no desire to live

[bruces]

But in finding it's the depression that is giving

Me the suicidal thoughts

[Hal]

How do you feel about Carol's idea to have your medication reviewed?

It really could be the missing part of the puzzle bruces, you've given them more than a fair shot over the years and they haven't helped. I'm certainly not saying stop taking them, that's too dangerous, you must continue on your current dose......but I really do think you should raise coming off them for good as a possibility with your healthcare team.

[Guest Erik197834]

Come on Bruce, no buts and if's. You have been saying that for too long now! The word is full of (temporarily) depressed people.

You are not unique in that way.

[bruces]

Regards medication I think It would either be stay as I am or ween me off these ones,they arnt prepared to try me with any others and I'm not sure if coming off them all together will help.

[Hal]

I'm not sure if coming off them all together will help.

I'm not militantly pro or anti-medication, enough time spent on the forum over the years clearly demonstrates that for some, medication really is a lifesaver, for others they may help a little or enough to help confront the fears in the early stages of therapy....... but for others unfortunately they don't help at all or the side effects are too severe to continue with them......there is also evidence that, again, for some they may actually cause the symptoms they're prescribed to combat.

Like Carol's son you could feel a lot better coming off them very gradually, but as I say you would have to talk it through carefully with your psychiatrist or nurse, it's not something you should do lightly........but personally I would look into it, you might still feel after weighing it all up that you'd prefer to stick with the Fluoxetine, that's absolutely fine, but it's important to look at all the options.

[bruces]

Yes I read about people's suicide stories and stuff I even researched euthanasia.

[bruces]

No good thanks mate

[Hal]

.............I'm probably way-off here, but has your doctor ruled out any problems with your thyroid?

Hypothyroidism caused by too little thyroid hormone can affect mood and cause depression......I know OCD and depression are co-morbid conditions for the obvious reasons, but do you have any other symptoms like fatigue, weakness, weight gain, coarse dry hair and cold intolerance, that could point towards a thyroid problem or do you feel generally physically OK?

As I say I'm probably off the mark, I know it's unlikely but wanted to say something just in case it's playing a part in how you're feeling.

[bruces]

I think I had a test for thyroid

[Guest nervous]

Hi Bruce, I feel for you. I am also suffering from depression as well as ocd, the two sickness live well together. I have thought about suicide a lot and the past summer was pretty bad, I just felt like my ocd was only getting worse. It stops me from working, having any friends and even seeing most of my family. I had once committed to fighting the good fight but when I couldn't stop and just got worse the depression hit me hard.

I used to be a technician in the manufacturing field and I was pretty good shade tree mechanic until I was a little over 40, it started with checking, then with contamination. At the time I had a job where I worked with some hazardous materials and my mind was off and running within a couple years everything changed, these days I cant even pick up my tools. The only thing I was ever good at was working and whenever life was troubling me I just went to work, but now the very thing that used relieve anxiety now creates it and I don't know what to do. I was ashamed to be around my family not only because of not working but also because of my ocd which gets embarrassing when I am trying to work through an exposure and start to panic running around like chicken little. Ocd can be very isolating and it has taken the fun out of almost everything, even when I am out doing things I used to enjoy I get no pleasure out of them and I am mostly going through the motions in an effort to try and do my exposures.

I have hope now though, I have tried lots of different medications and none seemed to do much of anything but the new one I am on is, it only started working once I got to the higher dosage at the lower amounts I didn't notice a difference. I don't like being on medication and do not see it as the answer but now I am able to do my exposures and be successful with them, in the past they were horrible experiences that even when they worked and the anxiety went away I was not able to carry any of that learned experience over and each new thought was like starting from the beginning.

I am only saying I have been through morbid depression twice in my life, once in my 20s (no ocd) and now in my mid 40s (with ocd). I came through it once and I can do it again. It may seem bad now like it will never get better but you never know when it will and when it does your life will be enjoyable again. I have a great wife and two wonderful kids but it was not long ago where all I could think is how much better off they would be without me. (which isn't true).

I am only starting to get better now and have a huge amount of work ahead of me but I have some belief now and I feel I can do this. I don't know what my future will look like but I am pretty sure it will be better than this.

keep trying

[bruces]

I know how you feel I too feel ashamed,it's like you don't a physical disability to show for the reasons you can't do things bits it's just as tough if not tougher,I worked in the car trade as a mechanic but my ocd plays havoc with tightening things up,the what ifs tend to be a major part of it,I can't begin to explain what consequences this illness has brought me.

[Guest Tricia]

I can imagine, Bruce. Working as a mechanic must have been so tough.

I struggle just to tighten up a screw or nut or put on my hand brake on the car. My husband always tells me not to over tighten things or put the brake on too hard, but when you are like us you don't know whether it is too tight/hard, or not tight enough etc...

I ask him how he knows when something is just right and he says it's instinctive - you just know. I think it's something those of us with OCD lack, no matter what our obsessions - the ability 'to know'...

[bruces]

Yes that's exactly how it is with me,I seem to lack that instinctive feel because my mind is always thinking

Of the what ifs!!

[Guest anatta]

Just posted this for someone else as it happened to come up in a discussion about mindfulness, but then I thought of you and this thread. I hope it will help, if you let it sink in for a bit.

http://youtu.be/Mb_0dCgVnFI?list=FLCEw8jFWBri5BgLqB00H00Q

Basically, you reading this now, will not wake up tomorrow, because the sense of self as a life-long container of experiences, that simply has different content at different times, is an illusion. You're just this moment. You did not exist a moment ago and won't in the next. A memory, which is just a recording, might play back, but any personal identification with it is false identification.

Reminding myself of this, and getting back into that manner of actual perceiving reality on a visceral level, stops me wanting to kill myself. I know "I" won't wake up tomorrow whether this body kills itself or not... so no point, and nothing to fear about tomorrow. It's genuinely someone else's problem, because the you of tomorrow is someone else. Care about them in the same way you care about others: altruistically, and not because you anticipate actually having their experiences.

Edited September 28, 2014 by anatta

[bruces]

That's rather deep and takes a bit of understanding !

[ACE]

Bruces can I ask you please do you think your current treating Dr is really helping you?.I don't want to judge them in any way at all but you need to clearly have a medication review and be put on to something else because ultimately at the end of the day you're the one who is&will continue to struggle.I'm sure the Therapy can always help but if the depression doesn't improve for you I fear the Therapy may not be enough to drag you out of this rut.I understand also i'm sure you've tried many meds but there are many others you can try&should be able to & I don't see why you can't my friend?.

I would look at seeing someone else if you really aren't benefiting from seeing your current Dr for e.g. I know of many meds that may help you mate,even combinations and even meds you have been on and not together but combining them together.Therapy?CBT is great but the problem is for e.g if your depression stays as it is I relaly do fear the Therapy alone may not be enough.I just want you to have a really good think about this ok my friend? :original: .

[bruces]

They won't review my meds mate theve already said that.

[bruces]

I despise every waking moment of life I can't bear it anymore.

[Ashley]

I despise every waking moment of life I can't bear it anymore.

Can I ask you, does writing this down actually help you get it off your chest?

[bruces]

I don't know why I put it down Ashley it's like I've for so much pain in me that I have to express it somehow,either that or I'm maybe searching for some kind of miracle.

[ocdlost]

I feel the same for one full year. No desire, no pleasure, nothing. I suggest you to try more, look at my story also and compare it with yours. Maybe it does help, post if you think you can help me in any way. My advice for you is to keep pushing, try to battle ocd on all sides. Read and read, dont stop reading. I am trying so.

My story : http://www.ocdforums.org/index.php?showtopic=64854

Edited October 1, 2014 by ocdlost

[bruces]

I just don't feel I can fight anymore I have none left in me,I just want to go and be at peace,I wish I could make my family understand that I'd be in a better place.

[ocdlost]

No shut up, you do have.

Have you tried anything ? no. Search the list with all ocd meds and TRY THEM ONE BY ONE, go to the med and try them for at least 1 month each until you have no med left.

Also, try all techniques, how the hell can you say that you could kill yourself instead of facing your fears ? how many times have they became true ? is death more pleasant than actually your fears (whatever fears your have) can become true ? No.

After exposing yourself to OCD for at least a year, and when everything becomes real (that wont) , then you shall consider suicide.

Look at my post, I consider suicide but I know its completely stupid. I wont do that but only after eliminating ALL the options I have, and there are tons. You just live in a very very small confort zone like I do (eat - **** - sleep - etc), because you fear your fears so much.

You are far away from suicide, my friend. You are just waiting for miracles, that wont happen. Start fighting or trust me, you will regret loosing important time.

I AM VERY in the same situation like you, I believe I am worse than you and yet I am able to consider suicide something stupid.

[bruces]

Not a Allowed to try any more meds

[bruces]

I struggle

To see any king of future when I have such little self esteem and confidence.