Ramblings...

[Guest bluecanary]

Most of the time, I feel like I'm two different people. I worry that I must have multiple personalities.

I have a tendency to overreact to things, and if I'm in an especially good or bad mood, I worry that I have bipolar disorder.

If I think I spot movement out of the corner of my eye and turn my head to look, but don't see anything, I worry that I'm hallucinating.

Gosh, I'm so tired of obsessing over whether or not I'm crazy.

I really do feel like two people most of the time. One is logical, and understands that if it weren't for my anxiety, I'd really be such a happy person, because I think I've got a good grip on the important things in life. I tend to spout out these deep, inspirational ideas, but how is it that I can be reduced to a trembling, miserable mess just a matter of hours or days afterward?

I had a pretty high level of anxiety yesterday, and I'm really not sure why. My stomach was feeling off earlier in the afternoon, so I drank some ginger tea and took some antacids, hoping it would help me feel better, because my boyfriend and I were meeting friends out for dinner that night. My stomach felt better, but on the drive to the restaurant, I started getting a vague "unwell" feeling - I felt flushed, my chest tightened, and I started getting that woozy, carsick feeling, even though I rarely get carsick. I kept trying to chalk it up to anxiety, but the only thing I was feeling anxious about was not feeling well, and that just seemed to make things worse. Once we got to the restaurant, I told myself over and over in my head that I was overthinking things yet again and that everything would be fine. I ordered a glass of wine with dinner and sipped it quickly in an effort to calm down (I know, using alcohol as a crutch for anxiety is a very dangerous habit to get into) and forced myself to focus on the conversation. Eventually, I calmed down and enjoyed the evening.

One of my boyfriend's favorite things to tell me is "Don't think about it so much." It's very, very simple in theory, and I think it's the basic piece of advice that all OCD sufferers need to try to follow, but that's the whole problem - OCD is, in a way, an addiction to thinking. Alcoholics cope with their addiction by not drinking alcohol. The same goes for people who have an addiction to drugs, smoking, gambling, etc. They cannot control their addictive behavior, so they have to give it up entirely. But we're in a difficult spot here, because it's impossible to not think. Even telling yourself not to think is thinking! It just seems to me like I'm always fighting a losing battle.

I think right now my biggest fear is that I'm "crazy," whatever that means. If I had to define it, I'd say that "crazy" means losing control of my own behavior. That thought terrifies me more than anything else. Crazy people hear voices and see things that aren't there. Crazy people drown their children in bathtubs. Crazy people spend their lives in institutions. And crazy people don't think clearly. I think I use my anxiety as a way of controlling my thoughts and emotions (or attempting to, anyway). If I'm worried that my mood is too high/low for any given circumstance, I'm aware of it and therefore cannot be "crazy." If I worry about any specific thing happening, I'll take whatever steps I can to prevent it; therefore I'm in control of the situation. Anyone reading this might thing that I seem to have a good understanding of my thought patterns. But that does nothing to stop them.

That's where the "other half" of my personality steps in. I can't even tell where the fear comes from most of the time, but it's suddenly there, and all that good logic just goes out the window. It builds momentum like a runaway train and there's nothing I can do to stop it. The world and everything around me suddenly becomes horrifying, even though logically, I know there's nothing to be afraid of. And for the life of me, I can't understand how a person who seems to have a pretty good grasp of logic can spiral so quickly out of control in their own head.

I was in a lousy mood the other night, and the whole time I was trying to be rational and tell myself that I shouldn't be so upset, but that did little to stop me from being upset. I just continued to mope and pout and figured it'd run its course eventually. The next morning I woke up feeling more positive, and immediately started chastising myself for being so upset, wondering why I'd overreacted. Then, of course, I started to worry again, because it seemed to me that I wasn't even in full control of my own emotions. I want so much to stop being so hard on myself, but I just can't seem to make it happen.

Sorry for the rambling. I'm sure that much of this seems disjointed and disorganized - I'm just following a jumbled train of thought. Has anyone else ever felt these things? It'd be nice to know I'm not alone.