I need to vent to someone

[ocdismylife]

Venting. It alwys makes me feel better.

I learnt one thing from being away from everyone while in Tanzania. I have to do things even with ocd. So I have been doing well back here in scandinavia and I am able to do my daily chores with the worst ocd in the world. Which was something i could not do before.

My ocd is really bad. Th reason why, it's about all my ocd I have ever had. I started thinking of the past and thought "did I miss something?"

Then it started. I found faults.

I think now there is something wrong with my past. I think to myself, my therapist always says I will always rememeber important things. And then I started realizing I didn't rememember if I went against my bf and ever danced sexy when he asked me not to. Did I do it? And forget? Did I tell him? Then I think about what my therapist said, how I would always tell my BF everything that I feel is important Then I realized no thats not true why didn't I tell him yesterday I think I might have humped someone? Or came near that guys **** on purpose when we were messing around?

I then get into this awful sircle where I need to figure out the past, so I know what I would do today in the present.

My BF had said you never do what you fear. So I have no worries in thinking back to the past. Then I realized I worried about my vagina coming near peopleor me giving them a little hump on purpose and then a few weeks later I was able to dance sexy with some of my BF friends on the dance floor. Which means I did what I feared. So how do I know if I did what I feared in the past? Like when I feared when I was small flirting that I purposley put my hand near his ****, I could have done that as I did what I feared before.

It's all in a circle. I have managed to tell myself calm down, my bf has control of the pass and my therapist and they tell me to stop looking back.I need to trust them. And I do. Then I go about my day and then think, Jesus have I forgotten to tell my BF of anything happend today? Have I forgotten something I did and not told him? Maybe I kept something to myself which I thought was ocd but was not ocd. How do I know that all my ocd are not real? Or if I did something a bit harmful would I even tell him? I've gone against him before in the past I could do it again.

It's horrible living like this and I dont know what do or how to stop. I've managed to let go of the past, but I am only then scared of the present.

Its hard...I feel like I want to kill myself everyday I wake up but I force myself as much as I can to get out of bed.

Thank you fo the venting. Has anyone ever had this type of ocd where its about all your ocd and how they all have to fit eachother?

[ocdismylife]

I know this was a long post. Just feel like it would be nice to have someone advice or comments.

This ocd is so...big.Its so harrd to control.

[Purplepiper7]

Do you mean like you think about something that leads to the next thing that leads to the next thing and the next thing which somehow leads back to the first thing? That happens to me a lot don't worry you're not alone. I really don't have any advice I'm sorry.

[ocdismylife]

Yeh something like that. Like I tell myself I will always tell my BF anything of importance.I know that about myself, if I keep something to myself its cause I know what he would say or I know its ocd.

But this "conclusion" doesnt seem to fit the past. I dont remember if I went on the dance floor and danced sexy when my bf said no, I cant remember. Did I tell him later that I did it? Or wouldnt I think that was important. If I didnt tell him, think about all the other things I have not told him. Then I tell myself I would not do anything to harm our relationship so even if I did do it its so small it wouldnt cause any panic.

But then I take the sentence that I would not do anything to harm the relationship and think about when my BF told me "whatever happens tonight dont worry about it" as I was sacred to drink and cheat. So he more or less gave me a freepass.If I did do something would I have told him?

[Guest legend]

you have to work at recognising ocd at work and changing the way you are responding to it

[ocdismylife]

how is this ocd when the thoughts are true? I thought it could be ocd but one day I was like "i always remember important things of the past and would always tell my bf" then I realized I didnt rememeber if I went against him and danced on the dance floor sexy with his friends, and I dont know if I told him.

I NEED to know who I am today. And that is a good person that would never lie to my BF..I know this....but it doesnt seem to fit the past

[ocdismylife]

Im scared. My ocd has been BAD for 2 months. Never has it blown up and lasted for so long..and now I am in this thought pattern.

[ocdismylife]

I normally know when its ocd as ocd makes you doubt so much. BUT these thoughts seem so true and they all seem to make sense, in a very bad way. But only I see the sense in it and not my BF...

[Guest legend]

how is this ocd when the thoughts are true? I thought it could be ocd but one day I was like "i always remember important things of the past and would always tell my bf" then I realized I didnt rememeber if I went against him and danced on the dance floor sexy with his friends, and I dont know if I told him.

I NEED to know who I am today. And that is a good person that would never lie to my BF..I know this....but it doesnt seem to fit the past

despite being "reassured" by everyone , its still rebounding isn't it , so you have to recognise that when you keep ruminating

and looking for certainty that its the ocd at work, so you have to work at resisting the urge to keep asking and looking for

clarity

The thoughts SEEM true !! yes that's how ocd works

[ocdismylife]

They dont seem true in the way of "oh I feel it has happend" they feel true because of my past events. I am scared of doing something wrong in the present but I tell myself if I did anything important(in a negative way) I would tell my BF. And I feel it's easier to get along my days. My depression goes away and I know that if anything happends that I do wrong I will tell my bf.

But then A NORMAL thought comes up and says "But dont you rememember that time in the past when you went against him and did something not so nice?And you only remembered cuz your friend told you. What makes you think you would tell him things now?"

Its a thought that actually makes sense. It doesnt seem like ocd what so ever.

[ocdismylife]

Did u read my first post? Do you see how the thoughts actually make some sense. as in they are true and not just ocd making me doubt

[Guest legend]

Did u read my first post? Do you see how the thoughts actually make some sense. as in they are true and not just ocd making me doubt

""I then get into this awful sircle where I need to figure out the past, so I know what I would do today in the present""

given you top advice. regards changing, and im afraid that your falling into a trap of ocd.

Legend

Edited September 8, 2013 by legend

[ocdismylife]

I'm wrecked. fine if I give up the reminising over the past and how that fits my conclusion of today that I would not hide anything of importance from my bf, how do I know that is a real conclusion for the present if I didnt get to fix it to match the past?

[Guest legend]

By not going over and over it .

Your doing these actions, because ocd is making you

[ocdismylife]

Ok i will try that for tonight and see how i works. wish me luuck

[Guest legend]

Ok i will try that for tonight and see how i works. wish me luuck

keep doing it , keep perservering

[Guest Mrsp]

Venting. It alwys makes me feel better.

I learnt one thing from being away from everyone while in Tanzania. I have to do things even with ocd. So I have been doing well back here in scandinavia and I am able to do my daily chores with the worst ocd in the world. Which was something i could not do before.

My ocd is really bad. Th reason why, it's about all my ocd I have ever had. I started thinking of the past and thought "did I miss something?"

Then it started. I found faults.

I think now there is something wrong with my past. I think to myself, my therapist always says I will always rememeber important things. And then I started realizing I didn't rememember if I went against my bf and ever danced sexy when he asked me not to. Did I do it? And forget? Did I tell him? Then I think about what my therapist said, how I would always tell my BF everything that I feel is important Then I realized no thats not true why didn't I tell him yesterday I think I might have humped someone? Or came near that guys **** on purpose when we were messing around?

I then get into this awful sircle where I need to figure out the past, so I know what I would do today in the present.

My BF had said you never do what you fear. So I have no worries in thinking back to the past. Then I realized I worried about my vagina coming near peopleor me giving them a little hump on purpose and then a few weeks later I was able to dance sexy with some of my BF friends on the dance floor. Which means I did what I feared. So how do I know if I did what I feared in the past? Like when I feared when I was small flirting that I purposley put my hand near his ****, I could have done that as I did what I feared before.

It's all in a circle. I have managed to tell myself calm down, my bf has control of the pass and my therapist and they tell me to stop looking back.I need to trust them. And I do. Then I go about my day and then think, Jesus have I forgotten to tell my BF of anything happend today? Have I forgotten something I did and not told him? Maybe I kept something to myself which I thought was ocd but was not ocd. How do I know that all my ocd are not real? Or if I did something a bit harmful would I even tell him? I've gone against him before in the past I could do it again.

It's horrible living like this and I dont know what do or how to stop. I've managed to let go of the past, but I am only then scared of the present.

Its hard...I feel like I want to kill myself everyday I wake up but I force myself as much as I can to get out of bed.

Thank you fo the venting. Has anyone ever had this type of ocd where its about all your ocd and how they all have to fit eachother?

Being nosey, but which part of Scandinavia are you from? I went to Helsinki a few years back, and absolutely loved it.

I occasionally get this type of OCD as well. Worrying that I've cheated on my husband, or done something inappropriate with someone. But it's just OCD playing its nasty games with you x