Here's my story...

[Guest bluecanary]

Hello all,

First of all, I'd like to say that I'm grateful to find this site. I have suffered from intense amounts of anxiety for most of my life, and only within the last few years or so have I realized that a lot of my odd childhood behaviors (checking, avoiding anything that happened in multiples of 3, being terrified every day that I would be sick at school, etc.) were classic symptoms of OCD.

I would say that I mostly "outgrew" my childhood OCD and these thoughts and behaviors generally went away, and things were fine up until my senior year of college. Maybe deep down I was afraid of graduation, the next steps of my life, etc., I don't know. But what I do know is that I suddenly became seized with terror for no apparent reason. I quite literally woke up one morning and everything looked different. Logically, I knew the world around me was the same, but it was almost as though I were looking at things through some kind of lens. I felt distanced from everyone and everything. I couldn't eat, had trouble sleeping, and was generally a mess. Eventually I went to a doctor, was prescribed Prozac for depression, started seeing a therapist, and life gradually got a bit better. In the ensuing years, I've had recurring "episodes" where the fear and panic attacks returned. I have suffered from what I now know is depersonalization and derealization. I had a lot of big, existential type of thoughts (what is life? Who am I?), and because I couldn't answer these questions (because they're pretty much unanswerable), I started to panic. Another disturbing thought was the harming thoughts. I'd pick up a knife and instantly a thought would flash in my head about stabbing someone. Or I'd be in my car and suddenly think about running someone over. I'd think about harming my pets for no apparent reason. These thoughts were instantly horrifying and upsetting to me, and when the OCD wasn't so bad, I'd just push them out of my mind. When I was already in a worried state, though, they took root and burrowed in, refusing to go.

From there, I became obsessed with the idea of going crazy. I have imagined at one point or another that I've had just about every psychological disorder in the book. Mostly, though, my biggest fear has been that I'm a homicidal maniac and will end up hurting people. I enjoy watching true crime shows, and part of me thinks I must be secretly obsessed with these things because I'm sick in the head. I try my best to be a good person, but I figure I'm not a good person if I have these awful kinds of thoughts. I don't think I've ever really had the courage to share the "harmful" thoughts with therapists, because I was scared that they'd lock me up. So I've been living alone with these thoughts for years. I keep thinking that if I could just stop worrying for a while, I could be very happy. But in an odd way, it's as though constantly being aware of these thoughts and worrying about them is the only way I can control them.

My fears and worries are attacking in a big way recently, and I'm pretty sure I know why - I'm going to be moving across the country in about a month to live with my boyfriend. Everything about my daily life is going to change, and while I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him, I'm also terrified that I'll be outside my comfort zone and I'll "lose it." I think down the road about getting married and having children. What if I'm not a good mother? What if I become one of those psychotic mothers who drowns their baby in a bathtub? The very thought of it makes me sick inside. And while I realize that the fact that it upsets me should be sufficient proof that I'm not, in fact, a horrible person or a psycho, but the fact that the thoughts occur to me at all still has me on the fence.

Anyway, just getting this out of my system helps, as does finding a place where other people know what I'm going through. I've always felt so alone in this, and I've been mentally thrashing myself over it. I'd love to hear about others' experiences, as well as things you've tried that have helped you in your journey.

[Guest eternallymissed]

Hi and welcome to the forum :original:

I'm glad you found your way here, it is really helpful to talk to people who know what you are

going through.

It's too bad you had to suffer so long before you realized you had ocd, but great you're going to be on the road to recovery, now.

I, too had a lot of thoughts about causing injury or death to people, and I was convinced having these thoughts made me evil or crazy.

Thankfully, for me, I found out it was ocd when I was still a teenager, and it is now mostly under control.

I am going through a slightly tougher period at the moment, but generally it has very little effect on my life.

Thought it might be good to know that it's possible to recover really well, even though it seems a long road to travel sometimes.

A very popular and effective treatment for ocd is called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Sufferers can be referred to a trained therapist from their doctor. Of course, I am going on what happens in the UK so don't know whether this treatment is popular in the USA.

There are also a lot of self help books out there which are very helpful. One which has been suggested to me is called 'Break Free from OCD' and is supposed to be very good.

Again, I don't know about US availability, but it is for sale on the internet.

Hope this is some help and that you begin to get some relief from your symptoms soon.

I know it's a tough road, but there's always people to talk to on this forum xx

[Guest sarah1984]

Hello BlueCanary and welcome to OCD UK,

You're certainly not the first OCD sufferer I've spoken to who has felt too scared to tell their therapist about their thoughts for fear that they would be locked up/detained in a secure psychiatric unit/have their children taken away by social services. The important thing to remember is that intrusive thoughts with a violent content are an incredibly common OCD symptom and therapists will have heard similar thoughts many times before. If you are feeling particularly anxious about discussing your thoughts with a therapist you could ask them to tell you some of the most common intrusive thoughts they have heard from other patients - I can guarantee that your thoughts will be on the list! All the sufferers I have come across are amazed when their therapist doesn't bat an eyelid at their thoughts. It's important to be totally honest with your therapist about the extent of your problems because otherwise you won't get the full benefit from your therapy.

Just for your information, here's a list of common intrusive thoughts experienced both by OCD sufferers and non-sufferers:

1. Urge to hurt or harm someone

2. Urge to say something cruel to someone

3. Thoughts of harm to, or death of, close friend or family member

4. Thoughts of acts of violence during sex

5. Urge to deliberately crash car while driving

6. Urge to act cruelly towards animals

7. Wishing someone were dead

8. Worrying whether you have committed a particular crime when you read reports in the papers/watch the news

9. Worries that you might be going crazy

10. Thoughts of engaging in inappropriate sexual acts e.g. rape or paedophilia

11. Urge to jump in front of a train/push someone under a train

12. Urge to be rude and abusive

13. Urge to violently attack a loved one

14. Urge to curse God or shout out something blasphemous during a religious ceremony

The difference between the OCD sufferer and the non-sufferer is the signficance they place upon the thoughts. While the non-sufferer finds the thoughts distressing, they can see they are ultimately irrational and they can brush them off relatively easily. In contrast the OCD sufferer finds it difficult to dismiss these thoughts for one or all of the following reasons:

• They believe the intrusive thoughts say something about them as a person - that they are mad, bad or dangerous
  
• They believe that having the thoughts increases the likelihood that they will come true
  
• They believe that the thoughts must be significant simply because they occurred in the first place
  
• They believe that having a thought is as bad as acting upon it - in reality, the 'goodness' or 'badness' of a thought is dependent upon the thinker's willingness to act upon it. Although many OCD sufferers worry that they are capable of acting upon their thoughts, in reality it's the last thing they want to do. As of yet, psychologists have never come across a case where an OCD sufferer has acted on their intrusive thoughts.
  

Most OCD sufferers desperately want to understand why they have such distressing thoughts. There is a pattern: loving parents experience intrusive thoughts about harming or abusing their kids; gentle people are troubled by thoughts of violence and religious people by blasphemous thoughts. Sufferers are persecuted by overwhelming feelings of guilt. In contrast genuine psychopaths thrive on thoughts of violence and paedophiles get a kick out of thoughts about abusing kids - they certainly don't feel guilty for having these thoughts! Intrusive thoughts always prey on a person's worst fears. Psychologists call these thoughts 'ego-dystonic' which means that the thoughts are inconsistent with a person's values, beliefs and character.

When someone first experiences intrusive thoughts, it's natural to want to get rid of them asap. Unfortunately, the more you fight the thoughts the more persistent they become. There's also a scientific explanation for this. When you are afraid to have a specific thought again your body moves into defence mode and starts to produce adrenaline. This causes your muscles to tense, your heart rate and breathing to increase and your thoughts start to race. And what thoughts come to mind? How not to have that particular thought again! When you are scared of your intrusive thoughts and you deliberately seek to prevent their reoccurrence, your body's response actually brings the thoughts to mind.

Here's a list of the ways in which your thoughts and behaviour can encourage an obsession to return:

• If you are afraid of your obsessions
  
• If you actively fight back against them
  
• If you deliberately seek to avoid situations that might remind you of them
  
• If you set yourself a goal of 'never ever' having a thought again
  
• If you worry about the next time you might have an obsession
  

A well-known example of the difficulties of thought control is the 'white bear story'. Try as hard as you can not to think of a white polar bear. Do not think about its furry white coat, its shiny black nose and the cute cubs snuggling up to their mum. What happened? I bet you couldn't stop thinking about that polar bear! If it's so difficult to block thoughts about neutral topics such as polar bears you can see how difficult it is to suppress thoughts that cause us distress.

As well as trying to stop their thoughts, sufferers can spend hours ruminating in attempts to reassure themselves that what they fear couldn't possibly happen. Just like thought control, reassurance seeking doesn't work. It may provide a temporary relief from anxiety but sooner or later the mind will find a flaw in the reassuring argument and a nasty voice pops up that says "Ah, but what if....?" For every reassuring argument you can come up with, there will always be an accompanying "What if?" thought.

So if thought suppression and reassurance seeking doesn't work, what does? The most successful strategy is to accept the presence of the intrusive thoughts and to let them be without trying to push them away or engage with them at all. Obviously this is much easier said than done! The best way to learn to do this is via a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). To learn about CBT and how it is used to treat OCD visit the following page: http://www.ocduk.org...vioural-therapy. The therapist will teach you exposure response prevention techniques (ERP). ERP involves confronting your intrusive thoughts head on (exposure) while resisting the urge to use your usual compulsions to reduce your anxiety (response prevention). The idea behind ERP is that through repeated exposure to distressing thoughts, something called 'habituation' happens. This means that the sufferer's tolerance for the thoughts increases with each exposure and they cause less and less of a fearful reaction. Eventually, through repeated exposure, the thoughts cause little to no anxiety and they don't interfere with the sufferer's life.

The two important things to remember about intrusive thoughts are:

1. It's not the thoughts that are the problem but the way in which you respond to them.

2. You may not be able to control the presence of the thoughts but you can change the way in which you respond to them.

I'd strongly recommend considering another course of CBT. Here's a list of books and articles that I found particularly useful when developing strategies to deal with my intrusive thoughts:

1. OCD and Thought Suppression: http://www.ocdla.com...-1249#more-1249

2. Reassurance seeking in OCD: http://www.ocdla.com...ty-597#more-597

3. 'Thinking the Unthinkable' http://www.ocdonline...phillipson1.php and 'Rethinking the Unthinkable' http://www.ocdonline...unthinkable.php. I'd also recommend having a look at some of Steve Phillipson's other articles: http://www.ocdonline...sphillipson.php

4. 'Treating Morbid Obsessions' http://www.wsps.info...l-phd&Itemid=64

5. Break Free from OCD: Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with CBT by Dr Fiona Challacombe, Dr Victoria Bream Oldfield and Prof Paul Salkovskis: http://www.ocdshop.c...products_id=163

6. Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD by David Clark and Christine Purdon: http://www.ocdshop.c...21271fdeb80e408

7. The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Bad Thoughts by Lee Baer: http://www.ocdshop.c...products_id=100

Hope you find this helpful

Sarah

[Guest dpatrice]

I totally know where your coming from, fortunately.. I was scared to talk to my therapist but I had the guts to do it and guess what, SHE BLUNTLY TOLD ME THAT SHE'D BE IN THE KITCHEN CUTTING CARROTS AND WOULD GET A VISION OF STABBING HER HUSBAND WHILE HIS BACK WAS FACED TO HER. I am going through a very hard time as well. But I promise, you'll feel better after talking to a psychologist/therapist. I hope we get through this!

[Guest starsintheireyes]

I told my therapist about my harm thoughts and she didn't even bat an eyelid. Talking about the thoughts has helped a lot and you should really think about doing it too x

[Guest bluecanary]

Thank you all for your kind and reassuring words. So much of what you've said has resonated with me.

Most OCD sufferers desperately want to understand why they have such distressing thoughts. There is a pattern: loving parents experience intrusive thoughts about harming or abusing their kids; gentle people are troubled by thoughts of violence and religious people by blasphemous thoughts. Sufferers are persecuted by overwhelming feelings of guilt. In contrast genuine psychopaths thrive on thoughts of violence and paedophiles get a kick out of thoughts about abusing kids - they certainly don't feel guilty for having these thoughts! Intrusive thoughts always prey on a person's worst fears. Psychologists call these thoughts 'ego-dystonic' which means that the thoughts are inconsistent with a person's values, beliefs and character.

Sarah - I think this part hit home the hardest for me. I've often had the thought that perhaps the reason these thoughts are the most persistent is because they involve the people I love the most, and are therefore the things I fear happening more than anything. I've heard of CBT, and I think it's an avenue I'd really like to pursue. Once I get settled in California, I'll try to talk to a therapist who specializes in it. I'll also look for some books on the subject. In the meantime, it's a great comfort to be among people who know exactly where I'm coming from. :original: