;-(

[megz150]

All my worries are about saying or implying bad about dad, especially in terms of saying he's done or said anything untoward to me.

Earlier with friend who got in my car I said how r u? and she said 'I've been pi££ed off today' and i started to say something because i think i thought she was referring to when we were bickering earlier on but quickly realised she meant with work. I'm worried tho that for a second i thought she meant something sinister or i ahd it in my head that it was something sinister and spoke based on that, simply because all i think about is sinister stuff.

She also said 'I can't believe its end of march already, time flies' and i said 'i know its creepy' and have panicked like 'why did i use the word creepy?'

My main concern is I was telling friends a story i read about a man trying to kill this woman in her own room and I said something like 'u wouldn't be able to scream tho, its like when u...' and i changed it to 'like i read that if you are that scared, u can't even scream'. now I'm petrified thinking what did i actually say, what did it imply and what the hell did i mean? for some reason i think i had like a faint memory of being young and trying to cry out and couldn't but I'm petrified that I've made it up and am remembering it as my dad being untoward with me when i best not be cos that will not be true at all and i will be distraught if iv mentioned it based on thinking that!! I kind of feel i remember dreaming something like that where i was trying to call out for whatever reason and couldn't, and kind of feel i remember being younger and just scared at night, NOTHING TO DO WITH DAD! just like house noises or id watched something horrible on tv or just scared like kids get in the dark at night occasionally. But what if I'm remember thinking at the time 'is that dad?' hearing a noise and not being able to scream? Maybe thinking it was him in a bad way or hoping it was him i could hear and not some stranger in our house. Ah I'm so scared of myself and my mind. My dad is such a lovely man.

Even driving this evening with my friends, twice i was like 'ah' as I went to interrupt my friend speaking to say something else, like once was cos i thought i missed turning to other friends house and can't remember other but i think did i do it intentionally because she said something sinister or about dads being pervy or something'

Also at bar i was saying a man was fit. Im 24 and i said lets hope he's 40. I like older men when not that old i guess and i don't know why i said it. I knew my friend would be like 'ew thats like your dads age' and she did, and i laughed and said 'oh yeah, oh yeah maybe not'. But I'm so worried whether i raised eyebrows or pulled a face as if to say 'i know, and?'. Is that like I'm saying i like my dad in a fanciable way or so what if he's like a dad age? Was i saying it like kind of a joke? DiD I just not care or think about what it would imply, did i think she wouldn't be sure what i meant so doesn't matter. Did i said 'i know, and?' or 'and?' or 'so' or 'i know' cos i know ports sounds like I'm saying i like that fact but 'i know, and?' would more mean 'so what, its only an age'. But i think id say it to test myself, to see what it implied and what she thought? please help me. Do i fancy dad? for a second when speaking do i just not know what i think or mean because I'm so up in my head that i end up saying and implicating all this weird stuff because i don't know what I'm about anymore? I don't understand my head

[Guest Em123]

Hello sweetie xx

First of all you need to try and calm down and chill out ? i can relate massively to your problem. You are most definately over thinking, over questioning and over analysing every step of your day. Just like i do!

This is a big part of ocd. The whole not being able to remember proberly what happened and feeling like somethings happened or been said, but you know deep down its not real yet it feels real.

You are most definately questioning yourself. No one has done anything wrong here and is clearly obvious that this is ocd at work. You need to try and label these thoughts as ocd and not give them attention. Which is extremely difficult when everythint feels feel and it all gets to much.

X

[megz150]

I worried earlier on that I'm saying things and speaking as tho having convo with self and speaking the a schizophrenic.

Tonight my friends said at the table 'it's like u r talking to yourself and answering your own questions'. and laughed talking about our whatsapp conversation over ohone. Did I just say I think I was! Or I know, I was! Or joke I think I'm going schizo! Did I mention like omg and I thought earlier am inschizo? Thinking they will think I'm saying it not really meaning it. What if I said something and now I feel- joking or not i can imply and say things that make me sound schizo and get away with saying things. What if it becomes an obsession now and I start saying this as if I'm schizo then I'll get more confused about whether I am or not and what it implies. Like I might start speaking to self and maybe in different tone because it'll be in my head!! Dunno whether I mentioned anything bout worrying I was schizo! Did I say I was thinking they won't believe me or think anything of it. I'm worried I'll start saying thing like i am schizofrenic and because it'll become an obsession an dim worried I'll say and imply bad things thinking I can get away with them! Maybe partly pretending I'm joking. Maybe I'll say im not schizo but still act it so people just think 'aw she is but doesn't want to admit it' and still let me get away with saying and implying bad. So many possibilities. I am really scared. Will I convince myself I'm schizo?! Oh god this good be absolutely horrendous and I petrified. I'm throwing up now :-( have I told anyone I'm schizo? Have I joked that I am? Maybe hoping they wouldn't be sure? I'm so sarcastic so maybe If have a smile on face and keep saying 'I am, yeah I am. I really am' like that they won't be sure. If I were to do that which is so likely, would I be joking? Wanting them to not be sure? Wanting them to think I am? Wanting them to listen out for my 'schizo behaviour?'. Maybe cos they will point it out so I'll know when iv said or acted like it. Oh I feel so consumed. Please offer me some advice. I think I am so so scared because I have absolutely no idea how to judge a situation or how to treat a situation if i have/ was to say wrong . I have absolutely no idea how to sort it? Other tha crawl into end and want to die forever which is not a normal response I know.

The reason I thought I sounded schizophrenic much earlier on was cos in traffic with a friend and I said 'come on! I'm on my lunch hour WE'RE on our lunch hour' and she laughed and I'm not sure whether I said I'm schizofrenic, whether I joked about it or what. Maybe I actually thought I was because I remember having the fear a log time ago with OCD so maybe I'm remembering past like I was or am schizophrenic or have schizophrenic tendencies. Mayb i want to say it for attention. Oh god I'm so messed up in my head! Now I can think- was I diagnosed with mild sxhizofrenia, sis they say it had passed, was it just a fear ahh

Also I told my mum the story of my friend telling me about a man who was hid by girls bed waiting to kill her so she walked to bathroom and locked door and got out window and I was telling my mum and I kind of added bits like 'she heard noises and could see in the mirror- must have been like this actually (pointing to my mirror and distance from bed) and said she saw him and thought no I must be seeing things, laued back down and heard noises again and realised it was real'. So worried I'm implicating myself? Or was going to / started to then thought better of it. Did I say 'a bit like me' or 'it happens to me' meaning?! Implicating?? What bit ?? I always get up to go to the loo in night. What if parents hear me and now they think 'is she saying someone's in her room so she goes to bathroom or she worries someone in room so goes to bathroom?' What if tonight I go to bathroom and lock door like girl did. I think I said to mum 'I wouldn't even have the mindset to casually walk to bathroom and get out if it was me. Did I mentioned like I mentioned to friend about not being able to scream when fear? Maybe it's happened to me recently because I fear everything at night with regards to OCD? Like hearing sounds I worry it could be dad (simply because I never want to think bad about him or have a reason to speak bad about him) but I know it's not! Don't think so. Hope not! Oh god :-( but I still might have got myself so worked up that I couldn't scream. But I wouldn't have tried to scream?!! Unless I tried to faintly scream like internally and quietly in my throat and couldn't! Oh god I'm so messed up

[megz150]

So worried whether I joked implied or said anything bad when spelling to the girls about the man in girls

Room

And how scary it would be. Jen said she can't have her wardrobe doors open and I said 'me neither but it's weird xos u know no ones in there lol' did I then pull a face like or do u?

Maybe I said something in a jokey way like 'I hear noises all the time and worry it's my dad coming in?' Or something?!!! Would they have taken it as a joke? Did I want them to? :/(

[megz150]

Feel I say things so mum looks at my notes that I'm always writing on ohone (basically writing everything I write on these forums to myself) but I don't know if it's coincidence I'm saying something that sounds like it could be telling her to look at what I'm writing. Or I might be writing on notes and say come look at this and still be on notes but quickly come off it to show her something so I'm confused what I wanted her to see? Or cos iv got so much OCD in my head I accidentally say something that sounds lim asking mum to look at notes but I didn't mean to

[megz150]

Thank you so much. It's so difficult isn't it? How are u feeling this week? I think I'm so scared because I don't feel I know how to judge things at all and don't know how to cope with something I did or said wrong, other than to get into bed and never come out. I want to be 'normal' in judgement. Do u find it never seems to be a simple case of yes I said wrong or no I didn't. It's always 'I think I did but in this way or that way and I said it because they said that so it was kind of unintentional and then I did this... ' I used to see it was OCD and now I feel it's a case of something has been done or said but not necessarily as bad as I think or something, I don't know how to judge without getting so caught up? Like I'll think 'I did say such and such but maybe mum wouldn't pay attention so it doesn't matter' rather than none of it's true :/

[megz150]

Thank you so much. It's so difficult isn't it? How are u feeling this week? I think I'm so scared because I don't feel I know how to judge things at all and don't know how to cope with something I did or said wrong. Do u find it never seems to be a simple case of yes I said wrong or no I didn't. It's always 'I think I did but in this way or that way and I said it because they said that so it was kind of unintentional and then I did this... ' I used to see it was OCD and now I feel it's a case of something has been done or said but not necessarily as bad as I think or something, I don't know how to judge without getting so caught up? Like I'll think 'I did say such and such but maybe mum wouldn't pay attention so it doesn't matter' rather than none of it's true :/

[megz150]

Does anyone have any feedback on how to make judgements? It always feel like iv definitely said something but it might not be that bad or might not be taken how I think or something. The last thing I want to do (and feel I do do) is say things thinking 'parents understand it's my OCD and won't pay any attention'. The belief that I keep doing this is a major reason why I analyse. Do you think I can get though this without a therapist?

[megz150]

My friend was telling me a story about a man who was in a woman's room by her bed waiting to kill her. And...

'Did mum tell u about that story, in America?Omg

It's so creepy isn't it? So

Creepy' I said, Staring at dad. I was gonna say 'the worst part is she thought she was seeing things and wasn't' but didn't say it xos that part I made up I think?!?! But sounded good but didn't wanna implicate anything as sometimes I get worries about whether dad in room even tho I know he's not. But then I think maybe that's what I wanted to imply? And it's so bad that I can't remember what part of the story is true and what iv made up- it's really dangerous :-( I wanna be able to explain every noise and sometimes I can't. I even panic about ghosts. Thinking it's ghosts and worried I believe it and it could be, knowing to others that it would sound like

A cover. And I think is it a cover? Or so I believe In ghosts?!

[megz150]

Feel I say things so mum looks at my notes that I'm always writing on ohone (basically writing everything I write on these forums to myself) but I don't know if it's coincidence I'm saying something that sounds like it could be telling her to look at what I'm writing. Or I might be writing on notes and say come look at this and still be on notes but quickly come off it to show her something so I'm confused what I wanted her to see? Or cos iv got so much OCD in my head I accidentally say something that sounds lim asking mum to look at notes but I didn't mean to. I just don't know how to judge anything. Does anyone have tips? X