will this anxiety ocd etc go ? (some sexual content)

[Hal]

i do say to the thoughts get out my head or leave it dont go over it or say its ocd etc but cant do it all the time because its like i need to know is it what i want or do i like it and sometimes it feels like i do but it stresses me out, its like things i dont like or i know are wrong or something its like i get a kick out of it ? so theres something up with me mentally,

The thing is sigh, this comes back to what we were saying last week about accepting you have OCD, unfortunately for you and the rest of us here we do have a mental illness, the OCD. I know it's difficult accepting our brain's aren't working as well as everyone else's, but unless we accept we have the condition we can't really take the next step and try to overcome it.

There's nothing to be ashamed about, some people's bodies let them down, for others unfortunately it's the brain - I honestly feel if you can get over this hurdle of accepting OCD's affecting you, you'll begin to notice a difference in how you're feeling.

Try not to argue with the thoughts or banish them, engaging with them's gonna make them stick around and bother you more, try to sit with the anxiety and ignore the need to know for sure - it's incredibly difficult to do that, I know it is, but as Caramoole said a couple of days ago, we've all got to keep implementing what we know to gradually gain ground.

I know you can do this sigh, have the long goal in sight - you'll reach it if you refuse to give this vicious disorder more fuel with your attention.

[Guest sigh1]

will keep trying, my appointment is on the 25th sept

[Guest legend]

will keep trying, my appointment is on the 25th sept

that's the spirit sigh . its never ever easy, but we have to be brave and change.

full support from all of us

[Guest sigh1]

thanks, things are still the same, even all day today when i was in town getting clothes etc

[Caramoole]

Try not to be disheartened, all of this is normal in OCD. It takes time.

Have you made any changes to how you're trying to handle this Sigh, or are you just enduring it.

For the OCD to change, we have to make changes in our behaviour, in our response when the thoughts strike. Do you think you've managed to make some small changes?

Caramoole

[Guest sigh1]

no not at all, soon as i wake to turn over in bed or i wake and i am half asleep and wanna go back asleep its there and seems even more real i think thats because i am half asleep?

also laying in bed earlier and the thoughts were making me frustrated the thoughts make me feel frustrated and want to masturbate in the end i had to masturbate as it had to be done obviously was not over gay things but why would that make me frustrated to were i felt i had to mastubrate? once you feel like you masturbate its like anything would get you off i even put a picture of a dog in my mind and also a sheep and i would rather have sex with a sheep than a man

the thoughts seem so real and its like i am just in denial now yet i get really fed up and just wanna punch myself in the stomach and belly which i have done before and also my thigh, so when it feels so real yet i get angry to were i wanna just hit myself or just wanna die i think well that even proving i am not gay or its because i wont let myself be gay.....

i have been putting myself in real detail about having sex with a man and i touch myself to see if my penis grows and mainly it only grows when i touch it sometimes i never wanna go hard when thinking of these gay thoughts never, yet it has happened before in the past

sometimes its so hard i just need to keep going over and over the same stuff until i feel its enough or feels right for me to move on and let me do whatever then like play my game or whatever

also my past experience with what a male did to me has been in my mind i have been going through that loads of times its felt like i would want him doing it again but also a few times i have moved on when its felt i have said it enough and said no enough to it yet it comes back

so it really bothers me that what if i actually am gay? or even bi ? i dont wanna be anything but straight, there was a feeling few days back were just thinking of a girl and being with her felt so good i prayed and said yes keep this feeling i have this is what i want and this is me

saw a girl today after getting some wood for me fish tank from the fish shop she had a nice bottom yet i felt sad after noticing like its not what i want or its something i cant have as in something stopping me from wanting and liking girls

its just confusing that my testicles move or tingle my penis grows a small bit sometimes over these gay thoughts i get? so anyone reading that it must come across to them like i am gay yet i wanna hit myself or just wanna die because of these thoughts? i would hope my testicles move or tingle is to do with fear or its just ocd making this happen yet its hard to believe that ocd could do that?

i feel guilty if i was to get with a girl with me having these thoughts in my head, when i see pictures or men or on the tv i still feel worried and its like do i like him etc etc would i do this and that what i kiss him etc

i am just confused but know i want girls not men yet i dont know because i still have these thoughts i am still putting myself in gay situations like a test but i know its girls i want even this long sentence doesnt even make sense

[Guest sigh1]

i also cant say things 3 times and keep it as 3 times or have 3 things at once etc which i know that is ocd yet the gay thoughts dont feel like ocd just feels like i just wont accept them or feels like i would do them but try not to make them happen

Edited September 13, 2013 by sigh1

[Guest sigh1]

so when it feels like something is stopping me from being happy with girls thoughts or wanting to be with a girl kiss a girl etc that could be ocd playing with me and with the gay thoughts feeling real thats ocd playing with me too so it feels like they are tangled yet i cant see it as that or just accept that and then everything is ok,

if it comes to the point were people i go and see end up saying i am gay i dont wanna live and i will tell them that when i see them in 2 weeks, yet saying i dont wanna live makes me feel sad as for when my mum and dad go my sister would have noone then if i was to die well she wouldnt have a brother, also i couldnt look after my fish or see our dog or play the ps3 etc yet i cant live with the fact that i could be gay or live with a man yet with me saying these things why are the thoughts feeling real? so no wonder it feels like nothing makes sense or i am going crazy theres something in my head seriously wrong, still the thoughts are there still after every message i stare and i say do i want a man on top of me etc and i am picturing my penis in him and just seeing his penis or his penis layin on me while hes on top and all this isnt making me disgusted when it should be

like i said its like the things i really dont want are making me believe and feel its what i want and like, i have never had sex with a man so why am i getting urges or these thoughts in my head that i cant stop and making me frustrated and i dont wanna say horny but i feel like i need to masturbate just to release the stress so maybe its not the thoughts that are making me horny its just the stress i need to release after going over and over and over things

like i say sometimes after a long while i say no and thats it it feels like i dont want to do the thoughts but then it doesnt last, maybe thats ocd making me feel ok things are fine now but then the thoughts i get are actually real and then they bother me etc etc so maybe its not ocd the gay thought i am getting and the ocd is making me think no its not what i want but then the ocd doesnt last long enough so the real thoughts come back in ? thats another way to think of which is the ocd side

[Guest sigh1]

like right now i am going over the thoughts and i say no to them thats fine but they come back straight away why is that? its like deep down it is what i want or something ?

one of the other thoughts i just said and i said no its not what i want feels great but its gonna come back obviously

[Guest sigh1]

and now with me feeling annoyed upset and anxious i am saying i dont want it and thats it yet why does it make me feel like i like the thought of it sometimes? or do i ? do i just feel like i like the sound of it but actually dont? is the feeling a worrying feeling ?

[Caramoole]

Hi Sigh

I feel really sorry that you're feeling so desperate, as I'm sure everyone here does. We do understand because we've all been there, it's awful.

Sadly, there is nothing anyone can say to make this improve until you accept (no matter how scary) that this is OCD and implement some of the techniques.

It's difficult for people to respond because they will be aware that it won't help to keep offering reassurance and trying to convince you why you aren't gay.

It is so hard, I know.... but you have to start changing the way you react to the thoughts. You've to be ready when the thought strikes so that it doesn't catch you out every time.

We're all here for you but firstly, to improve, you have to accept that these intrusive thoughts are OCD

Caramoole

[Guest sigh1]

thanks i cant stop putting the thoughts in my head i am going over them all the time and they just feel real

[Caramoole]

Relabel the thoughts and try and do something else. Play a computer game, something that occupies your brain for even just a few moments. The thoughts will still be there but you have to choose not to take them at face value. It's because you're trying so hard to work them out, to make them stop, to get angry with them that gives them so much importance and makes them stick all the harder.

Can you identify some of the things you're doing that you shouldn't, that aren't helping?

Caramoole

[Guest sigh1]

not sure what you mean, i just keep putting the thoughts in my head to see if i really like them or not and it makes me think that i do

[Caramoole]

i just keep putting the thoughts in my head to see if i really like them or not

This is a compulsion Sigh, it's a checking behaviour and it's one of the things you're doing that's keeping your OCD Red Hot, on High alert. You keep checking in the hope that you'll think about girls and get turned on and think about blokes and will be repulsed.

You have to stop checking. You've got to work really hard to understand what a compulsion is and how it is affecting you moving forward. I know I've mentioned it before but I also think (a great deal of the time) you use masturbation in the same way.

To change the power of how OCD intrusive thoughts affect us, we have to change our behaviour and our response to the thought. It's action first, results later unfortunately.

The checking is digging the hole deeper and deeper.

Have you read many other areas of the forum? Can you understand the way OCD is able to make us believe thoughts we don't want to have? That's the starting point towards taking our control back.

The power OCD thoughts have over us will only change when we change the way we react to them, that's an unfortunate fact because we hate those thoughts, they scare us beyond belief but I've seen thousands of people on this forum eventually come to that realisation. To move forward despite the doubt, despite the terror and when they have, they find that the power of those thoughts recede and gradually weaken.

Trying to deal with it by checking, by trying to find proof, by trying to have the "right" thoughts isn't working is it? You're highly anxious and very afraid. If you must feel anxious and afraid...feel anxious because you're defying the thoughts, refusing to check, refusing to go over and over things and bit by bit things will improve.

What can you do tomorrow Sigh when the doubts hit? In fact not only "What can you do"....What are you going to try to do to approach this differently?

Come on Sigh.....you can beat this :hug:

Caramoole

[Guest sigh1]

only just read this, today i was out in the cafe and this girl had a nice big **** yet it felt like i didnt want to like it its like this OCD has turnt everything around, i had a thought in my head like i hope i dont see girls as its gonna make me feel hurt like i cant have them but i said no wait a sec i do wanna see them but i hate having this feeling inside that hurts me,

few hours ago i was on a chat app on my phone saw a picture of a so called girl but could tell it was a man yet i was like would i put my penis in that mouth etc and its like i would and i dont like it but saying that do i ? i get feelings of wanting to do it yet then i feel upset angry and stress out sighing or saying grrrrrr tensing my teeth quietly,

also a thought of a past gay experience when i was younger years ago the same person would i want him doing it again so i picture him and think of his lips on it etc and its like i wanna do it and i would check down below and touch it so with me touching it just as in feeling if its going hard thats all because i touched it it would start getting worse like a horny feeling i think so i am just laying there going through these thoughts over and over and i am not wanting it to move or go hard or anything i keep saying that in my head it never went hard it just grew abit mainly when i touched it to check a few times but it feels like that frustration like i need to masturbate, i was already doing it after thinking of that girls **** today i was thinking of girls ***** and stuff but straight away i stopped after a few seconds and all the above happened so i was laying there not continuing to masturbate until i went over the thoughts, so with me saying that its like i am getting pleasure out of this or something? but i just dont wanna masturbate over it and i dont and i wont, because its wrong ( in my eyes ) its like theres just an urge or something to do it, i just dont know, thinking now would i let a man do this etc theres something in my head thats not sure or maybe yet then i just wanna curl up or go through the thoughts and beat it and i get upset and angry so saying that what if its my real thoughts ? and its scary to say that but also saying that why would i be bothered having them kind of thoughts or why would i be saying no to them? or saying i dont want them ?

this ocd has never been this strong for me before ever, or is it just me realising now i am something i never actually knew? and i am shaking my head here i reall hope its ocd, now i have the thought in my head would i let the person from the gay past do it again and i say no but its like theres something there with a unsure or thinking about it kind of feeling, soon as i woke up before after all this it was there again and i felt all anxious and my heart pounding etc, i even think of different camera angles of the person doing it because when ya see girls doing it it just looks naughty in a good way so i put thay gay experience in a the same way and i dont want the feeling but feels like a small bit naughty compared to the girl maybe thats just because the girl looks naughty doing it i dunno ....

i just thought of a porn clip of a girl doing it and i get that feeling that i like it yet it feels the same when i get the unwanted gay thoughts sometimes so now thats making me panic and anxious to then think well maybe everything is no ocd but then why would i be panicking so i musnt be but then theres answer to that what if it what i want yet i dont wanna accept it ? everything is just too much and annoying,

even the shocking sharp feelings i get in my body about the thoughts sometimes or if theres a man and i get thoughts of liking him its the same thoughts when i see girls yet i want to like girls and do not want to like men and dont like them, if these thoughts and feelings werent there everything would be great yet it just worrys me so much if i was just to be gay or even bi but i dont want to be any of them but straight all i want is girls but saying that when i see girls i just feel very upset because these thoughts inside cant let me enjoy seeing girls out and about etc, i am just stuck here

the word in stars is actually a bottom i am on about

Edited September 15, 2013 by sigh1

[Guest sigh1]

now just thinking of that girls bottom the men thoughts are coming in to stop it, thats what upsets me and bothers me so much, now if i say a girls bottom of a mans bottom obviously my answer is girls but something in me is making me think no thats not right or wanting me to say mans bottom or something i dunno what it is inside me well i guess its ocd but theres just something wrong inside me or my head

like this might be too graphic but i wanna eat a girl without no question yet a comparsion is there like if a mans thing was right infront of my would i want that and it scares me but makes me think i would end up doing it because its like am forced or something i dont know

Edited September 15, 2013 by sigh1

[Guest sigh1]

i just cant get it out of my head its too much, what if its just ocd making me feel like its true and what i want ? probably stupid question as people say it is but why would i feel like i get turnt on by it or maybe its not me getting turnt on its a feeling inside thats making me feel that way but why would my testicles tingle or move, saying that its just feels like i tense up and get anxious i can feel it inside but my testicles still tingle maybe thats anxiety too and they are tingling or moving because its a worry or fear ?

when i say would i do this or want a man doing this i think of the thought and i panic and my testicles move or tingle or both so then thats why i may think its like i am getting thoughts of wanting to but dont want to but when i say no thats not good enough its like i am being forced to do it or say yes to it

[Guest legend]

still unfortunately looking for certainty , and what you need to do is work at not doing so

fear is driving you, and youll benefit from cbt and exposure therapy

Where then youll say(eventually)I love women, I could have sex with a man if I wanted to, but the thought of it doesn't bother me , and life moves on

at the mo your in a black and white thinking, caused thru severe doubts and anxiety, but with correct help, youll do the grey area above

[Guest sigh1]

after going over so thoughts it actually feels like with me panicking or feeling anxious inside like my belly is turning or something that because i am fearing it it then makes me feel like its something i want, but still the thoughts wont go so if i was in bed with a girl just laying there going asleep with my arm around her and this **** pops in i would feel terrible thats what i dont want but i know is going to happen and its not even happened yet i dont wanna be in bed with a man with my arm around him yet theres no panic feeling here its just me not wanting it yet its trying to make me see why wouldnt i or i would this is too much

[Guest legend]

test/check/ruminate/reassurance/ are they helping ?

[Guest sigh1]

still unfortunately looking for certainty , and what you need to do is work at not doing so

fear is driving you, and youll benefit from cbt and exposure therapy

Where then youll say(eventually)I love women, I could have sex with a man if I wanted to, but the thought of it doesn't bother me , and life moves on

at the mo your in a black and white thinking, caused thru severe doubts and anxiety, but with correct help, youll do the grey area above

i feel the thought is always going to bother me mate, what scares me alot is if i was to see a gay man and you know he loves doing things with a man that i will want to do things with him or something, maybe its the fear that makes me feel i want to ?

[Guest sigh1]

test/check/ruminate/reassurance/ are they helping ?

no but i cant do anything else i cant just let them be there and do nothing even if i tried and i have they are still there i am still feeling upset and annoyed or feeling oh maybe i am just gay then whatever i do everything is still there, even when i listen to music words like be real to yourself or something like that i get in my head oh does that or should i be real to myself and say i am gay or something? or even playing on the ps3 while i am actually playing the game the thoughts are still there even though i am playing footie or mostly just killing people on call of duty everything is there, its there when i am drinking cans outside the ground before i go inside to watch the footie they are they, they are there before i go asleep until i wake up they are probably there even when i am fully asleep i wouldnt be surprised its just too much

[Guest sigh1]

maybe when i go through the thoughts its fear thats is making me feel like its what i want and no fear i hope its fear and i just didnt notice i kiss my jesus cross chain and hold it and look up asking for help and asking my grandad and other past away family members for help

[Caramoole]

Read my earlier post again Sigh.

If you keep dealing with it by checking it isn't going to improve.

You have to change the way you deal with it.

Caramoole