child abuse

[Guest andrea]

I'm new to this site but have have OCD since I was 21 I'm 33 now.

I should be really happy, I've got a good job, great family, nice home, married a year to a lovely man and I'm pregnant.

My thoughts first started when I woke up and suddenly thought I could sexually abuse children, I am a pure o so my only rela compulsion is to think through the scenario over and over until I get to the answer i want which is a nice one but of course the thoughts always come back.

Over the years I have looked after children and suffered the anxiety that goes with this the thought that my hand want to amd may move a touch a clild inappropriately although it hasn't happened yet.

I met my husband and we usually have a fantanstic time but after we got engaged his brother in law told me that his father had abused his wife (my husband's sister) with fingers only and told me not to say anything to anyone.

Obviously hard for me with my thoughts and my husband knew something was up and in the end I told him. He was very upset and said aloud what if it is genetic. My husband only took a couple of days to think all through and realise he is fine with children but of course ever since i have thought what if it is genetic. I have CBT treatment and she says all just thoughts and child abuse not genetic but I'm havng a real low time at the moment as off the medication as pregnant so reading the self help books read that OCD may be gentic and then my thoughts that child abuse is genetic start over.

This makes me worry that I won't leave our child with my husband or if I do I'll ask questions, which I don't want to do, I want us to be happy.

Just looked again on web for child abuse and genetic and found one little piece that says in monkeys child abuse could be genetic but don't think it was talking sexual abuse more them physically hurting their young by sitting on them.

My other worry is that when we were cleraing through the house we found one of those cards that you get in phone boxes with naked lady on that had been in my husband's old railcard, he said him and others at work had one as there was an annoying person in his office call Jo King (silly name I know !) and I think I remember seeing it before and him giving the same explanation and said I could ask a work colleague, don't want to do this but fear is what if he slept with a prostitute, i run through and say it was a joke, he's not like that , had aids test for insurance recently and he didn't woory but still can't stop thinking about it.

Didn't help that we were then looking for a cricket ticket and I sound an envelope subscribing to an adult TV porn channel and his instant reaction was a friend sent as joke but it had his credit card. He admitted he had registerd but never watched (I wouldn' really have a problem if he did watch as I watch the odd film if on tv when in France etc) he said we were trying to make baby but he had gone off sex as had thoughts about what his father had done and hard to distinguish good sex and bad sex so thought this may help but then regretted it.

Said he didn't tell me because he knows how my thoughts run.

Please help me make sense of this all, i worry that i don't trust my husband and worry he may harm the baby if genetic but my rational side thinks he's wonderful and my fear is i won't get better and we'll have to break up which would break my heart as he really is a great guy and I think I trust him as people up to thins would not keeps cards etc.

[Ashley]

Hi Andrea,

Welcome to our site and trust me, child abuse is not genetic so please don't worry. What I suspect is happening is that your OCD is making you worry that this will happen to your husband, remember OCD will try and pick up the worst thing you can imagine and then focus on it and constantly replay itself over and over again.

Try and tell yourself it is just the OCD, relabel the thought to be OCD.

[Guest andrea]

Hi Andrea,

Welcome to our site and trust me, child abuse is not genetic so please don't worry. What I suspect is happening is that your OCD is making you worry that this will happen to your husband, remember OCD will try and pick up the worst thing you can imagine and then focus on it and constantly replay itself over and over again.

Try and tell yourself it is just the OCD, relabel the thought to be OCD.

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thanks Ashie

but as you know no amount of reassurance helps as I have this need to be 100% certain and think how do you know it's not genetic.

i agree that i need to say it's just thoughts and try to move on but very hard

[Caramoole]

Hi Andrea

Welcome to the site

It is very hard I know but unfortunately we can't have 100% certainty and it's the desperate search to find it that keeps us locked into OCD.

I would recommend that you try your best not to keep endlessly trawling the net in search of that one piece of evidence that will satisfy your mind. You won't find it, whatever facts you find (positive or negative) it won't be enough, you'll need more clarification and so it goes on in a downward spiral.

Pregnancy is a difficult time anyway, your hormones are all upset, you're having to adjust to a whole new future, new responsibilities etc, it is a big step for all new parents, never mind with OCD. Also, as you say being off your medication doesn't help.

I hope your therapist's support will help you through this.

Caramoole

[Guest Hypnosinc]

Hi Andrea,

As Caramoole says, you are pregnant, and your hormones are working overtime. Now, although I haven't got any hard and fast proof, there is a lot to suggest that an increase in hormonal activity plays a strong part in the incidence of OCD symptoms. Additionally, at this time, and as OCD tends to zoom in on your most dramatic anxieties of the moment, the concern for your unborn child is heightened. You can imagine every possible horrendous scenario. Mothers with babes in arms, often have concerns about dropping the baby downstairs or giving it a bath in water that is too hot. I don't say this to worry you, but merely to show the type of thoughts that can arise during and after the birth. Only by recognising that in your case it is largely OCD that is directing these thoughts, and that it has no interest either in the truth or in making your life pleasant, can you face it down, and recognise the lies for what they are.

By the way, abusers are not born, they are made, owing to the way they have interpreted their own experiences, or by some predisposition to harm others. Few who have been abused end up as abusers, and, by the same token, few who are abusers were themselves abused.

[Guest Arima]

Hi Andrea.

Just because you think it, doesn't make it happen. You won't abuse your kids because the thought goes through your head. It's a scary topic, though, which makes a person wary. Try looking at the same situation regarding something more harmless - like eating a full lump of wasabi, or something equally strong in one bite. Why would you do that? You wouldn't. And it's easy not to. Suprisingly easy. I'm not saying any part of OCD is easy, mind you - I have it too - but I've found the thingslike this that our brains berate us with are very easy to not do, we're simply looking at the thoughts in the wrong way.

An example - I had a thought once that scared me, that involved hurting our cat if an appliance got turned on. It scared me then, but now I realize that it was more of a warning - don't turn that on, the cat's there. Look at it in a good way, and know that you're not going to abuse your children because you really don't want to.

Thoughts are not real. In this case, you worrying about abusing your children, I think it's your brain trying to look out for them, by searching out for things that might hurt them, so you can protect them, and you've heard about child abuse, so that's something to protect them from. Your brain is your friend, even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes.

Be strong and have faith.

[Guest Sky]

the fact your husband is concerned is a good sign, as it shows he doesn't want to abuse children, and therefore, it's highly unlikely he ever would, and the fact he was upset that had happened to his sister means he is against child abuse. Abuse is not genetic, many teens who have had a parent that had been abusive to someone, will not grow up to be the same as this parent, particularly if they were unaware of abuse, which he was. So he will be just like the rest of us. How do I know it's not genetic? Because if it was it's likely the whole world would have those genes by now, which they dont. Many children grow up without abuse from parents.

[Guest tyga]

Hi Andrea,

I can hinestly say for the first time ever i know what ur going through. I mean i actually KNOW, because i have the exact same thoughts! I have PureO and since i was 18 i have thoughts about child abuse. I sometimes think it is the reason i haven't had a serious boyfriend because every time i get close to someone i start thinking what if they're a child abuser and abuse our kids.

No amount of reassurance that its really unlikely and most men are good makes it go away. Everything u said sounds like me when i first joined this site. I thought i was the only one cos noone elsecould say they'd had the same thoughts. It feels a relief in a way to know im not the only one. And i have the same worries u do about trust etc with my future husband.

I have had lots of counselling and i am at the point where my thoughts are not bothering me much, i can ignore them most of the time. Getting here however has been the most painful experience of my life. I won't lie to u, its hard work, but the end result is worth it.

If u want to talk more about this just pm and we can.

Tyga

[Guest andrea]

i'd be really interested to know what sort of therapy you have if it is working.

i was really good today and even though i had thoughts didn't question my husband which I hope I can work on so I don't question him in future when baby born.

it's just very hard at the moment as not on tablets but in the past i have left him with children like my nephews (ie to go for a walk, never in house alone so not faced this) and managed not to ask, i try to think in the future i will get home and just go somewhere until need for reassurance goes or force myself not to ask and if bad go through all the reassurances I do about him that help, ie, nice man, it's not genetic, he finds the idea of abuse incomprehensionable. problem is all the books say just say thoughts and don't ruminate but I find thinking it all through helps and don't know how good I will be at just saying thoughts and leaving as is. The difficulty when it is about another person is you don't know if they've done something whereas with yourself at least you know but i just think i know my husband so well that i would know if something was up as behaviour would be strange but would rather just not think all of this at all.

i am going to a new self help group on wednesday and i'm going to try some imaginery exposure or taping myself as never done this.

Hi Andrea,

I can hinestly say for the first time ever i know what ur going through. I mean i actually KNOW, because i have the exact same thoughts! I have PureO and since i was 18 i have thoughts about child abuse. I sometimes think it is the reason i haven't had a serious boyfriend because every time i get close to someone i start thinking what if they're a child abuser and abuse our kids.

No amount of reassurance that its really unlikely and most men are good makes it go away. Everything u said sounds like me when i first joined this site. I thought i was the only one cos noone elsecould say they'd had the same thoughts. It feels a relief in a way to know im not the only one. And i have the same worries u do about trust etc with my future husband.

I have had lots of counselling and i am at the point where my thoughts are not bothering me much, i can ignore them most of the time. Getting here however has been the most painful experience of my life. I won't lie to u, its hard work, but the end result is worth it.

If u want to talk more about this just pm and we can.

Tyga

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[Guest tyga]

I think therapy is a good idea. Where is ur support group?