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My pure living hell very close to the end


Guest AnxiousCarolyn

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Guest AnxiousCarolyn

I rarely come on here anymore, just about everything triggers me off, i am purely obsessive nowadays more than ever before, my main compulsion is seeking reassurance and checking myself for symptoms of insanity, its pure hell, when i get to the end of the day, i think its a big achievement that i have survived, its really sad writing that. My mind is nothing but a feared misery, yet i have made so much progress in many others are of my OCD, i used to have a chronic problem with buying new items, but i have made huge progress with this, i don't repeat my actions anywhere near as much, i don't spend hour getting my partner driving round our estate, I am much more rational than ever before, i can and say to myself "thats so OCD!" but it doesn't stop my main pure mental obsessive hell over loosing my sanity, when i get an obsession, it will drive me down to the ground and for the last 7 months and 2 days, i have feared going psychotic, going crazy, loosing my mind, being taken over, loosing control etc, and its taken another step up again this week, i am at the point of now wishing i was dead.

I am on at my partner all day, seeking reassurance, texting, emailing, phoning, chatting, pleading for relief that i am not going psychotic, he is tired and drained from my constant demands on him, i am angry at myself for being so dependent, but i am so scared over psychosis, i have had many opinions, doctors, all saying its OCD not psychosis, telling me i am not psychotic, i have a long list of evidence as to why i am not psychotic, but the message won't sink through my dumb brain, i try and reassure myself, i try and refocus my mind on good normal things, but i am driven down by this awful torturing obsession over just about every detail and symptom of psychosis.

I won't go on too much about my background and why this obsession was triggered off, but my latest fear/worry/symptom- whatever you want to call it! is after a huge triggering noise the other day, that i never found out the cause for, i have become hyper sensitive to noise thinking that i am hallucinating, i listen out for noises non stop, standing by waiting all day, waiting for psychotic hallucinations, i hear whispers and muffles and even think they sound like words, i panic and i am literally freaked out, i then search for the noise and its usually the TV, or heating, or computer fan, or someone even breathing!, its basic life noises, but in those moments when i did not know what that noise was, i feel like i am hearing things, i feel like i am finally going psychotic, i am scared for my sanity, i imagine being drugged and locked up, and drugs are a huge fear for me, hence why i am currently down the CBT route and not medication (past awful time on drugs don't even question this option!), i am panicking non stop that i will loose my children when i do go full blown psychotic, just everything is about fearing psychosis, i fear hurting people too, its like the worst thing ever, i cannot even imagine it, i panic with fear just writing this sentence, i am a nervous wreck, i spend my days feeling dread and anxiety, thinking about thinking, fearing hearing my thinking, thinking about but what if over and over again, i get into panic states when i feel sick and my heart races, i am seriously thinking my only way out is to jump off a bridge.

I have been fighting my OCD so well in other ways, but i cannot shift this awful psychosis obsession, in fact its just worsening by the week, i really want out from my misery, i used to have much better support from my CMHT and GP but my great GP left and i do not get on with anyone else, i miss her very badly she was like my rock, kept me fighting, my psychiatrist ditched me after seeing him for 7 years, because i would not gain enough weight regarding my eating disorder, although i have made some progress on my own but he still won't see me, despite me writing him letters of distress pleading for his support and help, he just says no, so i really do feel very much alone and i really am at the end of the road, my CBT therapist has made things 100 times worse, and sometimes i question weather he knows what hes on about, i am lost, if anyone can offer me any advice or guidance then please do so. Sorry for the big waffle, i am just very desperate, and really want some hope.

Carolyn

Edited by AnxiousCarolyn
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Hi Carolyn,

Please don`t make any rash decisions, & contact your local crisis team or samaritans if need be.

With regards to CBT, you really need to be in the right frame of mind for it to work best, & with a good therapist that communicates well. I really would consider meds at a low dose, & I am sure someone can offer you more in the way of advice regarding your psychiatrist, because this sounds a little harsh to say the least!

It sounds like you are stuck in the loop regarding anxiety & its related symptoms such as depersonalization/derealization, which is making you needlessly worry more.

xx

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I am on at my partner all day, seeking reassurance, texting, emailing, phoning, chatting, pleading for relief that i am not going psychotic

Hi Carolyn

I'm sorry that you're still struggling :( But try and hold on to the fact that you have made progress in so many other areas of your OCD.

I know how difficult it is when you're constantly bombarded with these dreadful thoughts and obsessions, they always seem so powerful.

You mention that your CBT therapist is making things worse. What's he suggesting that makes you feel this way?

The sentence you wrote above is perhaps the best starting place to work on. Working out a plan of action to gradually resist/postpone the desperate need for reassurance from your partner. I honestly do know how difficult it is but it can be done. This sort of reassurance seeking really does make things worse. I don't make light of it at all, I've been there and know the level of fear that you must be going through.....in the past I've been reduced to the point of begging for someone to reassure me that everything will be all right.

OCD is the same however it disguises itself. I know it doesn't always seem that way but it is. I've seen you when you've been driven to the point of insanity with your buying/returning things and yet, you're so much better with that now.

This business of Psychosis is the same, an intrusive, awful, obsessive and destructive fear that creates anxiety that escalates into massive panic....that's because it targets your worst fear and nightmare....going mad, being insane, being dangerous and losing your children. It's no wonder it has so much power over you :(

We could discuss the "Yes, buts", the "What Ifs", the "But what if this is different"....But that isn't going to help you much.

You have to go right back to trying to accept that this "Psychosis Fear" is just the same, yet just as false as the other obsessive doubts and fear you've had. Then work out a strategy to start to fight back .....and I would start (even in a small way) with a plan to hang-back with asking your partner for constant reassurance. You don't have to do it all at once...but honestly, it really would help to form a plan to resist.

Caramoole :)

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IT WILL GET BETTER! It will, it just looks black now. Have hope. You have a partner who loves you and there must be a lot of reasons for that. Trust that you are a good person who has just been unlucky but that luck will change. Medicine could really help clear the cloud. Thinking of you during this tough time xxx

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Guest FobicFairy

Hi Carolyn,

It's sad to see you in such a desperate state again. I remember from the past that your psychiatrist wouldn't give you CBT for OCD unless you dealt with your eating problem first. I am glad you at least got the help you asked for, what do you think the therapist is doing wrong? Ditto what Caramoole says about how it should work. You do need to take a step back and start accepting that you have OCD thoughts though, and that they are the same as all the other OCD thoughts you have had in the past. You have overcome them so you can overcome this as well, but it does mean co-operating with the therapy and facing your fears head on which is supposed to make your OCD worse before it gets better.

Hang on in there, hopefully, one way or another it will get easier soon.

FF x

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Guest AnxiousCarolyn

Thank-you for all your replies, you make a lot of sense.

I am on my fifthteenth CBT session with the same therapist i have seen on and off for bulks of therapy over the last 7 years, but my CMHT will not give me anyone else, i pushed for it, i waited 9 months, they then did a therapy assessment and basically said, it was the same therapist or nothing, i cannot afford private, but i really wanted to start with someone new, however i wanted CBT so badly enough so I started seeing my old therapist again, my problem for the last year or so is very much pure obsessive based, intrusive thoughts non stop, thinking and doing rituals in my mind, with the main compulsion- seeking reassurance, my basic daily actions are affected by these thoughts too i.e as in repeating things but much less than the past, the thoughts are more of a problem than the repeating, i get the thoughts most of the time and just panic and think too much about thinking. I asked my therapist should we not be working on these thoughts rather than just making "coffee", (coffee is one of the difficult tasks i struggle with making due to my bad thoughts), he said if i can make the coffee successfully while thinking something bad for a moment or so and extending it a bit longer then i am making progress, however i disagree, as my pure obsessive thoughts have been getting worse, yet the coffee got better for a while, but now has fallen off track back to square one. He also tells me incorrect information i.e goes against what many doctors etc have said, he also thinks very highly of himself, he also says that when an OCD sufferer gives into a compulsion i.e remaking coffee, he sees that as loosing insight into OCD, i disagree strongly, its the anxiety and fear along with the urge that gets so overwhelming that cause me to give in, i know its crazy, irrational, but i want to escape anxiety and fear, i am instantly angry with myself for giving in, so i disagree with his views here.

Last Friday, he really upset me, i was a mess and shaking with anxiety, yet he was not bothered, and said if i didn't want to do continue therapy thats fine he was harsh, up to me to come back, he was not bothered etc, he never helped me deal with this anxiety, i went away in a panic. My partner thinks hes useless, the sessions are not getting to the real core problem or improving my life, i am lost with what to do next though, it seems if i give CBT up with him, i get nothing else, so i am worse off. My partner and I have decided we are going to write to my CMHT and ask for a meeting so we can all discuss the problems and make a plan forwards.

I have been fighting hard to get myself back on some kind of track, i am facing things that really strike such severe anxiety, and i am challenging my thoughts, and refocusing my mind on doing life normal things, but i see very little light at the end of the tunnel, i just live in mental misery, i won't give up yet, but i take each day as is comes. Its hard, but if i ever get through this, i will have to write a book or something! its been 21 years or so of OCD, i just want to live a life without it.

Carolyn x

Edited by AnxiousCarolyn
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Guest FobicFairy

Hi Carolyn,

I think asking for a meeting with the CMHT is a good thing to do. My concern is that because of your past issues and the way things have gone they are just going through the motions of giving you a therapist and not expecting much from you in return. I should point out that psychotherapists can seem a little cold as they don't always react to what you say or show much empathy. Mine is like that, I know deep down he is on my side, but it's more about examining your feelings and your own reactions rather than their response.

A councellor will show concern and give more feedback, but in the long run they are just putting a sticking plaster on the wounds rather than getting to the core of the problems. It sounds like you have a psychotherapist rather than a CBT therapist, but I could be wrong so don't take it as red. You have very complex issues and the psychiatrist will be treating you in order of what problems need to be addressed first. I remember when they withheld CBT because you wouldn't work on gaining some weight. I don't think they are being awkward on purpose, they have to deal with what they see as the most urgent problem, it doesn't mean they are being unpleasant to you on purpose.

Have you asked your therapist why he is giving you the responses he is? You have every right to ask him to explain why he reacts in a certain way. Good communication is everything. I quite often ask my therapist why he has reacted in a certain way or ask him to clarify something if I am not sure what his meaning is. I find that sometimes I take offense at what he says, then, when I ask him to explain why he has said what he has I find that I am taking it the wrong way. Therapy is meant to be hard work, and often it gets worse before it gets better.

I hope the CMHT are willing to discuss options and are able to give you some answers regarding your treatment.

FF x

Sorry about spelling errors, I still havent worked out how to spell check on here! Doh!

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Guest lucylia

Wow caorlyn, you sound so like me when i had my psychtic obsession. Im over it now, but the constant listeninf for any little noise,believing they were whispers, etc took up my whole day. Id lie in bed at night for hours listening for any little noise. My family constantly had to mute the tv cause i was so hypersensitive to hearing i could hear the slight noice off the fridge and i had to get them to mute it, ask them if they could hear it, and i had to get them to say what they could hear first before i could say so i would know it wasnt just me. Hunni i got there x you will to xx

Lucy xxx

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Guest AnxiousCarolyn

Thank you all, saw my CPN today, she is going to arrange a meeting with everyone involved, she also mentioned extra therapy, had good chat with her today, she helped me rationalise better as well, i also faced a really difficult avoidance today and resisting some rituals, delaying seeking reassurance, i know what i need to do, but its pure torture the anxiety.

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