I just had a thought about something my therapist lady said that has got me sooo worried, please can you help?

[Guest Saz]

I don't know why I've not mentioned this earlier. When I went for a bit of supposed cbt therapy ages ago, the lady said to me at the end of 3 sessions (thats all she thought I needed) that in her opinion all that seemed to be the problem was this one event that I attended-as in nothing else, I had just got my self worried about this one thing-even though im sure I told her that im a generally anxious person and went into more detail from the past.

Please this isn't re-assurance, im now really confused-she thinks I was fine before this event-so this just re-enforces my belief that something bad had happened at this event-my false memory is true and I was fine before!

Again I can't cope with this, I'll never get over this.

[Guest irretractable]

The fact that this just popped into your head is completely consistent with it being an OCD thought. And, besides, your therapist is not all-knowing. She would have absolutely no way of know whatever happened at that event. So she would have no ability to have any opinion about what did or didn't happen at that event. She wouldn't be able to reassure you, and she wouldn't be able to tell you something happened. And if you only saw her for three sessions, she would really have no idea of know whether you were fine before this event anyway. You can't get to know someone in three sessions. Try not to torture yourself.

[Guest Saz]

Thank you irretractable.

my thoughts surrounding this one intrusive thought are torturing me! I do see what you are saying though about her not really knowing me.

My mind is so tired from it all now-I just wish I could move on and believe what everyone is telling me-that I didn't do anything wrong x

[vintagegirl]

The thing is hun even if you did do something wrong what can you do now? Absolutely nothing obsessing and worrying won't change it youl never ever know if you did do something awful and youl never know if its all just a product of ocd, the fact your showing such anquish over this and a high level of anxiety would lead me to believe you didn't do what you think you might have, you have to now work on accepting this and moving on with your life, I know its very hard and you so desperatly want to know for sure you didn't do anything but hun you can never reach that conclusion, accept you might have and you might not have and put all of your effort now into moving forward and working on the anxiety you can do it your strong enough to move passed it! xx

[Guest Saz]

Hi vintage girl and thank you.

The problem is its so bad the thought that I can't move past it, its the worst kind, the image is something so inappropriate so I need to know if their is any truth in it so I can see what happened. I am worried I was in a situation that was out of my control and thats not fair eg spiked or dodgy drinks as my friend has suggested.

However its so hard to bring this subject up..'oh by the way I think I could have acted inappropriate/caused distress to someone'. The thing is I know id never do that but I was in a different country, feeling a little vulnerable.

I don't know what to do to move past it. I keep thinking of so many months or years down the line were this could re-surface if any truth to it and I can't handle that thought. I know im thinking in catastrophic terms but I can't help it. X

[Franklin12]

When you say you don't know what to do to get past this, what have you tried so far? I don't mean that in a horrible way, I'm just wondering what techniques you have tried - what your strategy is when you start obsessing? I wonder if you are still stuck on trying to look for the answer, and looking for ways to find out if your fears are true (getting reassurance that your fears are consistent with OCD, considering asking your friend who was at the event if you did whatever). Because no matter what answers you get, you will never get clarity. The best clarity you will get will come when you stop asking questions. Its a horrible paradox. Your feel that your fear is so dreadful if it were true, but then we all feel our fears are dreadful, otherwise we wouldn't be so freaked out by them. Take the fear that you have knocked someone over and killed them, which I have had. Of course that would be dreadful if it were true. Killing a human being and driving away without stopping - of course that's terrible. The difference is that it's very easy to do compulsions on this one to get a quick answer - go over your route or look in the papers to see if anyone was killed in a hit and run. You can have pretty good certainty fairly quickly that you didn't. It doesn't stop you having the same fear again, and again, and again, but the answer/reassurance is pretty quick. In your case, you brain has managed to concoct a fear that is difficult to find the answer to. All your days and months and years of rumination can not tell you what happened. So I understand this is difficult, but your fear is not unusually terrible for people with OCD, all our fears are terrible to ourselves. The problem is that you are continuing to engage with the thoughts, and are still looking for the answer, because you think it would be negligent of you to not do so. This is the same for all of us too - not washing my hands would be negligent because I might contaminate someone, not checking the oven is off is negligent because I might blow the house up and kill someone, etc etc. It doesn't matter what the theme, until you make a commitment to stopping performing your compulsions, this question will go round and round in your head. I know it sounds impossible to you where you are right now, but if you stop engaging with this thought, using all the techniques that have been shown to work, the thought WILL lose its power over you. You will never think that that would be an ok thing to happen, but you will be able to see from a distance that actually the likelihood is ridiculously tiny, and that this is mental illness speaking. If you want to make this better you have to take a leap of faith, tell yourself you didn't do it even if you don't believe it yet, and start applying the four steps/whichever other techniques have been shown to work. If you need a therapist to help guide you through then maybe it's a good idea to find a decent one who has experience of treating OCD.

[vintagegirl]

bless you hun i know its so very hard, have you considered or even able to contact the person in question or local authorities in that country to see if any crimes were reported, this isnt great for your ocd and youd probably end up doubting again anyway but maybe that will help leave this in the passed? i dont know if either of those things are realistically things you could actually try but worth mentioning hun xx

[Guest Saz]

Thanks both for your replies.

Franklin, I know what you mean, its weird everything you say makes total sense. I am just completely lost in this, ive lost all perspective to be honest. It's like you say everyones fear is unique to them and must make them feel horrendous. Also I do think that what you said to me about other people finding closure on one fear only for another fear to arise is spot on but for me I have just this one that obviously im struggling to find the answer to. I have this one that hopefully is just ocd but won't go away whereas other people have lots of smaller ones (just as horrid to them).

Vintage girl, I was at a wedding of a friend and its to do with me acting inappropriately to someone at the wedding, thats one of the images that came to me so I wouldn't need to go so far as to get in touch with anyone from the other country. This is why I've been asking my friend who was there and who I trust. In the image I see myself in the toilet. I feel myself getting all anxious now just thinking about this. It makes no sense at all, I don't see how it could of even came about yet it did feel real when I first thought it-again its something id never do, its wrong on every level. X

[Franklin12]

I absolutely don't think that you should be trying to contact local authorities to see if you can find answers! I meant that its the same problem, but with something like running someone over, you do the compulsion but then you STILL have the urge to do it again, and then again, and over and over. So the misery is still there, it's just different to yours (and many others) where you seem to be just looking for one answer, but even if you did get an answer on that one you probably would either not believe the answer or would get another thing to obsess over. My point is that you should be looking to cut out your compulsions, with or without the help of a therapist, as that's the only way to rid yourself of OCD. The real answer to all of this is the same, regardless of whether you have lots of short term obsessions or one big long one.

[Guest Saz]

To be honest I think my thoughts the next few days were getting mixed up and I was thinking of real situations id been in-similar but harmless, plus stories id heard from other people when they were drunk but also news stories etc, bad ones. All of these things for some reason were going through my mind. Also id have all the faces from the people who were at the wedding going through my mind-including children who were there-so yiu can imagine my distress and why my mum thought I could of been spiked.

[Guest Saz]

I think your right franklin, that is not wise. To be honest im pretty sure my friend's think im mad, ive mentioned my concerns to a couple b them, not in the fullest detail but they know I worried I upset someone/a child or did something wrong and they say no and I should go back to g.p. so I guess I can't do anymore than that. I've tried my best. I need to stop doubting myself! X

[Guest Saz]

Sorry Franklin I didn't answer your question regarding what im doing to move past this and if im using any techniques. I am as you say still stuck trying to work all this out for the most part, trying to understand how, why, what, where etc. I am going round in unpleasant circles and I know im not helping myself here. Thanks for your replies though x