What's wrong with me, do I have Harm OCD?

[Guest Clockwork]

Throughout my life, I have always considered myself having a mild form of OCD (not officially diagnosed), but I always found myself repeating pointless tasks and always had short anxiety if I did not do so. This all never bothered me that much. Then something horrible changed in me.

A week ago though, I watched a video on YouTube titled "Interview With A Cannibal". The video itself terrified me. I am usually not bothered that much with gore and violence, but for some reason this video disturbed me. I could never get the images and how the cannibal went into detail about the murder out of my head. And anytime I would think about it I would get massive anxiety and not sure why.

After a while, my fear got worse. The images of the victim in the video were replaced with that of my girlfriend. Like she was the one that horrible act was happening too. This terrified me so much. I love my girlfriend more than anything and just the thought of something like this happening to her petrified me. Over a short time the images kept coming back and never stopped, but the way they were portrayed was horrid. They showed that I was the one doing these terrible things to her. I was the one killing her. Just the thought of this scares me so much. She's the only person I have in my life and I don't know what I would do without her.

And the more I try to stop the thoughts from coming, the worse they get. Whenever I am around her, I get a strong urge to just attack/kill her for no reason. It's like something in my head is telling, ordering me too. But I could never do a thing like that, I would never even think of it. But these thoughts, their tearing me apart. Before I watched that video, everything was perfect. Nothing in our relationship would cause me to think like this, I love her more than life itself. And I would never even harm another person, not even if I was forced too. I would much rather cause harm to myself than another person. Especially my girlfriend.

Yesterday it finally got to a point where I had to tell her what was happening to me. I didn't want her to get a wrong idea of why I was acting so reclusive and not talking as much as I usually do. At first I didn't want to tell her because I thought she would be terrified of me because these thoughts are directed towards her. After I told her everything, she wasn't. She understood that something was wrong with me and knew that I would never hurt her. She tells me that I should just stop thinking about it and I'll be okay, but that's the problem, it doesn't matter how hard I try to forget about the thoughts. They always come back and get worse every time. It felt relieving to get it off my chest when I told her, but that only made me feel better for a little while. I can block these thoughts relatively easy whenever I am with her or other people. But whenever I am alone (which is quite often), they come at full force. Causing me to not even function properly. Nothing I do can take my mind off of these evil thoughts and images. I've researched these symptoms online and there a lot of people and their situations I can relate too. The only reassurance I can get is from reading their stories and find that I am not alone. This helps only for a little while.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't afford therapy or see a psychiatrist and I've read that may not always help with these things. Sometimes making them worse. I've tried getting help from other websites, but nobody has helped me, or even re-assured me that I am not crazy. These thoughts make me feel like I am losing my sanity and will just snap one day and turn into a psychopath serial killer. Anytime I see a violent program or news broadcast on T.V., I get the thought that the killer could be me. That I would just suddenly attack and kill my girlfriend in such a brutal and gruesome way that I get sick every time I think about it. Why is this happening to me, I'm scared. I love her so much, why are these thoughts attacking her. I just don't know what to do anymore. I need help

[Caramoole]

Hi Clockwork and to the forum, I'm sorry that you're experiencing such horrible fears.

Clearly none of us can diagnose OCD but from all that you describe you thoughts and fears are typical of OCD. Terrifying but not actually dangerous, despite how real they seem.

I see you're not from the UK and don't know exactly how your health services work, cost wise. I would still recommend that you do see your regular Doctor and explain the type of thoughts/problems you're experiencing.

And the more I try to stop the thoughts from coming, the worse they get

it doesn't matter how hard I try to forget about the thoughts. They always come back and get worse every time

This is one of the main problems we have as sufferers. Trying to stop the thoughts from coming, trying to push them away, trying to analyse them, trying to work them out and trying to neutralise them by telling ourselves things like how we would never do these things, how we're a good person. We're often using thought stopping techniques by using sentences like "stop it", "go away", "I would never do that". Just as someone with contamination issues would carry out a ritual like hand washing or showering....we may not seem to have obvious compulsions but generally we are carrying out mental compulsions to try and make the thoughts stop.

It felt relieving to get it off my chest when I told her, but that only made me feel better for a little while

Again, seeking reassurance from others is another compulsion that we use to try and lessen the horror and anxiety we feel. It's understandable, especially in the early days...but reassurance seeking is counter-productive and the more we seek reassurance, the more we are driven to seek it. The relief we feel doesn't last for long and it's easy to get drawn into the cycle of seeking reassurance.

As a new sufferer it is a relief to search for evidence that there are others who feel this way...but again, this can quickly become another compulsion, another form of reassurance. All very unhelpful in dealing with our OCD.

Your brain is stuck in a loop and firing thoughts that you hate, that you are trying desperately to force out. The more you force, the harder they stick. Your brain is misfiring, it's sending false error messages that understandably you're reacting to.

The thoughts (all be they awful) aren't the problem, it's your reaction to them that is doing the harm.

Learning about OCD is the finest tool, knowing what is causing the thoughts (however they manifest) and learning how not to react in fear. It's the reaction that creates the problem and causes the thought to stick.

We often refer to a book called "Brain Lock" by Dr. Jeffery Schwarz. Brain Lock really sums the problem up.

Hopefully you'll learn a lot from the site...there is also a great deal of information on our main site which you can find here http://www.ocduk.org. There are also many very helpful books that will help you to understand what's going on.

Try not to panic.....and although it's easier said than done, try not to buy in to the particular "type" of thought that has manifested. I've been on this site for around 9 years and the extent and range of thoughts that OCD can latch onto is almost infinite.....from the silliest, most insignificant thought (causing massive pain) to horrible, violent thoughts such as the ones you're experiencing right now.

You've already identified your fears with OCD and that's a good start, you've recognised them......and think about seeing your Doctor.

Caramoole :hug:

[Guest Clockwork]

Hi Caramoole

Thank you so much for replying.

I've come to realize from many sites and sources, including this one, that I basically need to "accept" these thoughts? Because they are just thoughts, thoughts that have no real effect on the real world. They do not make up who I am. I understand all of this, but if they hold no relation to my values and morals, why do these horrible images of me doing horrible things to the people I love show up in my mind? I just do not see how I can even let these thoughts pass through my mind, it sickens me. It makes me feel like I am an insane killer or are going to be someday. Just that thought alone scares me to the bone.

Even trying my best to ignore these thoughts, I still get "urges" to do horrid and terrible things. I suppose it's the same thing as the thoughts, but I just feel like I am going to snap and commit these horrid acts. The problem is though, I would never do these things. I would never hurt anybody, especially the people I care about. Just thinking about the possibility that I could do these things terrifies me.

In the past, I have had thoughts like these current ones, though not as intense, I was able to easily dismiss them. Why are these current ones sticking?

I just feel like someday I will do something horrible because of these thoughts and urges, but it's not who I am. I just want to forget about all of it. I don't want to think about violence, death, and gore all the time. I want my life to be normal again.

[dksea]

Hey Clockwork, I'm new here too but not to OCD. You asked the following question

why do these horrible images of me doing horrible things to the people I love show up in my mind

Images and thoughts pop into our heads all the time, even disturbing ones. This is true not just for OCD sufferers but other people as well. That's just how the brain works. Our subconscious mind is automatically processing information all the time, from things we see, hear, read, smell etc. it's just automatic. Say you are walking down the street and you smell fresh baked blueberry muffins. Maybe your grandmother makes blueberry muffins when you visit. Without you deciding to think about it your brain connects the smell of the muffins with your grandmother and you have a thought about her. That's an obvious connection, many connections aren't so obvious. Most of them we probably could never figure out if we tried, the brain is quite complex after all.

So there your brain is, chugging along, analyzing all sorts of input and throwing all sorts of images and ideas at you. If you think about it that could be overwhelming, but our brain also filters that information and we are easily able to dismiss unimportant and unwanted thoughts most of the time. Many of them you probably don't even notice.

Here's where we get to the heart of your question. Why are these upsetting images popping in to your head. The answer is the images have always been there, they are there for everyone. Unfortunately because of OCD our brains don't handle them like they should. Part of the problem for OCD sufferers is that the part of our brain that's supposed to help us filter these thoughts is a bit defective. Unfortunately on top of that we face the additional problem that the part of our brain responsible for allowing us to shift concentration is a bit buggy as well so we basically get stuck in anxiety mode. So the upsetting thought persists in our mind and the anxiety inside us builds.

The book Caramoole recommended, "Brain Lock" is an excellent one and does a much better job of explaining this. I highly recommend it. Another helpful resource is http://www.ocfoundation.org the International OCD Foundation. Although they are a global group the bulk of their efforts are here in the U.S. so it's somewhat of a counter part to OCD-UK in that sense. The information they both provide is great but you might find links to providers and support groups in your area through that site.

[Snowdog]

Hi there! Just to let you know I'm no doctor but I have harm ocd and what you have just written is me I have that with my partner and my lov one! Well everyone actually its a big form of the bully of ocd.. It will get better I promise u have just got to let the thoughts and urges be there jus let them come in don't answer them jus let them be there I know its hard because I'm going tho it to.. They will loose there power over you mine are still there but they just don't bother me anymore has much has they did before your get good days with it and bad days but soon u will see the bad days will get less.. A good thing I done was when I got a thought about my partner I sat with him told him and just hugged him and then it jus looses it power! I can tell u so much about harm ocd I could write a book on it.. Just to let u know if you need to know anything ok! X

[Caramoole]

I just do not see how I can even let these thoughts pass through my mind, it sickens me. It makes me feel like I am an insane killer or are going to be someday. Just that thought alone scares me to the bone.

This is a thought held universally by OCD sufferers "How can I just let these thoughts pass through my mind?" By fighting them, countering them with thoughts that you are a good person, that you would never do such things" seems to be a way to at least reassure ourselves, it's an attempt to neutralise them.

Sadly, it never works. As long as we engage with this internal dialogue, the thoughts and fears will remain.

I totally accept that it is very difficult to do but it's something we have to work at. It won't be easy, at first the thoughts will strike with the same intensity and scare you to death. As sufferers, we have to be ready for them so that when they strike, to recognise them, label them for what they are and refuse to be taken by surprise. At first it will still be difficult, it can almost be like someone delivering a physical blow.....but you have to resist entering into dialogue, debate or neutralise the thought.

At the moment you are (understandably) fighting the thoughts as hard as you can, this is like throwing logs on the fire and adding fuel. The way you are tring so hard to control the thoughts isn't making them stop, it's not taking the anxiety away. If you're already suffering such anxiety, it's worth suffering anxiety whilst defying the thoughts and moving forward to defeat them.

I just feel like I am going to snap and commit these horrid acts

This is why OCD is so powerful, so frightening and whatever the nature/content of someones OCD we all feel we will lose control and carry out these acts.

You won't and never will. These are unwanted, intrusive thoughts and urges but you will not lose control and act on them.

Try and work on being ready for when that thought strikes and label it for what it is. Try your best to involve yourself with some other activity, refuse and resist trying to fight or analyse the thought....for now, even if you don't understand why it's happening, accept that this is an intrusive thought caused by OCD.

I know how difficult it is, seemingly impossible at first....but hang in there and try handling it in a different way.

I wish you the best of Luck, let us know how you progress.

Take Care

Caramoole

[Guest Clockwork]

Hi guys

It's gotten better and worse so far. The better being that I have learned somewhat to "ignore" these thoughts and urges as they come. i don't resist them, but every time they happen, I just think that they are just thoughts caused by OCD and there should be no need to be afraid of them. But on the opposite note, this makes them come more frequently and becoming more "gruesomely" creative. They are using anything I see or read as a way to turn that into a terrible vision of myself committing a horrible act. I've found that the only way I can stay sane by this is by constantly occupying my mind with something, such as talking to friends or work. But the moment my mind is free from mental activity, here they come to wreck havoc.

Yesterday night, I had an anxiety attack right in front of my partner because every time I looked at her I would see myself acting on these thoughts and urges. I scared the life out of her, eventually I calmed down, but only because she was starting to freak out and I had to make sure she was okay, thus occupying my mind away from the thoughts temporarily.

Today, I was able to, for the most part, not think about these thoughts too often. I felt normal again for a while. But as soon as I was alone for the rest of the day, it happens again. Now I am freaking out! What if this all is not a result of OCD and I have just convinced myself I do have it as an excuse for having these thoughts in my head? What if I am really just a killer in the early stages that refuses to accept what I am? These are the things that are scaring me now. I DON'T WANT TO BE A KILLER!!!

I don't want to hurt anybody, but these thoughts make me think I do. It's like someone evil is controlling me. That someday I will just do something terrible.

I am now feeling suicidal because I do not want to hurt anybody. I much rather take my own life than someone else's. I know these thoughts are not real, but they are constantly finding a way to make me feel worse than the previous day. They feel so real, like I am actually "planning" on acting on them. This truly makes me feel like I am just going to become a psychopath unless I stop myself. I don't want to think about these thoughts and urges, but they make me feel like I do. They make me feel like I enjoy thinking about them, but I don't.

I'm going insane, and I'm backing into a corner I don't know how to get out of. Everything I see now, every mild thing will now trigger these thoughts.

I'm scared, I'm so scared.

[Guest Clockwork]

And I now feel like coming here to talk about things is just another way to seek reassurance. That you guys said would just make it worse. But if I didn't come here, to find out what's wrong with me, I would most likely be much worse than I am right now. It's all a huge contradiction.

I just want to know that I am not insane. That I will not become some sort of killer. I want to know that I will not do these thing. I want to forget about this ever happening. It's destroyed so many thing in my life so far, and I do not want it to destroy my relationship. I feel like the only way for me to feel peace is to leave her, but I can't, I love her too much. And since it has been directed towards her, surely it will be directed to someone else once they become close to me. But I don't want to be alone. I don't want anything to change, except that I get rid of this thing that is tearing me apart.

It all started when I watched that horrible video. Something about it triggered this to happen to me. At first I felt like I was just disturbed and traumatized by its contents, but then it evolved into something much more.

I'm having a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do.

[Caramoole]

I'm having a mental breakdown. I don't know what to do.

No you're not :hug:

You have a heightened sense of extreme anxiety that is making you feel that way. I think each and everyone of us on this forum have all felt this way at some stage. It is part of the anxiety, a fear that it will escalate and we will go insane. You won't.

The age old question of reassurance???? Reassurance as a long term method of controlling anxiety is counter-productive but sometimes, especially as we're learning about and coming to terms with OCD is helpful and necessary. Trust me, if and when you are purely "reassurance seeking" to lessen anxiety....I'll be telling you, as will many others....so don't worry too much right now.

If "curing" OCD was as simple as being told what was the matter and the thoughts stopping, it wouldn't be the disabling condition it is. When someone joins a forum like this and bares their soul, it's heartening to read that we're not mad, to find people who can relate to what we say who are not horrified....and for a moment, it all makes sense and we feel relief. But then it strikes back and once again we're afraid. It's not just going to stop...it will continue to taunt and plague us....but we have to keep on re-labelling and putting into practise what we learn.

I first became a potential homicidal maniac, a paedophile, a complete mad woman over 36 years ago. Have I committed a crime, gone mad, disgraced myself.......

Nope :no:

Keep moving steadily forward, be ready.....try not to be shocked when these thoughts strike. Don't worry if the thoughts change tack or seem to increase, it's all par for the course.

You are probably a safer person than many.....you're like a computer who's safety settings are so high that anything flags up an error message.

Hang in there, you're only just starting to face your OCD out and it does fight back.

Caramoole

[Guest dpatrice]

Ahh go read my posts and I can guarantee you'll feel a bit relieved all my intrusive thoughts started when my boyfriend made a remark after watching a movie, jokingly saying that I'd kill him in his sleep with a knife.. Then boom, they all started. I've had and still have the stupid thoughts and urges from time to time but they are no where near as bad as they were a couple months ago. I didn't have slot of money to go see a cbt therapist so I had to be strong and fight this alone. I know it sounds like a broken record but SERIOUSLY the best thing you can do Is NOT ANALYSE OR ARGUE WITH THE THOUGHTS! you are feeding them by doing that and only making the thoughts and urges worse. I've had weird thoughts prior to this every once in a while but NEVER like this.. You know why.? I NEVER gave into them and never thought twice about them which didn't feed them, therefor they died as things need food to survive right? I love my boyfriend, family and pets to death but for whatever reason, this darn ocd attacks the things you love most! The thoughts and urges feel so real, I know.. But you must let them go and they will eventually subside.. That scared me too.. About the thought, that I could actually do such horrific things if I wanted to and if you think about it.. It's not physically hard to do... But guess what, ANY OF US CAN DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS. not trying to give reassurance but I remember when I felt like I didn't even want to live anymore cause I couldn't deal with the thoughts and urges.. But hun, the very fact these houghts/urges bugg you, proves your a great person. People who do such things don't sit there in disgust about their thoughts, they fantasize about them and enjoy them. They don't worry about becoming a "killer".. One of my therapist told me she even has had thoughts/images of killing her dog who she loves to death and yes that's from a licensed therapist. Everyone gets weird thoughts from time to time, but most people don't engage in them therefor they don't stay in their mind nd they forget about them. Try not to think into any of your thoughts, LET THEM GO, it's the healthy thing to do:) I'm here to talk cause I've been in your shoes. Stay strong you will overcome this if you work on it!

[Guest dpatrice]

Ahh go read my posts and I can guarantee you'll feel a bit relieved all my intrusive thoughts started when my boyfriend made a remark after watching a movie, jokingly saying that I'd kill him in his sleep with a knife.. Then boom, they all started. I've had and still have the stupid thoughts and urges from time to time but they are no where near as bad as they were a couple months ago. I didn't have slot of money to go see a cbt therapist so I had to be strong and fight this alone. I know it sounds like a broken record but SERIOUSLY the best thing you can do Is NOT ANALYSE OR ARGUE WITH THE THOUGHTS! you are feeding them by doing that and only making the thoughts and urges worse. I've had weird thoughts prior to this every once in a while but NEVER like this.. You know why.? I NEVER gave into them and never thought twice about them which didn't feed them, therefor they died as things need food to survive right? I love my boyfriend, family and pets to death but for whatever reason, this darn ocd attacks the things you love most! The thoughts and urges feel so real, I know.. But you must let them go and they will eventually subside.. That scared me too.. About the thought, that I could actually do such horrific things if I wanted to and if you think about it.. It's not physically hard to do... But guess what, ANY OF US CAN DO ANY OF THOSE THINGS. not trying to give reassurance but I remember when I felt like I didn't even want to live anymore cause I couldn't deal with the thoughts and urges.. But hun, the very fact these houghts/urges bugg you, proves your a great person. People who do such things don't sit there in disgust about their thoughts, they fantasize about them and enjoy them. They don't worry about becoming a "killer".. One of my therapist told me she even has had thoughts/images of killing her dog who she loves to death and yes that's from a licensed therapist. Everyone gets weird thoughts from time to time, but most people don't engage in them therefor they don't stay in their mind nd they forget about them. Try not to think into any of your thoughts, LET THEM GO, it's the healthy thing to do:) I'm here to talk cause I've been in your shoes. Stay strong you will overcome this if you work on it!

[Guest starsintheireyes]

I totally agree with everything dpatrice says. Don't analyse your thoughts. Let them be there and don't engage with them. The thoughts aren't the problem, the problem is your reaction to them. OCD is a bully. Don't let it push you around x

[Guest Clockwork]

A small update on my progression

After almost a month of dealing with this, I am now starting to handle it better. These last two weeks since I've posted here have been relatively calm for me, so to speak. I have put forth all the advice and strategies given to me into action, and all of you were right. If I did not think bother to care about the thoughts, it makes them a whole lot easier to deal with. Whenever they come into my head, which is still pretty often and constant, I basically just push them aside and classify them more of as an annoyance than a danger. I do not react to them and that causes them to fade away for a small time. But they always come back.

Sometimes I can even forget about the thoughts for a small time and think to myself about how stupid they actually are. This isn't to say that everything is going perfect, like I said, they still come back and they seem to still find a way to bother me when I am alone and have nothing to do. That's my weak point for them. Yet there is this one kind of thought that really bothers me the most. It makes me think to myself, what if I am making this all up? What if this is not OCD, and I am just a sick person, a killer in the making. I know, I should already be past this, but when people say "the difference is killers enjoy the awful thoughts", what if I am enjoying these thoughts, but I refuse to believe it? It's a huge contradiction for me, these thoughts really confuse me and make me question my morality as times.

I just really need to believe that this is all caused by a disorder and that these intrusive thoughts are not part of who I am.

[Guest Clockwork]

It really is unbearable at times, because everything I see is a trigger to these thoughts. Every mildy or gruesomely violent event I witness or overhear instantly opens the door for the thoughts to come it. They make me think things like "What if you did THAT to your partner?", "How would you do it?" "Will you get caught?"
It really is horrible, I thought this whole ordeal would eventually fade into memory, but after almost of month of dealing with this, I just don't know what to do.

I do think I am making progress by not thinking much of these thoughts, but they just always come back, they do not die off if I do not feed them.

I've gotten to the point where I literally squeeze my partner when I hug her unintentionally or crush her hand when I am holding it. I just do not want anything to happen to her. I've told her that I am getting better just so she does not worry anymore, but the progress on the "better" is slow if not halting.

I know I have been lingering with you guys on this problem and I really appreciate you bearing with me. You do not know how much you all have helped me already. Much love guys

[Guest shelby1990]

Oh, Clockwork. You sound so much like myself that it's hard to believe I didn't write your post Believe me when I say that I've been through all of the feelings that you're experiencing. I had harm OCD for the first time when I was 12, but that time it was concerning self-harm. I read a story about someone who committed suicide by slitting their wrists, and I became afraid that I would do the same on an impulse and there would be nothing anyone (including myself) could do about it. When I was 14, I experienced harm OCD again after hearing a story about a teenager who killed his family. I started thinking What if I could snap someday and do the same thing to my family? Why am can't I just brush these thoughts off? Have I always secretly had these thoughts? Is this a repressed desire of mine?" Eventually, with time and carrying on with my daily routine, the OCD went away, and I was able to keep it at bay for seven years. I was even able to look back on those thoughts, laugh, and say with 100% confidence "I'm not that person, and I would never do anything like that." My OCD came back last year after I watched a movie about some crazy doctor who kidnapped and tortured people. I started thinking, once again, "Could I ever do something like that? Would I enjoy bringing harm to people?" I started having violent thoughts about my family again, and it got so bad that I checked into a mental hospital for three weeks. Once again, with time, researching the disorder, and keeping myself busy, I was able to conquer it again.

Though I've been struggling again for the past week with my intrusive thoughts, I'm trying to remain positive. In the past, I just sat back and let the OCD take me over. I stopped going to work, I stopped doing all of the things I enjoyed. Even though it is sometimes difficult to get from one minute to the next, I'm trying my damnedest. I'm taking up extra shifts at work and just trying to stay busy at all times. Strangely, I have moments throughout the day in which I feel just fine. I'm able to tell myself that my thoughts are not a reflection of who I am, if I wanted to act on them I would have already, and if I truly enjoyed these thoughts, I wouldn't be so bothered by them. But of course, that pesky little "What if?" creeps up on me. What if this isn't OCD, and I'm just a killer in the making? What if I get tired of thinking these thoughts and finally decide to act on them? What if the only thing that will take them away for good IS me acting on them? But then, I come back with a rational response...and the process begins again lol.

What is so difficult is that I never know what is going to set off this thought process. Like I said, I experienced it for the first time at 12 because of the story of a suicide (which we hear on the news practically everyday), at 14 because of a murder (also pretty mundane news), at 21 because of a horror film (which I'm no stranger to), and now at 22 due to a suicide story line on a show that I've been watching for 10 years that commonly visits themes like this. OCD is totally unpredictable. It makes me question why my mind is so vulnerable at certain times to things that, at other times, don't even cause me to bat an eye. Definitely weird.

Anyways, I am glad to hear that you are having some relief. Just know that it is common for your symptoms to come and go. When I had harm OCD for the second time, I had it bad for a couple of weeks, had two weeks of no intrusive thoughts and believed I was totally cured, and then it came back again for a month before going away completely for seven years. Other times, I think that I'm slipping into the obsessive thought process, but then I'm able to get over a negative thought rather quickly. You just never know. I would really like to talk to someone who could provide some insight as to why the obsessiveness hits me harder at sometimes than others. Why can I watch horror movie after horror movie for years, but then suddenly watch ONE and become afraid of being a psycho? It doesn't make sense, but if you ever need anyone to talk to, we could try and figure it out together! Best of luck to you :original: :original:

[Guest starsintheireyes]

You questioning if this is OCD is OCD talking to you again. Treat these thoughts like you do the harm ones; let them pass, ignore them. You should try and find an OCD therapist and they'll help you work at tackling your fears and worries x