Please for the love of God help me

[ocdismylife]

I CANT D THIS ANYMORE. 5 months of hell. I dont know what to do with myself.

Im forced to go to uni and work, when I a on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know how to get better. I know how to get better, but I am not able to do it.

I am depressed, im 22 years old and drink alcohol when my ocd gets bad because I cant handle the sadness.

I started smoking to make my nerves go down.

I just...dont know how to get out of something so real. The thoughts are so real..

I am scared to go about my day and withhold something my BF would not like. He tells me I know what to tell him and not, but I can't trust myself. I DONT HAVE BAD INTENSIONS. I tell myself that all the time. If I keep somethng from him its because its harmless, unworthy of talking about.

THOUGHTS: WHAT IF YOU KEEP SOMETHING FROM HIM SO HIS FEELINGS WONT GET HURT?

I answer saying I only do harmless things, worse thing that happens is that he dislikes it. Nothing more.

The thought of death is comforting. I want to die , I want death its self. Im 22 and I can not take a life like this anymore. I cant.

I hate therapy, I fear therapy, its scary. She might say something that ruins me.Ive taken a pause.

I just....im so dooown. No one on here normally answers Im not really friends with anyone on here. Im sorry.

I just....I WANT TO LIVE NORMAL.

But I am unable...I am unable to eave the thoughts behind.

[evolve]

I'm sorry you're struggling so much. First of all, please don't do anything you can't take back. Suicide is not the answer. I can promise you that you won't feel this way forever and hope that you can look back and think thank god I didn't do anything.

You're depressed right now which is why you're thinking this way. Have you ever had any help through medication? It's an option and it can seriously benefit you.

I know therapy seems scary but it absolutely can help. I know because my therapist is helping me right now and I've been where you are, feeling hopeless. Continue to tell us here how you're doing. There are lots of lovely people here who can relate and help.

Take care,

Chris

[ocdismylife]

Thanks for the lovley words. I did take medication...prozac.I felt it helped on numbing my panicattacks,the aneixty.But I had a side effect that got worse..my dreams.They became so real at night and when I woke up in the mornings I would use time to realize if it was a dream or not.

I also wanted to be normal and try without it.Its been 4 months and since ive been off them Ive had sky high ocd.

I wasnt perfect on them,but they did help.In some way...

I have a bf of nearly three years and my fall back into this bad ocd and depressio has had a huge effect on me but he really is always on my side trying to help.But i truley feel I never will get out of this...a d if i do ill re worry about this again

[evolve]

Well one thing my therapist is teaching me is that OCD is a disorder of feelings. Your feelings will lie to you and make you think things are real that are not. You feel like you'll be depressed and anxiety ridden forever but I'm confident that won't be the case. You really can't know how you'll feel tomorrow, in a week, a year, and moods are ever changing.

I'm not a psychiatrist but I know there are usually other medications used for OCD than Prozac so there is always the option you can try something different if needed. Therapy is the best treatment for OCD though. I'm seeing that now and if you see the right therapist then they could do wonders for you.

Chris

[Guest thewelshdragon]

Well considering that your suicidal, and Im sure that you have tried every available option (meds, therapy, CBT) to you to try and help yourself.

Perhaps you should take some time off work or your uni course? do you think that would reduce your stress intake and therefore reduce OCD-strength? Or does working and going to uni help keep you distracted from OCD?

Im only mentioning this, because when I reduced my stress levels in my life by leaving work (combined with self-CBT), my stress levels dropped dramatically and thus my OCD reduced.

[ocdismylife]

You have a good thought;but i am unable to leave work as I will be in financial problems.I can how ever get sicknotes from my doctor ut my boss woud kill me and make my life hell.She did this last time I was sick.

Uni has always been hard,my ocd gets worse with stress.Therefor its at its highest now as I have an exam in a week.Barley read.I have thought about a break but unable because of rules...i live in a student studio and is owned by the uni.to live here i need to study...

My therapist says i should force myself to live a normal life no matter what..she is a good therapist and has helped me alot.

J have been of prosac for 4months and I want to start taking it again.i found some left overs and

started tonight ..i didnt feel like asking my therapist as I make that choice myself.so i took it

[ocdismylife]

Whats ur name on that site?

I was t seeking anything i just like to vent and explain how i feel.Thats what its here for.Also I know no one will give me reasurennes here hehe.

My therapist is good.she helped me alot.she knows my ocd very well and she gave me reasurness at the start and then sbe worked her way into the ocd methods.she does t reasjre me anymore..it was her way of working with my ocd.She did wonders with my pocd...but i skipp alkt of therapy now because i dont get reasurness anymore.Havent for a year.when i go there now she talks about it all being ocd and explains why its ocd and how ocd works.I do exposure too.

[svr]

I just started therapy a few weeks ago and I hated it with this psychologist. Like I was assigned my first meaningful assignment last week and it filled me with worry and anger at my psychologist before I even had the chance to start it so I didn't do it. Maybe you can try to search for psychologists, like I know people do this for things like depression, they go to different ones, so maybe you can try to find a psychologist who might be easier for you to work with? (I know I went to a different psychologist briefly during my winter break for college but had to leave her becuase I was going to college, and I thought she was really good and I felt like I trusted her and that she would take smaller steps.) I'm 22 as well and like honestly sometimes I feel hopeless and depressed about the state of my OCD, especially since therapy as it's going is harder than I thought. I know we can do this though.

Edited October 6, 2013 by svr

[ocdismylife]

I woke up now feeling like I cant face today.I want to go back to sleep..but how can I ?I need to go to work...i needto live this life I am forced to live

[Guest Liv]

Just take it day by day. If something makes you really unhappy then change it. Nothing is more important than your wellbeing. And you are bigger than your OCD/anxiety/depression. You are bigger than life itself. I hope you are doing better.

[Guest Alex2012]

You do not need to live this way, I have been where you are in the worst place ever. It sounds as if you suffer from Pure O, intrusive thoughts. Let me first say that they have no reflection on you. They are just thoughts! Thoughts cannot hurt you. I once heard a great. Quote from a Psychotherapist that helped me saying "The more you think the deeper you sink". I'm not a therapist or a counsellor but am hoping to be one day. Have you heard of ERP? I would say this is a good place to start as opposed to CBT. This will help build your confidence. People with OCD are in the bracket of being of very sensitive nature and when we get a spike I.e thought that triggers the uncomfortable anxiety it heightens our sensitivity (this makes us hyper sensitive). Hypersensitivity then leads to nerve endings becoming more alive, you become more conscious about inner body and outer body feelings you experience, this can lead you into a false sense of security and indeed make you panic when you are in an uncomfortable situation. Be careful not to get stuck in a trance and stay involved. With the thought( known as brain lock). Observe yourself when you are obsessing realising what you are involved in then refocus your mind immediately. Doing this will help create different neuro pathways in the brain, I.e changing habits. I hope this helps. God bless.

[Guest Loza782]

I CANT D THIS ANYMORE. 5 months of hell. I dont know what to do with myself.

Im forced to go to uni and work, when I a on the verge of a breakdown.

I don't know how to get better. I know how to get better, but I am not able to do it.

I am depressed, im 22 years old and drink alcohol when my ocd gets bad because I cant handle the sadness.

I started smoking to make my nerves go down.

I just...dont know how to get out of something so real. The thoughts are so real..

I am scared to go about my day and withhold something my BF would not like. He tells me I know what to tell him and not, but I can't trust myself. I DONT HAVE BAD INTENSIONS. I tell myself that all the time. If I keep somethng from him its because its harmless, unworthy of talking about.

THOUGHTS: WHAT IF YOU KEEP SOMETHING FROM HIM SO HIS FEELINGS WONT GET HURT?

I answer saying I only do harmless things, worse thing that happens is that he dislikes it. Nothing more.

The thought of death is comforting. I want to die , I want death its self. Im 22 and I can not take a life like this anymore. I cant.

I hate therapy, I fear therapy, its scary. She might say something that ruins me.Ive taken a pause.

I just....im so dooown. No one on here normally answers Im not really friends with anyone on here. Im sorry.

I just....I WANT TO LIVE NORMAL.

But I am unable...I am unable to eave the thoughts behind.

Hi, what type if ocd do you have; I've had what I think is every type of ocd for 20 years and it does get easier I promise you! I suffered through uni too so I know how you feel!!!!! X

[ocdismylife]

Well they say not to give the ocd names.but if I have too I have ROCD

[ocdismylife]

Thank u all for great advice.Maybe there is some hope somewhere....somehow

[Guest OhThatCd]

I had ROCD too "You don't love her" etc then short story she broke up with me I've still couldn't get over her and still Love her it's been 3.5months so thoughts doesn't mean anything. Anything at all! "Put your thoughts to asleep don't let them cast a shadow over the Moon of your Heart Beloved <3 Rumi ~

[evolve]

When you get an OCD thought, really try your best to leave the thought be and refocus back to whatever you're doing. I was skeptical about this and struggled at first but really finding this a benefit to me.

You're not on medication so the thoughts will be more intense than they will be for me I understand but my therapist believes OCD can be beaten without meds and I believe him although I also think they can be a help if you're really struggling. If you want to go back on something possibly suggest Sertraline to your doctor.

[ocdismylife]

Yes this is some type of ROCD. Mostly because I tell myself I dont do anything harmful to my reltionship and I will never go over the line of making my BF hurt/angry when it comes to guys. I dont have bad intesions.

Without having a conclusion like that, I dont know who I am.So I need to know I wont do anything bad and this is my way. Even if I didnt have these sentences I would still know in my heart I would not do anything. This causes OCD to find things that I have done that goes against who I am. And it found something in the past I did, but my BF said it isnt at all bad but my OCD tries to make it seem bad so it makes everything I know and belive in "untrue".

I suffered with ROCD "do i love him?" "do i still love my ex?" for a little bit over a year. It WAS HORRIBLE. But I soon relaized after struggling for so long it was OCD. You see I dated him,broke up cuz of OCD, dated him again, broke up cuz of OCD. Then he stopped all contact and I was upset as I was inlove with him. He gave me another chance and I fell inlove, but shortly after OCD came after I said "I love you" and I felt I wanted out, It would ease my OCD. But I batlled this for a whole year and there were hard times. God knows.

I know what OCD does. I know it's all OCD. BUT sometimes OCD gives me some thoughts that feel real. Thats what I struggle with. And I then have to sort them out.

[Guest thewelshdragon]

If you think about it, all anxiety is simply a fear of losing control.

There is one technique, that although is hard to use, it can be effective.

I suffer mostly with POCD, so when im having irrational anxious bad thoughts/doubts about being a paedophile, I say to myself...

"maybe I am a paedophile"

"worrying over my sexuality will not influence it"

And the reality is that I could be a paedophile and so can anyone else, its a form of acceptance of the truth and also getting out of the cycle of responding with fear from the intrusive thoughts.

I remember seeing this technique being used on the BBC3 programme 'OCD camp'. As you can imagine it is difficult and scary, but it does help me (when I remember to use it lol)

Have you tried this?

[ocdismylife]

yeah I have tried it. But it actually makes my OCD worse xS Only when it comes to ROCD. When I had servere POCD it seemed to help much more, maybe because deep down I knew it was all fake. But telling myself maybe I have done something bad, maybe I want to hurt my boyfriend or dont mind doing harmless things in my eyes that hurt him just makes me worse..Ive tried.

What I am trying now, is just letting myself lose control. When I am a really bad state I do confess, but all my BF says is its ocd. So I have nothin to hold onto. Its horrible but maybe me not knowing anything is a good thing

[ocdismylife]

I do write a blog that no one really reads lol but it helps me. putting my words down on the blog. Just makes me feel better venting. I know some people dont like reading about depressing things here is my blog for thoe who wanna read.

http://ocdismylife.wordpress.com

I do feel having the feeling of losing control is much better than trying to have control of everyting...funny enough

[oetegenn1976]

Sorry your having a tuff time, I wish I knew you and lived near you to give you the biggest cuddliest hug ever! But I dont so I'm afraid a virtual hug will have to do

First of all you are not alone im feeling **** too so hope that makes you feel better

Second, not everyone answers my posts.....it doesn't matter I dont think its intentional! I dont have any friends on this forum, but I fo know that when I'm down I get lots of good advice and support x

As for work and college, you need to think about this and your current situation...... couldyou inform your college and tell them your difficulties and maybe postpone till next year? Your job how many hours a week do you work? Could you reduce your hours? These are all possibilities, there are always solutions and nothing is as bad as we feel and make it seem when times are tough!

Also medication, some dont like to take it and some do..... I am one of those in between ones where I dont like taking them, but if you need them then you must! As sometimes its chemicals in the brain that need a boost! Im on sertraline and have been for 6 years..... I hate it, but it does probably help a lot too.

Hope I've helped you to rationalise your problems a little better