be really outgoing and fun and was always the centre of attention. Now I am practically the exact opposite. It's really hard to realise that that actually was me sometimes. I was in my second year of Uni when the OCD really kicked in and it caused havoc with my studies - hence I only graduated with a 2:2 - I should have done better - that also makes me really mad.

I know what you mean about wanting to be like the "Friends" characters - that used to be me - and I want it back. I spend far too much time reliving the past when I know I should just be concentrating on getting better and creating new happy memories.

Hopefully now that I am starting to get help this will change and I will get back some of who I used to be. Hopefully.....

I really hope the same thing happens for you and everyone else out there.

[Guest Tracy]

Hi Matt,

I agree with what you say about ocd making us introspective, i have been like that on loads of occassions. When i was in my teens i would not care about anything like i do now in the sense of fears i mean cripes at one time i wanted to be an air pilot, i have never been on a plane lol. I have looked back and thought i was so carefree but now i mean i am 34yrs old and have three children, i wouldn't change that and the way i see it is ocd has taught me something.

My choices would have been different if i didn't know i had ocd but i am glad where i am now, i have done my partying and when i try new things now i soak up the experience and enjoy every second of it. I know we all have our silly fears about certain things but each time i do something new i feel elated i now don't take life for granted like i used to when i was younger and you may disagree but i don't see ocd as a curse now i see it more of an annoyance at times and i find it easier to deal with. I just treat it like a habit like smoking you don't really like doing it but you're addicted to it and it takes tremendous willpower to overcome it.

Incidentally i gave up smoking over six months ago and when i used to be bad with my ocd i would smoke more, now since i have given up smoking tho i am three stone heavier my brain is clearer and i like waking up like that.

Love

Tracy

xxxxx

Hope this helped.

[Guest Helen]

I don't think a day goes past when I don't think about the person used to be.. On one hand theres the Helen who travelled across America by herself did really well at uni, popular, great friends and really happy and on the other Helen who is prisoned by cleaning and checking and wondering where all her dreams went. I can barely hold down a simple job let alone univeristy or travelling by myself again... My friends back up at uni graduated not long back and I know if I hadn't got this evil illness I would have been up there with them with a first. Instead I got so ill with anxiety and depression I had to leave after my first year.... i remember the days when I just didn't care, I didn't care if I came in one night after a nigths clubbing and got into bed straightaway, I didn't care about washing the floor and the bath and toilet all the time.

I know exaclty what you mean. Hang in there...

[Guest matt]

Thank you for the replies, Helen are you living on your own or with your parents, i've found that because I fled Bristol in March after a fear of mine everything about where I am reminds me of my predicament. Living at your parents at 31 is not where you want to be.

[Guest Burt]

Matt

sounds like depression is as much a problem as your OCD right now. I'm going thru EXACTLY the same thing except I have a loving wife and young son. With me it seems that my life SHOULD be perfect - lovely house, great career (work from home artist), perfect family but my OCD is actually getting worse because I keep thinking its all going to fall apart because of 'something I may have done'.

Well - everything is falling apart but not because of anything I've done but because of this wretched OCD.

I'm in my mid 30's and have had OCD since childhood - but only in bouts with only a few minor 'magical thinking' rituals. Then I went to Uni in '85 and remember becoming terrified of HIV/AIDS because it was in the media all the time. I often look back at all the opportunities I could have had with nice girls who fancied me and vice/versa but I was too scared.

Luckily I found somebody who loves me enough to stand by me during the past 13 years - its been tough for her too.

The biggest OCD fear I had was after I took exctasy as a party and it was stronger than I was expecting (I'd done exctasy a handful of times and enjoyed it - but not this time). For 12 years on and off I became convinced I had given myself serious and permanent brain damage. I became terrified of anything to do with drugs (including alcohol) and haven't touched anything since. This developed into a panic disorder which would be triggered about 2-3 times a year by reading anything in the media about drugs or being in a place where people are smoking weed (I'm in the music biz so can you imagine how difficult this was!?).

If I saw anything like a flashing of light in my vision or if my ears had a slight ring I would be convinced it was a sign of brain damage or severe mental illness.

I saw a psychotherapist for a few years and she was typical 'Freudian' and didn't diagnose anything - just said I was 'anxious' cos I hadn't met my real biological father (WTF?).

So I managed to control the OCD and got thru the regular anxiety/panic attacks (lasted for weeks sometimes) and even managed to tour the US and Asia, etc. But I also turned down a lot of work because I was convinced my plane would crash... and I still am terrified of flying. Things got worse when my son was born nearly 2 yrs ago. My irrational fears went into overdrive and I ended up at wits end and checking into a private psych hospital where they diagnosed me OCD (pure O - responsibility OCD). A years CBT helped tremendously and I had it under control for a year but it has returned worse than ever for the past 6 weeks.

So - sapped potential? Yes - absolutely... financial and artistic success could have been a lot greater if I didn't have OCD. Grass is always greener? I get around this - like you Tracy - by looking at my son - I wouldn't change anything in my past because he came out of it.... that's what keeps me going right now.

Helen - does the fact that you once travelled across the US make you depressed because of how you are now? Or does it not say to you - I did that once and I know I can do it again?

Finally Matt - being at your parents at 31 may not be ideal but if you are very ill with the OCD I think its preferable to being alone somewhere. Being isolated may not be helping - I guess its a balance of being in a stress-free environment but also being somewhere with enough going on to enable you to refocus. I know its probably the last thing you want to do but are there any nice walks around the village countryside where you are? I find fresh air makes me feel better after a while although the effort it takes when you're depressed and unmotivated is hard I know. (It's 3.15 and I'm still in bed!!)

I'm getting up right now to find out about a local gym membership - exercise might help me get out of this mess.

Keep posting if you're feeling rough...

Burt

[whitebeam]

I don't think a day goes past when I don't think about the person used to be.. On one hand theres the Helen who travelled across America by herself did really well at uni, popular, great friends and really happy and on the other Helen who is prisoned by cleaning and checking and wondering where all her dreams went.

Helen, I know how you feel; my life has changed in the same way. I wrote this poem:

When she was young

She was vibrant;

Full of hopes and dreams and optimism.

Now she lives with doubt;

Her life is full of fears, anxiety and dread

What happened to the golden girl,

The girl who shone and danced her way through life?

What happened to those dreams?

Where are hope and optimism now?

They lie crushed and crumpled around her feet.

[Guest Dragonfruit]

Whitebeam - that is it exactly.

It's no wonder depression creeps in, is it?

[Guest matt]

Thanks burt for you reply dragonfly and whitebeam, does working from home compound the problem burt? I know I could never do it. Its great to hear a bit about other peoples lives, creative people. i'VE always been scared of drugs like ecstasy, I smoked a bit of hash when I was younger be found that it made me increasingly paranoid, I went to Glastonbury a few years back and was hungry, so I bought a hash cake, 4 cakes later from 4 different sellers and I wasnt hungry anymore, however I started feeling a bit odd, I enden up a dribbling mess back in my tent, it was made a bit better as I had VIP passes so I wasnt in the thick of it were we camped, I thought I've lost my mind in a field somewhere... like the pulp song. Anyone relate to this, all the time I feel that im a sociable person in the body of a loner. Does anyone out there have any inspiring/ motivational music they listen to, or maybe a film. Baz Lurmans "everyones free to wear sunscreen" is good food for thought with me, films I like, "About a boy" was good and reminds me of the feeling of being isolated, wish money was no object though. Just started to listen to a female folk artist called Kate Rusby especially a song "Underneath the Stars"

I miss being in Bristol so much, I love being in a place where there's something going on all the time, where I am at the moment I don't make a difference to the place at all, and it doesnt affect me at all I just feel indifferent to it.

[Guest Helen]

:crybaby: Yeah ever since I got really ill two years ago i've had to move back home. I really want to move out but I can't do that until I get a job and I can't do that until I get over my ocd becasue thats holding me back loads ...

I feel depressed becasue I see that chapter of my life when I was 18 in the states and uni etc as my happiest and back then I was without a care in the world. Can you beleive me the contamiantion freak lived in hostels, shared bathrooms, bedrooms and TOILETS without a second glance... I just jumped on a bus whenever I felt like chagning scenary, caught planes all over the states and stayed at peoples houses. I feel sad becasue I want to be like that again, I had my whole future ahead me, now I wonder where all that went

Matt I used to do the whoel glastonbury thing as wel. Four days without a shower now I have about two a day...

[Guest matt]

Helen, we can do it again, weve just all got to be there for each other. You sound like an adventurous outgoing person and that is YOU. The OCD is just a mask that at the moment fits too damn tight over your life. Lat September I bought a ticket to see my cousin in California but bottled it and did'nt go, at least with you, you have done it in the past and can do it in the future, im going to get the train to go and meet a friend in Bristol on Wednesday, a little step that maybe will bother me or maybe won't but at least it will make my mark. What can you do this week helen to make your mark on this world that you would be proud of?

When my contamination fear is bad I find I can't shake hand with people, did anything happen that triggered off your contamination fear?

[Guest twoshoes]

I cannot remeber me without OCD.

It changes. I used to do festivals clubs and pubs camping and the like. When I was little between about 3 and 10 I could only stand even numbers, and symmetry. I ate alot of custard creams and bourbons because they were already paired up. There was anxiety if my bag of maltesers contained an odd amount.

At 18 I started on the washing complusion although the contamination fears started many years prior to this change. At this time in my life I had just started working full time, driving and I moved in a more grown up circle of friends. Now I am 26 married, mother, homeowner and I have other responsibilities. My life would be easier without OCD, but regardless things change and people do not remain a carefree teenager all their lives.

I don't wish for the person that I was..I want to be better that I have ever been.

[Guest treadmill]

THEY SAY WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW

AND THAT IT'S HEALTHY TO LET FEELING'S GO

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN THE PAST

KNOWING LIFE GOES SO FAST

BUT EVERY DAY I LIVE IN FEAR

GROWING OLDER YEAR BY YEAR

IF THERE WAS SOMETHING TO TAKE AWAY THE PAIN

I COULD THEN REGAIN

MYSELF AS A MOTHER

MYSELF AS A WIFE

I COULD HAVE A 'NORMAL' LIFE

NORMAL FEARS FEWER TEARS

I WOULD STILL PRAY EVERYDAY

I'D PRAY THAT GOD, KEPT MY OBSESSIONS AWAY

Treadmill

[Northern Star]

I certainly agree with that poem treadmill, excellent! :dry:

Welcome to the board btw

[Ashley]

I echo NS's comments, excellent poem and welcome to our board.

[Caramoole]

Nice poem Treadmill....getting down your feelings in a poem often helps and others also 'feel' what you're saying, as we can all identify.

Look forward to your posts :dry:

[Guest NickNickNick]

Here's one by me.

it stalks me

even now

moving slowly

but i can feel it

waiting for me

to just let my guard down

to just not care

the it will pounce

and i will live inside it again

-Nick

[Guest robert1]

good poem treadmill got it in one good one also nick .

[Guest marah]

Thanks for the poems Treadmill and Nick - thanks for taking the time to express your feelings in this way.

And Welcome to the Board Treadmill :dry:

Love Marah xxxxx

[Ashley]

Back to the top it goes.... anyone else with a poetic touch?

Caramoole, can we use them in our newsletters for those without internet access to benefit from?