Shame and guilt about childhood

[Binxy]

Hi,

I've been getting a lot of flashbacks from my childhood recently- some nice and others really worrying. I remember "playing doctor"/"show me yours and I'll show you mine" when I was younger- probably below ten. I remember a couple of times quite vividly. But now, whenever I think of my childhood I get this familiarity that I abused friends sisters or did horrible things. I can't remember specifics just a familiarity of feeling.

I'm really scared by this, it kept me up half of the night. I feel so ashamed. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know if I'm just projecting my fears onto the past or what.

[battlethrough]

Ocd,treat it as such,make your goal to reduce ruminateing with distraction,just try to reduce it a bit day by day

The more you ruminate the more your locked in

[ecomum]

My ocd often dredges things up from the past like this.like if i told a lie or something and i feel bad all night.things do seem wotse at night.all children do this kind of thing its normal its how we learn.its just ocd makes more of things than they are.my son told the same lie as i did and i just thought" oh hes a kid" and thats all we were.

[Binxy]

Thanks so much, I feel horrible. I suppose I'm looking at my childhood through the eyes of an adult which I shouldn't do. I spoke to a girl on facebook today who I thought I might have done something horrible to. She couldn't even remember me. I know I did some stuff that I don't like now but I was a kid- then the OCD gets hold of it and tells me that I was some sort of deviant as a child. I feel really down about it. It feels very familiar.

[Guest lizinlondon]

The thing is that you are looking back to your childhood as an adult, with an adult mind. You have to remember when these things happened you were a child with an innocent mind - you did not intend anything bad. As ecomum says kids do these things as part of learning - I definately played those kind of games, but it was all innocent.

What is happening now is that OCD is twisting things and torturing you. Don't engage with the thoughts and don't ruminate. Stay in the present.

As you said the woman on facebook can't even remember you!

[Mrs brown]

I'm so glad I seen this post as I've been struggling with the same thing. Basically I had a lesbian experience as a child with a friend the same age as me we must have been between the ages of 8-10 I think it only happened once as I didn't like what we done but ever since I started having intrusive thoughts about a year and a half ago I literally think about this every single day when it never use to cross my mind. I'm still friends with the girl now and shes always really nice to me when we see each other so I don't know if she even remembers what we done. I've researched so much on this and found out other people had these kind of experiences which gave me reassurance but I still question everyday omg was this abuse should I tell someone should I speak to my friend to see if she remembers. It's horrible feeling this guilty every single day

[Binxy]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm horrified looking back that it was abuse. I can't really remember. It seems that every memory I have I can look at and feel like I might have done something. It feels so familiar

[PolarBear]

I've researched so much on this...

That's a compulsion and it needs to stop. By doing so you are making sure this errant memory stays at the forefront of your mind.

You need to learn to accept that what happened, happened. Turn off the rumination machine and get on with your life.

[Saffie]

Yeah reassuring yourself with other peoples' stories is what is keeping the obsession alive.

Although this did make me remember when I played doctor with my neighbour. I was a bossy kid and was pretending to use a stethoscope on his tummy and when he tried to get up because he was bored, I got in a strop and said 'no! lay down, I AM A DOCTOR!' haha. So yeah, maybe we are all sex offenders

[paianjen]

Omg I have been worrying about this too both as evidence that I am a paedo and evidence I was abused. All children experiment don't they? It's not proof of anything is it?

[MissSparrow07]

Oh my God I am literally almost in tears reading this, I am so glad other people have these thoughts too. Whilst my stepsister and I didn't show each other anything or do anything actually inappropriate we played similar games where we would talk about things and pretend to kiss and stuff, I worry that I forced her into playing games, when she was the one who started it and played it with her stepsister, but one day she didn't want to play and I said come on let's play this game and she did, but I worry that I forced her and it was like abuse. But now I know that other people did this too it makes me feel so much better. This has been going on for me on and off for about 10 years (we are about 11-12)

[mummyoftwogirls]

I could list so many things that I did and one that really was quite inappropriate looking back but I didn't see it like that at the time .

When I was 9 I had just heard about sex so I remember tucking a sock into my trousers and me and my girl cousin who was 7 pretend to have sex ! We did this a number of times . I also did this with a few girl mates too.

I'm going to tell you this because I had ocd over it when I had a brief sting of pocd . When I was 11 I wondered if other people got feelings down below like I did I was really curious . I did something looking back now tha was really inappropriate , I took my six month old cousin to the park and wen I was there I quickly rubbed his groin area over the clothes to see if he would react.

Now at the time this was completely innocent curiosity and was in no way for any satisfaction of my own BUT I would still say this is not in the realms of normal 11 year old behaviour but I just wanted to show that things do happen that the "books or media" would say were completly wrong . I'm sure some of you will think this is weird but I think it might help others and I am at peace with it now .

[MissSparrow07]

Has anyone ever discussed this with their therapist or doctor? Im too scated to mention it in case they say I was abused or was an abuser :/ i know this isnt true but worried doctor or thetapists might get the wrong idea? Opinions?

[MissSparrow07]

Also in my earlier post i meant to say we were about 10-12 not are haha

[MissSparrow07]

Anyone got any advice?

[PolarBear]

My advice to you is to leave it alone. Try your best to put it out of your mind. What happened when you were 10 to 12 has no bearing on today. It's in the past; leave it in the past. This is an example of how OCD can latch onto an insignificant event in your past, blow its significance out of proportion and fixate on it. You make matters worse by ruminating over it, going over it in your mind, again and again.

Leave it alone. That's the best thing you can do.