Newbie

[Guest Retrogirl1940]

Hi Everyone,

I've just signed up here after reading the forums since Christmas time and have found them very helpful, so thank you everyone.

I have suffered from panic attacks for many many years now and since finding this website I am now aware I have OCD or what people call Pure O.

I believe I have suffered with this from a young ago (maybe 7 years old). The form mine takes is the fear that something bad is going to happen to me, illness thoughts and worries that I might get so ill I may try to take my own life. The latter has been the newest obsession that I have had since mid December.

I've been on Seroxat since I was 19 years old......I'm now 34. Every time I have tried to reduce the dose I have crashed and burned.

Since my last episode my doctor has upped my dose to 40 mg which I have been on for about 3 weeks now.

I've been to see the local crisis team about 2 weeks ago as I was convinced I was going crazy and I had to self refer myself through IAPT.

I have my first assessment today with a psychologist I think which I am very anxious about.

I'm not comfortable being alone for long periods of time and find my journey too and from work on the train and tube stressful.

I also fear the future. How am I going to cope with things and possibly have a relationship and children one day when I am like this???

Any comments from fellow sufferers are much appreciated!

xx

[Guest eternallymissed]

_{Hi, and welcome to the forum :original:}

_{Glad to hear you have been finding it helpful already,I have found everyone very friendly}

_{and willing to give advice.}

_{Sorry that you have been going through tough times, but it is a good thing that you have an appointment}

_{to see someone. Don't be afraid to be honest about your thoughts and feelings, although I know it's}

_{hard to talk about.}

_{Hope it goes well today good luck xx}

[Guest Retrogirl1940]

Thanks eternally missed.

I'm quite anxious about the appointment as it freaks me out just talking about. I'm frightened they may think I'm insane but after reading people's posts on here I'm hoping that's not the case.

Thank you for responding. It's so reassuring knowing that you're not alone and people understand exactly what you're going through!!!!

[Guest Christian002]

Hi and welcome. I understand how much panic attacks and anxiety can the over your life and make you unhappy. I used to suffer with panic attacks, and like you was convinced I was going crazy. I used to go to the hospital to the emergency department and was convinced I was dying. Luckily for me I don't have them anymore. Hope you learn to control your anxiety and panic attacks! Good luck.

[Guest sarah1984]

Hello Retrogirl and welcome,

It sounds as if we suffer from similar obsessions. Can I ask whether you fear getting ill in the here and now or whether your fears revolve around getting ill at some stage in the future? If your fears are focused on the present, you might be suffering from an OCD related condition called health anxiety disorder where people develop an obsessive preoccupation with the fear that they have something seriously wrong with their health. To find out more about health anxiety disorder take a look at this page from Anxiety UK: http://www.anxietyuk.org.uk/about-anxiety/anxiety-disorders/health-anxiety/.

My own personal fears revolve around developing a serious illness in later life and becoming totally mentally and physically dependent on others. This all started when I read a rather distressing article in the papers about someone who developed early-onset Alzheimer's disease, the form that develops before someone is 65. At first, I tried to reassure myself by telling myself that people with dementia don't realise that they are ill and that it's worse for their families than for the sufferer. Unfortunately, I started researching and I found out that if someone is diagnosed with Alzheimer's at a very early stage, they can be aware of their condition. This got me thinking about how I would cope if I were in that situation and knew that I was going to lose my mind. I concluded that I wouldn't be able to cope and that I would end up committing suicide. This led on to thoughts about whether I was a weak and cowardly person for thinking like that and whether I would be punished by God for taking my life under those circumstances. These thoughts scared the hell out of me and I spent months living in terror. I didn't realise I had OCD until I stumbled across an article online about intrusive thoughts and I was so amazed that the article described exactly what I was going through. I then set to work drawing up my own self-help CBT programme and I had a couple of sessions of CBT on the NHS too. After 2.5 years, I'm pleased to say that the thoughts cause me little to no anxiety and they don't interfere with my daily life anymore.

I've taken seroxat in the past for anxiety issues. I was first put on seroxat at the age of 14 and I took it till I was 21. By that time, I was on 60mg daily. I then had to take a year's leave of absence from uni suffering from severe anxiety and my medication was switched to duloxetine. I'm now taking venlafaxine and quetiapine, which is an anti-psychotic.Seroxat is notorious for withdrawal issues - I was very lucky in that I didn't have any problems myself.

When I first found out about intrusive thoughts, I found it frustrating that all the self-help books seemed to focus on violent, sexual or blasphemous thoughts and my obsession didn't seem to fit. I've since realised that the content of the intrusive thoughts is irrelevant - it's the way that you react to them that's the problem. More recently, I found an article online that discusses health related obsessions. I was really pleased to see that it mentioned the fear that someone would be unable to cope with a serious illness and would end up committing suicide. Here's the link to the article if you would like a read: http://www.steveseay.com/ocd-contamination-fears-health-hiv-aids/. I'd also recommend reading this related article: http://www.steveseay.com/ocd-contamination-germs-fears-washing/. Don't let the hyperlinks put you off - my fears have nothing to do with contamination or HIV.

You may not feel like it at the moment but I can promise you that there is hope. This time two years ago I was suffering from crippling anxiety and I spent the majority of the day grappling with my obsessive thoughts. I had to take long term sick leave and my fiance left me because he couldn't cope with my illness. I'm now looking to return to work in the next few months and I'm going to start dating again. Try not to think too far ahead at the moment - instead focus on your recovery because there is help available.

Here's some information on intrusive thoughts that you might find helpful:

The important thing to remember is that everyone experiences distressing intrusive thoughts from time to time, regardless of whether they suffer from OCD or not. Here's a list of common intrusive thoughts experienced both by OCD sufferers and non-sufferers:

1. Urge to hurt or harm someone
2. Urge to say something cruel to someone
3. Thoughts of harm to, or death of, close friend or family member
4. Thoughts of acts of violence during sex
5. Urge to deliberately crash car while driving
6. Urge to act cruelly towards animals
7. Wishing someone were dead
8. Worrying whether you have committed a particular crime when you read reports in the papers/watch the news
9. Worries that you might be going crazy
10. Thoughts of engaging in inappropriate sexual acts e.g. rape or paedophilia
11. Urge to jump in front of a train/push someone under a train
12. Urge to be rude and abusive
13. Urge to violently attack a loved one
14. Urge to curse God or shout out something blasphemous during a religious ceremony

The difference between the OCD sufferer and the non-sufferer is the signficance they place upon the thoughts. While the non-sufferer finds the thoughts distressing, they can see they are ultimately irrational and they can brush them off relatively easily. In contrast the OCD sufferer finds it difficult to dismiss these thoughts for one or all of the following reasons:

• They believe the intrusive thoughts say something about them as a person - that they are mad, bad or dangerous
• They believe that having the thoughts increases the likelihood that they will come true
• They believe that the thoughts must be significant simply because they occurred in the first place
• They believe that having a thought is as bad as acting upon it - in reality, the 'goodness' or 'badness' of a thought is dependent upon the thinker's willingness to act upon it. Although many OCD sufferers worry that they are capable of acting upon their thoughts, in reality it's the last thing they want to do. As of yet, psychologists have never come across a case where an OCD sufferer has acted on their intrusive thoughts.

Most OCD sufferers desperately want to understand why they have such distressing thoughts. There is a pattern: loving parents experience intrusive thoughts about harming or abusing their kids; gentle people are troubled by thoughts of violence and religious people by blasphemous thoughts. Sufferers are persecuted by overwhelming feelings of guilt. In contrast genuine psychopaths thrive on thoughts of violence and paedophiles get a kick out of thoughts about abusing kids - they certainly don't feel guilty for having these thoughts! Intrusive thoughts always prey on a person's worst fears. Psychologists call these thoughts 'ego-dystonic' which means that the thoughts are inconsistent with a person's values, beliefs and character.

When someone first experiences intrusive thoughts, it's natural to want to get rid of them asap. Unfortunately, the more you fight the thoughts the more persistent they become. There's also a scientific explanation for this. When you are afraid to have a specific thought again your body moves into defence mode and starts to produce adrenaline. This causes your muscles to tense, your heart rate and breathing to increase and your thoughts start to race. And what thoughts come to mind? How not to have that particular thought again! When you are scared of your intrusive thoughts and you deliberately seek to prevent their reoccurrence, your body's response actually brings the thoughts to mind.

Here's a list of the ways in which your thoughts and behaviour can encourage an obsession to return:

• If you are afraid of your obsessions
• If you actively fight back against them
• If you deliberately seek to avoid situations that might remind you of them
• If you set yourself a goal of 'never ever' having a thought again
• If you worry about the next time you might have an obsession

A well-known example of the difficulties of thought control is the 'white bear story'. Try as hard as you can not to think of a white polar bear. Do not think about its furry white coat, its shiny black nose and the cute cubs snuggling up to their mum. What happened? I bet you couldn't stop thinking about that polar bear! If it's so difficult to block thoughts about neutral topics such as polar bears you can see how difficult it is to suppress thoughts that cause us distress.

As well as trying to stop their thoughts, sufferers can spend hours ruminating in attempts to reassure themselves that what they fear couldn't possibly happen. Just like thought control, reassurance seeking doesn't work. It may provide a temporary relief from anxiety but sooner or later the mind will find a flaw in the reassuring argument and a nasty voice pops up that says "Ah, but what if....?" For every reassuring argument you can come up with, there will always be an accompanying "What if?" thought.

So if thought suppression and reassurance seeking doesn't work, what does? The most successful strategy is to accept the presence of the intrusive thoughts and to let them be without trying to push them away or engage with them at all. Obviously this is much easier said than done! The best way to learn to do this is via a course of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). To learn about CBT and how it is used to treat OCD visit the following page: http://www.ocduk.org...vioural-therapy. The therapist will teach you exposure response prevention techniques (ERP). ERP involves confronting your intrusive thoughts head on (exposure) while resisting the urge to use your usual compulsions to reduce your anxiety (response prevention). The idea behind ERP is that through repeated exposure to distressing thoughts, something called 'habituation' happens. This means that the sufferer's tolerance for the thoughts increases with each exposure and they cause less and less of a fearful reaction. Eventually, through repeated exposure, the thoughts cause little to no anxiety and they don't interfere with the sufferer's life.

The two important things to remember about intrusive thoughts are:

1. It's not the thoughts that are the problem but the way in which you respond to them.
2. You may not be able to control the presence of the thoughts but you can change the way in which you respond to them.

I'd strongly recommend speaking to your GP about the possibility of a referral for CBT. Here's a list of books and articles that I found particularly useful when developing strategies to deal with my intrusive thoughts:

1. OCD and Thought Suppression: http://www.ocdla.com...-1249#more-1249

2. Reassurance seeking in OCD: http://www.ocdla.com...ty-597#more-597

3. 'Thinking the Unthinkable' http://www.ocdonline...phillipson1.php and 'Rethinking the Unthinkable' http://www.ocdonline...unthinkable.php. I'd also recommend having a look at some of Steve Phillipson's other articles: http://www.ocdonline...sphillipson.php

4. 'Treating Morbid Obsessions' http://www.wsps.info...l-phd&Itemid=64

5. Break Free from OCD: Overcoming Obsessive Compulsive Disorder with CBT by Dr Fiona Challacombe, Dr Victoria Bream Oldfield and Prof Paul Salkovskis: http://www.ocdshop.c...products_id=163

6. Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts: How to Gain Control of Your OCD by David Clark and Christine Purdon: http://www.ocdshop.c...21271fdeb80e408

7. The Imp of the Mind: Exploring the Silent Epidemic of Bad Thoughts by Lee Baer: http://www.ocdshop.c...products_id=100

8. Accepting intrusive thoughts: http://www.ocdla.com...-1766#more-1766

I hope you find the links helpful and that your assessment goes well today - let us know how you get on. :original:

Sarah

[Guest Retrogirl1940]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks so much for your reply.

Yes our fears are very similar. Mine is more the getting ill now. My biggest fear is epilepsy. I've always had a very strong fear of the condition since I was a little girl and feared that I would get it. It's worse when I'm having a bad time with panic attacks and anxiety.

If I ever see any health related programmes on TV it can trigger a panic episode.

Thanks for the links......very interesting.

Well I managed to get the bus alone to my appointment and everyone there was so lovely.

They did a risk assessment on me and they are not concerned that I'm suicidal it's the fear of losing control which is the trigger, so that's a relief.

I'm going to be having an intensive course of CBT one on one with a psychologist as opposed to the computer based self help course which I'm very pleased about. The appointment for that should come through in a couple of weeks.

I'm currently sat on the train on my own (Mum has been travelling with me the last week) on my way to work. This is a massive step as 6 weeks ago I couldn't get out of bed. So, this morning is looking positive.

I'm so glad I've found this community of people and I can talk freely about this debilitating condition!!!!

[Guest sarah1984]

I'm really pleased to hear that your appointment went so well and that you've been given one on one therapy with a psychologist. I'm afraid I don't have much faith in computerised CBT courses - I think they are a form of cost cutting. I hope you don't have to wait too long to start therapy - did they give you any indication of when you would start? Well done for taking the train on your own - that's a really positive step. I know what you mean about health related programmes - when my OCD was really bad I used to panic whenever I heard anything about Alzheimer's on the news/in the papers/online. Because I spent so much time obsessing about it. it seemed as if Alzheimer's was cropping up everywhere! As part of my CBT, I deliberately sought out info on Alzheimer's via library books and visiting the website of the Alzheimer's Society to trigger my intrusive thoughts and to practise accepting them. Although I'm now much better, I still check the Alzheimer's Society website on a monthly basis as a form of exposure therapy and to maintain my progress.

Sarah