Please can anyone help - I feel so bad :(

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you Roy. Currently I'm downstairs with my brother. He's playing his flute and I'm listening/watching television. I feel like I'm about to throw up. I keep thinking that if I can just read one page I'll be fine, thing is I know I won't be able to stop. I feel so guilty I could cry

[taurean]

I've never had the guilt thing myself, but so many people on this forum report in with it.

But keep the faith, because it seems to me to be OCD at work - as it seems for all the other fellow sufferers with that form of OCD. Its not you all, its the OCD I suspect.

Best regards

Roy

Edited March 11, 2014 by taurean

[Purplepiper7]

Thanks again Roy. Are you sure though? What if I'm different?

[taurean]

That's what all the others say too - doubt seems to be a key component of this type.

Why should you be different to the others?.

I believe in your posts in this forum the real you is very apparent to us all - a caring loving and charming young lady speaks to us when you post.

I had a problem with interracting and personalising with the news. And having constantly recurring "thought loops" .I thought i was going mad, I thought I was unique with these two distinctive problems until I joined this forum; and yet there are various other members with exactly the same things. All reported in doubts and "what if its true".

We have all been able to help each other, which is why this internet forum is so brilliant, and gives out so much love concern and care.

[Purplepiper7]

Thanks Roy (:blushing:). To be honest I don't know why I'd be different. I just "feel" like a bad person...fundamentally, and I don't know why. Guilt just hits me out of nowhere, for no reason at all, and I think it means I'm an evil monster. I start thinking that I've done something to deserve it, or that I will do something to deserve it and I'll cause mass destruction and/or go to hell if I don't compensate for that feeling of guilt.

[taurean]

That's pretty typical of this problem.All of those catastrophic type thoughts get experienced by others - you are not alone; but its a tough burden I know.

I'm no therapist and I am hopeful that you can relate with your lady and she will help you address these issues.

Meanwhile please take comfort from this thread, the knowledge that others experience similar intrusive thoughts, and the support of our community.

Roy

Edited March 11, 2014 by taurean

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you

[Purplepiper7]

I'm ensnared, and I think I'm going to throw up, but I can't get out of bed. Well actually I probably can, but I'd rather not because it feels like my limbs are made of lead. Should I be here? I just feel like I have evil inside of me. I know (erm, hope) this is OCD, but I can't move on. I don't want to be a bad person. How can I be certain that I'm not? How can I be certain that it's okay to stop doing rituals? I can't, can I? I feel guilty for being sad too. After all I'm very lucky, but so tired. All I want is to be a good person. I don't think I want to be alive anymore.

[lovid]

Oh PP.Don't say that hun.You deserve to be here just as much as anyone.You're such a clever girl I wish that strong brain of yours could get to grips with the evidence and realize the truth from the fears.I suspect you can but can't help but experience the fears anyway.There must be a way of getting you to feel better about the way you are.Instead of the rituals could you maybe try playing some computer games maybe on line so you have some competition?

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you lovid (:blushing:). I was feeling okay earlier, but now I feel bad again. I feel better than I did when I typed that though, so I guess that's good. My brain is just fried really. How are you?

[lovid]

Really bad this morning.On late tonight and that always makes me worse.How have you been today?

[Purplepiper7]

Today it's been the opposite for me really. I had a good morning, but now I feel awful. It's like a rollercoaster ride. I'm sorry to hear that you're not feeling weren't feeling well this morning. Are you any better now? Or is it the same (hopefully not worse )? Would you like to talk about it? :group:

Edited March 17, 2014 by Purplepiper7

[lovid]

I'm better now as I just finished work for the day.Why are you feeling awful now PP?

[lovid]

I meant why are you feeling awful at this time not what is it this time lol

[Purplepiper7]

I didn't get any sleep last night. I was alternating between distracting myself, ritualizing, and crying (:blushing:). I can't stand the thought of having evil inside of me. I feel so bad and guilty that I'm trembling. I don't want to face the day today, I just want to lay back down, go to sleep, and never wake up.

[lovid]

Oh no PP.There isn't any evidence that suggests you are evil though is there?

[Purplepiper7]

When I was young I liked to pretend I was a psychopath

[jballan]

You sound like you are in a difficult place right now. I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. You are so young so be experiencing such guilt. I am 24 and can really relate to you. I also feel really guilty for things that aren't really rational. You mentioned you couldn't smile. I feel guilty for laughing. I am trying to overcome this so I try to partake in things that make people laugh. I haven't been able to yet, but it at least gets me to smile. You should practice smiling, maybe when nobody is looking. What is the worst thing that can happen? Actually, don't even think about the worst thing. Just find the courage and try your hardest to do it. I know you can! When you start to feel a negative thought coming on like feeling guilty or a should statement. Get out a piece of paper and write down a rational response. Imagine your best friend or family member said whatever thought went through your head. What advice would you give them? I bet you give great advice. Right down the advice and imagine somebody caring giving you that advice. Keep reading it until you feel less guilty. This is just one method that might help you. I hope you give it a try. Keep you head up. OCD can be really tough, but it is great that you are seeking help.

[lovid]

What real proof have you that you are evil though.How did you pretend to be a psychopath?

[Purplepiper7]

Well, when I was younger I watched a documentary about a psychopaths. I found it fascinating, so I pretended to do the things that they did, except with stuffed animals. I'm kind of afraid to give specifics though (:blushing:). I realize now that this is wrong, but back then I thought it was interesting. I don't remember if I enjoyed it or not (). Also thanks jballan, I hope you're okay.

[Purplepiper7]

Why oh why can't I stop thinking about this? I want to do good things and I want to be a good person but I always mess it up or do something wrong. I can't even live up to my own morals anymore. Gosh I'm so awful, honestly I think everyone is just too kind to say that they're disgusted by me. I feel like there's evil coursing through my veins, it may sound silly but it's almost as if I can feel this badness inside of me. This is killing me, keeping me up at night. I always try to be kind to everyone, but I don't think I'm very good at it. I'm just not very nice ().

[Purplepiper7]

Please anyone? Also, I'm sorry about the abundance of posts lately ().

[lovid]

As you say though PP.You always try to be kind to everyone.What does that say about you?Does it matter even if you weren't any good at it anyway?

[Purplepiper7]

Yes because I still could be making people feel bad ().

[taurean]

Hi Purplepiper,

I got up for a short while (sometimes I just wake up and am wide awake - when i do this I either watch TV or use the laptop; then I go back to sleep quite naturally).

Coming back to your point, when we ask these questions like you just did, we are simply still engaging with the intrusive thoughts and maintaining them aren't we (this keeps "Rumination OCD" distress going).

OCD is very good at bringing doubt into the equation, and it can be very convincing. It might ask "How can I be sure that this is an OCD thought (and I am really bad, i am evil etc)? But i believe the answer is, when in doubt, treat the thought as OCD and use the same skills and techniques on it as for other OCD thoughts i.e. know that the thoughts are just "meaningless nonsense" brought up by the OCD bully to torment and distress us.

Use The four Steps to note that they are OCD, then just switch your attention on to an enjoyable distraction (for me such a distraction includes helping others on this forum with types of OCD other than my own - I get really involved in the issues, really interested in what is going on, time flies and I'm thinking of nothing but the present dialogue - brilliant).

It's not the intrusive thoughts that do the damage, its our interpretation of them.

Best regards

Roy