Maybe suicidal

[Northern Star]

I will reply properly later, thank you for your kind messages. For now, I am at work. I don't know if I should call the CMHT or not, what more could anyone say? Looks like I will be spending Easter long weekend alone as hubby is going to his Dad's today until Monday. When I left for work this morning, we both wanted to hug and I couldn't even do that because of "contamination". Just FUBAR.

[Northern Star]

As promised, I'm back to reply more fully,

Firstly, a huge thank you. It's lovely that there are people out there, who have never even met me, who care.

I survived a half-day of work, although my one loo break took me something like 30-40 minutes. Jim has gone to his dad's, am missing him (in contact though) but trying to stay occupied, even if it's just playing with the cats. I will probably go to bed soon and try to get a long, proper sleep as no work for four days now. My OCD is being horrendous. I am resisting some small times, but in general it has me very firmly in its grip. I can't remember what it's like not to have OCD this severe

The reason I struggle so massively with going against my OCD is because I fear that harm will come to other people, not to myself - I feel like I would be putting other people at risk if I defy my OCD and that that would make me an awful, irresponsible, terrible person. I also feel like if I were a better person then I wouldn't get contaminated and I wouldn't have these thoughts. I also despise myself and struggle to forgive myself for mistakes I have made in the past. My self-esteem is at rock bottom and I so badly want things to be ok. I'm not convinced I can beat this but I have to give it my all and I will do that.

I don't know how not to wash this much. I know that probably sounds daft but this feels like the only way I can stay somewhat in control. If I stop then I believe that the consequences would be awful, that I could make other people ill, that it would prove that I am a bad, irresponsible, careless, lazy person. The pure-o has a similar effect on me, that I believe it proves I am scum.

[Cub]

We all care, Star, we all know what it's like. Trying to stay occupied even through the smallest step is a fantastic achievement - cats are always good to have around.

Take things gradually - you don't have to stop all at once. It'll take time, and patience, but we will help you get there. :hug:

[Northern Star]

Thank you Cub :hug:

I keep having crying episodes. My OCD is having a field day. I just want everything to be OK and I am so frightened that it might not be. I have been making myself stay busy until hubby gets home tomorrow. I just want to go to sleep in his arms. One or two of the cats have been sleeping with me but it's not the same. I don't know when I will hear about the assessment - I'm hoping that it will be this week coming. I am petrified about treatment but I know it's my only hope. I have made some changes but OCD is still very much in control. I don't want to keep on feeling so awful at times. I don't know if I should have changed meds, whether that is contributing to it. Maybe I should ask to switch back, I don't know.

[sesa1979]

Hi Northern Star, how have you been today? you can get through this and i know how you are feeling i have been through some terrifying episodes mine are intrusive thoughts and severe depression im really not in a good place at the moment and am struggling to get through the days its so scary it make me physically sick. I know ive beaten this before so im determined to beat it again but its so terrifying my partner goes back to work tomorrow and he works away a lot and im petrified about getting through the day to make matters worse my bunny has been ill and last night i was up every couple of hours to give her water by syringe and this morning she was taken to the vets shes still there now being monitered day by day so ocd has it right where it wants me. If anytime you need to talk to me just drop me a message i will try my best to help you.

I tried to talk to someone tonight at the crisis team where i live but i got referred to a different telephone number everytime i think its awful how theres noone you can get to speak to out of hours i know the support forums are very good and this website has helped me a lot but when your in crisis its hard to know what to do. You just wanna shut of from everything and wake up and its all gone.

I hope your doing ok and im here if ever you need me big big hugs Sarah xxxx

[Northern Star]

Hi Sarah,

Thanks for your message, and I can definitely relate to wanting to go to sleep and wake up to find that things have gone away! I hope also that your bunny is doing OK and that you are coping OK with things.

I am continuing to struggle. I do have better times but they don't last very long and are not very frequent. I am finding each day very tough to the point where I am barely functioning at times. I am finding getting through a complete workday difficult as my OCD takes over and I can find it impossible to stay around other people in the office for the whole day. I have fought so hard to remain working but I am now unfortunately looking at the very real possibility of being signed off sick from work. I have my 1:1 on Monday and I am worried, that my OCD will come into it eg that I am taking a lot of time off because of it at the moment. I even struggle sometimes to look at my boss when talking to him as OCD kicks in there too.

I went back to my GP yesterday to ask to go back onto my previous combination of medication (Paroxetine and Mirtazapine), however given the fact that I would have to taper off the Fluoxetine I am currently on before starting back on Paroxetine, the GP recommended that for a couple of weeks I try taking a reduced dose of the Mirtazapine and an increased dose of the Fluoxetine. If it doesn't work then he will help me to switch back but he feels that this will have a quicker effect than trying to change back at this point. He is great and always says to let them know if I worsen in the meantime.

My CPN is also continuing to be great, supporting me to pursue specialist treatment in Bath. I am hoping to hear a date for an assessment there very soon, then after that I will (providing they feel they can treat me) have to apply for funding for the actual treatment, but this is a big step in the right direction.

Things are still not good at home. Spent Easter weekend apart and I missed him like crazy. It's so tough on him too, he remembers how I used to be. I have always had OCD since we got together when I was 18 (I have had OCD at least since I was 15), but it has never before been this severe. I hate the effect it has on him, and on us. I can live with it destroying me, but not him and/or our marriage.

I have said that the assessment cannot come too soon as I am now barely functioning. I just hope that it works and that t isn't too late.

This is a horrendous illness as everyone on here knows. From the physical stuff such as exhaustion and hands that crack and bleed, to the practical stuff of spending a small fortune on compulsions and risking my job, to the emotional stuff of potentially losing the most important thing in my life.

Edited April 3, 2013 by Northern Star

[lovid]

Hi northern star,I'm really sorry to read what a bad time your having.Would it help your husband cope if you both went along to marriage guidance.Could he also go along to your cbt sessions so that he can become involved in looking after you.Maybe if he became a bit of an expert he might feel he has more control :original:

[Northern Star]

I am not really coping any more this evening. I can't cope with everything. There is stress from so many sides and I am desperately close to breaking point. I have asked to speak with my CPN tomorrow, but I don't know how to fix things. This is killing me. I keep on fighting every day but I don't know that it's enough. I just want to sleep a dreamless sleep. This isn't a suicide note (I don't want to alarm people and I am not about to make an attempt on my life) but things feel so bleak and hopeless at times, I have been crying for most of the last hour, I have taken one Diazepam which it says to avoid alcohol with as it can cause sleepiness but frankly that would be a good thing for now. I don't know how much longer I can keep on doing this.

PS lovid - thank you. My husband has learnt so much about OCD, he has gone above and beyond with everything, he has been caring for me for too long, I don't know that I can keep on putting him through this. There is a little part of me that wants to tell him to leave, to go and find happiness as I can't bear this. We both still love each other. I don't ever want to lose him but we are both in hell. I have better moments but depression is always waiting to strike and I don't know why I keep on trying to ignore it, trying to bury my head in the sand. Tonight I want to cry and sleep. I don't want to think or feel any more pain. This is hell.

Edited April 4, 2013 by Northern Star

[Cub]

Hi sweetie,

I know the feeling, believe me. I've had a bad day and have just had a cry to my dad. I've been crying and just wanted to sleep, so you are definitely not alone.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you tonight - please try not to be so hard on yourself.

C x

[sesa1979]

Hi hun, you poor thing i know how you are feeling im feeling terrible at the moment im looking at my partner now and seeing him trying to be so calm and i just feel dreadful i feel alone and scared in all of this its dreadful. Are you eating i havent eaten today but am going to make myself eat something in a minute jut got rabbit back from vets and hoping she will be ok now. Just hang on in there when youve been so low the only way can be up ive had two bad episodes in my life and this is the third i sometimes think i cant take it im so scared i just want to enjoy my life and not feel like this anymore ive read so much today i cant take anymore in your not alone xxxx

I am not really coping any more this evening. I can't cope with everything. There is stress from so many sides and I am desperately close to breaking point. I have asked to speak with my CPN tomorrow, but I don't know how to fix things. This is killing me. I keep on fighting every day but I don't know that it's enough. I just want to sleep a dreamless sleep. This isn't a suicide note (I don't want to alarm people and I am not about to make an attempt on my life) but things feel so bleak and hopeless at times, I have been crying for most of the last hour, I have taken one Diazepam which it says to avoid alcohol with as it can cause sleepiness but frankly that would be a good thing for now. I don't know how much longer I can keep on doing this.

PS lovid - thank you. My husband has learnt so much about OCD, he has gone above and beyond with everything, he has been caring for me for too long, I don't know that I can keep on putting him through this. There is a little part of me that wants to tell him to leave, to go and find happiness as I can't bear this. We both still love each other. I don't ever want to lose him but we are both in hell. I have better moments but depression is always waiting to strike and I don't know why I keep on trying to ignore it, trying to bury my head in the sand. Tonight I want to cry and sleep. I don't want to think or feel any more pain. This is hell.

[OB1]

Hi Northern Star,

I just read your posts and am really sorry you're going through this right now, it really is tough. I'm in a similar place so just want you to know you're not alone but we need to keep on going, everything is possible and a happier life is just around the corner so we have to persevere. It looks as though you are doing all the right things and the wheels are turning in the right direction, just keep them turning one day at a time.

Hope you get a good nights rest :original:

Take Care x

[Goldie80]

Northern star

You are on the brink of receiving specialist treatment that will impact your life. Try to not put pressure on yourself right now. This is a waiting game - it's hard, I know it, but you have to sit with this while the therapy comes through. The CPN can push your case further tomorrow. For now take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. We are with you and thinking of you.

[Northern Star]

Thank you all very much for your messages. I am honestly touched by people's care. I am trying to keep busy (2 1/2 hours of exercise today, my body won't know what's hit it!) and just to aim for the 17th. When I spoke with my CPN he echoed what people on here have said - to try to go more gently on myself. He is great - he nearly always makes things feel a little better.

I have my 1:1 at work on Monday, not really looking forward to it as I have been quite withdrawn, anxious, grumpy (for want of a better word, all caused by what's currently going on though) and have had some time off. I still am not particularly confident in my own abilities at work either. I know the time off can't count against me as I am unwell which can be backed up by medical records if necessary but I do still feel bad at times when I have to go home due to OCD etc. I have previously had an occy health assessment in which she said that I would be eligible for "reasonable adjustments" and protection under the Equality Act so I am going to ask for that to be taken into consideration on days when I struggle to stay in the office because I believe I am going to contaminate everyone and everything. I know to someone without OCD that would sound bizarre, but to me it is so real and frightening and I am going to try to explain that to my boss. He is male though and talking to him often brings up pure-o to the point where sometimes I can't even look at him so it might turn into a struggle in that respect as well. I get pure-o around pretty much any male, including my CPN, so I am often living in fear that the thoughts etc will strike again.

Hubby and I are perhaps a little better, but I fear it is just the calm before the storm. Trying to live in the moment though and just cross each bridge as I come to it.

Thank you all, again. I am so grateful to have this place to offload and chat with people.

Edited April 6, 2013 by Northern Star

[sesa1979]

:original: Awww hugs i see you have made some huge improvements and you are fighting it all the way you may not see it but you are just keep at it and like you said live in the moment which is what i try to do i dread the next day but i should try be more positve you are doing well you deserve a big pat on the back your doing all that you can do keep at it hun we are all here for you.

Thank you all very much for your messages. I am honestly touched by people's care. I am trying to keep busy (2 1/2 hours of exercise today, my body won't know what's hit it!) and just to aim for the 17th. When I spoke with my CPN he echoed what people on here have said - to try to go more gently on myself. He is great - he nearly always makes things feel a little better.

I have my 1:1 at work on Monday, not really looking forward to it as I have been quite withdrawn, anxious, grumpy (for want of a better word, all caused by what's currently going on though) and have had some time off. I still am not particularly confident in my own abilities at work either. I know the time off can't count against me as I am unwell which can be backed up by medical records if necessary but I do still feel bad at times when I have to go home due to OCD etc. I have previously had an occy health assessment in which she said that I would be eligible for "reasonable adjustments" and protection under the Equality Act so I am going to ask for that to be taken into consideration on days when I struggle to stay in the office because I believe I am going to contaminate everyone and everything. I know to someone without OCD that would sound bizarre, but to me it is so real and frightening and I am going to try to explain that to my boss. He is male though and talking to him often brings up pure-o to the point where sometimes I can't even look at him so it might turn into a struggle in that respect as well. I get pure-o around pretty much any male, including my CPN, so I am often living in fear that the thoughts etc will strike again.

Hubby and I are perhaps a little better, but I fear it is just the calm before the storm. Trying to live in the moment though and just cross each bridge as I come to it.

Thank you all, again. I am so grateful to have this place to offload and chat with people.

[Caramoole]

Trying to live in the moment though and just cross each bridge as I come to it.

Not a bad idea when you're struggling. Just tread water and cross those bridges until the anxiety levels hopefully recede a bit.

Caramoole

[Northern Star]

Thank you both :hug:

Another day survived, made it through a whole day of work but uncomfortably at times, with clothes with anti-bac spray dripping off them at times.

Had my 1:1; generally pleased although my OCD is causing issues, which I accept but I am doing my best, which I think he accepts too. I have asked for help with a compromise on days when I am really struggling as my boss and I are keen to try to work together to keep me working at least part-time. He is going to get some advice tomorrow on the reasonable adjustments that they can make. I have said that I am not so unwell that I can't work at all, but neither am I well enough to guarantee I will be able to work all day every day. Each morning I have to fight to get out the front door and I don't know whether I will make it through a full day of work. In the words of my CPN, "with such a severe disability it is remarkable that Jo manages to function at all". The other main issue boils down to a lack of self-confidence, which again I am trying to work on. I hate this illness, I hate it impacting on every aspect of my life. My boss is being good to me but I don't want him to have to, I just want to be OK and happy. I am tired of fighting it and of making excuses for it.

Still taking things a day at a time, just 8 1/2 days to go now. If I never wash again it will be too soon. And if I never think again it will be too soon. It's been a better day than expected though; still fighting, trying to enjoy the better times and trying to think positively.

Edited April 8, 2013 by Northern Star

[sesa1979]

Well done Norhtern Star your doing brilliantly just reading it i can see how hard your fighting against this horrible illness keep at it girl. xx

Thank you both :hug:

Another day survived, made it through a whole day of work but uncomfortably at times, with clothes with anti-bac spray dripping off them at times.

Had my 1:1; generally pleased although my OCD is causing issues, which I accept but I am doing my best, which I think he accepts too. I have asked for help with a compromise on days when I am really struggling as my boss and I are keen to try to work together to keep me working at least part-time. He is going to get some advice tomorrow on the reasonable adjustments that they can make. I have said that I am not so unwell that I can't work at all, but neither am I well enough to guarantee I will be able to work all day every day. Each morning I have to fight to get out the front door and I don't know whether I will make it through a full day of work. In the words of my CPN, "with such a severe disability it is remarkable that Jo manages to function at all". The other main issue boils down to a lack of self-confidence, which again I am trying to work on. I hate this illness, I hate it impacting on every aspect of my life. My boss is being good to me but I don't want him to have to, I just want to be OK and happy. I am tired of fighting it and of making excuses for it.

Still taking things a day at a time, just 8 1/2 days to go now. If I never wash again it will be too soon. And if I never think again it will be too soon. It's been a better day than expected though; still fighting, trying to enjoy the better times and trying to think positively.

[Northern Star]

Thank you :hug:

Today has been atrocious, even by my current standards of rubbish days, today was in a whole other league I think. I am so tired of fighting it all, but then when I have better moments I feel happier and some hope. I just want to be a good person, a good wife, and happy. I am near the edge but trying to stay holding on.

[lovid]

Hi Northern star.I wish I could take all your pain away for you.You seem such a good strong person battling on with this horrible illness.I admire the way you can keep going.I believe that if you can keep being strong and keep holding on you can beat this. :original:

[Guest Annabel]

:hug: You're really strong to keep going. Hold on to the happy and hopeful moments and ride the bigger waves- even with the awfulest of awful days you've got through it xx

[sesa1979]

Hi Northern Star you keep at it you are doing so well and try to focus on them good moments and that they can come more and more dont put pressure on yourself i worry about others when im putting them through this but a very good friend said to me the other day your the ones whos going through this horrendous condition not them your doing your best coping with it it shows how much you care for others when your struggling so much but are worried about others its because your such a lovely person.

Keep fighting

[Guest SophieM]

Dear Northern Star,

I hope this is a better day for you.

:hug:

S xx

[Northern Star]

Thank you all

I think I am on my fifth set of clothes of the day. I can't keep on doing this. I was driving earlier and thought that I might have cheated on hubby whilst driving (alone) but managed to rationalise it. I was in a shop and thought I might have harmed a child but again managed to self-reassure. I am so tired of washing, cleaning and worrying. I can't keep on doing this.

On Tuesday it will be two weeks since my GP told me to give the new meds regime two weeks. But Wednesday is my specialist assessment with the Prof. I need to stop all this but I don't know how to. I am frightened of keeping going like this. I want to hibernate. I don't know how the hell I keep on going, how on earth do I manage it? I honestly don't know how I manage to keep on getting up, going to work, doing "normal" things. I have been doing it for so long, but I don't know how when every day can turn into a struggle and I seem to be lurching from crisis to crisis. How can OCD have taken over so much that life now revolves around it? Can I ever get well or is this going to be it? If I get this treatment I will throw myself into it one thousand million percent. But life is a struggle at the moment. I am developing new rituals and it is snowballing out of control.

I hope this doesn't sound like a whinge :blushing:

[Northern Star]

I met with the Prof today for my assessment - nerve-wracking but positive. He has diagnosed me as having severe OCD (which I knew), severe depression (which surprised me, as I know I get very down at times but it's usually down to OCD and I thought he might say I have mild/moderate but not severe), a bit of social anxiety and an utterly dismal level of self-esteem / self-belief (ie practically zero).

He believes that my self-image is at the heart of everything, which I think he is right about. I feel so much shame, guilt, self-hatred etc. So he has said that if I get the funding then the first work we do will be on my self-belief, before the actual OCD. I struggled a lot to tell him some stuff but did manage mostly to in the end.

He is going to write his report and get a draft of it across to me ASAP, hopefully by this time next week. I then have to apply to my Trust for funding for treatment. Goodness only knows what they will say and when.

I felt pretty good on the drive home, although a bit anxious but he made so much sense. He has opened my mind to the possibility that some of the stuff I thought was proof of me being an awful person, might perhaps be OCD or OCD-related. I am now feeling pretty damn low, not sure why, I think it's because now I have a hellish wait for the Trust to decide. I am struggling with the idea of trying to carry on working full-time - I want to but at the same time I am so exhausted from OCD, and depression too I guess.

I have lost a stone in weight since my heaviest (about 9/10 lb in the last month or so), partly OCD-induced, possibly partly depression-induced and partly deliberately. Today I have eaten just a few sweets on the drive home. I feel nauseous and don't want to eat tonight. I feel like I should but have no appetite; I might try a bit of toast but I'm not sure I have the energy / inclination.

I was very impressed by the professor; I desperately hope funding for treatment is agreed and soon, as I am only just hanging on. I really despise this illness and its all-pervasiveness.

[Guest SophieM]

Hi NS,

So glad to hear that you got through your assessment ok - it must have been difficult.

This was a major step in the right direction! I hope for you that funding is agreed soon and that you are getting the help you need.

I so understand how you are feeling about OCD and I hope that you don't have to wait too long. Take one day at a time?

I understand about not being able to eat - I had that also - maybe you could just try and have a little something?

I am sending lots of best wishes,

S. xx