Very Nervous

[Guest dpatrice]

As I have Intrusive thoughts... One of them is sleeping with my boyfriend as this all started off of a joke he made about stabbing him. My parents are leaving out of town tomorrow morning and I know my boyfriend will be sleeping over and I am SO NERVOUS. I use to be so EXCITED to be alone and to just spend quality time together.. Now after this all began, I hate it!

I feel so guilty even being nice to him or when hes nice to me. I say to myself "why even be nice to him your just going to hurt him/kill him one day" OMG its the worst feeling EVER! But I do know that is how my ocd works, whatever Im obsessing on, I tend to do the "why even enjoy yourself if your just going to die from cancer one day, etc" .

Does anyone have any advice/techniques on what to do when he sleeps over and when having that guilty feeling? Its like I cant even enjoy myself with him anymore. I hate it so much.

I sleep with a knife in my dressor by my bed ( I stay home alone alot) and thats where I get all anxious and freaked out about. As the last time he spent the night (the thoughts where very new to me as they started 3 days prior to that weekend) I thought by "proving" to myself that I would never do such a thing would stop this all, but wow was I wrong! I purposely held the knife in my hand (not close to him) and sat their and contemplated.. asking myself "do I want to do this, what if I do, if your crazy youll do it right now, etc etc" It was the worst thing ever, and I was extremely nauseas that whole night and my anxiety was pretty bad. I have to admit I have been avoiding sleeping with him which I know is wrong and its only pro longing things. I also know by me trying to "prove" things to myself doesnt work either as my ocd will doubt everything that comes to mind. Its a sick vicious cycle.I have gone 21 years of my life never once having to prove something like that to myself, and I sure as hell wont do that anymore. Its so scary as sometimes I feel like I almost want to do those things, but I think I purposely make myself do that. It almost attacks everything I love and care about the most (mom, sister, boyfriend, pets) I never realised how bad analysing your thoughts were untill I had my intrusive thoughts, boy did that dig a deep hole thats is super hard to get out of!

I guess I was just looking for some words of encouragement as I am very very nervous :/

[Guest dpatrice]

Thanks "thezone" So as far as proving to myslef aspect of it, you mean not avoiding things right? I guess when I start getting those weird feeling/thoughts, not to pay them any attention and they will eventually fade. Im nervous, but then again I know I need to live my life and not be a hermit! Like I mentioned, I never use to be like this till he made that stupid joke (most people would laugh at it, but I took it waaaay out of porportion). So cut off the ruminating and be ok with living with uncertainty ?

[Guest Hockey30]

Hi dpatrice... hope you arent feeling too stressed about this weekend. It's just a shot in the dark here, but do you not think that having the knife in your dresser could be a cause for some of your anxiety? I know that it can be seen as a form of exposure, but if it is there the whole time then maybe it is actually causing your progress some damage, as you start to worry about how easy it would be for you to use it. I think that you might be jumping in at the deep end, so to speak, with your exposure and you have gone from A to Z straight away, rather than gradually building up your exposure exercises. Personally, if I was dealing with the same intrusive thoughts as you I probably wouldnt have the knife there the whole time. Rather, I would start with little things like writing down words or phrases on a piece of paper and carrying it around with you to occasionally look at, so you gradually build up your anxiety. I also think that doing things like holding a knife in your hands to prove you wouldn't do it could also be damaging as well, as it is a form of checking behavior. It wouldn't lead to you gaining clarity on whether or not you would do it because your mind will always work a way around it, by going like this, "see, I have held the knife and not done it." But then when you put it down and walk away your mind will probably end up saying, "But what if you are capable of it, and what if it happens next time you hold the knife?" I have read a couple of your previous posts and it seems to me that you already have a very good understanding of how intrusive thoughts can manifest themselves and how to deal with them, so I guess all that needs to be said is to try and accept the thoughts. Try to not engage in an argument with your OCD and accept that the thoughts are there and may well always be there, as that is the uncertainty you have to accept.

I also completely understand what you mean about the guilt taking away any enjoyment you could have with your boyfriend. I would suggest planning loads of things to do when you are with him so you barely have any time to ruminate over all your intrusive thoughts. When an anxious mind isn't preoccupied by real and valid thoughts it soon starts moving towards the irrational.

I'm sure you will have a great time with your boyfriend. And even if you don't and the thoughts come thick and fast, it doesn't mean you arent making any progress. The fact that you are even spending the weekend on your own with him and you aren't avoiding it shows you are heading in the right direction.

Oh and great comparison to Chicken Run by the way thezone! Although I am now starting to crave chicken pie... dammit.

[Guest dpatrice]

Ahh thank you Hockey!

Yea I feel like the knfie situation is a toss up.. I FORSURE know it would ease my thoughts tramendously but then I know how my mind works. "Oh you didnt end up killing him cause the knife wasnt there.. but what if it was there.blah blah blah" SO STUPID I know. You are very correct as the aspect of "jumping from A-Z" as that is what I have been told from a OCD leader at a support group. He told me I jumped from a 1 to 10 when i should be gradually working up to it. Although I know it isnt the "norm" for someone to sleep with a knife in their dressor. I just NEVER EVER gave it ANY thought what so ever! If anything I once worried, "what if I end up stabbing him in my sleep" but it was never about "intentionally hurting him" NEVER! So this is how I seperate that what I am going through is indeed a fear/ocd.

I will definitely consider not sleeping with it inside my dressor. Again, I just get nervous and my mind will tell me that the only reason why I havent harmed him is due to me not sleeping with it. Ahh so confused!

Also, the hole "prooving thing" you are so correct! It only made me doubt myself more and more.. The more I was sitting there analysing if I could do it or not and knowing how EASY it is to do something like that if you truly wanted to, SCARED me!

I will definitely work on not ruminating. We are going away NEXT thursday to a hotel for our 6 year anniversary! I should be estatic, but I am not. BUT I will not let this run my life! Thanks again

[Guest dpatrice]

Also, one thing I forgot to mention. I slept over HIS house christmas eve. I was very tired and there was no knife in his room and I hardly thought about it. So I know the knife for sure causes me anxiety but I just thought that that would be good exposure for me if I had it there. I dont have too much anxiety with the knife when im sleeping alone with my pup, its only when he/someone where to sleep with me. The racing thoughts start going.

This is so confusing :/ I know it would help with my thoughts, but then again.... I know my stupid ocd will tell me that the only reason why I didnt harm him was due to the fact that the knife was there. Although I know it is not impossible to get a weapon, wether I hopp out of bed to get it or reach into my dressor. YUCK I even hate writing that out! I just want things to be back to normal where I didnt even think of these things and just enjoyed myself with him :/

[Guest dpatrice]

Anyone? ;/

[Guest dpatrice]

Very true. Well today my parents left, im very VERY nervous! But I know by avoiding situations will only perpetuate the situation and drag it on! Im praying that I will get through this. This is so sick how Im not even EXCITED to be alone with my boyfriend when before this, thats all I EVER WANTED TO DO! UGHH! WHY ME!!!!! This sucks, but I wont be a negative nelly, I am going to say "this weekend will be great!"

And also, I came down to a decision about the knife situation. I will keep it in my room, as Ive slept with it in my dressor for YEARS and never once got like the way I am now! The only other obsessions when hed sleep over are other things, like trust issues, etc. Although these intrusive thoughts make you question your morals, I know you cant do anything that you DONT want to do and although this may trick me into thinking I want to do such things, I know deep down I dont, thats the whole reason behind me trying to avoid things. Ahh this stupid OCD is such a ******!

So my plan of action:

We will be going on a "date" tomorrow night, I will not let this get the best of me and enjoy myself! when I sleep with him and get those weird thoughts, I will let them be there but not engage in them what so ever! Hopefully the more I do this, the easier itll get.. I think the reason why I am still scared to sleep with him is due to the fact I DONT sleep with him all the time as we do not live together, so I havent confronted my fears. But again, I know I must do this in order to overcome this ****.

Please pray for me! lol jkjk

[Guest irretractable]

Sounds like you've come to a good plan...always so hard to have the thoughts but not engage them. But you're right, that's what ultimately helps. Enjoy your time with your boyfriend!!!