Difficult to talk about - my OCD

[Whirlwind]

Hi everyone,

I joined this forum yesterday but have been reading posts on here for a while which has been very helpful.

I had my first group physco-education session last night. I had hoped it would make me feel like others understood but it seemed that everyone there had the more common checking/contamination OCD, I came home in tears feeling like the odd one out.

I have had OCD for about 12 years although I only found out it was OCD in June, before which I had never been to the doctor.

I now can identify many different symptoms throughout my life and it has now developed into the worst topic I can think of...my fear of causing harm to children.

I don't feel I can talk about it like the other kinds of OCD for fear of what people may think. I have never and would never wish to harm anyone, I have a loving family and consider myself a kind and (over) sensitive person.

I am determined to beat this as I want to have a family and I am not letting it stop me doing something I have wanted for as long as I can remember.

Does anyone else on here suffer in this way? Has anyone had this type and managed to improve their anxiety?

Thank you,

Whirlwind x

[taurean]

Harm OCD is very common, and your particualr version appears from time to time so you are not alone. Oversensitivity in OCD suffererers is normal too - and we tend to think too much, too deeply.

The harm can be to or by the suffererer, Or they can be obsessed about external harm occurring to someone. I had a friend who continually thought her husband was in danger and thought she was going mad, until i told her it was OCD and treatable.

Frankly, beastly though this is, there is no type of OCD that doesn't cause distress and misery. Contamination OCD is a particular case in point.

Its absolutely typical that those of us with harm OCD have no desire to hurt anything - it runs totally against our core values, so it's especially beastly.

You are not at all alone, many people suffer this kind of problem. Healthcare professionals specialising in OCD - and the experienced participants in this forum, understand the problem well but others may finds it difficult unfortunately.

[Guest jonber1970]

Yes I suffer with this as well whirlwind, OCD latches onto the things we fear the most. I also have a daughter and my thoughts started shortly after she was born. Before that I had other variations of OCD, probably like yourself. Harming others, harming myself, sexuality etc.

The reason this particulary variation of OCD causes so much distress is that we love our children so dearly and value their welfare above our own, this makes it an easy target for OCD. With every variation Ive had over the years Ive always said to myself what could be worse than these thoughts, OCD always manages to find one. Its a illness which always finds your worst fears. Read brainlock which Ive just done, will give you an understanding, talk about your fears on here and educate yourself, I believe that would be a good start for you. Everyone is different some techniques will be more helpful to you than others, read up and understanding the illness I believe everyone on here will agree is a good starting point.

Best wishes

Jon

[Whirlwind]

Thank you for your response. I have had a few private CBT sessions and I am now attending the NHS group so I hope that I can really learn how to tackle it and notice the improvements.

I know my worries are irrational and I can see how they have developed over time therefore it seems such a big job to undo all the faulty appraisals I have been making.

It's hard to focus on it enough to get better but not too much so it affects my ability to get on with my day.

Thanks again. X

[Whirlwind]

Hi Jon,

It's so reassuring to talk to you, that must be especially hard with having your daughter. It's such a bitch isn't it!

I have bought Brainlock actually so will have a proper read of that.

Have you done much CBT or noticed much improvement? I always think to myself, how did I get to this point from nothing!? But I know the mind is powerful especially if you don't know what's going on.

Yes I had some of those themes too, and more, but managed to get over them. This one has just stuck, I guess as I'm so scared of it.

I hope one day this is something I can look back on and think thank god I'm better now! The hardest thing is it's only me who can make that happen.

Whirlwind x

[taurean]

My own therapist hsd this kind of problem and she recovered and elected to become a therapist to help others.

I choose. to seek to help others from the sufferer perspective.

Its a tricky one as, unlike with other compulsions, we cannot give in to them

[Guest mimi]

This was the biggest OCD problem I've had. I thought that I would kill myself, although there have been times where I have been worried about harming others as well. In spite of battling this for a long time, I never ever hurt myself or anyone else! I feel confident that you won't either. OCD is all about control and you just fear that you're going to lose control. You are certainly not alone!

[taurean]

Yes I agree it is that concern about losing control that defines this problem.

[PolarBear]

Whrilwind, I spent 40 years believing I was a pedophile. Along with that I got horrific images in my head all the time of doing harm to other people, including children.

I understand what you mean when you say you feel like the odd person out. If you're put in a room with people who all have a different kind of OCD it can be hard at first to find some kind of commonality. What you must realize is that we all have the same disorder; it just manifests differently in each of us. We all have obsessive thoughts that are intrusive and unwanted and that cause distress. We all get bad bouts of anxiety. We are often wrapped in doubt. We all have compulsions that we perform to try and alleviate the distress caused by obsessions (though it doesn't work). We are, on many levels, the same.

You have a nasty disorder like millions upon millions of people around the world. You are not alone.

[taurean]

Well put PB great explanation.

I can add that I was with someone today and felt a massive urge to hurt them.

I just kept on talking and noted it was OCD at work - the real me has no desire to hurt anyone.

Edited October 1, 2014 by taurean

[Whirlwind]

Hi all,

That's so reassuring and I am definitely feeling less 'alone' now!

My compulsions are mental checking, false memory and avoidance. My compulsion isn't that I actually want to hurt anyone, it's just an intrusive thought that X could happen or a flashing image which makes it feel like it's real in some way and that's when I avoid, either by leaving or keeping my arms folded etc. I then go back over the situation in my head to make sure I didn't somehow lose control, even though I know I didn't. It's such a paradox (if that's the right word). If I ever hear a news article related or anything I feel sick and can't listen and detest the thought of anyone harming anything!

I'm so scared of the anxiety and rumination that I avoid those triggers to avoid the process.

One day I can't wait to have a family and be confident that I can look after them without doubting myself.

This is my drive to get better as I know I don't have to be like this forever, it feels like a long way off right now but I know when I have a baby it will be the biggest achievement I have ever made!

It all sounds so crazy reading what I write, I never thought I would talk openly about this.

Let's beat this b**tard guys!!!

Whirlwind x

[Guest silvergrey65]

Hi Whirlwind I have got the exact same OCD problem as you about harming someone especially children. I am 67 and have had OCD for a long time. You said you are a sensitive person and that is why you feel so bad. I do take meds and I am seeing a clinical psychotherapist at the moment. We both know that we are loving, caring people and this is the OCD. Get angry with it, bash a cushion and say let me be I deserve to be happy. I have been a carer most of my life so why would I feel I could hurt someone. You are right when you say lets beat it whatever the OCD manifests itself. Keep distracted being busy does help. Remember you are not alone. When I read your topic I thought there is actually someone out there who is suffering like me. Good luck it will get better. Silvergrey65

[taurean]

Hi Whirlwind I have got the exact same OCD problem as you about harming someone especially children. I am 67 and have had OCD for a long time. You said you are a sensitive person and that is why you feel so bad. I do take meds and I am seeing a clinical psychotherapist at the moment. We both know that we are loving, caring people and this is the OCD. Get angry with it, bash a cushion and say let me be I deserve to be happy. I have been a carer most of my life so why would I feel I could hurt someone. You are right when you say lets beat it whatever the OCD manifests itself. Keep distracted being busy does help. Remember you are not alone. When I read your topic I thought there is actually someone out there who is suffering like me. Good luck it will get better. Silvergrey65

hi silvergrey

As a matter of interest, what medication and doseage are you taking, and how much does it help?

[Guest jonber1970]

Hi Whirlwind, yes it is sometimes difficult to know where it all started. Personally I feel like I have a fairly good understanding of its history in myself and can see how the OCD has changed and adapted to create doubt and further fear. But sometimes it is very hard to recognise this or have faith in yourself.

My ocd has changed a little lately with false messages in my head telling me the way Im like this is because secretly Im really a beast waiting to come out :original: even typing this out made me smile because it sounds so ridiculous. But that doubt remains, trying to reason with it is a mistake as it just creates more doubt, the fight can not be won by using logical arguments in your head. Tried that for many years. Thats why Im on here learning and trying to understand, how to use effective techniques. I hate this illness because it has taken so much of my life that I will never get back. And yes it can be hard sometimes with my daughter, but I am very confident in my head whether Im a beast or not, I would kill myself before I ever hurt her Physically or emotionally, that is my only peace sometimes.x

Best Wishes, stay strong and slay the beast :original:

Jon

[Whirlwind]

Hi Silvergrey65,

Thanks you for your kind words, I also never thought I'd speak to anyone who understood. I used to think to myself, there must be someone else in the world who has such worries....turns out there are loads!

I'm sorry to read that you have suffered with this for such a long time. Have you always known it was OCD? I hope your treatment helps you. I am having group phsycotherapy and have had a few private sessions with an OCD therapist. The theories in tackling it all make sense but when I suddenly feel anxious I tend to go over and over it in my head trying to work out why....even though I should know by now!

I do see myself as a (very) sensitive and caring person. To be honest I struggle to verbalise the worries I get as they are so ridiculous, that's why seeing a therapist one to one was good because I did talk to her and she talked me through things and made me see it in a different was, a logical way and not an OCD way.

Anything you want to talk about on here I'll try to reply more quickly next time!

Kind wishes,

Whirlwind x

[Whirlwind]

Hey Jon,

Yeah I can identify the point at which each of my themes started. Normally me over thinking something on a particular topic and then worrying about why I was thinking about it and then the intrusions start.

I totally get what you said, I have the same doubts.

It's wearing and now that I'm trying to tackle it, I have to acknowledge everything going on in my head rather than burying it which I used to do so it feels like OCD has taken over my life, but in truth, it would take over more if I did nothing anyway!

Whirlwind x