Sex & OCD - a perspective

[Guest Craigy]

Dorris,

I agree with Rachie : well done in printing out some discussion for your mum to read.

You sound terrified to talk to your mum. I obviously don't know what your obsessive fears are, but I think I can understand why you want to keep them to yourself (I know I am very careful and cautious about who I talk to and what I tell them). But, some if not all of that is the OCD at work. If you trust the person, their response will never be as extreme as you imagine it will be. Ultimately, you have the power to choose who you open up to and what you say to them. And if you don't want to let mum know all the details then that is fine. Rachie's advice of emphasising the problem being the way you relate to your thoughts - not the actual thoughts in themselves - seems a good option.

A similar situation has happened recently in my life. I was feeling fragile towards the end of last week. Poor concentration, low confidence, no enthusiasm, preoccupied with a bizarre irrational thought that my therapist might actually suspect that I'm weird or pervy after all (absolute rubbish, but that's OCD for you). I pushed myself to open up to my wife, because I felt it was the fair thing to do, as I love her very much and she wants me to be more open with her about my moods. I told her about this irrational fear on Thursday, then on Friday decided to pluck up the courage and tell her about some of the reasons behind it. I won't go into detail here, but suffice to say, my fears of ridicule and/or rejection were totally unfounded. Totally the opposite in fact. She really appreciated me being more open and now feels that she has a better understanding of my tendency to worry and obsess. And it helped me alot to let the thoughts out. She knows me well enough to know that my bizarre thoughts are not representative of reality. She can see the positive side to me better than I can.

Mostly as a result of this I have felt alot better over the weekend, and I'm feeling OK at work today. The horrible negative thoughts are still there in the background, but I am not dwelling on them today. I'm not actively avoiding them, pushing them away or arguing with them like I used to ; they just don't have the power today. I think if I can keep going like this I can cope with life alot better on the whole, and see last week as a blip.

[Guest dorris]

craigy, thanks for replying.

i really appreciate your comments and i feel they will help me in opening up. im sure that any response i get from opening up to people will not be as bad as im assuming, however, i feel that as i am so young some of the the things that crop into my head feel so above me that people might think that im really really wrong, not just wierd but i dont know, not obscene but just that these thoughts cannot be justified. i feel as if i should feel bad for them. one of the most frequent is injecting happiness into bad thoughts such as if i think about what would happen if someone close to me dies i automatically think of something benificial from it such as having more justified reasons for the way i behave due to the mourning process.

i just suppose that i feel with people who have lived life and have broad minds that have been through a lot it is more understandible than for an 18 year old girl who still should be more of an inniocent child. overall i think that i keep people at a distance to not scare them off but i know the people who are the best for me are the ones that wouldnt run away no matter what.

having an okay week at the moment but when im driving if i get stressed out i find myself concentrating on my stresses and performing ocd rituals rather than concentrating on the road as i feel that performing these is more important to me and as a result my boyfriend, unsupprisingly, has now become scared of me at the wheel!

i'm going to see my counciller tomorrow, i havent been too open with her but i think my task is to open a little more each week as i know its not my fault and im doing nothing wrong its the ocd making me feel these things.

oh i suppose something else that might explain to you my reluctancy to reveal my thoughts is that i have anti-social personality disorder so not only am i scared of people and put on a front but i get panic attacks when just walking into a room!

danielle x

[Guest hellonwhls]

this deserves another bump and a comment, so.....

bump...

comment:

then there is the lovley work of the antidepressants

is it real or is it memorex?

How long is normal for not having sexual feelings at all??

ummm.... years??

[Guest Craigy]

Dorris,

Good time for you to go and see your counsellor by the sounds of things. You've definitely got to start opening up a bit more, in a safe environment with someone you trust, at your own pace.

Maybe it would be useful to ask people close to you ( "the people who are the best for me are the ones that wouldnt run away no matter what".) if they ever have bizarre, wierd thoughts. They will do, but they will likely deal with them better.

Your age shouldn't be a factor, especially with your counsellor. You're probably more sensitive and mature-minded for your age, hence some of your thoughts.

Last thing, have you diagnosed yourself with anti-social personality disorder or has a psychiatrist labelled you with it? Whatever the case, don't take the label too seriously as it is not particularly meaningful (ie not backed up by much research). Chances are one psychiatrist would judge you to have that, while another one would say you have something else. Best to focus on the symptoms you have (eg obsessive thinking, compulsive behaviours, panic-attacks) and learn to cope with those.

Main reason I say this is I work in the mental health field myself, and I don't like to see young people have diagnoses assigned to them too early.

Keep your eyes on the road and resist the temptation to respond to the obsessions!

Cheers,

Craigy

[Guest ilario]

hi scott,

your post was really helpful... and gave me many insights.

However, I've got a problem with my OCD. It started with contamination fears (and washing compulsions), then it turned abruptly to sexual urges. I don't know whether it's still OCD or I'm just too much sex-hungry. In fact I never had any sexual relationship during my life :blushing: (I'm a 28 y.o. boy, I suppose that's not so common unless you're a Catholic priest...). You wrote about fears of inappropriate behaviour. Of course I have. I'm afraid of losing control and harass someone while working, or something like that. OF course I will not do it. As a matter of fact, I do not behave like that. Some girls have explicitly tried to woo me, but everytime it happens I feel paralyzed even if I'm excited (or just BECAUSE I'm excited). It seems that I have to prove to myself that even if I'm sex-hungry, I won't do anything at all because I never lose control of my urges. The trouble is that those urges are getting increasingly bothersome. My mind is messed up all the time. And it hurts - you know what I mean. If you have washing compulsion, you can struggle to resist them and not to wash your hand, but what if - need to be explicit - you're having continuous hards-on. What you can do about them?? I should see how the disorder transforms after having sex, but the problem is that for me having sex is something really scaring, because everytime I get out with a girl and we are alone and everything is working fine, I feel compulsed to distract my attention, to stay away from her, because I'm afraid the arousement coud be not controlled or because I'm afraid she notices my arousement and does not like me anymore. I have to prove to her: I'm a good boy, I don't want sex from you. Eventually they come to think that I don't like them. And then, I feel like I'm exploding... It is undermining my ability to concentrate, to work, and even to perform in my everyday life. I spend too much time thinking about my problems and do not notice things and keep forgetting everything. Evrytime I have to talk to someone and I feel these unpleasant urges, I feel deeply humiliated and am not able to interact properly with that person.... so everything in my life is falling apart... sorry for my compulsively long post

ilario

[Guest Craigy]

I was reminded last night that it is not always appropriate or therapeutic to share my obsessive thoughts. In fact it rarely is appropriate. It is sooooooooooo tempting at times to ask others for reassurance, but I have to keep reminding myself that this can reinforce the thought and help maintain the problem.

So I kept the couple of nonsense thoughts to myself, let them run around in my head a bit, didn't throw fuel on the fire by arguing with them, and they have now lost their power.

In light of this, Dorris, I think you are right to be cautious in airing your obsessive thoughts. Maybe it's best to only let close friends and family know the basics plus maybe an example of how it can affect you. Other than that it is not in an OCD sufferer's interests to share these thoughts too much, because doing so is not therapeutic. It only serves to validate them to a certain extent.

As someone else said, even Mother Theresa occasionally will have bad thoughts, but I doubt she voices them to her friends and family (although maybe god hears them at confession!).

But then she probably doesn't have OCD tendencies so it's not as hard for her to dismiss the thoughts. But that doesn't mean it's impossible for us, just a little more difficult.........

=====================================================================

Work colleaugue just walked in to borrow a book while I was writing this post. I'm now being hit with thoughts of "what did she see?", "will she think I'm wasting time?", "did she see the 'sex and ocd' heading"?, "will she think I'm on some pervy chat-room?"...... etc

I'm going to try to let these worries run around a bit in my head and hopefully they'll fade away like the millions that have come before them.

Weather's good anyway :cool:

[Guest Dee333]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum - apologies in advance if I get the etiquette/technical stuff slightly wrong! :blushing:

I saw this thread a week or so ago and have been thinking maybe I should post about my experience, something that I've never talked about before. In my early 20s (I'm now in my 30s), I suffered from the intrusive thoughts which sound like they're common to 'Pure-O' ocd - mainly irrational fears about harming others. I recognised that these fears were ridiculous but still found them very distressing and became quite depressed.

This was before the internet, so out-of-date 70s psychology textbooks were the only source of info for me! From what I read I arrived at the conclusion that sexual guilt could be behind the ocd-type fears. (This is the embarrassing bit..) I tried abstaining from the most popular form of "self-abuse" as you call it :blushing: .

Gradually I started to feel less anxiety, and eventually the ocd-type symptoms improved to a point where I felt almost completely "better". This may sound strange, but I think I'm extremely sensitive to what people think of me, so a sexual behaviour that's common but still a bit taboo to talk about could have caused me more guilt than in other people?

Anyway, my problem is that now, many years later, although I am almost free from obsessive disturbing thoughts, I am a long-term single and would dearly like to find romance. The thought of spending the rest of my life alone is horrible. But, I worry that entering into a physical relationship will cause my ocd to return. I feel that I have a responsibility to a future partner to address possible sexual issues on my part, but have no idea where to start. I also feel very nervous about dating when I have such limited physical experience.. after all, no-one wants to be rubbish for their partner ! :blushing:

I know this is quite a strange story- sorry for the long post- but if anyone has any advice or could recommend helpful information, I'd be very grateful.

Thanks for reading!

D.

[Guest HayleyMartin]

Hello,

I'm new to this forum - apologies in advance if I get the etiquette/technical stuff slightly wrong!

I saw this thread a week or so ago and have been thinking maybe I should post about my experience, something that I've never talked about before. In my early 20s (I'm now in my 30s), I suffered from the intrusive thoughts which sound like they're common to 'Pure-O' ocd - mainly irrational fears about harming others. I recognised that these fears were ridiculous but still found them very distressing and became quite depressed.

This was before the internet, so out-of-date 70s psychology textbooks were the only source of info for me! From what I read I arrived at the conclusion that sexual guilt could be behind the ocd-type fears. (This is the embarrassing bit..) I tried abstaining from the most popular form of "self-abuse" as you call it :blushing: .

Gradually I started to feel less anxiety, and eventually the ocd-type symptoms improved to a point where I felt almost completely "better". This may sound strange, but I think I'm extremely sensitive to what people think of me, so a sexual behaviour that's common but still a bit taboo to talk about could have caused me more guilt than in other people?

Anyway, my problem is that now, many years later, although I am almost free from obsessive disturbing thoughts, I am a long-term single and would dearly like to find romance. The thought of spending the rest of my life alone is horrible. But, I worry that entering into a physical relationship will cause my ocd to return. I feel that I have a responsibility to a future partner to address possible sexual issues on my part, but have no idea where to start. I also feel very nervous about dating when I have such limited physical experience.. after all, no-one wants to be rubbish for their partner ! :blushing:

I know this is quite a strange story- sorry for the long post- but if anyone has any advice or could recommend helpful information, I'd be very grateful.

Thanks for reading!

D.

:cheer: hello there

thanks for posting :original: don't worry about getting the ettiquett and technical stuff wrong-it's lovely of you to post. a lot of what you have said will be familiar to loads of people on here- irrational fears of harming others and feelings of guilt and nervousness about social interactions- everyone will really help you on here- they are all lovely - you are very welcome. xxx

Edited June 11, 2006 by HayleyMartin

[Guest HayleyMartin]

sorry,

i don't really know what i'm on about and everyone else is much wiser and more helpful than i am, but just picking up on one of the things you did say in your post, would i be right in thinking that a lot of your anxietys stem from, in your words,your 'lack of experience physically???' sorry , is that what you meant?

it's just that , in my opinion , that would never, never, never never, never be an issue or a problem for me , in whether i wanted to go out with someone or not,and i'm sure a lot of other people would agree with me.

there is so many more important characteristics to a person and their personality than whether a person was experienced or not. i just wondered if you were perhaps worrying about something that i feel certain to most people, would not even be an issue :original:

i guess that the other thing is, is that as you get to know someone, you grow closer so that it becomes less of an issue to talk about seemingly embarrasing subjects so that, perhaps you might be worrying a bit to much about something that won't end up being as embarrasing as you imagine.

do you know, i have spent ages writing this post, and it still doesn't make sense what i have written

what i'm trying to say is that you are worrying about something that doesn't matter , and won't matter to loads of people.

i'll just quit waffeling whilst i'm ahead - i'll blame it on the sunshine :original:

i'm editing this post again and i'm still not happy with it will go and watch tv and come back to it later xx

Edited June 11, 2006 by HayleyMartin

[Guest Dee333]

sorry,

i don't really know what i'm on about and everyone else is much wiser and more helpful than i am, but just picking up on one of the things you did say in your post, would i be right in thinking that a lot of your anxietys stem from, in your words,your 'lack of experience physically???' sorry , is that what you meant?

it's just that , in my opinion , that would never, never, never never, never be an issue or a problem for me , in whether i wanted to go out with someone or not,and i'm sure a lot of other people would agree with me.

there is so many more important characteristics to a person and their personality than whether a person was experienced or not. i just wondered if you were perhaps worrying about something that i feel certain to most people, would not even be an issue :original:

i guess that the other thing is, is that as you get to know someone, you grow closer so that it becomes less of an issue to talk about seemingly embarrasing subjects so that, perhaps you might be worrying a bit to much about something that won't end up being as embarrasing as you imagine.

do you know, i have spent ages writing this post, and it still doesn't make sense what i have written

what i'm trying to say is that you are worrying about something that doesn't matter , and won't matter to loads of people.

i'll just quit waffeling whilst i'm ahead - i'll blame it on the sunshine :original:

i'm editing this post again and i'm still not happy with it will go and watch tv and come back to it later xx

Thanks very much for your welcome and supportive words! Definitely much appreciated, no need for editing..

:original:

I was worried that as an optimisitc "ex-sufferer" of ocd symptoms my concerns about relationships are quite trivial. Agree that physical experience thing is something that isn't that important, especially if you have a strong rapport with someone. But it all comes back to the ocd for me - especially the fear that a physical relationship could be a trigger for irrational, upsetting thoughts to return. Then if I felt I had to withdraw from a new relationship, I'd feel terrible. I have a growing feeling that I should break the habit of a lifetime and seek professional help, but I'm not sure. Think there's something to be said for sorting things out oneself. Maybe that's a silly blokish attitude of mine

anyway, thanks again

[Guest HayleyMartin]

hi again

sorry, this is going to sound a bit daft, but if you start a 'new topic' with your posts, you will get loads of people posting to you and welcoming you and hopefully offering you different opinions- much more valid than mine :original:

with your post being onto the end of a long thread, less people will notice it. i think anyway, does that make sense. i don't know what's wrong with my head today- i just feel like i'm not making any sense- start a new topic honey with your last post of concerns- you will just get a few more answers. :original:

[Guest pink]

Thanks Shar (and Scott for the original post)

This was really good to read - it all made a lot of sense

In response to some of the above posts....I managed to tell my boyfriend about my sexual ocd fears the other day and he was really understanding (I was petrified he would think there was something wrong with me and disown me!) and it made me feel a lot better - I think it probably helped him too to understand what was upsetting me so much.

Dee - I think that when you find someone you really like and who likes you too, the ocd wont be a problem because they will understand and support you if it does come back. Remember too that if it does come back you can use this forum - I know it has helped me a lot

[Guest PatsyG]

Fantastic post Scott, its spot on!!

Thank you! :original:

[Guest Lizbeth]

This post has given such a lot of help to a lot of users myself included and I thought I'd pin to ensure it's always accessible.

[Guest Eds]

That was a really helpful post thank you so much. The 'upstairs downstairs' thing is still really bothering me though (even though I know what it all means now) and making my life a living hell. I monitor how things are 'down there' all the time to make sure I'm not turned on by disgusting things. And I sometimes really start to believe that I'm physically turned on by the things that I obsess about- and I just can't tell. I feel like there is always some sort of strange feeling in the underwear department which is both horrific and uncomfortable. I don't dare tell anybody incase they think I'm perverted or something but it's really playing on my mind :helpsmilie:

[Guest Muse_Man]

Hi,

Those sensations you describe are natural and unintentional. They do not mean you are a pervert, they just happen, doesnt mean the sensations are linked to any intrusive thoughts. These sensations can happen at anytime and be easily mixed up with a situation to do with your obsession. I know myself its easy to connect significance to these sensations when the thoughts enter our mind, try to let go of the thought and not reassure yourself too much and attach personal blame next time something like this arises.

Stuart :original:

[Guest pink]

Hey Eds

The upstairs/downstairs thing is a real problem for me too so I understand exactly what your saying

I thinking monitoring down there actually makes it worse so I am trying hard not to keep checking and asking myself 'am I feel something down there?' Not very easy but I think if I keep monitoring and checking then I wont be able to let go of the thoughts.

I am trying the Brain Lock way of saying to myself that the thoughts are just obsessions, they are caused by the OCD and that I therefore don't need to think about them anymore and try and switch my brain to thinking of something else. Sometimes this is easier to do than others.

I think we just have to try and remember that if we really did get turned on then we wouldn't be worrying ourselves sick about it

Take care - I try and re-read Scott's post whenever I get too panicy and find that helps!

Pink

[Guest Eds]

Hey Eds

The upstairs/downstairs thing is a real problem for me too so I understand exactly what your saying

I thinking monitoring down there actually makes it worse so I am trying hard not to keep checking and asking myself 'am I feel something down there?' Not very easy but I think if I keep monitoring and checking then I wont be able to let go of the thoughts.

I am trying the Brain Lock way of saying to myself that the thoughts are just obsessions, they are caused by the OCD and that I therefore don't need to think about them anymore and try and switch my brain to thinking of something else. Sometimes this is easier to do than others.

I think we just have to try and remember that if we really did get turned on then we wouldn't be worrying ourselves sick about it

Take care - I try and re-read Scott's post whenever I get too panicy and find that helps!

Pink

Thank you for replying, I know you're absolutely right. I think I panicked when I wrote that actually. It's probably heightened 100% more when you're feeling really down and on edge. I've printed this info out and I'm going to revert back to it when I need it- like you do Pink.

[Guest Lizbeth]

Thank you for replying, I know you're absolutely right. I think I panicked when I wrote that actually. It's probably heightened 100% more when you're feeling really down and on edge. I've printed this info out and I'm going to revert back to it when I need it- like you do Pink.

Hey Eds :a1_cheesygrin: ,

The upstairs/downstairs problem was my final barrier to really beating this kind of OCD....it caused me a lot of problems early last summer and the taboo surrounding this subject meant I felt uncomfortable discussing it with anyone. Reading Scott's post was a huge breakthrough for me....it actually categorised what I was feeling as OCD and NOT the sign of a pervert. It took a while to sink in properly but I did keep re-enforcing it and re-reading it when I was panicked. I really feel I turned a corner from that point and I hope you can do the same.

xxJadexx

[Guest outofmymind]

I think we just have to try and remember that if we really did get turned on then we wouldn't be worrying ourselves sick about it.

I think that's the one thing that keeps me going somedays - it's simple but often overlooked when you're in the thick of it.

I can't remember where (possibly one of the Phillipson articles?), but there's a header or subtitle "When seeing is not believing". I'm not sure what context this was in but it makes sense. When I see the type of lady that 'does it for me' when my OCD is playing up I don't feel anything. But I *know* that's what I like, and in a way it serves to remind me how it can really **** with your perception.

[Guest madd]

thta's one of the best exposed of what is ocd that i've read thanks

this post should be sticked

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Hi Madd

this post should be sticked

The thread was pinned for a while, but it's important that pinned messages are refreshed quite often. Fear not, though, if you run a search on the word "perspective", you'll pick the thread up wherever it's slipped to on the boards.

Cheers,

Scott

[talknerdytome]

This was of great use to me, thanks so much!

[Guest Gryphon]

Hi Scott,

Thankyou, thankyou, a great post , im sure i will be on the top floor of that multi storey car park one day.

Cheers, :clapping:

[Guest Shar]

Bump. Just bringing this up again, think it might be useful to a few people. :original: