Sex & OCD - a perspective

[Guest autumn girl]

"Which terrifies me. I put stickers in my filofax, as a code, so that I know when we've been intimate and if it's been too long without a sticker I'll force myself mentally into the mood. But it's always a struggle."

Hey Olympia

You should actually be very proud of yourself that you do the above, that shows real heart and courage and its a great way of telling OCD where to go.

So dont ever feel bad about yourself for that, pat yoursef on the back

xx

[Guest OCD-NUT]

Wow..... I was just searching the forums and found this post which came as a big relief to be honest.

I knew that OCD caused this kind of sex issues but I thought I was *rare* when it came to my obsessions and struggles!

It is a relief to know other people have the same problems and I am not some kind of freak!

I am a gay male, and at the moment I am really struggling with my OCD again, due to life stress I think.

I am struggling with paedophilia OCD but I thought I was the only one with these kind of sexual OCD issues. I think part of my problem is the fact that I am gay and not 'out', so that has a feeling of shame linked to it anyway. Also I have been socially anxious for years, so I don't really have any friends outside my family. Never had a partner/boyfriend and so I am probably relying on past fantasies from my school days and pornography (legal obviously, thats another obsession all together) to get by, guys will know what I mean...... sorry if that sounded gross, but I think that doesn't help the issue either because I don't feel like I am normal or deserving of a loving relationship, and for me personally there is a lot of guilt and shame attached to masturbation which kicks off the OCD.

From reading these posts it doesn't sound as though life is going to be much easier when I am in a relationship though. :laugh: :helpsmilie:

I mean who would want an OCD freak who is scared of catching something?

I also basically obsess about doing anything which could get me into trouble, such as speeding..... for instance, I obsess about throwing away a piece of rubbish that somehow finds it's way to a crime scene and has my DNA on it and then being arrested for speeding and locked up for murder because this piece of rubbish was at the murder scene.

I also completely obsess about having sex (the chance would be a fine thing...), I am a big, strong guy, what if i find a guy and we get down to *it*, but some how without me knowing he doesn't really want to and I am a rapist, I mean I could destroy someones life and end up in jail, completely shaming myself and my family.

And how the hell can I explain all that to a potential boyfriend, they would be running a mile in the opposite direction? Anyhow, I have gone completely off topic now.

I basically wanted to say it is nice to know I am not alone!

Does anyone else find that even seeing someone or something in the street can trigger off the OCD and intrusive images? I mean for me it has gotten to the stage where I struggle to enjoy going to my local gym anymore because some of the machines over look the swimming pool..... and if there are and kids in there or even anyone under about 50 :laugh: it triggers it all off.

Wow, what a long post full of garbage, not bad for a first post...... sorry guys!

I am 100% pure crazy today.

Edited November 24, 2008 by OCD-NUT

[Guest carlile1980]

do you think this statement describes OCD well? " OCD makes the impossible, possible!"

RJC

[Guest legend]

d.

Edited December 13, 2008 by legend

[Ashley]

do you think this statement describes OCD well? " OCD makes the impossible, possible!"

Not exactly Carlile, no. OCD can make the 'unlikely' feel very real but I would not say it makes the impossible, possible so much because often a persons OCD will focus on something very real, a real fear which is possible, but unlikely. OCD is called the doubting diesease because of this, it makes us doubt everything.

[Guest Lizbeth]

I put stickers in my filofax, as a code, so that I know when we've been intimate and if it's been too long without a sticker I'll force myself mentally into the mood. But it's always a struggle.

Hi Olympia,

I did this in my head for a while...it's good that you are so determined to not let OCD ruin a healthy sex life. Having said that, I found for myself, that by doing this I just re-enforced the idea that I didn't/shouldn't/couldn't enjoy sex because it was something I had to plan and force myself into. In the end, for me (and it is a personal thing) it just fed into my fears.

My therapist suggested an idea which I have found really helpful. Every week, set aside some special time with you and your partner...you don't need to make specific plans even but just say, ''okay saturday afternoon's just for us.'' Spend time at home, watch films, make dinner together etc...whatever counts as quality time for you. The basic idea for this is that you are creating situations where you feel relaxed and intimate making it more likely you will want to. These times are not set aside for sex but by creating enough of them I am beginning to enjoy my sex life again.

The thing is that sex, like sleep, is one of those things that do not benefit IMO from being overly focused on. The more you concentrate on what you should be feeling/doing the less likely it is to happen...or at least happen in a way that is pleasurable for both of you.

Hope that makes sense!

xx :original: xx

[Guest SQUID101]

Thanks for the post helped explain some things.

[Guest lucylia]

Hi,new to this site,but not to OCD! I have been a sufferer of OCD since the tender age of 5 (im now 24). It started over something silly and spiralled out of control. Over the years i have had many obsessions. They have ranged from an obsession with counting,things being exact,to believing i wanted to be a child molestor,or a murderer. That i wanted to harm my family. Theres to many to actually say,or even remember. In all the years i have suffeed from this horrible illness,none have been as bad as the past 4 years. Since the birtrh of my son. I adore my son,i love him with every inch of my body. But OCD ruins alot of our time together as i am plagued by unwanted and sexual urges,thoughts,ideas, involving my little boy. Every time i look at him or he looks at me,i feel a gut wrenching stab of guilt throughout my whole body. So much so at times it has resulted in myself being physically sick. I have been on medication since i was 15,and have had many sessions of CBT (all of which i personally feel have not helped me). Medication eases the symptoms and anxiety i suffer over the awful thoughts i have,but every day is still a battle with this illness. To meet me in the street,or in a sociable enviroment you would never know. Im friendly,outgoing,im training to be a make-up artist at college. I live for my son and my family and friends. But not matter what i do with my life it is bitter sweet,and always pulled down by the illness. Its always there somewhere in the back of my head. As its only puro O i suffer from and have no compulsions i have to carry out (other than in my mind) i have became an expert at hiding my illness. Im literally a prisoner in my own mind. The past year or so i have been plagued by the issues that surround "upstaris,downstairs", inappropriate feelings at inappropriate times,hieghtened sensations etc. These thoughts have by far been the worst of my thoughts. The hardest to talk about,the hardest to think about and the hardest to understand. For months now,i have loathed myself.believed myself to be a disgusting person. A terrible mother. At one point i begged my mum to call social services and report me as i believed that having these thoughts and feelings made me some sort of sick pervert,and sick perverts dont deserve to have their children. I have thought about suicide,running away to another country to live my life alone so i cant harm anyone. I have cried myself to sleep many nights.sobbed in my mothers arms til i cant even catch my breath. Life has been at its hardest over the past while. Ive been on this and many ocd sites before. If im having a good spell i tend to avoid reading anything concerning ocd for fear of reading something that may worsen my symptoms. Tonight has been a particularly bad night for me. I put my son to bed,smoked about 10 cigarettes,cried for a bit,then thought id clutch the last bit of hope by coming online and finding something that would maybe make me feel just a little bit better. I read scotts post tonight, and i feel like i have been,in some strange way,Saved!! The thoughts i have been experiencing have been so embarassingly hard to talk about. My therapist knows and inspite of her reasurance that i wasnt a bad person,i always believed that she was trying in her own way to make me feel better. She would tell me time and time again that alot of people have these thoughts,its just not something people tend to discuss. I always believed because i had never heard anyone in my life discussing thoughts of this nature that i must be the only one. This thread has shown me that im not alone in my battle to these specific thoughts. I always knew other people suffered from ocd,but believed this particular pattern of thoughts was so complex that only myself had thought about them. And without trying to offend anyone,i am overly relieved to hear that im not the only one. I wouldnt wish this on anyone,but knowing that there are others like me gives me such peace of mind. Scott, I dont know you,nor do I know if you will ever read this but I want to thankyou from the bottom of my heart for starting this thread. For taking the time to shed some light on this subject,for taking the time to write in depth all you did to try and help people like myself. I will forever be grateful for this. Its amazing to me,how someone i dont even know has made such an impact on my life. And if you read this i hope that your spirits are lifted during a bad time in your life,realising and remembering that you have made a huge difference to someone else's life,and that i will be going to bed tonight at peace with my mind. Of course im not cured and i know the anxiety over these thoughts and self doubt will return again at some point,but i think by reading your post it will remind me and keep me afloat.

Thankyou

Lucy x

[Guest lucylia]

WOW . . .I know i only posted last night,but i printed off some papers to read over whilst in bed and now i think i may have worsened my ocd symptoms. I have been with my partner for just over a year. He is very understanding of my illness and knows the in's and out's in great depth. Last night whilst reading about intrusive sexual fantasys etc i began to feel normal. I read somewhere that some people have sexual fantasys that may be quite strange but enjoyable,and even if it seems inappropriate,its still ok as your not harming anyoen with these thoughts. I have always felt aroused by the thought of my partner being younger and experimenting with masturbation,discovering what he likes and dislikes etc. Its not like i have the image of a child in my head,its still him,only younger,on his own experimenting. And it really arouses me. I always felt guilt and shame over this and tried to stop myself having these thoughts. But after reading what i did last night i suddenly didnt feel guilty about it. Realised it was completely normal (or so i thought). So this morning feeling the most relaxed i have over sex in months i suggested to my partner we go back to bed after i dropped my little boy off at nursery. During intercourse,i had that thought again (him being younger etc) and instead of becoming uncomfortable and rigid like i usually do,i allowed myself to let the thought be there and actually enjoy it. Now my OCD is worse than ever. I feel even more self loathe thinking that by doing that and allowing myself to enjoy it,i really truly am just a disgusting pervert! Am I?? I know im seeking reassurance here but i got nobody else to talk to at the moment and even if i did,the answers mean nothing to me really as its not coming from a sufferer of this illness itself. Please somebody reply. Its driving me crazy.

Lucy x

[Guest Lizbeth]

Hi Lucy,

Sorry that you're suffering from the OCD but I think it's great that you've been more relaxed about sex. :clapping: This is just an OCD kickback....it doesn't go quietly into the shadows unfortunately. :dry: Relabel it for what it is...OCD, it sounds to me like you're definitely at the beginning of an upward spiral. You can beat this and you've made the first, few important steps.

Take care,

xx

[Guest PatsyG]

Unfortunately OCD likes to fight back even harder once you decide to not give in to it, to not listen to what its trying to make you believe.. Its a bit like its looseing its grip on you and it will try and regain control over you so it will hit you even harder to make you listen...but the more you try and stand up to it, the more it will lose its power!! As hard as it is, let it talk..dont be drawn into an argument with it..Try and go 'yeah yeah whatever' ...trust me, I know its easier said than done, especially when your anxiety is high and your mind in overdrive but with time and practise its achievable...you cant block those thoughts, that wont work cos as soon as you tell yourself not to think something you WILL think it! Youve just gotta let the thought come, accept its there without trying to fight it and just let it be there...nothing bads gonna happen when you do that, same as it wont 'stop' anything from happening when youre listening to the OCD (hope that makes sense)

I know, its not easy x

Hah just thought, we should deal with it like I deal with my mum..she tends to go on a lot on the phone and I have developed this amazing talent of completly switiching off when she talks, its great and I couldnt tell you much of what she said afterwards...just nod and go 'aha..yeah...hmmm' :lol:

All the best x

[Guest lucylia]

Thanks for your replys. It means so much to me having someone to discuss this with in depth. But is it wrong though to have that particular sexual fantasy involving my partner?? Or is it just my ocd making me believe that its wrong?? I feel like such a weirdo thinking the thought,but it does arouse me. I have told my partner who says its not wrong at all. That everyone thinks certain thoughts and becomes aroused by them,and that thinking of him being younger and experimenting isnt wrong. But i think he just says it to make me feel better and deep down he knows im a sick pervert but he loves me inspite of this and doesnt want to loose me therefore tells me what he thinks i want to hear,not what he is actualy thinking. You know?? My god im rambling now but thats what ocd does to me. So many constant different scenario's. I dont know how i have made it 24 years in this life lol x

p.s. I do that with a specific friend of mine. I completely switch off whilst she is rambling nonsense about her partner and her boss etc etc . . .wish it was as easy to do so with ocd.

Lucy xx

[Guest PatsyG]

Thing is Lucy..we can all go and tell you now that there is nothing wrong with that fantasy..it might put your mind at rest for a while but soon you will start questioning it again or find something else you will crave reassurance for..

With OCD we all crave that reassurance that our thoughts are normal etc but OCD wont let anyone convince us..like I said you might feel a little better for a while but it will come up with another plan..

Reassurance from others DOES not work, nor does trying to convince and reassuring ourselves..(which is our compulsion isnt it) OCD is nothing you can reason with and the more we 'argue' with it the more power we give it. Seeking reassurance is a quick fix but its poison as it keeps the cycle going, empowering the OCD..

Sorry if Im stigmatising here or if Im getting this wrong but Im gonna try and give you an example:

Someone with 'handwashing ocd' might have thoughts and worries they feel the need to balance out with exessivly washing their hands..BY washing their hands though they have given into the OCD and its 1-0 OCD..they feel better for a little while till the next thought pops up or something has happened which they feel has contaminated them whatever and the anxiety gets worse and worse till they wash they hands again...and so the cycle continues and the anxiety often egts worse and worse and so does the compulsion...

With pure O, which seems to be what you suffer with, we have thoughts that we feel the need to kinda balance out but instead of going off to wash our hands we do the mental compulsion of ruminating and seeking reassurance and reasoning from ourselves and others....

Ive said to my husband before, to try and explain it, that on the outside I might appear perfectly normal and maybe even cheerful, chatting away to him but if I had the type of OCD where you wash your hands excessively Id be stood by the sink the whole time scrubbing away....my compulsions are not visible, if they were Im sure some people would be shocked how much this is really tormenting me at times!

I hope I managed to explain it ok, I usually waffle on for ages and then someone else will put all that in one sentence that actually makes far more sense than what I wrote :laugh:

Deep deep down you know who and what you are, you just cant see or trust it because of the OCD.. it feels so very very real doesnt it :dry:

Im trying to just let it be, Im not battling with it, trying to rationalise with it, nothing, its there and well it can stay there..it might have its opinion but I have mine :a1_cheesygrin:

[Guest lucylia]

You speak with great knowledge of ocd. Its good speaking to another sufferer who knows all the tricks of the trade (reasurrance seeking)! I to have become an expert at hiding my illness. Friends of mine who dont know i have this illness would never tell. All my compulsions are in my own mind. Im constantly,no matter where i am or who i am with trying to "figure out" why i had the thought,what it means,what it means about who i am as a person,im forever tryin to solve the unsolvable. I just cant accept that sometimes in life we just get thoughts,maybe they are normal,maybe they are not,but at the end of the day they are merely thoughts. NOTHING MORE!! This is me trying to convince myself lol . . .did you notice that xx

Lucy xx

[Guest PatsyG]

Yep Im the same, constantly analysing, ruminating..its no fun :dry: People wouldnt be able to tell I dont think because i too put on a bit of a front, dont like people seeing me when im down and stuff..the only person that really saw what it does to me is my husband but he just used to think I was really moody..well suppose you would be when you have horror movies going through your head starring yourself and your own children and I could be fine at times until Id have too much time to think or something would trigger it...

Im FOREVER trying to make sense of my own mind and do go down completly wrong paths at times trying to find answers when really some of it is just the OCD causing havoc in my head...its hard to tell whats what isnt it, it feels equally real...

Sometimes I even go back to basic again and question whether I really have OCD, especially when people around me reckon I dont have it or use it as an excuse..as if I dont worry about that already, Im forever questioning myself and what I do and why and so on, I make triply sure I dont use it as an excuse for things...

Oh its not easy is it...with my first bad OCD episode I did get to the stage of it being merely in the back of my head..this site helped a lot with that! I still have those thoughts too but not very often, they do pop up at times and occasionally they put a little doubt into my head but it doesnt stay and I move on and usually forget about it...so it is possible :original:

[Guest hippogirl]

ScottOCDid, I just joined so that I can say you are heaven-sent! You could never know how much relief you have given me right now. You have answered and challenged every question and thought that has gone through my head for the last 4 weeks. Every last word of your article has reassured me that I'm not crazy, and confirmed to me that it is definately OCD that I have been suffering with over the last 6 years, and possibly much longer. I might just be able to genuinly enjoy Christmas now! 4-step method here I come..... :clapping:

Edited December 19, 2008 by hippogirl

[Guest lucylia]

Finding out your not alone and there are others who share your thoughts is the biggest relief . . .i think i might become obsessed with this site lol xx

[benjamin]

Hi

For seeking comfort this site can be very addictive but if that is what it takes to get better then so be it and I hope this makes you better Lucylia. I also worry that people say nice things to make me feel better but they are not, they probably genuinely mean it. Why does the slightest negative opinion count from others without the disease? If you are sure of something good, why does the unimportant theory from someone else matter? You know you are right but why does OCD make you ruminate over other people?

Ben

Edited December 20, 2008 by benjamin

[Guest lucylia]

Im not really sure why it matters but my ocd seems to attatch itself to all things negative. If the most intellectual person in the world,the most saintly person in the world told me my thoughts were ok,that they were no big deal,i could grasp that hope . .but all it would take would be for one insignificant person to say,no its totally wrong. . .and i would immediately believe them. No matter what! There would be nothing anyone else said to me that would matter. Im on 150mg of clomipramine,i am prescribed diazepam in great times of desperate need (my nerves are so shattered my body physically cant stop shaking,being sick etc),ive had a psychiatrist since i was about 5,and i have had about 5 courses of CTB! Medication helps,i only know this as my symptoms are alot worse when i dont take them,diazepam helps (only short term),my psych helps, when i manage to manipulate her into reassuring me,and i have never felt like cbt helps at all. This site,probably helps the most. And not in a reassurance snese,in more of a comfort sense! you know?? xx

Lucy xx

[benjamin]

Hi

This is exactly what I think. Even when 40 people tell me that I am right about something, it takes just one person to say something even slightly insignificant and it throws it all back into doubting and rumination. Who would a non OCD sufferer believe, 1 person out of 40? I dont think so. The doubts are bought on even when proven to be 100%. On the smallest, smallest possible chance of doubt.

OCD is evil beyond doubt. That is one thing I dont doubt, the sheer evil of OCD. Hitler doesnt compare lol.

I think the more you hear of other people talk of the same experiences then the easier it becomes and easier to realise that the doubts are just irrational and it is all in your head. That is when you begin to accept that what you know is right.

[Guest PatsyG]

Yeah Im the same in regards of reassurance :dry:

Even when its reassurance that I crave to hear at the timeOCD will still quickly dismiss it..often it comes down to thinking that that person doesnt really know me well enough or something like that, so that makes the reassurance worthless.

Even little comments from people I manage to relate to myself and my particular current ocd problem and theres almost a touch of magical thinking in there where I think certain songs on the radio are trying to tell me something :blushing: Stupid, i relate everything to whats going on in my head, like my brains looking for things and filtering it all out

[Guest helpseeker]

Im not really sure why it matters but my ocd seems to attatch itself to all things negative. If the most intellectual person in the world,the most saintly person in the world told me my thoughts were ok,that they were no big deal,i could grasp that hope . .but all it would take would be for one insignificant person to say,no its totally wrong. . .and i would immediately believe them. No matter what! There would be nothing anyone else said to me that would matter. Im on 150mg of clomipramine,i am prescribed diazepam in great times of desperate need (my nerves are so shattered my body physically cant stop shaking,being sick etc),ive had a psychiatrist since i was about 5,and i have had about 5 courses of CTB! Medication helps,i only know this as my symptoms are alot worse when i dont take them,diazepam helps (only short term),my psych helps, when i manage to manipulate her into reassuring me,and i have never felt like cbt helps at all. This site,probably helps the most. And not in a reassurance snese,in more of a comfort sense! you know?? xx

Lucy xx

Hey lucy,good on you for having the guts to putting this post up,to me you sound like a decent person dont let the ocd tell you different!

I can pretty much relate to you and a few others on this topic and it is really getting me down, i sometimes dont even want to go out or face the world ,these thoughts realy bother me ,thses are thoughts that i would never do ,but sometimes my mind tricks me into belveing i like it but i dont and once they are there i try to find a solution to cancel out this feeling but i never do.

I never use to be like this ,it only started last year and now almost evry waking hour i spend either trying to figure ways to stop ruminating,why this happend or when things are going well i remind myself that ive not thought of it for a while which then leads me to finding sumthing that eventualy leads me to going back into this thought loop.

its realy getting me down,im in a new relationship and i really like this person ,i want to share everything with them including what im going through but im scared they will think im a freak or il scare them away.

im so glad there are other people who i can relate to on here because i feel like im not alone ,i really want to get sum therapy but have not got the guts to go for it yet,i just want to know how anyone has approached there doctor with this type of problem?It would be great if somebody could advise me.

Thanks for reading this and sorry if i went on too long!

[Guest iwantoutofmyhead]

I have to say, you are a bit of a genius ScottOCDid. This is brilliant writing, and also makes so much sense i don't think i've seen writing like this in a while. Thanks for this =)

[Guest Serpent7]

Thanks so much- I'm new here and just browsing through the threads and I came across this- this has helped quite a lot.

Thanks again.

[Guest cat1]

hi scottocdid,thanks for your great post! can i ask if ur an ocd expert,or a recovered ocder? sorry if it sounds rude,but my ocd doubting is wondering if i can believe what u say,although i do think logically i believe it.did u have sexuality obsession? ive had it for three years,im a gay woman with false bisexual fears.what i hate is how real it can feel when im anxious,even though i know its not.Last night i was crying as i couldnt take anymore

Thank you :hug: