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Pocd and freaking cos of porn


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Hi, this is my first ever post. Recently I have developed pocd (intrusive thoughts about children), I have had OCD in some form since my early teens (23 now) although i didn't know this is what it was till pocd started and I found this site. Anyways I thought I had it under control (the thoughts) but I have suffered a setback and have been up all night and crying sure this time I'm a pedo :(!

Anyways what happened is that yesterday I was looking at porn on one of the mainstream tube sites when next to video I was watching there was an advert for a porn site with thumbnails where the girls looked very young (like 13/ 14 ish) now my first reaction was instant worry I'd seen this but I calmed myself down by reminding myself that these websites have strict over 18 only policies on models used and so I simply exited the page and carried on.

However about 20 minutes after I had finished I had the urge that I had to see this ad again to check that these girls were in fact 18 or over, unfortunately my OCD got the better of me and I looked for it again (I soso wish I hadnt cos I'm racked with guilt and worry and doubt now) and clicked on it cos In my OCD state I had to know whether they were legal! So stupid I know! Any way the site was one of these barely legal teen sites called 18girls or something and I checked it was a legal site by finding the 2257 disclaimer

However I couldn't help but look at the girls from the advert on this new site as if by looking at them I would somehow be able to tell if they were old enough!

The thing I'm most worried about is that these girls, while obviously post pubescent didnt look 18 and now I'm racked with guilt and doubt that I'm a pedo cos I kept looking and checking my reaction and the worst part is the first time I looked it felt like I was having physical arousal although the second and only other time I checked I had no reaction!

I know reassurance is the wrong way to go and I'm just can't seem to accept that this is OCD cos I haven't found any similar posts and I feel disgusted and have had no sleep and cried over the fact that I've checked and may have had arousal over girls that looked so young in porn even tho they be 18 cos iit was a legal site!

I know barely legal is a legal type of porn but the fact they looked so young and that I kept looking and have checked once or twice means I'm a pedo even tho this thought that I am has caused me so much anguish!

I need help and have no idea what to do :(

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A bit of background on me: I have also had hocd since I was 14 althought I have had that beaten for the last 3 years with only the occasional minor spike.

I am so worried about this that this time it's not OCD, I have no desire to do anything to children or underage girls and feel appalled by what I have done and I have been up nearly all night racked with worry and guilt! I'm in a loving relations hip and am madly in love with my girlfriend and I want kids of my own one day, this is killing me and this time I fear I've gone too far and it's not OCD anymore? I can't think straight anymore and I know I'm rambling now but I haven't a clue whRther this is part of OCD or something more! :((

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Guest Messedup

Look, first of all calm down. :)

Secondly ,if it was OCD before, than its OCD now as well.

You just need to relax and step aside your thoughts, I mean, when they come.. Don't give in into compulsion and ignore them. I know it's hard and we all want 100% certainty that we are not going to act on our thoughts but I think that you being here and being so afraid is proovinf that you have no intention of acting on those thoughts and this is al that counts.

You are 23, this girl is 18 , many girls at 18 look like adults , you are 5 years older not 50. You would be a pedo if you (in other circumstances, outside OCD) had willingness (NOT A THOUGHT) of having sex with a child (under 16) and you clearly don't!! So take this latest reassurance and start working on your OCD. Apply the mindfulness and ignore the thoughts, I know it s hard to say "accept the possibility that you are a pedo" vecause no one would ever want that, but try to stop wanting to find an answer right now.

I hope it helps a little. I know it's hard. Be strong! And don't let your OCD take over your life.

You said you overcame hocd, would you mind reading my last topic? "OCD onset and therapy"? I'd really need some advice about it too.

I would like to know how you overcame it. Thanks

Take care.

Xx

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A perfect response to you OCDhead from messedup. What you experienced is a classic OCD thing that battles alongside our day-to-day likes. There is no substance whatsoever in your fears. I am 34 now and have experienced OCD for longer than you have been alive :man: . Flashes of thoughts, visions and even 'associations' all happen to people of all ages. The fact that you freaked out and sought assurance shows it is OCD working you up. Whatever it was you saw, I bet if you asked a 100 guys (ESPECIALLY your age) to see the same image, they would admit a sexual thought if they were being honest. The difference with them is they wouldnt think any more about it and diss-guard the thought!

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Repetitvley telling people its ocd is in fact reassurance in disguise, and it is another compulsion

also avoiding porn is actually allowing the ocd to gain the upperhand, as porn isnt the problem, its the ocd that is the problem that needs treating

You wouldnt avoid a newspaper because it might have murder storys in it would we ? nope. Avoidance never works

The key to getting better from ocd is cbt and exposure therapy and work at changing the way we respond to the thoughts and anxiety

Have you had any help in the past re cbt wise ?

Edited by legend
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legend: repetitive assurance seeking is wrong :thankyousign: . I normally opt for a rule of saying 'its OCD' once and once only but it can creep over that during an accumulation of posts :(

no problem buddy been guilty of it myself. learning curves and all that. :)

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Look, first of all calm down. :)

You are 23, this girl is 18 , many girls at 18 look like adults , you are 5 years older not 50. You would be a pedo if you (in other circumstances, outside OCD) had willingness (NOT A THOUGHT) of having sex with a child (under 16) and you clearly don't!!

Xx

In the interests of accuracy, paedophilia is actually defined as an attraction to prepubescent children - which is usually defined at 11. From the ages of about 11-14 the term used is Hebephilia - but only in the cases of primary or exclusive attraction. Hebephilia was rejected outright as a mental disorder when a few years ago it was considered for the DSM (The Big Book of Diseases, basically), on the grounds that it is not unusual (as concluded from various experiments) to feel limited attraction to teenagers because they are themselves becoming sexual. However it is unethical and always illegal to act out in such a manner.

I think it is important for people with sexual obsessions to understand that this is not a black and white issue, because we tend to engage in black and white thinking - and in the media/amongst popular opinion, this is one of the last great black and white debates going. When my OCD fears morphed from insanity to pedophilia, it latched on partially because I was scared of being ostracized, but also because I believed pedophilia was completely one way or the other, thereby enabling the distorted thinking. The more knowledge I have come to possess (through compulsive research, of course), the less I worry whether or not I AM or AM NOT a pedophile, and the more I can understand that the label is not really applicable to my life.

Edited by mg1234
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Guest Messedup

Thanks for your explanation mg1234, what I meant to do was make him see how being attracted to an 18 yo girl while he himself is 23 can not be considered pedophilia. I said "under 16" bevande i think that kids around 14-15 can still be considered children and i thiught that if a 40 yo male is attracted or sexually involved with a 14 yo girl it would still be considered paedophilia . I didn't know about hebephilia so this could help ocd head understanding better this thing.

Anyway I hear 50 yo men making comment about 20 yo girls dancing on television! They will ( most always) act on their thoughts and won't think about it twice! That's what we all should learn to so. I know how hard it is, I had a weird dream tonight and now I am so anxious and confused ... I don't know what it meant... But while I know that dreams mean nothing at all, I still can't stop worrying, so as anyone else on this forum, I feel you. And I hope you get better soon.:)) xx

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Hi guys, thanks for all your comments. I am not so sure its a great idea if we segregate ages of 20s, 40s, 50s, teens, etc, into the above context. Whilst this will probably help the younger person struggling with sexual OCD, I have a feeling it might drive even a slightly older person with sexual OCD into crazy panic mode as to where his/her category fits. We all understand what OCD is like and hope our discussions don't do that .... Hope I don't upset anyone saying this :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry I have not replied further to this thread, I have been taking time to try and think through everything to try and stop myself worrying.

I have managed to reduce my anxiety somewhat but I still have worries...

I think I am coming to the conclusion that it was my reaction to what I saw that was the problem and not what I actually saw.

I still worry though, I know the site I was on was a legal site and so all girls have to be 18 (or so i hope) but I worry that the girls I saw looked very young like 13/14 :(! I know people can look younger but what is still worrying me is the fact that the fist time I saw it I'm sure I felt physical arousal!

I'm not really sure what to do now, I don't want to go back on the site, but I know avoidance is bad for OCD.

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