Rock bottom

[Guest nicolam381318]

Things have gone from bad to worse, I really don't know what to do. I was working yesterday and things went pretty well. I seem to be able to push on regardless while I'm at work, no matter how bad things get OCD-wise. However, as soon as I got home, things started to go downhill again. My family are laden with triggers for me and I'm constantly on edge around them, waiting for the worst to happen. The thoughts are constant (even waking me throughout the night). It's overwhelming and I can't cope any more. The constant anxiety is making my behaviour angry and erratic around the house and it's become unacceptable. I would NEVER harm my family physically but I can see how much I'm harming them emotionally and I can't let it continue. I've booked into a cheap hotel for tonight but I have no idea what I'm going to do in the longer term. My family are my reason to live but they are better off without me. I feel totally devastated. My life has fallen apart and I have no idea where to go from here (if there is anywhere to go from here). I know that the solution lies with me, that I have to make the decision to get well but what if you just can't? I've tried doing the right things, putting myself in situations that I know will cause huge anxiety all in the name of exposure but it's just come to this. It's just led to months and months of anxiety to the point where I can't cope anymore. What am I supposed to do?!

[Mòr]

The thing to remember is that even when it seems the absolute worst (and that is pretty terrible), it can always get better! It is so much to deal with, and it isn't easy, but it is possible and it is worth it! You will get through this. You said you can get some relief sometimes when you are at work - is there anything else that can work to distract you? Exercise, a friend, a hobby? Sometimes when I am feeling at that point, if I can manage to distract myself for a while, I can at least gather some energy.

[daisy]

I am so sorry to hear that things are so bad for you,i hope someone on here can offer advice on what to do to help you x

[Guest Pure obsessional Laura]

Nicola please go to your GP and insist they refer you to a psychotherapist. Or pay for one yourself if you can afford it. Get one OCD specific. Please trust that it will help. It did for me and changed my life. I'm not 100% at the moment because I'm having a relapse but it doesn't control me anymore and I felt like there was no hope. You are strong to live with OCD, you deserve help with this x

[Guest nicolam381318]

Thanks for replying. I really don't know what to do this time. I don't feel that I can go home until something has changed, whether that's starting medication, finding a therapist, anything so that I can be sure that things won't be the same or worse when I walk through the door. I can't keep putting my family through this. I'm making everyone's life miserable and they are better off without me. My husband had to ring the OOH doctor on Thur night because I was in such a state. I really wanted to hurt myself. I didn't want to die, I just needed to make the pain stop. My kids shouldn't be seeing things like that. I dread to think how much I've damaged them and it's not right. I can't be in their lives until I know that things are going to be different. It's time to face the reality that I'm not good for them, at least until I can find a way past this extremely dark time.

[PolarBear]

Better your kids learn that even when they have a big problem it can be overcome. You can teach that to them by remaining a part of their lives and working hard to overcome OCD.

Doing exposures is not enough. It's got to be a part of a comprehensive plan for wellness. Having a qualified therapist would be the best way to go but you can do it on your own if you set things up properly.

Understand OCD. That means educating yourself so that you understand the disorder well. Then figure out your own OCD. Figure out what your obsessions and compulsions are. You will have to stop your compulsions but you can't do so unless you know what they are. Set up a plan for how you are going to tackle your OCD. Which compulsions are you going to work on first? Throw in some good exposure therapy and plug away. It can be done.

[Guest Pure obsessional Laura]

Polar Bear has some great advice. Don't punish yourself this is not your fault x

[Saffie]

Sorry to hear this. A positive sign is that you can still push through and function at work...this is proof that you have the strength to fight this, no matter how bleak it seems. I for one am impressed you can hold down a job, I can't. That's something to be proud of. I agree though, somethiing has to change and I suggest seeing someone (psych, gp,) and explain so they can put through an urgent referral. This can be overcome, it might be the hardest thing you ever do but it will be the most worthwhile.

[Guest nicolam381318]

It's like I become a different person when I'm at work. No-one would ever know there was anything wrong. Plus I really love my job and I've always been adamant in my mind that my OCD is not going to ruin that. It's a shame I can't apply that same strong resolution to the rest of my life.

I've got a bit of a plan now though. I can't go home until I know that things could be different so I'm going to stay away tonight and then make an urgent appointment with the GP tomorrow. To be honest, they've been pretty useless up until now but maybe with the change of circumstance (and the note from the OOH service the other night), they might be a bit more proactive this time.

I'm not really sure what I need though. I can see that an urgent GP appointment is appropriate. I've got a routine one booked for a week on Tuesday but I need something to be done before then. I think I need to start medication of some kind but in terms of anything else, I'm already on the waiting list for assessment for CBT (although any talking therapy is likely to be months away). I have no idea under what circumstances people get referred to secondary care. When do the psychiatrists get involved? Do I need that? Apart from the odd spike like this one, I am a functioning individual. I work for the NHS so I really do understand the limited resources and the need to prioritise the sickest people.

[Guest Tricia]

As someone who hasn't managed to overcome OCD, I wasn't going to write, but I am worried about how you feel your OCD is affecting your children and also that you don't seem to feel you are high priority, when clearly you are.

You (or you and your husband) need to push for specialist support. Hopefully medication will help you if you choose to try it (I think it does help about 60% of us).

I am ashamed to write this, but my children endured a most unnatural childhood (and two of my friends have said the same about their children - all in their thirties now). It's very important to be honest with your children and to let them know you are unwell. Explain your problem is irrational but frightening to you. As long as they are aware of this and know they are loved children are amazingly resilient.

Also, don't feel guilty for functioning at work better than at home, this is very common with OCD.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Tricia

[Guest nicolam381318]

Thanks Tricia. I absolutely adore my children and they know that. I tell them I love them every day. But it isn't fair that they have to witness the sort of things that they have seen over the past few months. They are still very young (only five and two) and they don't have the ability to understand what's going on. I have tried to explain that mummy gets worried sometimes and that makes me sad but as things have been getting worse, I've had episodes of intense anger and frustration and that is not acceptable around children of any age. Unfortunately, my kids have become my biggest triggers and most of these episodes tend to happen when they are around. I'm not making excuses. My behaviour around them has been totally unacceptable and that's why I've had to leave. I've encouraged my husband to phone his sister so hopefully he will be getting some support while I'm away. I do appreciate that this isn't easy for him either. Our lives have totally fallen apart and it's all my fault. I really hate myself for that.

[taurean]

Thanks Tricia. I absolutely adore my children and they know that. I tell them I love them every day. But it isn't fair that they have to witness the sort of things that they have seen over the past few months. They are still very young (only five and two) and they don't have the ability to understand what's going on. I have tried to explain that mummy gets worried sometimes and that makes me sad but as things have been getting worse, I've had episodes of intense anger and frustration and that is not acceptable around children of any age. Unfortunately, my kids have become my biggest triggers and most of these episodes tend to happen when they are around. I'm not making excuses. My behaviour around them has been totally unacceptable and that's why I've had to leave. I've encouraged my husband to phone his sister so hopefully he will be getting some support while I'm away. I do appreciate that this isn't easy for him either. Our lives have totally fallen apart and it's all my fault. I really hate myself for that.

Its not your fault Nicola its the illness that has caused this.

Go with Tricia's guidance on getting help.

Roy

[ktrk855]

I feel your pain, i know what it feels like to see how the one`s you love the most are suffering to see you so hurt and messed up and the guilt that comes with it. I also feel the pain and axiety even through my sleep and life seems constant torture, even breathing is too painful. But i admire you, you have husband and children, and you can keep a job. I have almost lost hope to have my own family one day, even if it is one thing i always wanted. I feel ocd is robbed almost anything from me and i feel guilty for letting this happen for so many years. So despite all the struggles, you have achieved so much. You are stronger than you think and give yoursef credit for that. Are you on some kind of medication? I am on antidepressants but my doctor says i should start taking neuroleptics, it feels little scary but i have seen on my family member with ocd that it really has helped him. So maybe is this solution for us.

[Guest Tricia]

Nicola, please try not to hate yourself. You did not choose to be ill.

My children were younger than yours when my OCD became very severe. They also witnessed scenes no child should, but they have turned into well-balanced adults. One of my friends, who told me she almost left her four-year-old child with her husband because she felt it was wrong she should have an abnormal childhood, consulted a psychologist who told her no one could love her daughter more than she, and as long as a child is not physically abused they are better with their mother.

There is nothing wrong with your taking a break from your family, but don't ever lose hope that things will improve (especially with the right help). I have one dear friend who left her child with her husband and mother-in-law to raise and she bitterly regrets this. The main reason she did this was to save him from witnessing her rituals as she feared he'd develop OCD. My children, who grew up with all my rituals, do not have OCD. Alas, my friend's son, who didn't ever see his mother's compulsions, developed it.

[Guest nicolam381318]

I do worry about them witnessing my compulsions but it's more my state of mind that I need to protect them from at the moment. The anxiety and panic is unbearable at times, all I can think about is hurting myself to make the pain stop. I have been getting incredibly angry and frustrated (only ever at myself, never at others) and more than once they've heard me say that I would rather die than live like this. I'm embarrassed to talk about it. I know it's completely unacceptable and I would rather people stopped me from seeing them than continue to put them through this. It feels selfish to stay with them while things are so bad. My life has no meaning without them but I don't know what else to do. Even with the right meds and therapy, it's going to be a while before things improve. I have to go back home tomorrow but I really don't know what I'm going to do. How do I cope and try to give them a reasonable life in the meantime?

[taurean]

One step at a time.

Get some meds and get into the system for therapy meanwhile maybe use an OCD self-help workbook so you can codify your OCD and how you are going to ackle it.

[Guest nicolam381318]

Well, I've gone back home but the anxiety is horrendous. I think going away was just one big avoidance scam. It gave me a bit of a break because I was in total control of my triggers but it's solved nothing. I was due to come back tomorrow but I could feel myself descending into panic and I couldn't face going through that alone. I haven't really eaten in five days. I finally managed to eat something tonight but it just upset my stomach. Of course, being me, I came to the conclusion that I had Norovirus and panic ensued. Plus I had this sixth sense that something was happening at home. I text my husband and my daughter has come down with some sort of virus (not gastric, thankfully). I feel like I'm on the edge, I'm pacing about, twitchy and nauseous, and I just want the night to end. There's no point going to bed, I know I'm not going to be able to sleep. I'm really worried about making an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. First of all, I have to get past the receptionist (they always ask about the nature of your condition if you are requesting an urgent appointment), then I'm going to have to face a waiting room of sick people first thing on a Monday morning. How am I going to do that? What am I really expecting from it all anyway? I'm clinging to it like a miracle cure but the reality is that I will come back from the appointment feeling not a lot different than I do now. How am I going to cope with that? How can I face another so many weeks feeling like this? I'm really not in a good way tonight. I feel really quite unwell.

Edited November 24, 2014 by nicolam381318

[Guest lizinlondon]

You sound like I was earlier this year. You really need specialist help. I would recommend seeing your GP, getting referred to a psychiatrist, getting meds and getting refresher CBT. If you can afford it go private, I did in the end. 5 months on and I am 25% better. Might not sound a lot but is a miracle to me. I am still in the early stages of therapy and there is a way to go. I found meds helped a lot.

[Guest nicolam381318]

I saw the GP but she doesn't seem convinced that it's OCD. She said there are a number of mental health disorders that cause obsessions, with OCD being just one of them. She made no attempt at a formal diagnosis (quite appropriately) but suggested agitated depression (a bipolar spectrum disorder) as a possibility. She's given me Sertraline and Olanzepine to stabilise my mood, but I'm not entirely clear whether there is a plan for after that. I have an assessment with iTalk next week to see whether they can help but they are not specialists. I intend to be extremely clear what I need and they may well say they can't provide it. The GP did say that she would consider a referral to the community mental health team in that event but I've got a feeling it will all come to nothing if I show improvement on the meds. I'm quite keen for an underlying diagnosis though. I've been on and off antidepressants all my adult life. If I can find out what's causing it, at least I'll know that I'm getting the right treatment and hopefully it might stop it happening again.

[Guest lizinlondon]

I am not sure if a GP is best placed to diagnose bipolar. Surely if she thinks you have this then she should refer you to a psychiatrist. I would ask to see a psychiatrist. My GP would not refer me to a psychiatrist and sent me for CBT. My condition deteriorated badly. I had a bad reaction to my SSRI, I went hypomanic. I went to a private psychiatrist. I don't see why GPs are so resistant to refer people with severe problems to psychiatrists. My psychiatrist was so kind and she gave me an antipsychotic which I really needed. It is also reassuring that a psychiatrist with years of experience has assessed me properly. I hope you get the help you need. Demand it if necessary!

[Guest nicolam381318]

To be fair to her, my GP was very careful not to offer an actual diagnosis. She just suggested a few possibilities. She has prescribed an SSRI and an antipsychotic (Olanzapine), but the latter is more to reduce my nighttime thoughts and help with my disturbed sleep. I am a bit worried about the SSRI because it is contraindicated in people with mania and if she really thinks I have mixed state depression, I'm not sure I should be taking it. I think at this point though, I'm just going to have to trust her and get on with it.

I've got an assessment appointment with iTalk next week and if they can't help, she said that she'll consider a referral to the CMHT but to be honest, I'm not really sure what that is. Do they have psychiatrists or is it more mental health nurse led? I have noticed a strong resistance to referral to secondary care in general but there is very limited capacity and I suppose they have to be sure that they are referring the right people.

Edited November 24, 2014 by nicolam381318

[Guest lizinlondon]

Not sure what CMHT is but they must have people who can assess you. At least you have the Olanzapine that will buffer any effects of mania if you are vulnerable. But if you do suffer any excess stimulation then revisit your GP and up the dose of Olanzapine. I did not sleep for 5 weeks on my SSRI and was in a bad way when I met my psychiatrist. She was surprised I had slipped through the net and was left in such a state with no support. I think my GP was inexperienced though. I wish I had demanded more. Hope you feel better soon x

[DRFCno1]

CMHT's do indeed have psychiatrists in their team.

[Guest Tricia]

Nicola, drugs that work on dopamine can be beneficial when treating OCD, as long as they are given with an SSRI, but Olanzapine is not one of them, according to Dr David Veale (who specializes in OCD). I know you said your GP prescribed it for disturbed sleep (as well as night time thoughts), but I just wanted to let you know what David Veale says about the drug.

P.S. Just reading your concerns again, could you afford a one-off appointment with a private psychiatrist?

Edited November 25, 2014 by Tricia

[taurean]

Just to add my London private psychiatrist charged £200 3 years ago per consultation.