Update on my Intrusive thought progression

[Guest Clockwork]

Hi guys

Been a while since I've posted, but I'd just like to really thank you guys for helping me when I needed it most.

About a month ago was when it all started, that video that triggered all of these horrible thoughts and compulsions. I truly thought I was going insane, but coming here has helped me so much. Not just reassurance, but literally giving me hope. I will be honest, I was on the verge of doing something very stupid because I could not handle what I was experiencing, thought I was all alone in this matter. Coming here and having words spoken to me letting me know that I was not crazy, or insane really just makes dealing with this a lot easier.

Needless to say, this does not mean everything is "cured." I guess things like this will never go away, and one just has to learn how to live with it. The main point is though that as far as self treating it, it has been going fairly well. There are a lot of bad days, but compared to how it was when it all started, I say that I've made some improvement. I've even gotten back to most of the activities and hobbies I had to stop from because of the OCD.

I have had a few hard bumps in the road though. The thoughts that were originally directed at my partner have now branched out to just about anybody. I still feel uncomfortable when I am around most people ESPECIALLY if there is a considered weapon nearby (knife, sharp object, ect.) Also, even though I have read your guys response to this problem, there is still that one thought that I really despise the most. The one telling me that this is not OCD and I am just a "killer waiting to happen." This thought bothers me so much because it makes it impossible to dismiss any kind of thought or impulse as OCD. Therefore it makes me feel so alone. The thoughts tell me that no matter what advice or what I read anywhere, that I am different. I am really just an insane killer who thinks I have OCD. That deep down, I really enjoy these thoughts but part of me refuses to accept it.

I know, these are the same problems I have been talking about since I've came here, but I really just need to vent. Tell someone how I am feeling and what I am dealing with. The reason I have avoided psychiatric help is because the only people that know about my problem is my partner and you guys. I would like to keep it that way as I am 18 and living under a relatives roof, but he would not understand and would most likely think I'm a freak or something (He's old)

Anyway, sorry for my knack of always leaving a wall of text whenever I type, I really did not intend for this one to be as long as it is.

Again, I really appreciate all the help and advice you guys give me. Much love :original:

[lovid]

Hi clockwork,the thought that you actually don't have ocd and are actually the bad person that you fear seems to be something that comes up all the time on these forums and is all part of ocd.I reckon you should have professional treatment though.Don't suffer just because the person you live with would disapprove.He probably wouldn't ever know anyway because the treatment would be kept confidential.Good luck

[Northern Star]

Hi clockwork,

As lovid has said, the fear of "what if this isn't OCD and I am actually a killer (or whatever it is your OCD tells you)" is very common indeed. It's a way of the OCD trying to keep hold of you. OCD thoughts can be absolutely terrifying but they honestly are just that - just thoughts. It sounds like you are distressed by these thoughts and finding that they are impacting on your life - please consider finding an OCD specialist and getting some help. I don't know what the rules are regarding confidentiality over there but if you are 18 then would anyone else need to know that you are receiving psychiatric help? It's certainly nothing to be ashamed of but I know that it can be hard having other people know and sometimes people prefer to keep these things to themselves.