will this anxiety ocd etc go ? (some sexual content)

[Guest sigh1]

it all feels real, how are you supposed to know whats ocd and whats real? i dont even know if my feelings are good or bad, it may be easy for others to forget the thoughts or not go over them but for me this is a strong thing in my life being gay or straight may not feel to others its the most important thing but for me it is, you see men and girls everyday whether its out about or on telly or whatever when i see a man its straight away do i like him would i do this or that, if i picture myself with a girls its what about a man would i want that, because i have had gay experiences it must mean i am gay or something because i may of liked it in the past which is regret doing but doesnt feel like i regret it it makes me feel like i like the thoughts now, why do i get aroused? ocd cant do that, what if its just my testicles tingling and moving because of fear? so i feel aroused? what if its not though? this is a big thing for me more than big its life or death now that may feel over the top or he is saying this because its ocd its not its me i dont wanna be gay i dont want these thoughts, when i see a girl now i just wanna cry etc it hurts me so much to feel like that, i am a stubborn person and if nothing is perfect then its wrong, so because i have gay thoughts its for a reason so maybe that reason is because i like men i hate saying that but it may be true but i will never accept it even if it is true, so saying i wanna die this means this **** means so much to me and hurts me so much, i cannot go over it and i will have to go over it and over and over and over i cant help it i could be one of them people who actually cant leave the thoughts alone i could be one of the hardest people to cure if its ocd, like i said people may think oh some young person isnt sure if he is gay or straight or he has gay thoughts but i think about killing people to me its worse or the same thats how i think of it i think of this as the worst ocd ever, even the people who cant wash or turn things off may feel thats worst,

how am i gonna be ok or fine? you people are telling me what the therapist is gonna say and its not possible if i feel i would get in bed with a man or do things with a man or let him do things to me and it bothers me so much yet it feels like i get aroused by it how is it possible for me to say oh ok wait a second lets stop this is ocd or wait 5 10 15 minutes then the next time wait a minute longer and so on, thats not gonna help thats not getting rid of the thoughts feelings etc, when i see a girl i wanna cry how can i possible say oh wait this is ocd so everything is gonna be ok and i am supposed to feel great? its not possible its within a second or even quicker than a second i just wanna cry when that happens when i see a girl, when i see a man i cant just look i do try and just look and not think oh do i like him would i do that, but then when i dont do that its like i am avoiding it so i must be hiding something so i need to continue i have read things in this forum and read the links, nothing helps and its going to be a waste of time going to this therapist because hes only gonna think i am in denial or gay or say things i have heard all before, nothing is going to help me and if i am gay i wont wanna live i will be in a mental home for trying to commit suicide or i will just kill myself if i am not allowed to die, thanks for the help but the help hasnt and cant help me nothing is gonna help me i just feel i am in denial and its me i dont wanna accept if i am gay and i never will never ever and i swear to that i dont wanna be something like that

[Guest sigh1]

and i think its the 25th or 27th i see ths therapist sorry, of this month

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Sigh,

I have been following this thread for a while and just want to say a few things.

it may be easy for others to forget the thoughts or not go over them but for me this is a strong thing in my life

You seem to genuinely think that nobody has ever had OCD has badly as you have it, and that everyone else can quickly and easily deal with their thoughts. If this really was the case, OCD UK wouldn't exist and this forum wouldn't be a hotbed of activity. OCD is hard, you need to accept that.

I'm not meaning to sound harsh, but this thread is going round and round in circles. You have been given all the advice you need to deal with this, and while you claim to be trying to put it into action, there doesn't seem to be evidence of this. You tend to ignore the advice offered and compulsively repeat your fears about being gay; you say that the advice will never work but you need to put the work in. It isn't going to work over night, just like one trip to the gym won't give you a six pack.

I would also respectfully ask that you try and keep control of some of the language you use; I know you are upset and emotional but it is not easy as a gay person to hear such things described as sick, disgusting, worse than murdering, and so on.

Good luck,

GBG

[Caramoole]

As Gingerbread has pointed out, as distressing as your particular OCD is, it's no different than anyone elses and will respond to a psycholgical change in behaviour/thought.

I know that what you're experiencing is very distressing but has Hal has mentioned the very first step is regognising that you have OCD and understanding that the thoughts you're having are very, very common in sufferers. Until you can accept this, you can't take the first step in gaining control of it.

You may like to read this link http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson7.php

Caramoole

[Guest sigh1]

thanks both only just read this and i was on about the man man not girl girl but still it wouldnt be nice for a gay man to read it but i did state i dont mean to cause offence

[Guest sigh1]

for the past few days with me forcing gay thoughts in my head and going through them i have a good few times got an erection, but also sometimes i havent, sometimes it feels real sometimes i know its not what i want, mainly when horny it feels worse because its like i would let anything touch me i suppose, its got to the stage were i dont care but i do a little bit but the thoughts are not stressing me out much its like i have gave up or it could be seen as i know am gay or bi whatever,

when i ask myself things its like if i say ye or no nothing will be better, whatever answer i give feels like i dont really know its like i am that confused i dont know what i want and dont want,

if i am speaking to girls its like its for reassurance or its or i get thoughts in my head like its not what i want

if i think about girls like getting in relationships with them etc i feel down guilty and like i would just be leading them on to were its got to the stage i am actually scared of ever getting serious with a girl now because this stuff is drilled into my head so much now its ruined my life

i sit/lay there thinking about my past gay experiences and saying would i want him etc sucking my etc again sometimes saying no feels i dont sometimes saying no feels i am lying, sometimes i get erections, sometimes i dont, i think of different camera angles like from behind the man while hes sucking me seeing the back of his head going up and down

i literally am just punishing myself i think, now i dont even know whats what and whats wrong, right now i dont care about anything especially life again if everything turns out that i am gay or bi i will be dead or be in a mental home because i will not be living my way like that

the gay thoughts i put myself in do feel good which is not nice to agree but it does yet i dont want the thoughts to feel good, i dont wanna get erections sometimes, i dont wanna have the thoughts at all yet saying that it feels like i want the gay thoughts to happen and like i like them etc but then theres times sometimes straight after them feeling good i think of them again because i go over and over they then feel like i dont want them to happen and feel like i dont like them

everything is a mess, i even had a quick masturbate the thoughts got me erect and i masturbated saying is this really what i want while i am masturbating and had the thoughts in my head only lasted a few seconds, after that i knew it wasnt what i wanted to do but i did it but wasnt stressing about it its got to the stage were whats the point in reacting to it now as its never goin to go away,

i believe i will never ever be better and will be like this for however long i live, i dont want the thoughts yet sometimes it feels like i do, when the thoughts do feel like i wanna do them it feels like i have gave in but i say no its not what i want, if i was to let the gay thoughts be real i know i would regret them,

i just dont know anything anymore, i dont know if this is even ocd or i am actually just gay or bi, but i want girls so people may think am bi but i wont live as a bi i dont wanna like men or do anything with me AT ALL!!!!!!! i just wanna be straight or keep being straight all i want is girls yet i feel like i would want a man doing something to me, everything is confusing yet people will still say oh just ignore the thoughts were its absolutely impossible to do, may not be for you people but for me it is,

all i want is my mind to be at rest with gay things and my gay experiences in the past i want it all to go i wanna be with a girl i want everything to do with a girl, but that just dont feel like that will ever happen again, which absolutely bothers me so much to the point i actually dont wanna live so with me saying i dont wanna live how can people possibly think i am gay or bi? or think i am in denial? if i was gay or bi i wouldnt wanna girl at all i would want men i would be having ocd or anxiety whatever it is over straight stuff not gay stuff, all that seems to be on my mind is men men men men men like people from my past its like i cant have girls on my mind because i need this sorting out, but how do you seriously think i am able to ignore these thoughts or accept these thoughts and go on about my life normal, the thoughts bother me so much and seem real so how is it possible for me to say oh ok then yes i do want him sucking my etc or oh ok thats a stupid thought its not real ignore it, i have tried all this even if its for 1 minute 5 minutes etc i have still tried yet people think i dont listen or dont try i do try i do listen i have tried but its failed,

even on random times if i get a yoghurt and the thoughts are in my head as i am walking back upstairs i am stabbing myself in the stomach with a spoon a few times, i have actually punched myself hard in the stomach a few times, its either am in denial or its ocd yet i am unable to decide whats what,

if the time ever comes and i get thoughts in my head like i want a man to suck my etc what if i got hard at that moment actually didnt want to do it and walked away ? how does that label me? if i got hard does that mean i am gay? but if i walked away does that make me straight? see thats confusing, i actually feel i may have something worse than this anxiety or ocd because i literally do not feel normal,

guess what happened few days ago saw a little young lad about 12 or whatever and guess what happened pictured him sucking my etc absolutely great isnt it, but ye wait lets hang on lets just ignore that like it never happend or even better lets agree with it to try and make the thought go away,

i am being sarcastic yes but in others words i cant or the things suggested to do dont work for me, if i was to die i wouldnt have this bother, also anxiety ocd does not go away your thoughts do not go away they get easier yes thing is they dont go away and thats what bothers me the thoughts are always there so they are always gonna ruin my life, everyone if they even read this will think oh this is just ocd or anxiety talking but literally its not its me speaking about my anxiety and ocd or whatever it is,

also because i got erections over the thoughts more or less means i am gay doesnt it? like i said above if a man wanted to suck my etc and i felt like i did but walked away how does that label me? gay because i felt like i did? but not gay because i walked away? people can say well no ya not gay because ya didnt let it happen, but if i felt i wanted him to then whats the answer to that? ocd or just in denial and didnt let it happen?

i think its just the fact that my etc is getting sucked that makes me get the erection but then again the gay thoughts have a man in obviously so i know its a man doing it, i also feel i get off on the thought because i really dont want it to happen or i know its not what i want but because its not what i want i feel like doing it just because its not what i want so getting off on something you dont wanna do could be the answer but that again makes me messed up in the head maybe i am just a freak,

end of the day i want girls and only girls, that is what i want but which is killing me now is what i am gonna say now, we all want to be a millionaire but we arnt, so with me wanting girls and only girls may be something i cant have just like i cant be a millionaire, now that really hurts me right now i have goosebumps, i just cant believe this has happened to me

[Guest sigh1]

by the way i didnt see the therapist as i phoned up asking to cancel it as i didnt sleep much that night and was tired so could deal with it on that day, i havent heard nothing since i should phone up asking if there is another appointment booked but dont seem to want to or the depression and everything else is just holding me back

[Guest sigh1]

well just wanna tell everyone my life is gonna be over soon either dead or in a mental home, was goin through the gay thoughts etc getting erect sometimes and sometimes not, twice i reassured myself i dont want them happening but it always kept creeping up on me, anyway i remembered one of the gay experiences went through it in my head and i get a full erection and i wanted to masturbate and my body went all tense and i heated up but obviously i must of been liking the thought to get aroused and get erect anyway i could of masturbated to it but i didnt want to, so i more or less know i am gay or bi but to me its still the same and its not what i want so i wanna die or if i cant i will look up on the internet and swallow some poison or probably be locked in a mental home, pointless thinking about girls and talking to girls now as its not gonna happen i cant have what i want, theres no getting around this now i am obviously gay or bi after getting erect so many times which kills me but thats how it is,

i ended up masturbating as i need to and i thought of a sheep seeing as though i dont wanna **** over men and pointless masturbating over a women as its not gonna be something i can have or wont let myself have if i seem to be some kind of bi thing, theres no chance on this earth i am gonna live as a gay or bi man theres no chance at all, dont waste your time telling me oh its ok to be ok if it was i wouldnt be thinking like this now would i? so gonna phone up the doctors tomorrow for an emergency appointment and tell my doctor what happened and that i dont wanna live

i cant be bothered fighting these thoughts now its so confusing and i can do without the bother i am really really screwed in the head something completely wrong with me i cant believe my life is going to come to an end either way

bye

[Guest sigh1]

just told the girl who likes me everything told her to go speak to someone else who isnt messed up in the head, i feel like crying i am going to look up on the net on how to die peacefully right now so i always know how to incase i never need it

[Guest legend]

just told the girl who likes me everything told her to go speak to someone else who isnt messed up in the head, i feel like crying i am going to look up on the net on how to die peacefully right now so i always know how to incase i never need it

you need to speak to a professional if you feel this way sigh

whats happening cbt wise / and what about meds ?

[Guest sigh1]

am gonna phone doctors for emergency appointment tomorrow, i also posted above saying i didnt end up going to the therapist as i was tired and wasnt up for the questions having had hardly no sleep so canceled it

[Guest legend]

am gonna phone doctors for emergency appointment tomorrow, i also posted above saying i didnt end up going to the therapist as i was tired and wasnt up for the questions having had hardly no sleep so canceled it

yes understandable mate, but you've got to roll up those sleeves and get there and lets get challenging the ocd

you've got to change that response to those dreaded horrid feelings mate, its difficult indeed , but it will and can be done

[Guest sigh1]

i am getting erect to the thoughts, i feel like i would let it happen again, i wont live my life as a gay person

[Guest legend]

i am getting erect to the thoughts, i feel like i would let it happen again, i wont live my life as a gay person

nothing wrong with being erect is there ?

[Guest sigh1]

nothing wrong with being erect is there ?

getting erect to gay things for ME yes it is wrong, yet feels like i like it, i dont wanna be gay i dont want gay things happening to me yet feels like i do when i am in that worrying zone or when i am questioning saying do i want him sucking my etc, i get thoughts like i will get turned on if a man speaks and looks like a girl, all i want is be with a girl nothing else

[Guest legend]

yes but theres nothing wrong with it, unless you have ocd

[Guest sigh1]

no there is something wrong with it, i dont want it, yet saying this feels a lie but why would i say i dont want it if its a lie? but i have an answer for that too maybe i could be in denial? i cant believe this

[Guest sigh1]

also noone seemed to answer my above questions in my big post i guess noone has answers for them... i cant even show my doctor stuff from off here as i take pictures and its that small he cant read them

[Guest sigh1]

Submitted by emerson on Fri, 2012-04-13 06:31

The guy on emptycloset isn't correct.

A lot of straight guys masturbate sometimes to gay porn, or transexual porn, or while we're at it all sorts of other porn. It has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

It has to do with what gets the brain aroused, the deep lizard brain that craves novelty. It's an addiction like drugs, and it escalates in some guys so only the "forbidden" stuff gets them off.

It's like this. Assume you were 100% really okay if you were gay. You were fine with that. Then gay porn wouldn't be a big deal to you, and although you might masturbate to it, you wouldn't think anything of it. And it probably wouldn't have the draw it does now.

It's stimulating because it's wrong and forbidden.

What you resist, persists.

By resists, I mean the worse thing your mind can come up with is "you must be gay" and your mind fights that so hard that it persists.

I used to think that masturbation fantasies were our "real" orientation but I have found this is not true. It is just that what is forbidden and new gets us off after awhile when the "normal" stuff doesn't, and the more we get off, the more we work in a mental groove, like a groove on a road, that reinforces that behavior.

But it isn't fundamentally our orientation.

Here is what you need to do. Quit all masturbation, all porn of every kind. Quit all fantasy as best you can. Study rebooting accounts here and on YourBrainOnPorn.com. And your brain will reboot and rewiring will take place.

Expect your mind to object and say "you're gay" and "you need to test this out by masturbating and seeing if you get aroused" but just don't do it. Just don't. Expect the thoughts and when they appear, say "yep, that's what I knew would happen." Those thoughts just appear, they aren't you, and you just have to be patient, expect gay/doubting thoughts, and just don't fantasize, use porn, or masturbate...and things will be fine and you'll start gaining more confidence like you never imagined.

is that right?

[Guest legend]

the key is to ask gp for referral for cbt sigh

Then you discuss with therapist your concerns

no there is something wrong with it, i dont want it, yet saying this feels a lie but why would i say i dont want it if its a lie? but i have an answer for that too maybe i could be in denial? i cant believe this

I have erections and groinal responses to diff things. does that bother me ? no

does it bother you ? yes

why ?

because you have ocd

and because it happens, you are in a state of fear

so you check and keep checking and looking for certainty

when you change the way you are responding, the better and easier it will become

the thread really now isn't helping

[Guest sigh1]

its always gonna bother me though, i never got so many erections about the thoughts until this week

[Guest sigh1]

also the thread may not be helping but neither is anything helping me

[Guest legend]

its always gonna bother me though, i never got so many erections about the thoughts until this week

got to stop testing mate. got to stop looking for certainty. its difficult it is, but if you keep looking for clarity , the ocd gets bigger

cbt , and self help

By posting in theory is only fuelling the ocd. if it is a reassurance seeking question

tomorrow if I drive past a horse and get intrusive thoughts I want sex with it, and get a groinal response, what advice would you offer me ?

Edited October 3, 2013 by legend

[gingerbreadgirl]

I'm gay, completely and 100% gay and always have been. But occasionally, I get thoughts about men; sometimes I even get off on that. But it doesn't change my orientation, they're just random thoughts that everyone has. All men and women have thoughts about men and women from time to time, but it doesn't change their orientation. The difference between you and me is that I don't let my random thoughts affect me. If I had a thought about a man and thought 'what does it mean? Am I straight? Is my relationship over?' and started going and over it, checking, asking, testing.. then I would probably start to panic like you, to doubt myself, to question reality, and so on. But I don't - I just shrug the thoughts off as meaningless mental guff. This is what you need to learn to do, step by step, very slowly at first - but the first step is to try and stop engaging with the thoughts to the degree you are right now. There isn't anybody who can help you if you won't try and help yourself. It can be done, and you can get past this, but you need to change the way you're dealing with this, or at least try.

[Guest sigh1]

got to stop testing mate. got to stop looking for certainty. its difficult it is, but if you keep looking for clarity , the ocd gets bigger

cbt , and self help

By posting in theory is only fuelling the ocd. if it is a reassurance seeking question

tomorrow if I drive past a horse and get intrusive thoughts I want sex with it, and get a groinal response, what advice would you offer me ?

get help from a doctor or something