Maybe suicidal

[Northern Star]

I don't know that I want to keep on doing this. I have delayed writing this post, wanting to be certain of how I feel before committing it to paper. I'm still not 100% certain now, but it keeps on gnawing away at me.

I am not happy; I want to be happy. My OCD is so out of control. I don't know that I want to wake up any more. I don't know if I want to keep on struggling and fighting every day, barely making it through work, with skin that's so dried-out and battered by stringent chemicals that it hurts, with thoughts that hit me hard, that strike right to my core. I don't have any self-esteem left. I despise myself utterly. It's not all OCD, it's me. I don't want to keep on doing this. I don't want to keep on hurting. I don't even want to wake up tomorrow.

I haven't done anything to harm myself, I don't want people thinking that I have, nor am I going to tonight. My heart has been racing so I was just going to take one Diazepam to try to relax enough to sleep but now that it's settled down I will try not to.

Everything has taken a toll on me and I despise myself completely. I don't think I want to keep on going. I'm so sorry if this post is distressing, that is not at all my intention, please believe me. I have put off writing this post, hoping that it's not so bad, but tonight it just is. I have lost almost everything, now I might lose what's left to OCD and to the fact that I am scum. I am so tired of fighting it. I do have better times but they are getting fewer and further between. I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

Edited March 17, 2013 by Northern Star

[lovid]

whatever you do, please don't give up trying to get over this.You say it's not all ocd ,it's me.But how can it be you.People who don't have it don't despise themselves with out good reason.I think that you should ask for some help from your GP as soon as possible.Take care

[Guest Annabel]

OCD is a nightmare and you've had years of it and of depression but the only way to wake up from it is to get better. I still think this is possible. Remember your husband, parents and friends would be distraught and feel your loss for the rest of their lives if anything happened to you.

Have you spoken to the crisis team at the CMHT? the hating yourself might not be OCD it stinks of depression! Have u seen your psychiatrist about meds recently?

I'm sorry I don't know what to say to make things better but I really don't want anything to happen.

xxx

[Cub]

Hello Star

I can empathise with a lot of that - I understand completely. I too have been on a bit of a self-hatred kick today and wondering if it's more than OCD and convinced that I'm to blame. I think we all go through moments where we feel we can't hang on and we just wonder about letting the OCD take over. I've had that too. You really aren't alone in these feelings.

I really hope you can find some rest tonight.

C xxx

[Guest Annabel]

Hello,

how are you feeling today? xx

[Goldie80]

Just read this and want you to know you aren't alone. Thinking of you. Please go to the gp tomorrow. Xxx

[Northern Star]

Thank you all so much for your kind messages.

Things aren't really that much better today. I haven't spoken with the CMHT crisis team, but I am due to see my CPN tomorrow afternoon. I am supposed to be working tomorrow also. I don't know how much I will get done at work; I don't know what my CPN will say either. If I'm honest I don't have much faith that I will feel any better after seeing him. Most times when I see him I feel better afterwards but I don't think that this time. I am reading "Overcoming Low Self-Esteem" but at the moment I feel self-hatred. I don't know if I am depressed but I suppose I am showing some symptoms of it. I am about a month into the latest medication change, supposed to be going back to the GP in a couple of weeks to make the next change.

[Seraphim]

You know before Christmas I went to my GP in total mental meltdown. I hated my life, I hated my disorder, I hated University and my job prospects - I didn't want to go to lectures, I laid in bed from 4 am till 3pm the next day and when I got up it was to wallow in my own sadness. I almost quit University.

Two months later I am sat in my University room having completed all of my assessments this year so far with flying colours. I have 2 self-help books, have recently become a Peer Mentor for next years' students in my position after a fantastic interview, and am on the waiting list for CBT therapy. My relationship with my boyfriend of 5 years has endured all this pain and suffering and crisis and best of all I'm STILL ALIVE! <333

Look how quickly my life turned around.
Yours can do the same. Keep faith that one day you will find the courage and inspiration within your beautiful, beautiful self to do this. People LOVE you. The fact that you are an OCD sufferer and still here right now is a complete and utter INSPIRATION to everyone else who suffers too! Don't remove yourself from a world where people look up to you as a figure of strength and empowerment against a debilitating disorder.

[Caramoole]

Any news on the treatment application Jo?

Getting good treatment really can help. I'm not sure what type of support you get from your CPN but am concerned that it's probably not the most effective or of the type you need.

I think there is a lot of depression involved, depression largely caused by a life affected by OCD....it can make things seem so hopeless it's not surprising depression goes hand in glove.

In order to start beating OCD all of us have to change the way we respond to it....i.e carrying out the compulsions and rituals and it can be done....I know it seems impossible sometimes :hug:

I just hope that you can get the proper and effective treatment you need.

You take care

Caramoole

[Northern Star]

Hello both,

Thank you for your messages :hug:

Fizzeh - I'm glad that things are looking so much better for you

Caramoole - I heard today that the person my NHS Trust had wanted me to see has agreed with me, my CPN and Ashley that he wouldn't be specialised enough and therefore that he thinks there would be no point in seeing me as he has nothing to offer that hasn't already been tried. That leaves just one more hurdle (IAPT) to get over before the Trust surely has to fund the referral. So things are moving, hopefully not too much longer.

I have been fairly battered by OCD today, both cleaning and pure-o. My CPN and I are starting some work on my self-esteem as it is desperately low and links in very strongly with my OCD (ie I think that the thoughts make me evil, that if I were a "better" person I wouldn't get these thoughts, that if I were just a "more careful" person then I wouldn't get contaminated and therefore wouldn't need to clean and wash so much, etc). It's not just OCD that makes me feel so lousy about myself but it is certainly a big part of it. I think there might be an element of depression too. I have been doing so much better from depression after a lot of hard work on it, but I think you (Caramoole and Annabel) are right that OCD can bring depression, plus I am generally vulnerable to it anyway. Again it likely links in with the low self-esteem in some ways too.

I did feel a bit better earlier; indeed even now I am not as low as I was. Still not a particularly happy bunny but better than over the weekend. I did beg for reassurance from hubby earlier though, I had to, I couldn't get it out of my head. Is there a way of not believing the thoughts? If I could believe 100% that it's OCD then I think I would be OK with it, but I don't always and I know that I treat myself too harshly, that I beat myself up for things that either I haven't done or that don't particularly matter (low self-esteem again) but I would rather take the blame for something I haven't done, than "get away with" doing something wrong...Even writing this I am trying to get everything 100% accurate so that I don't mislead anyone into thinking I am a "nicer" person than I am. And then writing that I think "maybe you're just saying that so they'll think you're a good person" and so it continues.

Somebody needs to invent a way of switching off brains for a time to give us some rest :huh:

[Northern Star]

Probably one of the worst days of my life today. Have taken a Diazepam so that hopefully I will get to sleep soon. No idea if I will work tomorrow, only did half a day today. OCD and self-hatred and the crappiness of myself all combined today. I have cried a lot, I am petrified I am going to lose that which matters most to me. I hate myself, I just want to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.

[Guest Annabel]

:hug: I'm really sorry Jo. What happened today? was the contamination OCD or Pure-O worse? Have you spoken through your intrusive thoughts with your CPN?

Is there anything we can do to help?

xxx

[Goldie80]

You are hitting a crisis with the OCD head on NS. Please try and be gentle on yourself, you will get the help you deserve and need and you will get better. Be kind to yourself, if you feel unwell do not go to work tomorrow. Call your CPN. You are in a crisis... Please understand it will pass. I promise. I have felt exactly what you are feeling, so many of us on here have. Rest, be gentle. Is there someone you trust and love who can be with you tomorrow?

[Northern Star]

This is so hard to write but I think it has to be done.

I have been on sick leave since Wednesday lunchtime until at least Monday, although my boss has suggested that it might be better for me to stay off until after Easter but I will see how things go.

The reason I am in crisis is that I am petrified my marriage is going to crumble. Anyone who knows me will tell you that my marriage is the most important thing in my life. Without my husband I would not want to carry on living, in fact I wouldn't carry on living. OCD has pushed us both to the brink. It's not just OCD, there is also my self-hatred that wears him down and some stuff that is just "me", that I utterly despise about myself, that I am working so hard to change but I have made some big ****-ups in the past that I despise myself for and even though I am so changed from then I cannot seem to forgive myself for. We were so happy together, happier than I ever believed possible, my OCD was under control as he and I did so much hard work on it. He has told me that he doesn't know if our marriage will survive. He has put up with so much from me, from my OCD, from my depression, etc. He is worn out from it, we are both desperately unhappy. I hate what has happened to us, and I blame myself for it. I am so so so frightened that I am going to lose him. He is just waiting for this treatment I'm hoping to get, which I was told not to put too much pressure on myself over as that might jeopardise its chances for success, but now I know that unless I make serious and long-term progress from it then I will lose the only thing in my life that truly matters to me. There is the Springfield if this fails but I don't think he and/or I could keep the faith until then. I don't blame him for not being able to take any more, he is the best person in the world, and like I say he has put up with so much from me over the years. I have tears rolling down my face at the mo, I've cried so much over the last few days.

I just want to undo the ****-ups I have made, to go back to when we were so happy and OCD was under control. This might push me over the edge as I hate what this has done to him and to us. I can't help thinking that if I were a better person then I would be in control of my OCD and I wouldn't have messed up in the past and therefore I wouldn't be staring into this mess now.

I just despise myself and I despise OCD. I don't know when I might get this treatment. Everyone, Ashley included, is pushing as hard as they can for it. It was always going to be so difficult to get better but now I feel like for the sake of my marriage this is my last chance. Yes, that gives added determination but also a phenomenal amount of pressure on myself. Please don't think badly of him. I have put him through hell and he deserves better. I want us to survive, if I lose him then quite simply I will give up on life. He is not about to walk out any minute but there is so much hurt here, so much damage done, and I keep beating myself up for destroying the best thing that ever happened to me. He is trying to hang on for this treatment, like I say I don't know when that will be, hopefully not too much longer but in the meantime I fear I will break under the strain of this. I can't bear how much we are both hurting and I am frightened that I am not going to be able to take it any more.

PS Can't remember if I took my med this morning but assumed it was better to risk skipping a dose than risk taking a double dose. Might take a diazepam to relax me a bit. I just want to wake up from this nightmare

[machiato]

I am heartbroken for you. Please try and stem the pressure of everything. Tell yourself that everything takes time and effort. There are no magic or quick fixes here. Huge hug coming your way :hug:

[Goldie80]

Northern star - I am so so sorry to read this. I am thinking of you. You are not alone. Are the NHS aware of how low and anxious you are?

[Northern Star]

Thank you both for your messages.

Things feel to be getting on top of me at the moment. I did go to work today but had two pretty big contamination OCD attacks. Sometimes I feel like a child, unable even to do something simple like go to the loo or take a bath "normally". I'm not convinced I made the right decision in going back to work today, I feel like I am drowning at times.

Hubby and I are both making an effort to make things better; OCD though and potentially depression are threatening to overwhelm me. There are a few times that are a little brighter but overall I am exhausted of worrying and cleaning. I just want to sleep.

I haven't told anyone in the NHS how bad things are at the moment; my CPN knows that things aren't great but he is off sick at the moment and not sure how long for. I just want to sleep and hope that things improve. I'm not sure how long I can keep on doing this for.

PS Sorry for being depressing and sorry also for barely replying to anyone's posts at the moment.

Edited March 25, 2013 by Northern Star

[Guest starsintheireyes]

I'm sending you lots of love and hugs from where I am Northern Star. Depression and OCD make everything seem grey, but with perserverance it does get better. You should talk to someone about how you are feeling depression wise, including your husband. You are not alone. There are people out there that love you.

[machiato]

Hey Northern Star, please dont apologise for saying how you feel! We are here to listen. With depression and OCD I feel that extra sleep is a requirement at times due to the exhaustion, but please try and keep as active as possible outside of that required extra sleep. Stay close to people you can speak to, that can keep your spirits going. Its important at times like these. :hug:

[Northern Star]

Thank you for your messages.

I am now on semi sick leave from work this week, ie I am working half days rather than full-time. I am not so unwell that I need to be off work completely but I can't make it through full days away from my house, the only place I can fully do everything my OCD demands.

I did hear, however, this morning that funding has been agreed for an assessment at CSPTARP! The referral was going in today, hopefully it won't take long. Once the assessment has happened then they will discuss whether they will fund the treatment. But it's a big hurdle jumped. I am so lucky that my work is so understanding. This morning I was originally going to ask whether I could go off on sick leave completely; however I managed to get myself to thinking that half days would be a good compromise; I just feel at the moment that my OCD is so severe that I am on the edge of an almighty attack whereby I either feel contaminated and can't clean enough, or I become convinced by my pure-o and it tips me over the edge into being completely signed off work, or worse. I have been fighting it for so long, I am exhausted. My hands have started to bleed from over-washing, every day can turn into a hellish struggle so I will use this time off to try to sleep, maybe exercise, try to give myself a bit of a break from the worrying and washing (it probably won't work out to be a break but at least at home during the days it's just me and the cats to get contaminated).

[Guest nervous]

Hi Northern star, sorry to hear about where you are at right now. I have been going through a horrible time as well where my life is a horrific nightmare when all my fears come true. I washed my hands till they were so dry I could barely move them and they were covered in splits that would start bleeding at any time thoughout the day. I felt such isolation from everyone because nobody understands me an although my wife sticks by me the strain is really taking its toll. However a few days ago it took a turn for the better after a particulary bad few days and things are looking better and now it looks like the clouds are parting and I can see again. The thing that tips the scales in your favour can be small but be enough for you to start fighting this again. I am not better by any means but I have begun to except living in a imperfect world (non-santized world) and I think it may not be as bad as I was thinking it was. Through a long Winter it can seem like Summer will never come but it always does and although it is hard to see we have to see our thoughts are just thoughts that come and go and our emotions are just emotions that cannot always be trusted.

I hope you have a better day today.

[Northern Star]

I am crying again. I don't want to keep on like this. If treatment fails then I lose my marriage, end of. Part of me wants the treatment to start tomorrow so I can try to get better; the other part of me doesn't want it to start at all because if it fails then I lose the person I love most in the whole world and I couldn't bear that.

I can't even take a Diazepam because I have to be up at half 7 for the half-day of work that I will try to do. I am on the brink of having destroyed the thing I always wanted. I am in crisis. I have made him depressed from all this. I am also hurtling back into depression.

I will try to speak to my CPN tomorrow if he is in. I want to wake up from this nightmare, I don't want to think any more and I don't want to feel this bad any more.

[Cub]

Oh, Star *hugs* I'm so sorry. Please don't lose hope. I know what it's like to feel as if you're 'destroying' something but all you can do is just try your hardest, at the end of the day. Don't blame yourself. I imagine there's a lot of noise and anxiety in your head right now, but please don't give up. Let us know how it goes tomorrow.

C x

[Guest Annabel]

Hi Jo,

I'm really sorry. I wish you could have exactly the right treatment ASAP. OCD is a physical illness of the brain and not your fault at all. Your husband is helping you to manage an illness but you're trying your best to get better.

Could you set some ERP targets for this week? It might feel like making tiny steps to begin with but once you've got more control of the contamination fears it might feed into the R-pureO and your husband will notice that you're getting better Start really small but contruct a tick sheet so you can tick off each task, each day for this week.

I hope work goes okay tomorrow

Xx

[Caramoole]

Hi Jo

I'm so sorry you and Jim are struggling as you are right now.

Both of you try and hang on to the reason you got married. Because you liked each other, you love each other and you wanted to spend your lives together. Those reasons remain and no big decisions need to be made right now......perhaps adjustments....but both of you, hang onto your original feelings. I've been married 37 years...good, bad, indifferent, troublesome.......most problems (OCD included) can mostly be overome. Hang in there and try and defer from permanent decisions.

I'm so pleased to hear that things are moving favourably towards your treatment, hang onto that.

I've had one of those weeks where OCD has been inflicting its power, although it seems impossible sometimes, we are always stronger than it, no matter how powerful it seems....but we have to resist, resist, resist buying into those obsessions...no matter how powerful they seem.

Pick one Jo...the least scary if necessary, and defy it......you actually can or can at least do your best to.

Doing OCD compulsions will never stop the anxiety....resisting them will increase the anxiety but gradually this will recede. Doing the compulsions may decrease the anxiety for moments....but only for moments.

Come on Jo.....pick the least debiltating OCD compulsion you have and smash its head in.

These thoughts, doubts, fears and compulsions are vile, convincing and terrifying.....they are false, they pose no real threat and are beatable...albeit with megga wobbles.

As for you and Joe....Try and resist making permanent decisions...things change.

Take care both

Caramoole :hug: