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will this anxiety ocd etc go ? (some sexual content)


Guest sigh1

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Guest icallitmadness

OMG YOU ARE SO NOT LISTENING

All I asked was saying was it's worse to have OCD tell you you were a potential murdered than being gay (EVEN THOUGH NEITHER ARE TRUE FOR EITHER OF US). I don't know if you are willfully missing the point for the sake of the argument any more.

But frankly, if you think homosexuality is a worse thing than murder (EVEN THOUGH YOU AREN'T EVEN GAY) then I don't want to continue this conversation. Good luck.

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not long got back doctor said has made me an appointment to see a psychotherapist so i guess i will get a letter soon when to go over the doctors to see the therapist also got some zopiclone to help sleep at night but to take one then miss a day he said as your body can rely on it and also got another box of lofepramine 70mg i am not back to taking 2 at night, was 2 at the start but got told to take one by another doctor who did my perscription and my doctor said he doesnt know why they did that, so still have nothing for in the day to help me i guess they think i dont need it

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dont think i am gonna take the zopiclone tonight as i am going the match tomorrow and i am drinking 4 cans before the game so will start taking them saturday but will still be continuing my lofepramine as normal

still putting myself through gay situations in my mind as i am trying to work out what it is thats causing it and if i do wanna be gay, mainly i have been saying would i wanna lay a girl on my bed and have sex with her my answer is yes, so i say do i wanna lay a man on my bed and put my penis in his anus and have sex with him and i feel all tight inside like a scared feeling and just cant believe i am putting myself through this now these feelings i have been wondering if its excitement but i think i know for sure its not excitement but what i dont understand is why when i have put myself in gay situations in my head why have i sometimes gone semi erect? can this be caused by nervousness about the thoughts? or basically do you get an erection because you like or like the thought of something? alot of the time i feel my testicles moving i can feeling them moving and they dont scrunch up everything is just hanging and my penis doesnt go hard or semi erect it just goes a bit bigger i think

i never message men on chat sites

i never look for me on chat sites

i only masturbate over girls

i only ever look for girls on chat sites

i only message girls on chat sites

when i see a mans picture i look and say do i like the look of him i say no yet this is not enough for the thought to go away so it makes me repeat like over 10 times

sometimes when i fight the thoughts i feel am i just fighting it because its true but i only fight it because its not what i want to think or do yet inside me feels like it is what i want to do ever though i dont, i actually may not have a feeling of wanting to do it it could just be ocd making me think this and want to repeat everything again

i get so angry and lash out sometimes of the thoughts i get and put myself through and having to repeat them, when it comes to things like would i want a man to suck my penis or would i suck a mans penis its not straight forward i have to stop and start again or top sigh tense up grind my teeth and say it over again yet before today i have got erect once i think and semi erect sometimes but not that much over the the thoughts which upset me and make me angry no more its not a satisfying feeling, to think i couldnt be with a girl ever again really upsets me because its something i want which something is trying to make me not able to do this, where as i would never ever want to be with a man, thinking about what i am saying my testicles are moving and i dunno why maybe its because i am nervous so possibly or the answer could be my testicles etc move because i am nervous ?

dreading the pyschotherapist to end up saying i am gay or something

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trying to get answers, i am listening noone has answered could being nervous cause erections or semi erections or testicles to move, this is cringing to ask but feel i need to ? sorry .... also i did post about what happened today to keep people informed

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what should i do when talking to a girl in a naughty way or just kissing her for then have a thought in your head come in and make ya try and think about kissing a man? or when masturbating your thinking of past sex or future sex then men come in like ya mind is trying to play tricks and as your mastubrating men come in your head not that you are or want to think about them they are there and you shake them off is it best to ignore them or what? i just say **** off when they are there

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no i dont think so, its what i want and choose to do, i choose to do it over women not men, seems like it looks like people are begining to think i could just be gay?

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actually worried now that people may actually think i am gay so this is what is understand why would i feel worried anxious etc about it if i was ?

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seems like it looks like people are begining to think i could just be gay?

No, not at all Sigh, that's OCD talking at you.

I was just a bit concerned that you were using masturbation as a form of checking rather than for pleasure. I'm still not (completely) convinced that there isn't an element of compulsion in there.

If you want to carry on with the same level of pleasuring, you have to be ready for the OCD thoughts that arise. You have to prime yourself so that when the gay/OCD fears hit you, you are ready to acknowledge them as an OCD, intrusive thought....and at that point, to try your best not to enter into any form of debate or rumination with the anxious, doubtful thoughts that will inevitably arise.

Caramoole :)

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if i feel i wanna **** i just do it because its what i feel like, been trying to ignore the thoughts but cant all the time, when i see men its like i fancy them or its like do i fancy him etc but i just tell myself it a ocd thought etc

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i have been listening i have sometimes been saying its just my ocd, but what can ya do when ya need to go over and over thoughts etc ? what can ya do when it makes ya feel like ya lying to yaself? what can ya do when it makes ya feel like ya wanna be something ya dont wanna be?

was in the shower last night and got a gay clip from years back from a tv show years back in my head it was on my mind all that night and woke up at half 5 in the morning half asleep and my ocd anxiety mind whatever it was carried on so then took me about half an hour or so to get back asleep so woke up horrible like a hangover ( but i hadnt drank ) just that ruff feeling knowing you had a bad sleep, anyway what i have been going over all day is i am not gay i want girls not men, i dont want anything to do with a man sexually dont wanna be with a man dont wanna touch a man dont wanna grab his penis suck his penis anything like that dont wanna man doing the stuff to me dont wanna have sex with a man etc, yet on some of the things i say i dont wanna do i stop half way through as if its too hard to go through or something but then have to start over agen and agen etc etc or have to repeat the whole thing again incase it didnt sound right or wasnt good enough or wasnt enough to say oh ok or just SOMETHING!!

punched myself in the heart before been trying to keep in my anger all day so far not hit any walls or anything, what i have been saying is i know what i want and what i dont want what i want is girls what i dont want is men straight after that i get a horrible feeling inside me like i am lying so have to go over it again and again, so like i said i have sometimes been saying oh its just ocd talking sometimes i have been saying this is the last time i am going over this **** and i try not to but when it feel like ya lying what can ya do? why give in ? yes going over and over doesnt help either but giving in will make ya think its worked and thats what you are, WHAT THE **** can i do ? i cant win either way its ******* joke, this is while i am trying to play my PS3 yet 3 times i have had to take headset off sit back and go over this BULL, even when i was masturbating thoughts of men i have saw or something have scared me in the past have been trying to get in my head but i say **** off to them and stop touching myself until they go so this isnt me masturbating over men because i stop and say **** off i dont get enjoyment over it, this is my mind noone elses so why does it feel the need to mess and trick my mind? why? whats the answer? going over this or just ignoring it ( trying to ignore it ) doesnt help either way

sorry for swearing, sometimes i just wanna pick everything up throw it and smash everything just lash out and go mad nothing is helping .... felt weird earlier on aswell my past bothering me so much as ya know a long time ago years back i had gay things happen to me but nothing to the point were my penis went into another mans anus and vice verser, i say to myself ye i did things in the past mistakes which i regret and they will never happen again ( yes at the time i did enjoy it ) but its ruined my life ever since so ye my past has been bothering me today too like i cant forget about it, so what exactly am i supposed to do if ya cant ignore it all the time or it makes ya feel like you want to be something you dont want to be, or things from your past from like over 5 years ago or even longer come in your head like it was only last week or recently that you just wanna forget ...... this is all just too much, i wanna be happy with a girl ( when i find the right girl for me ) i wanna enjoy life

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Hi sigh :original:

I'm sorry things are still pretty rough at the moment, can I ask you something?

Do you accept that you have OCD, deep down have you taken on board that you have the condition and what that means for you?

I think a lot of people in the early stages of getting to grips with how OCD works and how it's affecting them, have doubts - but I can give you a cast iron guarantee based on all you've written that we all know you're coping with this nasty, frightening condition.

There's a lot that's cruel about OCD, but one of the cruellest aspects of it, is how we can spot it at work in someone else within a nanosecond but when the anxiety's high and we're in the middle of a full blown OCD episode ourselves it can be incredibly difficult to see OCD for the liar it is.

All of us could keep suggesting what's already been recommended to help you for the next couple of months - but the one thing you've got to do is work at accepting that all this distress and anguish around being gay is being caused by OCD.

The thoughts themselves aren't the problem, they're a normal part of a normal healthy mind - everyone and I mean everyone will have experienced the same types of thought you're grappling with.

There's only one difference between them, you and me - we both have OCD that distorts what those thoughts are, they're nothing, they have no basis in fact and mean nothing about our desires or who we are.

I'm not asking you to be 100% sure that that's true, but to stand any chance of beating this bully you have to take a leap of faith that what we're suggesting you do is the right way to tackle this - no one beats OCD by being able to see it clearly and then putting into practise all that's been suggested.

OCD doesn't work like that, we, you, have to work at ignoring the thoughts, ignoring the urge to check your physical reactions etc and then, very very gradually if you can keep doing that, you'll gain what we all want - a glimmer of insight to see that OCD's the cause of your pain and that the doubts and fears around being gay aren't real or valid - they're intrusive.

I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you are in control - none of us can control the thoughts, that's just not possible, but you can change how you're responding to them, take some of that frustration and anger you're feeling and utilize it against the OCD.

Next time the thoughts pop up - remind yourself you suffer from OCD but you're not going to let it get the better of you, treat it like the bully it is and ignore the thought, go for a run, play a track, call a mate - anything that's going to allow you to give your attention to it rather than the thoughts.

You can do this sigh, but accept you have OCD and accept you have what it takes to win this war.

Hal

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thanks for the reply, i dunno whether i accept if its ocd or not sometimes i dont even think what i say makes sense or is even true, feels like i am living a lie or telling a lie, i want girls not men everytime i get a feeling in my head about being with a girl or kissing a girl or something more i get in my head what about a man or would i want a man or get thoughts or feelings in my head of wanting a man instead it annoys me, when i disagree with the gay thoughts it makes me more powerful and acts like an urge like i would do it i think? i cant explain it, but i also have a doubt in my mind sometimes am i gay but just cant accept it but if i was gay i would enjoy the thoughts i would disagree with my true feelings for women if i wanted men, what is hard for me is to realise a male is good looking yet i dont want that to come in my head i dont wanna think oh hes has good lucks so what i dont want that i just wanna be able to look and have no thoughts in my head, even when i have a laugh with a male or i answer a question correct that a man has answered or just getting along FRIENDLY like someone on the PS3 on my headset i get good feelings but my attention goes down to my penis and the feeling goes there and i dunno why, just getting along with a male cant be just getting along its gotta be something sexually or i must like that man or something its just too much so basically feels i cant half a laugh or something with a male without getting unwanted feelings about do i like him etc,

i have no doubts or anxiety when it comes to girls i wouldnt think twice about kissing a girl letting a girl touch me getting down to sexual stuff etc etc its what i want, yet when i think that way towards a girl or just kiss a girl and i think about this in my head its like i cant have that because its what i want and will make me happy straight away gay stuff comes in my head to spoil it, like when i check a girl out if she has a nice **** or looks nice etc straight away its gotta be turnt into something gay with my mind and spoils everything and i think why is this and i get upset then and angry

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As Hal says, there comes a point where your have to take a leap of faith (despite the doubt) and change the way you respond to those intrusive, disturbing thoughts.

At the moment you're struggling to do that.

Your posts are a form of compulsion, the detail, the need to explain, the repetition (and sorry Sigh, please don't take that personally...it happens with lots of users with different OCD types) it's all a form of self-reassurance, an attempt to convince yourself and others.

You have my absolute and utter sympathy for how you're feeling right now, it is awful, absolutely awful....but the only way forward is to change our behaviours and response to the thought when it strikes. Fighting the thought doesn't work.

Caramoole :)

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with having this gay ocd for a long time now after going through so many things so much stress so much anger so much hurt etc with it being in my mind so much and having all thoughts in my head going through things in my head i feel brain washed or something, it all seems cemented in my head to were it feels real yet i still fight or i still ignore sometimes and say its ocd and try forget it, but i cant look at another man now without getting feelings as if i am either checking him out or checking to see if i like that man or getting feelings as if i like that man or something, right now i was reading something on the internet its a newspaper page and theres 2 men on there, they might have good looks yet why cant it be left at that? i dont wanna say yes they do have good looks as its not what i wanna be saying or thinking so thats why i say might its for others to judge like women or men that actually fancy men, why cant it just be left at maybe they have good looks ? why cant i just notice a man and then leave it as that? i have to dwell on it NOT because i like to stair at men because its NOT what i want to do its just me and this ocd again which is sometimes hard to shrug off alot of the time, maybe because that man might have good looks because he might have good looks that automatically makes me panic and suggest i like that man so thats were my anxiety and ocd kicks in so then because i am panicking etc the ocd anxiety kicks in to make me believe its what i want ? this all sounds very true yet because it may sound very true and could be quite well the case it cant be right as i get the negative **** in my mind to suggest no thats not right at all

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Sigh, can I ask if you've asked for any help? (sorry if this has already been covered in this thread!).

If you haven't, or are on a waiting list to be seen by a therapist, can I recommend a book by Dr. Schwartz called 'Brain Lock'? I'm about half way through this book now, and it's helped me immensely to recognise when you're having an OCD thought, and to relabel it as such.

I think as other posters have tried to explain, you're stuck in a massive OCD vortex at the moment, and it's to an extent that you're not taking on board what everyone has been trying to tell you. I can't remember if it was Hal or Caramoole that commented that even your posts on here are very typical of an OCD sufferer going through a big spike.

I don't want to discourage you from using the forum, but continual rumination, assurance seeking (by yourself or by others), and repetition aren't going to help you at all. In fact it will feed the hungry beast that is OCD.

Take care hun :)

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yet why cant it be left at that?

It could be left at that sigh and at some point you will be able to just let the thoughts be there w/o questioning them, but and it's a big but, you've got to change how you're responding to the thoughts mate, as much as all of us here would like to shoulder some of the work for each other - each of us have to put what we have to do into practise and reap the rewards.

It's normal to notice if someone's attractive, our brain's are just hard wired that way - straight women recognise another woman's beauty, gay men recognise a woman's beauty, straight men recognise another blokes attractiveness, but that doesn't mean they're actually attracted to them sexually or emotionally.

Without OCD playing it's vicious, twisted games, you'd still be aware if another man's good looking, but you'd think 'yeah so what, that thought doesn't say anything about my sexuality, it's just a thought' you'd let the thought then go and carry on doing whatever you were doing before the thought popped up.

i have to dwell on it NOT because i like to stair at men because its NOT what i want to do its just me and this ocd again,

But you don't have to dwell on it, I know it feels like you do, but genuinely you don't - only the OCD's making you feel you have to, but you do have a choice sigh, that's what we're all trying to help you understand, however bad the anxiety, you can decide how to react to the thought..........

..........pay attention to it and as Mrsp says you'll be feeding a ravenous beast that's insatiable or starve it to death by refusing to give it what it wants and refocus on something else.

Stay strong sigh, you will get through this and see the OCD for the liar it is, but please have a think about what we're suggesting.

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