obsessing over my gf's sexuality?

[8thstar]

p/s; i posted this in the ocd forum because i feel like my anxiety and obsessive thoughts are driving this, because when i first met her and before these obsessive thoughts and nature kicked in, i never cared about how she was bi. it just suddenly hit me out of nowhere and the hatred and anger and jealousy began. she doesn't deserve this constant nagging from me, it won't change her sexuality and i'll only end up losing her again too.

my girlfriend is bisexual and i am honestly just full of discomfort and anger and jealousy over this and i have no idea why.

i'm a fully gay girl. and i know she loves me and i know she'd never cheat or leave me or anything. i feel kind of sexist actually with the way i get so angry over men simply because she likes them as well as girls. my anxiety is literally awful, i cannot relax because she's told me if she was ever in love with a man she'd have sex with him. i cannot get this thought out of my head, i can't bare to picture her with any guys but it won't leave me alone to the point i'm getting intrusive images 24/7. now i know it shouldn't be a big deal because she can't change her sexuality or how she feels and i don't like hurting her or arguing with her about this ;[ but i feel like i just keep questioning her on what sexual things she'd ever do with guys. i get so angry at straight sex in general and i know none of this is normal, but i just feel disgusted and like it's really disrespectful even though i know it's a part of love and it would make sense if she ever loved a guy to have sex with him. why do i feel this way? why do i get so angry and hateful and unable to live with the uncertainty of what she'd do with guys and stuff? she broke up with me (we're back together now) over this before, because like everyday i bombard her with questions about this :{ but i just want to know how to accept this and for it to not phase and bother me :{ i don't understand where this hatred came from either, is it envy? i just have no idea ;[ i'd never leave her over something like this, i love the girl to pieces and we have a really cute relationship and i couldn't be without this beautiful person. i feel ridiculous more than anything, it's just her sexuality so why is it such a big deal if she clearly likes girls too and she's even told me she prefers girls and it seems to make no difference. i know she loves me and i've never even had worries over not being enough for her because i'm not a guy or her leaving me for a guy or anything like that :{ it's just the fact that if she ever got with a guy she WOULD have sex with them and would WANT to as well, why is this bugging me so much? i can't shake it :{ i've questioned her to the point of asking if she'd give oral to them and stuff and even though she said she wouldn't do that i obsess over the fact she does like guys still. i think it must also to be to do with uncertainty on her actual true feelings towards each gender as well ;[ i'm so confused i want this discomfort and hatred to leave me alone so we can both be in peace.

i do the whole rumination thing over this as well, trying to keep telling myself more positive stuff but then later i'll get an intrusive image or reminder again and i'll be back at square one obsessing like crazy and i just can't seem to accept it but i so badly want to. i'm sorry if it's wrong i posted this here :{ i didn't know where else to turn or where to talk about this. if i shouldn't post this here can anybody tell me where i could talk about issues like this? sorry if anyone's angry with me :{

Edited November 18, 2013 by 8thstar

[PhilpsonFan07]

It's natural to get jealous over someone you love. When you love someone, the idea of them being with someone else is upsetting. Since your OCD is involved, you have to do things to stop feeding it. Stop asking her for reassurance and try not to ruminate. Those things will only make you worse. Also, they are going to strain your relationship and make you both miserable. You're never going to get that absolute sense of certainty, so you have to let it go. I know this is hard.

Are you getting treatment?

[8thstar]

Yeah i'm getting treatment, only just started with it so hopefully things will improve, thanks for replying. The suppression is a huge problem for me, i try not to feed things but something in me is obviously still flagging it as important because it's always attached to me and bugging me.

[dksea]

Hey 8thStar, I think its really great how honest and self aware you are about this. You clearly know what the problem is and want to address it and that gives you a HUGE advantage and hope for the future in my opinion. It takes some people a lot to just get to that step so I hope you recognize and reward yourself for that!

Its seem to me from your description that this is obviously a thought that has been troubling you for awhile and has dug itself in reallll deep. Of course that sucks because you don't want the thought and its causing you and your girlfriend grief, but I think you owe it to yourself to recognize what a big issue this is for you. By that I mean you should keep up your efforts to overcome it but recognize that such a big change to something that is so dug in will take time and effort. As the old saying goes, "Rome wasn't built in a day". Try to have patience not just with the recovery process but also with yourself and understand you won't be perfect.

If possible I would involve your girlfriend in your therapy as much as she is willing and able. The better she understands the work you are going through to overcome this I think the easier it will be for her to help you when you relapse. She'll also learn not to give in to your reassurance which will take some burden off of her to constantly answer your questions and doubts. It will also help her to appreciate that this is not the way you WANT to be and that you are absolutely doing something about it, I think that would be a huge boon to any relationship. In the meantime when you get these thoughts remind yourself that its just the OCD and focus on being there and spending time with the girl you so clearly love. In time, with work, these anxieties will fade and you'll be able to get back to living your life.

[PhilpsonFan07]

The suppression is a huge problem for me...

Suppressing the thoughts can be a compulsion too. You want to give the anxiety and the bad thoughts as much space as you can to fill your mind. At that point, you can say things like, "Yep, she's totally straight and she's gona leave me". You can say it jokingly or even believe it to some extent. The point is to accept the possibility that your gf may leave you and get on with your life. It's hard, but you can get better.

[8thstar]

thank you both for replying, but the past few days have been even worse and absolutely terrible, i cannot stop thinking about this. and it's not like with other ocd thoughts where i can use a compulsion to rid this from bugging me, i feel i can do that easier with my ocd thoughts now. but this thought is bugging me because a sexuality can't be changed and she can't just be dishonest to me about stuff like this or lie to make me feel better. but i just cannot settle or feel comfortable over any of this, it's in my head 24/7, i'm torn and idk what to do and i'm not sure if my ocd is making my obsessing over this worse...etc. i'm not even searching for a certainty anymore because she's given me her answers, it's just her answers are things i'm struggling to accept and can't deal with. i'm worried now, is this going to be affecting me everyday forever now? i have no idea where to turn to at this point, nothing helps :{ i never want to break up with this girl so that is not an option to just leave her and date someone of my own sexuality at some point. i love her for who she is, so why is it so hard to stop caring over this? :{ to just accept it?

[PhilpsonFan07]

i'm not even searching for a certainty anymore because she's given me her answers, it's just her answers are things i'm struggling to accept and can't deal with.

This is a compulsion. You're feeding the OCD by doing this. You need to make her stop reassuring you like this. The more you try to get certainty like that, the worse it will get. It sounds like the rumination is feeding this and stopping you from moving on. When you ruminate, you need to tell yourself something like, "I will never know for sure and accept that she may leave me" and then focus on something else.

How is your therapist helping you with this?

[Biccy]

Hi 8thstar

Bloody OCD what a nightmare for you attaching your thought to this situation. Have you tried switching your thinking to something else when this thought comes in. Now I know that is not easy to do but your gonna have to really try before this drives a wedge between your both that can't be repaired. Pick something that really makes you smile/happy and really concentrate on it until it's the only thing in your mind. Keep practicing it and then when the thoughts come snap your self to the happy thought. It's worth a try and may really help. Good luck xx