help

[paianjen]

Hi I have not been on these forums for ages but I am kind of desperate. I had some bad experiences with an ex, and had to deal with my following ex's alcoholism, and I am now a) having paranoid thoughts about men in general b) thinking something happened to me when I was a kid c) I did something to someone. For obvious reasons I can't really talk about this to anyone. I know it is ocd but I don't know how to stop these thoughts because I keep digging around in my past for evidence and bringing up things that I would rather forget, which are not in themselves evidence of any of these obsessions. I had a few years almost completely free of ocd so I didn't go on these forums. I am becoming quite paranoid and I am starting to look at every single guy I know and getting paranoid that they are creepy or would do something perverted. I would really like not to think about this stuff all the time because I hate being so paranoid about my friends and family and random guys that haven't done anything.

I kind of need some help tbh.

[paianjen]

Hello? Is anyone around?

[Symps07]

Hi I have not been on these forums for ages but I am kind of desperate. I had some bad experiences with an ex, and had to deal with my following ex's alcoholism, and I am now a) having paranoid thoughts about men in general b) thinking something happened to me when I was a kid c) I did something to someone. For obvious reasons I can't really talk about this to anyone. I know it is ocd but I don't know how to stop these thoughts because I keep digging around in my past for evidence and bringing up things that I would rather forget, which are not in themselves evidence of any of these obsessions. I had a few years almost completely free of ocd so I didn't go on these forums. I am becoming quite paranoid and I am starting to look at every single guy I know and getting paranoid that they are creepy or would do something perverted. I would really like not to think about this stuff all the time because I hate being so paranoid about my friends and family and random guys that haven't done anything.

I kind of need some help tbh.

Your not going to stop these thoughts is you keep 'digging around', you need to try & stay calm & get on top of them. Find a distraction.

I don't know why you feel you can't talk to anyone, surely there must be someone who knows of your OCD? Someone you can confide in.

Maybe find a quite moment to talk things through with them?

[paianjen]

You're right. I think they have been triggered by a change of jobs and a living situation that is not so great. I do have people I can talk to. Part of the problem is that my obsessions are picking on traumatic things that happened to me as evidence for what they are saying. I find it really hard to talk about this stuff, I will try and talk to one of my friends who knows about it later thoufh.

[Symps07]

I would. Don't be ashamed of opening up to (the right) people, if they care they'll be happy to listen :original:

But in the meantime don't dwell on these things. Remind yourself that this is OCD & don't feed it.

[paianjen]

You are right. I just find it really difficult to open up to people in general there are a few people who know but I haven't talked about it for years and it is difficult.

[Symps07]

You are right. I just find it really difficult to open up to people in general there are a few people who know but I haven't talked about it for years and it is difficult.

It always is (for me too tbh), I always write it down when I'm struggling, find the right way of putting things. Maybe that would help?

Whatever you do, once you get it off your chest it'll help things to become clearer. Just try not to fall into the trap of constantly looking for reasurrance though...

Hope everything starts to pick up for you :original:

[paianjen]

I think just writing it here helped tbh, it helped it to not be so scary. The thing is that it's unfortunately brought up things which aren't related to the ocd that I would rather forget about. I have struggled for years to get a decent relationship with my dad and the ocd is now trying to convince me that he abused me as a kid. The fact that I can't remember things from my childhood, and the fact that he wasn't the best dad in the world, are like being brought up as evidence of this in my head. I really don't want to believe that he is like that. I can't remember anything like that. I can't really bring it up with anyone because in the past myself and him fell out very badly for unrelated reasons. I don't know what has happened to trigger this off. I had a dream about something related to this a few months ago and ever since then the ocd has been trying to convince me that this happened, by thinking well if you didn't why would you have that sort of dream, and so on. I am finding the whole thing massively distressing to be honest and it is keeping me awake at night trying to remember if this happened. As it happens tonight I was at his house and the entire time I was trying to fight this obsession and it made me feel so disgusted with myself and worried about if I could trust him.

I had thought my ocd was gone or under control which is why this is a real shock. It is awful and I forgot how awful this illness was.

[paianjen]

Just writing this down has made me feel a lot better tbh.

[Symps07]

I think just writing it here helped tbh, it helped it to not be so scary. The thing is that it's unfortunately brought up things which aren't related to the ocd that I would rather forget about. I have struggled for years to get a decent relationship with my dad and the ocd is now trying to convince me that he abused me as a kid. The fact that I can't remember things from my childhood, and the fact that he wasn't the best dad in the world, are like being brought up as evidence of this in my head. I really don't want to believe that he is like that. I can't remember anything like that. I can't really bring it up with anyone because in the past myself and him fell out very badly for unrelated reasons. I don't know what has happened to trigger this off. I had a dream about something related to this a few months ago and ever since then the ocd has been trying to convince me that this happened, by thinking well if you didn't why would you have that sort of dream, and so on. I am finding the whole thing massively distressing to be honest and it is keeping me awake at night trying to remember if this happened. As it happens tonight I was at his house and the entire time I was trying to fight this obsession and it made me feel so disgusted with myself and worried about if I could trust him.

I had thought my ocd was gone or under control which is why this is a real shock. It is awful and I forgot how awful this illness was.

Same here. I had one type of OCD & was treated for it three years ago, & now I've got another type of OCD. It really shook me at first as I didn't feel it was OCD, but now I've come to understand that it is OCD, I'm starting to deal with it.

Just writing this down has made me feel a lot better tbh.

Glad to hear :original: Hope things get better for you :original:

[paianjen]

The thing is that I have read things on the Internet that say that if something like that happened then my brain will block it out and I won't remember it. So the fact I can't remember anything like that is being used as evidence that it happened. I really don't want to have to fight this obsession all the time as it is so disturbing.

I am starting to feel a bit better about it though. I have been feeling so guilty and terrified of talking about my obsession with anyone which is making it worse

Edited December 28, 2014 by yaasehshalom

[Symps07]

The thing is that I have read things on the Internet that say that if something like that happened then my brain will block it out and I won't remember it. So the fact I can't remember anything like that is being used as evidence that it happened. I really don't want to have to fight this obsession all the time as it is so disturbing.

I am starting to feel a bit better about it though. I have been feeling so guilty and terrified of talking about my obsession with anyone which is making it worse

Googling is a big no no! It'll just add fuel to the fire of your OCD.

But don't feel guilty about talking about your obsession, if you can't do it in person, come on here & have a chat :original:

[paianjen]

I think the fact that I am so worried about it shows that he didn't do it, right? In any case I am feeling a lot better today, I am not so worried about it any more. I spoke about this to a mate a while back and she told me not to worry about it and I would just torture myself because there was no way of finding out.

[Symps07]

I think the fact that I am so worried about it shows that he didn't do it, right? In any case I am feeling a lot better today, I am not so worried about it any more. I spoke about this to a mate a while back and she told me not to worry about it and I would just torture myself because there was no way of finding out.

I'm not answering the first bit as that would be providing you with reassurance :original: But I am glad you are feeling better today :original:

[paianjen]

Umm i am getting horrible intrusive thoughts, when I was a kid I sometimes used to have baths with both my parents, i had a bath with my dad a couple of times and I am sure nothing happened, but I am really worried that it did and I feel like my brain is turning everything into something sexual, I am becoming incredibly worried and upset, it was quite normal when I was a kid for my parents to walk around naked, and I am so worried that something happened when I know that it didn't but I am not sure what to think any more

There's no way I am gonna know, I mean I can't exactly ask him can I

[paianjen]

The other thing is that I did a search on the Internet about whether I can trust memories and it came up with the fact that many people remember this stuff after many years, but the thing is that me and my dad have never got on that well and I can remember other things that he did which (according to my memories) were really not as bad, but have affected me for years. I can clearly remember arguments that he and my mum had, and things he said to me and my sister. I am really paranoid this could be a real memory that I am remembering now but how could it be?

[paianjen]

I'm also having paranoid thoughts that I myself have sexually abused someone or made them do something they didn't want to do. I am getting quite paranoid and upset

[paianjen]

Can anyone reply? I am feeling a bit desperate. I don't want reassurance but just someone to talk to as I can't say anything in real life.

[Whirlwind]

It's all OCD. When you feel like you are going to investigate the thought further try to stop yourself and say it's OCD. I know it's hard because sometimes your mind runs away before you can realise then you start worrying. But your imagination is coming up with things to scare you and increase anxiety. That's why it's an anxiety disorder.

[taurean]

Whirlwind is spot on.

My OCD also revels in making connections to personalise .

Part of my therapy is to recognise that and treat the happenings as "third party" with no connection to me.

Sometimes this overwhelms me but when feeling strong mentally it is much better.

[paianjen]

It's all OCD. When you feel like you are going to investigate the thought further try to stop yourself and say it's OCD. I know it's hard because sometimes your mind runs away before you can realise then you start worrying. But your imagination is coming up with things to scare you and increase anxiety. That's why it's an anxiety disorder.

Ok but how can I tell the difference between anxiety caused by ocd and anxiety caused by remembering things that actually happened? It doesn't help that in trying to disprove the ocd I am thinking about things that did happen as a compulsion to disprove the fake memory (assuming it is fake) and getting really depressed. I'm thinking 'look at this, this definitely happened' to try and disprove my thoughts and some of the real memories I am thinking about I'd rather forget altogether.

[PolarBear]

You basically answered your own question above. If you're performing compulsions to try to figure something out, answer a big question, and you had intrusive thoughts that caused distress, then you're dealing with OCD.

[paianjen]

Thanks

I have basically been through my entire childhood trying to work out if this happened. I went out with a mate tonight and was able to distract myself from the thoughts so I am feeling a bit better now. The only thing that concerns me is that the thoughts seem real so it's hard to say whether they are real or just intrusive thoughts.

I have usually been able to dismiss the thoughts since discovering I had ocd but this seemed very real and in addition, not the sort of thing people usually obsess over. This entire thing was triggered by a dream which I had a few months ago with really disgusting content. Since it seemed so real (even though I know the events in the dream didn't happen and aren't related to my obsession) I have gone backwards and forwards in my mind trying to work out why I thought of such a thing and came up with this horrible obsession.

The fact that I have been obsessed with being a paedophile is really bothering me too, I have had the paedo obsession since I was 13 or so on and off, I keep wondering whether there is something in my childhood that led me to have that type of ocd. Maybe there is but then again loads of people thought they are paedos and weren't abused right? Being a paedo is just seen as abhorrent and the fact I had ocd over it doesn't mean that I was abused does it?

I find the whole thing so horrible and upsetting, if my dad was a paedo then I won't be able to see him and will have to spend the rest of my life hating him, I won't be able to leave my kids with him if I have kids and will never be able to tell anyone why.

Why am I obsessed with him being a paedo when he has always been incredibly embarrassed by sex and doesn't even like kids, which is one of my major issues that I had!

The other thing that could be evidence is that when I was in reception I drew a picture of my dad doing a wee, I have no idea why I think I maybe walked in on him or something. That can't be evidence he is a paedo is it? And when I was a child my mum took a photo of me running around naked. There's nothing to worry about with that is there, when my parents we're just relaxed around nudity, it doesn't mean they were paedos does it?

God I am really sorry, I find that writing this stuff helps. Because what my brain is presenting as evidence, when written down it just looks ridiculous.arrrgh

[PolarBear]

Well you're asking for a lot of reassurance, which I won't get into. OCD is a standalone disorder. Nothing had to happen to you in the past in order for you to have any kind of obsession today. It's luck of the draw or something. We don't know why people get one obsession or another. It just happens. Trying to figure out why you have certain obsessions is a hopeless exercise. You'll never figure it out.

Obviously you ruminate over your obsessions. That's something you need to be aware of and work hard at stopping. Rumination is a compulsion, as sure as washing your hands many times.

[paianjen]

Feeling a lot better today i just read back over my post and the 'evidence' sounds absolutely ridiculous.