Maybe suicidal

[lovid]

Hi Northern Star .Try not to worry too much about the funding.I can't believe they would reject your claim given the diagnosis.If they do I'm writing to my MP! but I know it won't come to that.It's just ridiculous that it's not done automatically and immediately.In the mean time you've always got us. I was reading on a web site about depression a few months ago.A uni in Australia had been doing some research and they came to the conclusion that going for long periods without eating can make depression worse.I'm a bit skeptical about these studies but as you are diagnosed as severely depressed as well, maybe just be kind to your body and try to eat regular meals.I wasn't eating much this time last year either for similar reasons.Hold on it won't be much longer.Take care :original:

[Northern Star]

Thank you both.

I have been trying to lose weight so most of it is down to that but very recently I have developed a new ritual - that of either not eating breakfast and lunch on workdays, or of eating very little. I normally eat well in the evenings but tonight nearly threw up which I think might be from the change in meds dose too. The Prof did comment that with not eating much or at all during the day, my glucose levels must drop through the floor at times and that it wouldn't be helping how I feel.

Lovid, thank you for saying that you would write to your MP!! My own MP has offered to write to them if I don't get a positive outcome, as I went to see him to ask for help in getting my excessive OCD-induced water and energy bills capped (alas, no luck there) but I happened to mention that I was trying to get funding for specialist treatment and in his most recent letter to me (last week) he has said to let him know if I am unsuccessful and I think that a letter from him might help.

I will try to speak with my CPN tomorrow and ask him to book in an appointment with the funding panel, if an appointment is needed. I know sometimes it can take a little time to get in there so if he starts trying now then hopefully by the time the report comes through I will have a date to aim for!

Sophie, your advice about taking one day at a time is a very good one. After talking to hubby I feel a bit better and going to try to sleep soon. I could do with a few days off work just to try to rest but I will go in tomorrow and see how things go. I have asked for a new "reasonable adjustment" to be made by them so maybe there will be some news on that.

Edited April 17, 2013 by Northern Star

[Guest Annabel]

:hug: That's such good news that the assessment went well and that he really seemed to understand you and all the problems that OCD and depression have thrown into your life.

I really hope you get funding soon and that there are lots of helpful people to help you with the process.

I know you've been physically unwell with that stomach upset recently so perhaps that might be contributing to your not feeling like eating today but if you can manage to eat something small then it might help you to feel more relaxed and less down. Try to take some protein and carbs whenever you can manage them as your brain will not function as well without them but well done on the part of weight loss that was deliberate! (I've done the opposite and put on 10lbs in 8 weeks!).

Did prof give you any idea of when the report will be finished by? Are you applying for out-patient or in-patient treatment? xx

Edited April 17, 2013 by Annabel

[Guest SophieM]

Hi NS

I just wanted to wish you all the best for your day and for your time at work.

I hope there is some positive news about the "reasonable adjustment" they may be able to make.

Lots of best wishes,

S. xx

[Guest sarah1984]

Hello NS,

I was thinking of you yesterday and I wondered how your assessment had gone. It sounds like good news to me. Am I right in thinking it was Paul Salkovskis who assessed you? I was really impressed with him at the OCD UK Annual Conference - he seems really passionate about helping OCD sufferers - it's clearly not "just a job" for him. I remember you asking him whether your previous therapist was correct when she said that you couldn't expect to be cured and would have to learn to live with your OCD. He was adamant that you could be treated and had a good chance of recovery. I'm sure he'll write a very persuasive report and I really hope the funding committee sits up and listens. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Take Care,

Sarah x

[Northern Star]

Thank you all again :hug:

Yes it was Prof Salkovskis who assessed me - still can't believe my luck in having been able to meet with him. I cannot believe the empathy and understanding that the guy has. The report should arrive with me at the start/middle of next week, then it has to go for funding decision. They have to agree it, they just have to, they have to, they have to. I have managed to eat a big bowl of pasta etc this evening but not really during the day again. I am up and down, exhausted from fighting this, trying to hold onto hope but overall I would just like to sleep for at least the next few weeks. I have no idea how I will get through them. This morning I woke a bit earlier than usual and couldn't get back to sleep so went to work early. I have to speak with my boss tomorrow - something doesn't feel quite right re my OCD and its effects there.

I just want to feel better, for every day no longer to be a struggle that I almost can't describe, to stop feeling the abject terror, to be able to be happy again. I don't know how much longer I can keep on doing this; I have to cling to hope as otherwise I will go under for the final time. I have fought for so long, I desperately need this treatment but it is going to come down to a money thing - are they willing to spend this money on me, for the chance of letting me live again?

Edited April 18, 2013 by Northern Star

[lovid]

Definitely!

[whitebeam]

Hi Star

My very best wishes to you regarding your treatment. I so hope you will receive the funding to support this.

Take care :original:

whitebeam

[Northern Star]

Thank you both for your kind wishes.

I hate writing depressed posts but unfortunately that is how I am at the mo. Struggling to function, living every day in abject terror. I can't keep on like this. When I saw my GP today he has told me to stop the Mirtazapine so I am now solely on Fluoxetine (which is what we should have done a couple of weeks ago but we tried upping the Fluoxetine first) as of tonight. He offered me a Diazepam prescription which I initially said yes to but then declined as I didn't want any more tablets in the house at the moment. I do have quite a lot of old meds - leftovers from when I have changed meds, changed doses etc. I know that I should take them to a pharmacy and get them disposed of properly. But at the moment they're like some kind of sick suicide security blanket. I am getting times when I don't think I can keep on going.

I am so angry at myself - why can I not make myself better now? I know I have to be patient, that the wheels of NHS red tape take time to turn. I just don't know how to get through the next few weeks. I don't know whether I should sign myself off work or whether I should do what I have been doing for so long and try to keep on going despite the utter hell it can feel at times (that's not my work that's hell, rather my OCD and depression that make it so). I just want to sleep, for a couple of weeks if not forever at times.

I fancied pizza tonight, went to Tesco and bought one. Got as far as heating up the oven to put it in and then couldn't face cooking and eating it so it's back in the fridge, maybe tomorrow I will feel like eating some. Again I've barely eaten anything today. I have taken 4mg Diazepam (as I couldn't find my 5mg ones so decided to take 2 x 2mg instead) and am having one glass of wine (can't even be bothered to have a few Friday night drinks) in the hope that together they will relax me and send me to sleep.

I've lost count of how many times I've cried today. Twice at work I locked myself in the loo and sobbed. My CPN cancelled our appointment today - I think he is about to be diagnosed as being seriously ill (I can't elaborate because obviously it's his private business but there is a real risk that he will be off work for quite some time). He is pretty much the only person I talk to freely. I couldn't exactly say to him that I needed to talk to him today as he has bigger things to worry about and I'm not that selfish! Just rubbish timing, I was desperate to talk with him today.

I cannot understand why I am worsening, by the day sometimes. I can cope with OCD. I can cope with depression. I can cope with strain on my marriage caused by OCD, me, everything. I can cope with living next door to a family that can only be described as "feral". I can cope with working full-time. I can cope with the stress of knowing that my treatment lies in the hands of those who hold the purse-strings (although someone I trust and who knows about these things has told me that they are unlikely to reject it, hopefully it is just a matter of waiting and seeing). I can cope with the possibility of losing the support of my CPN for a time. I can cope with my shocking lack of self-esteem. But I can't cope with all of these at once.

If one thing in my life could go wrong at a time, in an orderly fashion, then that would be much appreciated

I think the combination of having spoken on the phone with one of the very few friends I have in real life, as well as the non-advised Diazepam/wine combo is having a positive effect. I feel calmer and am getting sleepy. Going to try to watch something mindless on TV and then will probably be tucked up in bed at an indecently early time for a Friday night for a 26 year-old. On my fourth set of clothes for the day already after the others became "contaminated". Wish I could work out how to tell OCD and depression to **** off and leave me alone. But every day that I survive is a kick in the teeth to them both. It just doesn't seem to get any easier at the moment. I think I am back to trying to get through a day at a time, not that I'm actively wanting to self-harm or worse every day, or even on half of the days, but things are worsening and the idea of the next few weeks feels too huge at the moment.

Edited April 19, 2013 by Northern Star

[Northern Star]

Must try hard not to cry so much tomorrow - just thrown up a little as a result of it

[Guest SophieM]

Dear NS,

I am so so sorry to hear about how you are feeling and about your situation. It must have been so difficult with your CPN cancelling on top of all that.

I just wanted to send you some words of support and hope this might be a better day for you

Here is a big hug. :hug:

How are you feeling today?

Thinking of you xx

[Northern Star]

Hi Sophie,

Thank you so much for your message :hug:

One of the last things I felt like doing yesterday was going out for a bike ride. So I forced myself out on a 30-35 mile bike ride. Yesterday and today have been a bit better - I haven't cried and haven't felt so low. I'm still not 100% sure I can get through the next few weeks but I have survived two more days and that is a success I am now on my third day of being off the Mirtazapine and have slept a huge amount but the weekend has been better than I thought it would be on Fri.

[Northern Star]

I have been to work today. At times feeling very stressed out with life at the moment, trying to focus on positives but so tired of the struggle. Around lunchtime I had some thoughts of self-harm. I didn't do anything about them but it did feel like it might be an idea, to make myself feel better for a little time. I know that it doesn't help in the long-run but it's frightening how attractive it can feel in the moment. Sometimes I feel like I need it to release some of the tension. I am trying to stay busy, trying to keep hope, trying to aim for positive things, trying to pretend everything is OK and then maybe it will be.

[Guest SophieM]

Hi NS,

Sorry to hear about the difficult day you had yesterday.

I think you are doing so incredibly well keeping going like you are - going to work, going on bike rides, trying to fight the bully. Plus you are supporting so many of us on here. You have been such a fantastic help to me as well.

Sending you my very best wishes and strength for this day. Lean on us for support. :hug:

S. xx

[lovid]

Hi NS.I'm really pleased that you have your MP on your side.That will carry a lot of weight if needed although I'm sure it won't.How've you been today.I was very impressed with the bike ride.35 miles! That takes some determination.They say exercise makes you feel better.Been a bit worried about you today.Could you go to a hospital if you feel like self harming again.They might be able to help

[Goldie80]

Fantastic news regarding the anxiety centre. Hang in there NS I can see the end of the tunnel! Xxxx

[Northern Star]

Thank you all

I am doing a little better, still struggling but have managed to work full-time so far this week and recently in general too. I'm quite wobbly but a little better. My appetite is still not good, not eating breakfast or lunch at work any more, but managing to eat something proper in the evenings. About 4pm today I was a bit shaky, think it was a combination of feeling cold, lack of food and anxiety. Had a few sweets on the drive home which I think brought my blood sugar up a bit, did a little over an hour's exercise when I got home, which is the norm for me now - I find that if I take (OCD?) precautions then I can exercise for a while and it helps burn off some nerves and helps to pass the time rather than spending even more time engrossed in OCD and depression. I am retching most days and feeling nauseous, think that is the effects of coming off one of the meds, so hopefully it should pass soon as it was last Thursday evening that I last took the Mirtazapine so it must be about out of my system now.

I don't think I would go to hospital if I felt like self-harming, I would feel unworthy, like I was wasting their time, etc. I know a lot of the theory behind self-harm and generally I tell the thoughts where to go though they don't come so often any more. But I will talk about it with my CPN on Friday. It's normally suicidal rather than self-harm thoughts and logically those (suicidal) are worse as they are obviously more damaging. I will talk about those too with my CPN.

I have an occy health referral (an "independent medical assessment") through work on Monday, which I am nervous about although I know it is a good thing. I am worried that if I reveal how bad things can be, that I might talk myself out of my job. In reality I need some extra support and reasonable adjustments at work, but I am nervous to reveal to someone new (no idea who this doctor is, apart from his name) what's going on. Could they not just write to the professionals who already know me?!? I had an IMA before I started this job (August 2011) but my OCD and depression were well under control at that point so it was quite brief.

[lovid]

Hi NS,I can see your dilemma about telling it how it is and talking yourself out of a job.Considering the determination you have it would be totally unreasonable for them to take an unhelpful attitude.Are you in a union.It might be worth discussing it with them first if you are because there are rights that you have regarding your problems.I'm sure occy health will be on your side though.Try not to worry too much if you can.What time you seeing cpn tomorrow.Could you get some help from him too.

[Northern Star]

Thanks lovid

I am in a union; I have spoken a little bit before with my rep about asking for reasonable adjustments but I think it might be an idea to get some advice from him now that I have an occy health assessment on Monday. I want to be completely honest with the doctor but not to lose my job. I am seeing my CPN at 12 tomorrow; there are a couple of things I need to talk to him about, but I think I will add this to the list. My employer knew about my OCD before I started my job, so I haven't hidden it from them, but it was much more under control when I started and I wasn't depressed then. I know that I am likely to be afforded protection under the Equality Act but this is the best job I've ever had and I don't want to give them any reason to get rid of me.

[lovid]

Hi NS,why can't life just be simple?I think that they will have realized that ocd waxes and wanes when they gave you the job.Is it in the public sector? :original:

[Guest SophieM]

Hi NS,

Just to say I hope your appointment with your CPN went ok today!

All the best for your day :hug:

S. xx

[Guest Annabel]

Hi N.S,

How did your CPN appointment go? Hope things are looking up, it's great that you've started exercising again to reduce anxiety, I've started up jogging again and find it makes a huge difference too xx

[lovid]

HI NS I want to know how the appointment went too :original:

[Northern Star]

Thank you all - it's lovely that there are people who've never met me who care

Lovid, yes it's a public sector job. It's not gold-plated like the media would have people believe (!) but the conditions are good and I am very grateful for that - hopefully I will still be saying that on Monday evening! I spoke with my union rep again today - he has put my mind at rest, that I'm not about to talk myself out of a job at the occy health appointment, and that if they wanted to get rid of me then they would have invoked the capability procedure by now. I asked whether I should be honest with the doctor and he felt that was best. I will be nervous meeting a doctor I've never met before, someone who might not understand OCD and depression, but hopefully he will do.

My CPN appointment went well I think, although had some intrusive OCD times and the appointment was quite brief as he wasn't feeling well but covered some important stuff including discussing the occy health stuff with him. I am still worrying about the whole funding application process, about the possibility of my CPN being gravely ill, etc etc but the week has gone better than expected.

Annabel, I am jogging, although only on the wii fit as then only hubby can see me - Northern Star jogging is not a pretty sight!! But I did an hour and a half this evening, find it does help burn off some nervous energy and helps to pass the time rather than OCD-ing so much of the evening.

I am OK, I am surviving, I am having better times, maybe it's the Fluoxetine, I just hope that it continues - I don't want to come crashing down again.

Edited April 26, 2013 by Northern Star

[Guest LauraMac]

Northern star, I know times are tough, I completely understand how you feel, I too have felt like this. I just want to tell you how important a person you are, especially to the people on this forum. Anytime I have posted something, you are there to give advice and encourage. You seem like such a genuinely lovely person, so don't hate yourself, you are such a special person who helps others, don't let your ocd tell you otherwise.

God bless, Laura x