Caramoole Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Caramoole, you are spot on that sometimes it is so damned unfair It is.....it's bloody unfair. It's awful, it's evil and it is unfair.....but despite that, when we're in the grip of one of those phases we just have to try and hang on and get through that moment. Deal with it minute by minute where necessary. Each minute is a minute back towards gaining control. Honestly Jo......I do understand how compelling and severe these thoughts/beliefs are. Been there, done that and got a wardrobe full of t-shirts (and then some). I also know (despite the doubt, doubt and yet more doubt....fear, anxiety and hopelessness)...no matter how compelling, these are false doubts. No matter how compelling, we have to keep acknowledging their source and moving forward. Dealing with them moment by moment and still edging forward. It's a method that's worked for me albeit it doesn't seem that obvious at the time you're going through it. Psychologists will say it's not the thought that's the problem, rather our reaction to the thought that's the problem. This is true, completely.....that said, it's easy to know the theory whilst not experiencing the problem. That said, the fact remains true. It's our response to the thoughts that cause the problem and we have to continue to work on our response.....even when the doubt seems impossible to bear.....we can, you can :hug: Don't you just wish that you could make our others/our family/our advisors/the specialists experience the level of anxiety we feel? I know I do, just for 10 minutes. The theory is one thing, reality is something else :crybaby: That said, the way forward is still the same. Doing our level best not to buy into the false thoughts, resisting the compulsions and to keep doing that., no matter how often the doubts strike. Maybe I'm just useless.....I read the positive stories of people who are "cured". I confess I'm not among them..... Despite that, i'm okay. I just have to keep applying and re-applyng what I've learned, tread water and know that I will move past this...and I do. Sometimes, in the moment, we have to lose sight of perfection (just for now) and settle for coping in that moment. Just doing that can help us move forward from chronic and devastating anxiety and fear. The reduction (no matter how slight) can give us the foothold we need. You're doing your best and best will out in the end. Hang in there Girl......it's a tough ride but you'll come out the other side. Thinking of you Caramoole :hug: Link to comment
lovid Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Hi NS it's difficult to know what is best for you,either going back full time or on the sick completely.Would you have been able to go back on light duties and part time maybe.Perhaps your doc and boss could help you decide.Definitely agree you're no whinge, though you would have every right. Link to comment
Northern Star Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 Thanks guys Well, I've told my boss that I am going to try to go back tomorrow :huh:. No idea if I am doing the right thing or not, OCD is screaming at me: "Noooooooo! Don't do it!" (which probably means that I should). I guess I can try, and if I can't handle it then I can't handle it. I am so bloody indecisive at the moment. I always used to be indecisive but now I can't make up my mind Did an hour and a half's jogging on the Wii, can't even decide whether I can handle the Great Manc Run next weekend, not the run that's worrying me but the OCD side of things. Feeling inexplicably anxious this evening, have eaten and need to start thinking about getting some sleep, so I've taken my Mirtazapine already as that normally makes me sleepy. Grrrrrr, don't like feeling this way. Don't like taking things a little at a time - want to be able to dive right in and get things sorted! But OCD and all the **** I'm going through doesn't work like that (which I think is a less eloquent way of putting what Caramoole said). I again haven't done TLC today. I will have to tomorrow at work, although I often try to drink little so I don't have to use the loo much. I don't know, I just don't know. What to do? Why hasn't the nightmare of everything that is wrong finished yet? I am seeing my CPN tomorrow afternoon, am in a better state than I was the last time we met, but just feel depressed and anxious tonight. Link to comment
Goldie80 Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 In general I can see a gradual improvement in your posts - you seem a tiny bit brighter at times. It is baby steps but I have complete faith in you. You are a fighter x Link to comment
Northern Star Posted May 19, 2013 Author Share Posted May 19, 2013 Thanks Goldie. Just chuffing fed-up tonight. Had enough of being awake for today, off to try to sleep. Link to comment
Cub Posted May 19, 2013 Share Posted May 19, 2013 Hugs to you, Star. It's okay to have bad days. :hug: Link to comment
lovid Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Hi NS 'how did it go with cpn today :original: Link to comment
Northern Star Posted May 20, 2013 Author Share Posted May 20, 2013 (edited) Hi Cub and lovid, thank you. I am up and down like a yo-yo. Last night after I logged out of here I went and cried in the bathroom for a little while, then managed to sleep. This morning it took so much willpower not to phone in sick. I made it through a morning of work which went better than expected, also used the loo at work in 12 minutes (which is a short time for me, sometimes it's the best part of an hour; 12 minutes is stupidly long for a wee but for me it's quick, because I have to clean the loo at least partially before and after using it, plus I can't wash just my hands). This afternoon I had my CPN appt so decided to take an afternoon's flexi-leave. My CPN was fantastic, as usual. I don't like saying this but he is pretty much the only person I can rely on at the moment. I adore my husband and family but my husband has his own issues at the moment so I don't want to burden him, but my CPN is calm, never "freaks out" at anything I say, is consistent, reassuring (not in an OCD way, usually!), genuine, etc etc. I am so grateful to everyone on here and to friends who take their time talking with me online / via text etc but it's not quite the same as having someone sitting there next to you talking with you. He knows most of the worst things about me and has never judged me. I know it's his job not to, but I'm not sure I have ever experienced this from a MH professional before. He is teaching me how to be my own therapist essentially, but for the time being and for the foreseeable future I need his support and guidance, as my head is so fragile and liable to collapse. He is trying to get me to practise mindfulness rather than beating myself up over stuff from the past, which I do quite regularly, or to predict the future (negatively). I struggle to forgive myself, to let the past stay in the past where it belongs. I simply don't like myself, so whilst I would be forgiving towards my child if he/she felt like I do, I can't be that towards myself . I am getting better at it though but he still has to push me in the right direction as otherwise I go way off down the wrong path - down the path of self-blame, self-hatred etc. Tomorrow he is going to chase up the application for funding for treatment as on Wednesday it will be five weeks since I had the assessment and he knows how much I need this treatment. He has also been at pains to try to convince me not to put too much pressure on myself regarding this treatment - if I see it being successful as the only way to make things better then he believes (and I think he's right) that I will put too much pressure on myself. I have to keep on living day by day, even a few hours at a time. I am trying to do everything right in the hope that things will be OK. I don't know whether they will be, but at least I am back at work for now. First half-day back was OK, despite the last thing I wanted to do this morning being getting out of bed and facing work. Things could certainly be a lot worse, but they could also be miles better. PS all challenges completed today, TLC at work, 40 mins jogging on Wii fit, etc Edited May 20, 2013 by Northern Star Link to comment
Goldie80 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Fantastic NS. I am seeing progress here and what a great CPN xx Link to comment
Guest Alex2012 Posted May 20, 2013 Share Posted May 20, 2013 Oh NS hang in there. It's time for you to start to rewire your brain. It can be done! Never fear my love God is with us all. Link to comment
Andrea Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 (edited) Hi darling, I am glad your morning of work went better than expected (you completely deserve it Jo! you really deserve that the OCD start to be a little more (or a lot more) easygoing, I mean you fight really hard against this illness called OCD) And also congrats for your great CPN appointment Many hugs :hug: from here, Andy x Edited May 21, 2013 by Andrea Link to comment
lovid Posted May 21, 2013 Share Posted May 21, 2013 Hi NS very good news that you have such a good cpn.It makes all the difference.I know that feeling too of waking up and the last thing you want to do is face the day.But you've done really well to drag yourself back to work.I hope your colleagues were suitably impressed.Have you been at work today? Link to comment
Guest SophieM Posted May 22, 2013 Share Posted May 22, 2013 Hi NS, Thank you for your updates. I am so glad that you have such a great CPN! Good to hear that your morning at work went better than expected. How is your week going? How are you feeling? Many best wishes, S. xx Link to comment
Northern Star Posted May 23, 2013 Author Share Posted May 23, 2013 Thanks guys Mood-wise I am doing better, combination of therapy, new (old) meds, and talking with people. I am eating and sleeping better too. This weekend I am hoping to spend at a friend's and to run the Great Manchester Run to raise awareness of OCD. Staying away from home is something I haven't done in months because of my OCD but I'm hoping that it goes OK, it feels a little less scary than it did say a month ago. I have worked every day this week, should be working tomorrow all being well. Quite a lot of compulsions at work but they mean I can work at all. The friend I am staying with knows about my OCD and that I am liable to wash quite a lot ( :blushing: ) so hopefully that will be OK. I keep putting into practice what I have been advised by my CPN and trying to keep that at the forefront of my mind. I am starting to learn slowly that I can't and shouldn't take responsibility for how other people are feeling, something which I have a very strong tendency to do when it's my husband in question. My big news of today is that my CPN has to apply for funding for the actual treatment by June 3rd and the panel has a meeting on June 10th at which they will discuss my case. My CPN is attending, which I am pleased about as he knows me well and should be able to present my case well, better than if they're just reading it. I will be a bundle of nerves by that point, even today I was nervous, but it gives me a date to aim for, something to focus on when things feel rubbish. I am going along with my OCD at the mo, even though I know that technically I shouldn't, as by doing that it means that I manage to function, at least on some level. On the one hand I feel I should be working and that it is good for me (which is why I am); on the other hand it would be easier to be off and sleep as much as my body / mind want until I receive the decision. Link to comment
lovid Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Hi NS.Speaking from experience I don't think you would be able to relax all that much either if you were off so I think you're probably doing the right thing.Shame it is taking so long though :original: Link to comment
Northern Star Posted May 24, 2013 Author Share Posted May 24, 2013 Thanks lovid Well, I survived a week of work!! This weekend I am going up north, to see a couple of friends and then to raise awareness of OCD by doing the Great Manchester Run on Sunday for OCD-UK. The run itself (10k) doesn't particularly worry me (although maybe it should!) but it's the OCD that will go with it and with my first two nights (or any night, in fact) away from my "safe zone" of home since January. But I am also looking forward to seeing friends and to trying to do something against my ****** OCD and depression. It's worth a try, in any case Link to comment
Lost_in_a_Dark_Maze Posted May 24, 2013 Share Posted May 24, 2013 Northern Star, I think you are nothing short of amazing for the way you are coping and the things you are achieving despite everything. Wishing you all the best for the weekend and the Great Manchester Run. You really are a star! :cheer: x Link to comment
lovid Posted May 27, 2013 Share Posted May 27, 2013 Hi NS how did you do in the run and how did you cope with being away from home.I'm very impressed :original: Link to comment
Northern Star Posted May 30, 2013 Author Share Posted May 30, 2013 :blushing: Thank you I did the Great Manchester....Stagger. It was so difficult, sweltering heat combined with OCD made for a big struggle. I did get to the finishing line although nothing like I had hoped for. The atmosphere was amazing though . I spent two nights away from home, saw some lovely friends, who accepted that I have OCD and weren't annoyed at me for it. I have been working again this week, also tomorrow, off Saturday, then working seven days straight from Sun onwards, which I'm not looking forward to but will try to think of the overtime . I am struggling with OCD etc, still trying simply to get through each day as best I can when it comes to OCD. Certainly I have better times, also pretty bad times too. The suicidal thoughts have lessened, the OCD hasn't really. A week on Monday until the funding meeting, trying to focus on that. Earlier on this evening I was upset. I was holding a glass of martini (a bit of an old lady drink but I love sweet martini!) and I squeezed the glass as hard as I could, sort of hoping that it would shatter and harm me. It didn't, I guess modern glasses at least are constructed better than that. I wasn't actively looking to self-harm but I'm not sure I would have been upset at the time if it had happened. I know I shouldn't drink alcohol when ill and on meds but it provides some peace from the daily struggle. I rarely get drunk, just try to relax, to take the edge off. But when I do drink I think I think about self-harm etc more. But I care less. I dunno, a bit of a messed-up situation. The change of meds has definitely helped against the depression, it hasn't done anything positive in the fight against OCD though. I'm still on a low dose of Paroxetine though, supposed to be going back to the GP to discuss / update; I suspect they will suggest upping the Paroxetine dose and sticking with the Mirtazapine as it is. Link to comment
Guest Elle Belle Posted May 30, 2013 Share Posted May 30, 2013 Keep fighting the good fight Jo. We're behind you - and well done on the run xx Link to comment
Guest Nik Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 I did the Great Manchester....Stagger. It was so difficult, sweltering heat combined with OCD made for a big struggle. I did get to the finishing line although nothing like I had hoped for. The atmosphere was amazing though . Congrats! That's an amazing achievement You should be very proud of yourself and hopefully you can use that mental strength in the fight against OCD too. Good to hear that the depression has lifted, keep on fighting, sounds as if things are on the up Link to comment
lovid Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 Yea well done with the run.Sometimes I have to work 7 days straight also.I feel like I just can't be bothered.Did they ask you to do it Link to comment
Guest itsnotmeitsmyocd Posted May 31, 2013 Share Posted May 31, 2013 :clap: WOW, well done NS for doing the run and for spending the two nights away from home. That is a massive achievement, well two massive achievements actually. Your such an inspiration xx Link to comment
Northern Star Posted June 1, 2013 Author Share Posted June 1, 2013 :blushing: thank you I'm working tomorrow because we have contractors on site and, if I get this treatment then I will have to pay accommodation and travel costs etc so the overtime payments will go towards that. I'm probably taking Wed as leave as I get so tired from the OCD and from the Mirtazapine that a day off in the middle of working should hopefully help. Best try to get some sleep, early start tomorrow (which will thrill the cats - early breakfast!! ). Link to comment
Guest SophieM Posted June 2, 2013 Share Posted June 2, 2013 Hi NS, I am a bit late but I wanted to echo what the others said - what a fantastic achievement that you did your run and your weekend away!!! I think you did brilliantly!! Hope your work today went ok. Just wanted to send you lots of best wishes S. xx Link to comment
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