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sigh1

will this anxiety ocd etc go ? (some sexual content)

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i dont ever think it will, been talking to a girl for a few days now yesterday i was depressed because of the gay thoughts and today i am, questioning myself would i do this and that to a gay man, to be exact i have been going over with myself for the past 20 minutes saying would i touch a penis if it was there right now etc i am saying no yet it just feels a big lie but if it was why wouldnt i just say yes i would, yet when i say would i touch a vagina etc i have no horrible feelings in my body nor do i feel hot like steam is getting released from my body it may seem like i am lying but i know i would touch a vagina, yet when i say would i touch a penis its like something is forcing me to say yes but i say no to myself sometimes i stop half way through getting annoyed putting myself through this, why is this happening to me ? ya know i wanna girl yet i feel i cant be with a girl yet because of the thoughts etc in my mind because i wouldnt enjoy it to the full,

what if i am lying by not agreeing with the unwanted thoughts? am i lying? if i was lying why would i disgree with the thoughts? being with a man etc is not what i want, yet its like i am just being forced this way because its wrong makes it more strong, its like theres something inside me that just wants to destroy my life, even when i am typing this am i lying? its like i dont know what i am saying or who i am or what i want, yet its a girl i want but its like i cant have it ?

if there was a penis next to me would i touch it etc i say no yet it feels like i want to or couldnt resist the thoughts what is going on with me ......

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its like i have to post about 2 or 3 times even askin for a reply, yet others have loads of replies in theres, just got out the bath while was in there was goin through it all in my head made mum asks me to help her with something even though she knew i have not long got out the bath and was making a butty so then i threw it down and nearly punched **** out of the wall but didnt i just hit the lightswitch for it to turn on and was shaking with anger, going the doctors tomorrow i cant be doing with this ****** **** for the rest of my life, i dont think i would have the balls to kill myself but if something wants to kill me whether thats in an accident then thats ok with me atleast i wont have this **** in my head and atleast i wont have thoughts of being forced into wanting to do something

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Hi Si,

I am sure the lack of replies are nothing personal against you, & it more likely that those with lots of knowledge with this type of thing have simply missed your postings mate. I think this sometimes happens when posting at certain times of the day, & perhaps needed a better title & so on.

Definitely worth seeing your GP about this though, & all the best.

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thing that bothers me last night putting myself through uncomfortable situations in my mind yet it made me get an erection which was not wanted and also uncontrollable does this mean i am gay or something? also thinking of these things feels like i like them sometimes and sometimes i dont i even went to the extent of a dog having sex with a woman or a girl sucking a horse i mean wtf? is it just the fact that its something happening to me sexually that trys making me feel i like these things yet its not men i want doing things to me its girls, i get erection when am talking to the girl i have been recently speaking to on the phone, all the unwanted gay **** is getting in the way of my true feelings, but when i say true feeling which is me wanting to be with a girl with me getting this uncontrollable erection when putting myself in unwanted gay situations in my head feels as if thats a true feeling to were i then get angry stressed wanna just curl up and cry and start releasing steam from my body

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great no replies thanks

Erm, not being funny, but this sort of post isn't going to encourage people to respond!

But I agree with felix4, it's probably worth having a chat with your doctor.

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had to wait 2 weeks because he was off phoned up today and i have to wait next week now, i feel like i am gonna lose control and damage things or people 2 minutes ago i just punched the wall twice ye it may not help but nothing is helping me,

am not gay i dont wanna be gay yet my mind feels its ok to trick my mind and like i have a little voice in my head saying yes you are, i want a woman simple as that but its not simple to have one because of these thoughts in my head if i was gay why would i keep saying i am not,

why would i get very very angry ? steam coming out of my body and starting to sweat, feel like i wanna rip the skin off my face, feeling like i may wanna do the things i dont wanna do just because i know it will hurt me and make me stress out even more so urges get stronger because its not what i want, am not even a normal person am ****** in the head,

why are things trying to make me believe i am lying and wants the things i dont want, why am i getting feelings sometimes like its turning me on when yet it isnt, whenever i get erect over a girl i dont have this **** like its wrong or feel anxious etc etc i cant get any answers, good think about thinking of dying is that all this **** will stop and be gone,

how can your own mind do this to you? its your own mind FFS, everything i say feels like its just a lie, things i dont wanna do feel like they are or would turn me on, acting on the things will feel like i wanna do them but already know i will regret them and will just make me worse, theres nothing i can do, dying feels like its the only way out that will stop all this ****,

i am 25 years old i am supposed to be a young happy lad enjoying life i feel for the 25 years i have been alive i havent enjoyed it once what am i living for? just do i can get stressed every minute of every day ? its a joke life is **** someone else can have my organs and help them live because i cant do this forever, i dont wanna be gay am not gay i wanna girl yet even though i am saying this on here i say it out loud and i say it in my head it all feels like its a lie?

i go into the most detail about the things i dont want to be like the gay clips actually going over and over and over etc etc etc picturing it happen perfectly going over the things that bother, stopping sometimes because i cant picture it in my head properly so i go over and over until i do if i say something in my head that i think wasnt said properly i will sya it over and over and over again till i think thats right,

get things in my head that feel so forceful like urges like go on go on go on, what is this is all true ? but how can it be true if i am actually disagreeing with the thoughts? i feel i dont even make sense half the time i dont even feel like i know what i am saying but i must do if i am saying it ? if i was gay why would i feel depressed not happy etc ?

why did i get erect over the unwanted thoughts i was putting myself through? why? what is the answer? i didnt get a feelin when i get erect over a girl i had no anxiety about getting erect over girls but i get erect over the gay **** in my head even though i dont want to ? its like i dont know what i want but i must do if i am sayin girl?

i masturbate over girls not men, i dont even like saying the word women because its got men in but if the unwanted thoughts are true why wouldnt i wanna say the word men ? what am i ? hahahah this is just unbelievable i am going into a freak i will probably end up in a mental home

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before when masturbating over women there was a gay clip underneath and i said do i like that am i interested in that and i said no obiviously yet i had to keep scrolling down to go over the same questions do i like that etc didnt click on the clip as i dont want to but kept scrolling down to the clip having to go over the questions,

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how can your own mind do this to you?

Very easily when you have OCD. That's the nature of the condition....obsessive, intrusive, unwanted and frightening thoughts that seem real.

Just as you're doing at the moment, we try and unravel them, try to work them out in a variety of ways....checking by reading things on the internet, by testing yourself looking at material to see how you react, checking how your body responds. Ruminating, having conversations in your head to work it out. By repeating things in your head or typing them out saying "I'm not gay" " I like women" etc. These are what we call compulsions and we do it to try and work it out, to solve it, to make it stop.....sadly it doesn't work with OCD.

Try not to fight against the thoughts. They are thoughts, they aren't you and they aren't going to make you become (or do) something you don't want to do or be. You have an anxiety condition and right now it's frightening you.

Try not to go round punching doors and things, all it will do is raise the stress and make you feel a whole load worse. You don't have to do this and it will increase the anxiety.

Honestly, I know how frightening this is but you can learn to get back in charge but you have to make changes to the way you respond when the thought strikes. Have a look at some of the info on our main page at http://www.ocduk.org

Keep that appointment with the GP....next week will soon come. Tell him about the thoughts you're having and ask if he can refer you for some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

Hang in there and do your best not to repeat the things that are keeping the anxiety high. I know it's hard but start making small changes today.

Caramoole :)

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Very easily when you have OCD. That's the nature of the condition....obsessive, intrusive, unwanted and frightening thoughts that seem real.

Just as you're doing at the moment, we try and unravel them, try to work them out in a variety of ways....checking by reading things on the internet, by testing yourself looking at material to see how you react, checking how your body responds. Ruminating, having conversations in your head to work it out. By repeating things in your head or typing them out saying "I'm not gay" " I like women" etc. These are what we call compulsions and we do it to try and work it out, to solve it, to make it stop.....sadly it doesn't work with OCD.

Try not to fight against the thoughts. They are thoughts, they aren't you and they aren't going to make you become (or do) something you don't want to do or be. You have an anxiety condition and right now it's frightening you.

Try not to go round punching doors and things, all it will do is raise the stress and make you feel a whole load worse. You don't have to do this and it will increase the anxiety.

Honestly, I know how frightening this is but you can learn to get back in charge but you have to make changes to the way you respond when the thought strikes. Have a look at some of the info on our main page at http://www.ocduk.org

Keep that appointment with the GP....next week will soon come. Tell him about the thoughts you're having and ask if he can refer you for some CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)

Hang in there and do your best not to repeat the things that are keeping the anxiety high. I know it's hard but start making small changes today.

Caramoole :)

thanks for the reply, its hard to believe this is ocd now, i will never be happy with a man never its not what i want and i will make sure i wont be happy with a man, actually saying being with a man sounds so weird yet it also feels like its something i want haha i cant win here i know i need to make changes and not think things and not punch walls etc yet i cant stop myself sorry, cant go on like this, feel like i have to text this girl and tell her sorry but we will have to stop talking and not meet as much as that feels right now i feel really horrible guilty and i know its something i want yet i cant have it because of my mind its upsetting me right now, i dont even know what else to say

Edited by sigh1

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i cant win here i know i need to make changes and not think things and not punch walls etc yet i cant stop myself sorry

Yes you can stop...punching walls that is. You can change your reaction to the anxiety, difficult as it seems, you can control this :)

It's not about you not thinking things, that's something you can't control right now. What you can change is your response to the thoughts by recognising what's causing them, despite the doubt that will still be there...and it's tough, I know it is :hug:

Your life can change but it needs you to gradually change the way you're handling things. Researching, testing, checking, ruminating will never work and that's what is keeping you so firmly in the grip of OCD.

Be anxious by defying this bully rather than dancing to its tune. It's hard but you can fight back and beat this.....

Caramoole :)

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when i woke up today even half asleep i carried on from where i left off before i went to sleep,

i go over gay porn i tried testing myself and i cant explain how i feel because i know its not what i want it feels right ?

going over the gay things in my head i was sometimes getting erections yet i dont want the erection so why do i get it ? i cant understand that does anyone have a answer to that?

when i think about girls i have always gotta think or would i want to do that with a man all the time why? i never worry about getting erections over girl thoughts and i actually love getting erections over girl thoughts, yet sometimes with gay thoughts i get erections i cant control and go over the same things over and over its not 1 2 3 times its like 10 times or something which makes me confused if i wanted to be gay or was gay then why would i not love getting erections sometimes over the gay thoughts i put in my head? why would i not love the these thoughts? why would it make me so angry as if everything is a lie?

also last night i felt fine i was like i am not gay had gay thoughts in my mind and said no am not interested in that etc and that was that i felt good i wished i felt like that all the time but i also knew it wouldnt last and that i would be back to square one again, so another question if i was to be gay then why would i have this good feeling of not being interested in gay thoughts?

it all seems to be strong when i get horny/wanna masturbate and after i masturbate for a few minutes it all goes,

my head right now just feels so heavy i feel so frustrated i feel i am very very close to not being able to cope its the same old ****,

to be honest askin for advice on the internet does no help whats so ever so i really dont know why i ask, because i have had answers on yahoo answers when putting my thoughts on there people saying medication hides the problem, oh maybe you are gay maybe you are bi, oh its ok to be gay i hate that answer oh its ok to be gay if it was ok to be gay or i wanted to be gay do you think i would be on forums or yahoo answers putting my stress online?

every little comment every little thing i dwell on and it all has to be thought in a negative way, ye i could be very happy with a male ye i could have sex with a male ye i could do things with a male ye i could kiss a male i know this, thing is though its not what i want i get no anxiety what so ever thinking about a girl in a sexual way kissin her etc not anxiety what so ever what does **** me off is when i am thinking about a girl its got to be turnt into what if it was a man would i do that with a man so then my mind starts going then to which will try and make me believe its gay things i want, i want a girl yet i cant seem to have a girl because of my mind right now i couldnt enjoy being in a relationship with a girl now because of the unwanted gay thoughts in my head

have been talking to a girl for a few days now but i think we are stopping because of my thoughts and guess what came in my mind would i wanna kiss and do things with her brother instead of her ? great isnt it ? something inside me or someone looking over me just wont let me be happy, i cant be happy for some reason or if i was to be happy the thoughts etc would spoil that yes i know i should ignore thoughts the thing is though I CANT,

AM I GAY ?

1. years ago i have done gay things with males ( more than one male ) its never went to the stage where i have had a penis inside me or put my penis inside someone yet i was close to doing thing but i never but what i dwell on is the fact i nearly did but i never but nearly did ......

2. i regret doing the gay things i did in the past yet i did like them ( which is not a good thing for me to admit )

3. i have recently been getting erections sometimes most of the time half erections or my testicles just move when i have the gay thoughts

4. whenever i think about a girl its got to be thought about a man like what about a man though would i do this and that with a man

5. the thoughts are strong when i am horny/wanna masturbate

6. in the past i have masturbated about one of the gay experiences that happens to me i dunno why but the most recent was a few months back when i get erect over what happened so i masturbated it was half about that gay experience and half about a girl, for then me to say to myself with did i just do that its not what i want

7. no desire to wanna love a man say i love you to a man, be with a man, wake up to a man go to sleep with a man, go home from work to a man, buy a present for a boy friend, marry a man

AM I NOT GAY?

1. i want a woman

2. i have only ever been in a relationship with girls

3 i have only ever had sex with a girl

4. i only masturbate about women

5. i get so angry stressed etc when the thoughts try and make me feel like i want them like them and want to be gay

6. if i was gay then why would i get stressed so much about these gay thoughts?

7. i would never want to be with a man nor would i be happy with a man

8. i keep saying to myself i am not gay i want woman

9. being able not to put all the thoughts aside and loving a girl again makes me wanna curl up and cry

so if ocd targets the most things that scare you then why can someone say oh maybe you are gay if you are having these such thoughts ? i never get anxious thinking of a woman it just has to turn into oh what if it was a man etc

do i get erect sometimes over the gay thoughts just because its sex? do i have a sex problem ? do i get horny too much ? do i masturbate too much?

if i was to be gay when cant i just stop saying i am not gay and not want a woman? is it because i cant accept being gay? if it is that i cant accept being gay then why cant i accept it if i am gay ? if i am gay and cant accept me then there must be a reason why i cant accept me and the reason could be because i am not gay?

i feel like i have ton punish myself and put myself through these unwanted gay things in my mind for some reason

i feel forced to act on these gay things KNOWING its not what i want and KNOWING it will upset me so it forces me to wanna do it

why would i get erect sometimes of have some good feeling off gay thoughts ? is it because its something different? is it because its not what you want so it makes you have good feelings over them? ( i dont even know if i have good feelings about them )

i have good feelings over girls yet i dont feel the need to go over and over and over and over them like its not something i want

being able not to put all the thoughts aside and loving a girl again makes me wanna curl up and cry

even when people say its ocd your not gay its not enough ? doesnt convince me, makes me then think i want these thoughts when i think its quite clear i dont,

what if i am scared to never have these thoughts never have this anxiety and ocd etc again because i am scared to feel normal? because of having anxiety for so many years?

everything is just a complete joke everything is confusing its like i dont know what i want yet its a girl not a man i want but its still confusing ?

Edited by sigh1

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Sigh you need some support from a professional who can help you change your response to these thoughts and deal with them differently. You're in the grip of OCD right now and like it does, OCD is winning the arguments right now.

Keep that appointment with your GP next week and start the ball rolling towards dealing with this. It's a hard slog but you can do this

Take Care

Caramoole :)

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hi sigh,

the sort of thing you are doing here is the exact sort of thing that will make your ocd worse.

it's so, so difficult to stop with compulsions such as ruminating, checking, rationalizing, researching, asking for reassurance, and so on, but if you keep doing these things the ocd will get worse - unless you change the way you react to the thoughts, they will never stop plaguing you. it's incredibly hard but it can be done. lots of people go on to fully recover from ocd and none of them manage it by trying to out-argue ocd. it can't be done.

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thanks for replys both, yes it is hard just masturbating then and as i saw a picture of a girl and penis and i had in my head am i more interested in the penis that the girl or would i want a man with the penis in his mouth instead of the girl, because its not gay things i want and not want to be gay am i getting these thoughts because i dont want them so its making me think i do ? also i ask myself would i wanna grab the penis and put it in my mouth which no i wouldnt but i feel like something wants me to say yes and make me feel like i do ? like wants me to act on the thoughts,

i never really masturbate over a man and woman its mostly either lesbians or solo girls but even the lesbian porn has now put stuff in my head making me think well these are actually being gay so why dont i be gay just things like that, is it ocd or am i just gay ? i want a girl not a man yet i feel i cant have a girl and i know i couldnt enjoy being in a relationship with a girl yet because of the thoughts i get

but i did end up masturbating over a girl because of her bum

Edited by sigh1

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I agree with gingerbreadgirl, you really need to stop analysing the thoughts and the situation and accept that it is the OCD manifesting in that way - it is not you or your personality, but the OCD. They are two separate things.

I also think you need to talk to your GP about this because believe me you won't get anywhere analysing. No matter how much you try and rationalise it, work it out, make it make sense in your head, get your thoughts to be what you want them to be, you can't - because that's the whole point of OCD. It takes over a part of your thinking - which isn't you - and gives you thoughts that aren't really yours. It doesn't mean anything, it's like bad wiring or something and you really do need to accept that and then find out how to manage it, rather than trying to reason with the unreasonable. I do get inappropriate images in my head sometimes, but I have been able to accept they aren't what I think, what I want or what I define myself by. They are the illness playing up and appearing in my head (one of the many ways it manifests itself for me) - and I just think of it as that. I don't like it, I don't like any of the obsessions, compulsions or rituals I have, but once you accept it's not "you" it's the OCD, then it does start to be more manageable.

I'm not being harsh, but if you do carry on trying to reason it out you won't be able to and it will make you feel worse. And you don't need that! It doesn't have to be like that.

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buts its so bothering, right now in my head i saw a girl sucking a penis etc grabbing it etc straight away i get thought do i wanna be grabbing it etc just got out the shower as i am going the asda and for the past 15 minutes or longer i have been saying to myself do i wanna grab a penis and suck it i am saying no over and over feel like crying but i cant cry but when i am saying no it feels like i am lying and do want to, is it ocd making me feel like its real and want to do it ? or am i just gay? it doesnt make me feel excited at all, yet if i was to deeply think about it i think i would prob get feelings i dont want its weird its like its taking my breath away, is it ocd? i am saying no to the thought but i keep going over and over, i even said ye i do want to grab it etc just to change the answer but i said obviously i dont want to what am i supposed to do just ignore it ? if i ignore if that means i am not bothered about it but it does bother me ... is it ocd ? does ocd make things like this real ? does it make you think ya lying to yourself?

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sigh, I don't mean this to sound harsh, but you're not listening to the things people are saying to you. There is no amount of reassurance we can give you that would ever be enough, all we can do is give you some advice or support that will hopefully help. You need to stop analysing like this.

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gingerbreadgirl is right, no amount of reassurance is going to help because the OCD will keep the images in your head. Re-read the advice that has been given here and really listen to what people are suggesting.

Professional help is the way forward - if you do this, then you will get to a point where you'll see where we are coming from

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i am listening sorry, what i am asking though is it ocd that will make you think you are lying about something even though you say no to the thoughts ? does it play with your mind? etc

not long got in from getting my haircut and when i check out woman i feel like crying or just giving up because i see something i like ( a girl ) yet cant fully feel happy or anything because of the thoughts i have, also i had 2 horrible thoughts one was a black and a white man got off the bus and i had a thought of the white man having sex with this black man and i was like in my head oh noo noo noooo stop this and squinting my face up for a second then 1 minute later after i got off the bus a man was sweating and i had a thought of hes just humped by another man its just annoying, when i see a girl i like am like ye i want someone like that nice sized breats nice **** nice thighs etc yet it feels like i cant have this, i am coping with no medication really i have nothing through the day and the tablet i take of a night does nothing its like i am just taking a sweet

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I used to have this kind of ocd a long time ago. For me, what beat is the four steps. Recognise you're never going to get enough reassurance and it's pointless engaging in the process of trying to work it out. It's just ocd. Maybe try accepting the fact you might be gay just as an exposure exercise. I did this. I am not gay, but still accepted the possibility I might be. When I realised the thoughts were just thoughts, then it is easier to ignore them. Allow a bit of uncertainty and live with the discomfort.

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can anyone answer the above? sorry again and i am listening,

also was just on the phone to the network 3 about a bill and listening to the music then on hold and the song with the words i need you i need you more than anything darling butter cup dont break my heart and i was thinking of the next girl i get and i tried crying but couldnt but i get hairs standing up on me, also the bob marley song could this be loveeeee making loveeeeee i think the words were, also while i was thinking this about a girl things were trying to spoil that by bringing in a man/gay thought

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