Not sure I can take much more :/

[MissSparrow07]

Right I need to start from the beginning, I've had OCD for 5 years or so, 2012-2013 was great in terms of OCD until last September, I've had both of my grandad's die within a year of each other and university life has kind of sucked recently.

But my OCD has been flaring up BIG time over the past 3 weeks or so, including every single area of rumination I've had: paedophilia, relationship, sexuality, self-harm, suicide, you name it I've had it. But the thing that has triggered it all is something I needed to talk about and see if this is normal. Basically when me and my step-sister were younger (say about 10-12? There's only a year or less between us) and basically she used to play "sexual dares" and games with her other stepsister (she lives with her mum and we only saw her at weekends) and basically she persuaded me to play them with her, and so we would pretend to be having sex (fully clothed) with our teddies and stuff, or pretend to be having sex with the door or wall messing around. Then she suggested we play sex education class and so she kissed my cheek and stuff messing around and I told her to stop. But with my OCD false memories are beinn created or memories are being manipulated as I am sure I remember her being on top of me pretending to have sex with me like for a few seconds and I didn't like it but it didn't bother me too much (but i can't remember if our trousers were down slightly or not). There was no touching of each other's bodies involved. BUT I have been so worried that like it was abuse or something or like it's not normal behaviour? And I remember this took place over one weekend and the next day I'm sure I was like let's play that game again but pretend there are boys in the classroom and I remember unhooking my bra, but never revealing anything (I never used to get undressed or reveal anything in front of anyone) but I remember her being like "do we have to play?" and then I was like "come on it will be fun or something". But I worry that I either forced her to play or she forced me to play, but seeing as she played the game with her other stepsister first then I'm sure it wouldn't be me? I don't know?

But also been getting worried thoughts about being attracted to children even though I obviously would never do anything (as you know if you have that though) and that's just been annoying me more than anything/

But I was really scared the other day because I genuinely thought I was going to harm myself or something so SOMEONE would help me :/ it really scared my boyfriend (who is great with it all) but I asked him to take my medication away so I didn't take more than I should...

I just need a sympathetic ear I guess and for someone to say it's okay and tell me if this is normal?

[Guest OCDelighted]

It's normal where OCD is concerned.

It's not a surprise that you have developed an obsession that is focused around a sexual theme. It's not a coincidence either.

The truth is that kids are curious about sex and will enter into some form of sexual exploration at some stage in their life with friends or relatives. It's not uncommon and it's not unheard of, the problem is that you're over thinking it, and your trying to understand why? you allowed yourself to participate and what does this say about you?

You think that it hasn't crossed your stepsisters mind from time to time? The difference being that she most likely shrugs it off, she'll think to herself 'oh yeah I remember that, that was pretty weird' and as quickly as the memory popped into her head it's gone. It might crop up again in the future but she'll react to it in much the same way she did the 1st time and the 2nd and 3rd and so on.

Why? Because it means nothing, it's of no importance.

The more you try to remember and make sense of the event the more confused you'll become.

The past is in the past where it belongs.

[MissSparrow07]

Thank you so much for your response I keep trying to forget about it, but then I'll remember like a few months or a year down the line. It was like 10 years ago now! haha But hopefully it will pass over again but thank you for your response it helped a lot

[findingithard]

we've all played games like that, trust me.

i played them with friends, some were younger than me and some were older than me and some were the same age.

you can't keep beating yourself up over something that happened ages ago, i did that not too long ago but realised i was young and stupid.

how old are you? if you don't mind me asking x

[MissSparrow07]

I'm 21 now and yeah I keep trying to tell myself that but it hasn't seemed to work yet

[findingithard]

so you were 11? i was 12 when it happened with me. friends, cousins and siblings all play sexual games, you were too young to realise what you were doing. people with ocd play on these sorts of things, probably most of the population have done stuff like that, honestly. the difference between people with ocd and people without is that they don't care, they don't place importance on the past, they probably remember but just shrug it off. probably think to themselves ha...yeah. and then go on with their lives. if you ever need to talk, you can just send me a message x

[Mrs brown]

Hey guys I just wanted to say I had very similar experiences when I was a child! I never use to think about it but when my intrusive thoughts started when I was 19..(I'm 20 now) I constantly think of it and feel really guilty and like I done something wrong. I've done SO much research and it's reassuring to know nearly everyone has these type of experiences they probably just don't question it and beat themselves up about it!

[MissSparrow07]

Yeah I completely understand how you feel! But doing research (like you) most people have experienced them, I seem to be okay on this topic at the moment though But at the same time, I cant help but feel if this experience is what has actually caused me to have OCD, I don't think it is but at the same time I'm worried that it is only this event that has given me OCD.

[MissSparrow07]

New thread started - please see new thread to post or read updates.

Edited June 18, 2019 by MissSparrow07