Heightened sense of responsibility

[jennielouises]

I've always thought my OCD was about fear of contamination from germs so I don't get ill. But I've finally got to the bottom of my OCD and realise that it's actually a way for me to keep the big scary world in control and put of my save haven of a home. My cousin (my mums sister's son) died of cot death when I was four. Less than a month later my little sister was born and obviously there was a lot of anxiety in my family. My sister was very protected in case it happened to her. As a four year old I didn't really understand what was happening. Just that people could die. I think I then took on the heightened sense of responsibility that I had to protect my parents and sisters from dying. That is when the OCD started really. Plus mum remembers that's when I stopped being the cuddly little girl. If I don't let myself show how much I care about someone then it avoids me getting hurt and it protects them. I've been tasked with challenging this belief. It was easy for me the challenge the belief that if I will get ill if I do or don't do something. But how can I challenge the belief that if I don't do something, my family will die. What if I'm challenging it an it turns out to be true and one of them dies? I've also got to start thinking through the actual horrible thought and starting facing that it could happen rather than running away from it. I've never got this far into my OCD before and feel I'm making progress but its going to be hard to learn to live with emotions and anxiety.

[Guest nervous]

I fear contamination and when you break it down the biggest fear is that I will be contaminated and I will then contaminate my kids and make them sick and that will be I failed them as their protector I end up being the cause of the their sickness. This fear is so locked on me that it controls everything I think of I have been trying to work through this in my cbt but it isnt easy.

An over inflated sense of responsiblity is common in ocd and it is just ocd finding a new way to make its grip tighter. I havn't found a way to face mine yet although I am working on it and I am positive of a good outcome. It is a long road that got us where we are so it wont be a short trip back.

[Northern Star]

Hi jennielouises,

For many, many years I believed that my OCD was down to a fear of contamination from germs making other people (not me) ill; also that I might be a paedophile or that I might cheat on my husband. It's only recently that I've realised that it all boils down to the same thing - that I could be responsible for harm (either physical or emotional) coming to somebody else. I found this realisation very useful; it sounds like you are as well. Are you having some professional support to help you with working through your OCD? I understand mine but am too afraid to go "against" it without professional support.