Weird spikes

[Saffie]

I had a weird spike the other day and wondered about others' thoughts on these types of spike. With my POCD, sometimes I will get intrusive thoughts or random somewhat sexual feelings around them, when playing with them etc. Ive had POCD like this for years so I'm used to it, I'm exposed a lot and have done CBT, on meds etc, and cut compulsions almost completely. But it never goes away. What I find is that most people with OCD run from the things they fear. Like if they get a groinal response around a kid they will then they will avoid them. Ive noticed that I get bad episodes because I dont really do this much. Like yesterday, my little brother threw something at me soI kicked it away so he couldnt have it. I then held him back as he tried to grab it off the floor, and as I was seated, my hand was pushing him back in the crotch area (it incidentally was there because of where I automatically reached out to stop him getting past). I had an intrusive thought, as usual, it didnt really bother me much, but I kept my hand there for another second or two after I'd had the thought. And that felt wrong. Like I was going 'keep your hand there because it's perverted' and I did. Although obviously I dont fancy my brother, little things like this happen a lot. I will get a bad thought or feeling, then carry on as if I am acting on the thought. I only get anxious afterwards.

A few of my past obsessions have turned out to have been true to an extent (HOCD, suicide OCD etc) (sorry to spike anyone). I accept that now but as I understood it people with OCD dont act on their thoughts at all, whereas this seems to be acting on them in some small way, pushing the boundaries or something. An even worse, when I have had genuine feelings of arousal when interacting (not due to them but due to sexual associations etc), and Ive carried on what I was doing, even automatically conscientiously doing it again, then it really does seem like it's an inappropriate act. I fail to see the difference between that and any other person without OCD doing something inappropriate? Can anyone relate or shed some light on this?

thanks

[Saffie]

anyone?

[PolarBear]

It's all OCD. A non-OCD person would not have latched onto the situation with their hand near his crotch. It was an everyday, minor situation. Your OCD blew it all out of proportion. You're making it worse by trying to figure it out, trying to decide if it was inappropriate or not. Leave it alone.

[fefee]

Your doing the first part right , when at the start ur not reacting to the thought , now u need to take it to the next level wen u don't start ruminating like 10 mins or a hr later avert situation later

[Saffie]

Yeah I do need to properly face the fear and let it go. Ive had a million similar spikes recently and have not analysed them. This one just made me wonder. I'm not really too concerned about it, I know an OCD thought when I see one. I just wondered what part of OCD makes us feel like we want to do/act on thoughts, and then do in these small, but generally insignificant, ways.

Also, I have been actively doing exposure for a long time. Every time, though, a new spike comes along, I treat iit the same way, it's really difficult but it eventually passes if I sit with it, all the while wreaking havoc on my life in general (getting things done, etc), then another one comes along and the cycle starts all over again. Im exhausted with it really. It's been 8 years now. In between spikes it is also waves of deep depression. I was told by the psychiatrist that because Ive had so many relapses, it is more difficult to treat effectively. (the Kimberley effect or something). I don't dwell on the things that OCD has taken from me, but seriously, am I ever going to be able to hold down a job? how many more christmas's, birthdays, new years, will be ruined? why on earth is assisted suicide not available in the UK? I've always looked forward to death but I'm tired of life now, it's overrated. I would just like a little peace in the meantime while I wait for it to come.

[fefee]

Ah Safiie, no way it's awful u suffering like this , I be had pocd 3yeats and comes down this , maybe I'm pedofile maybe I'm not , maybe I want to act on thoughts maybe I don't , stop tying to analysis thoughts feeling and weird sensations in ur body .

I focus on this , I am a good and loving person , I'm entitled to a wonderful and happy life , I choose today not listen to those thoughts , I choose to be happy .

Do you take any medication ? Where are u reguards cbt and that

[Saffie]

That's great to hear fefee, glad you're on the right track. Truth is I know that even if it were true and I was a paedo I cant do anything about it, I don't really care at this stage. But I still get this disabling anxiety over having done this/that. I'm on Clomipramine, Seroquel and Epilum. Had CBT in the past and now on another waiting list, but have done all the workbooks myself in the meantime. My Mum knows a lot about CBT too so Ive had the techniques drummed into me lol. Doesn't cure anything though, just tends to make it manageable for short periods.

[fefee]

Ok have you any erp cause you can do cbt til ur blue in the face and really it's exposure therapy that kicks pocd butt

[fefee]

Was ur last therapist any good

[Saffie]

Yeah I did a lot of flooding, then tiered exposure. Then they messed up my appointments so went off the list. The therapist was great, but then I wasnt able to see someone for a long time as waiting lists were up to 2 years. I also get a lot of exposure being around younger siblings, my mum forces me to bath them, change them etc. It does help, it's just this really is the last fear in the ine of fears. No amount of acceptance, non-responding to thoughts or exposure seems to fully be enough to allow me to get back to normality. I dont even know what normality is lol, Ive been like this since I was 15. I'm on the list again, have an appointment for assessment in January, which Ive done a million times, and will probably go on a list then. Not sure how long wait times are now.

[fefee]

Gees this really brakes my heart , cause I had pocd and can really empathises with you .

Have u ever spoken met other with pocd ? That really helped me

What about singing , I am a pedofile to the song jingle bells , sounds riduliculas and it is but then u end up laughing then that can really dispel fears .

Do u attend support groups

[Saffie]

haha that's actually a good idea, it works. I know a few people with OCD, one of my best friends has it too. It helps talking to them but I try not to too much as it just ends up being unhealthy and reassurance seeking. I guess I can live with the possibility of being a paedophile, but not the possibility of having done something/acted on it.

I am hoping to attend the London support group soon havent been yet.

[fefee]

Gosh u really tired everything , maybe just one day it will jus stop , like mine did

Wish u so much luck xxx

[Saffie]

Maybe. I hope it won't be a constant struggle, it's really beaten me down. Especially this past year. I really hope your recovery continues x

[ocdsufferer85]

Hey @Saffie I was hoping we could chat please?

[Saffie]

hi @ocdsufferer85 yeah sure

[ocdsufferer85]

@Saffie it won't let me send messages to you

[Saffie]

@ocdsufferer85 oh really? Not sure why that is :/ I know this is an old post but is it something you could post here? 

[ocdsufferer85]

On 01/01/2015 at 19:35, Saffie said:

What I find is that most people with OCD run from the things they fear. Like if they get a groinal response around a kid they will then they will avoid them. Ive noticed that I get bad episodes because I dont really do this much. Like yesterday, my little brother threw something at me soI kicked it away so he couldnt have it. I then held him back as he tried to grab it off the floor, and as I was seated, my hand was pushing him back in the crotch area (it incidentally was there because of where I automatically reached out to stop him getting past). I had an intrusive thought, as usual, it didnt really bother me much, but I kept my hand there for another second or two after I'd had the thought. And that felt wrong. Like I was going 'keep your hand there because it's perverted' and I did. Although obviously I dont fancy my brother, little things like this happen a lot. I will get a bad thought or feeling, then carry on as if I am acting on the thought. I only get anxious afterwards.

I wanted to talk about this as i have the same worry but different theme..

Worrying I should have run away from my fear but I stayed in it..

Could you try to message me please?

[taurean]

You should have the conversation on the forum sufferer - that will be in line with the forum rules and enables the moderators to intercede if they feel guidance is not quite right. 

It also enables others who may have similar problems to learn, or contribute from their own experiences. 

N.b. a person may not be accepting messages because they don't want to and have so set their settings on their account. Or their message inbox may be full and need messages deleting before they can receive more. 

Or  other reasons such as not wishing to accept messages from a particular member. 

We all have message setting options should we wish to use them.

[ocdsufferer85]

Hi no she wants to talk she doesn't understand why it won't work @taurean

[taurean]

She will need to look at her various account settings to see what setting is stopping this or if, more likely, her inbox is too full

 

[Saffie]

Hey, it was a long time ago I posted this. Truthfully it won't matter how I tell you it's not important, it'll only temporarily reassure you. The only real way to move past this is to allow yourself to be with the anxiety without analysing it. Thinking it out is an endless search, it honestly never ends. Surrendering to the not knowing is how you'll get clarity. You know deep down that trying to figure it out won't work, it'll only drag you deeper into the pit. But I do get where you're coming from. You're certainly not alone, these thoughts and feelings are very common. 

[Zazoo]

Groinal reactions are evil, I had a couple today and it was unpleasant but I avoided compulsions and stayed put

[ocdsufferer85]

@Saffie

20 hours ago, ocdsufferer85 said:

I had an intrusive thought, as usual, it didnt really bother me much, but I kept my hand there for another second or two after I'd had the thought. And that felt wrong. Like I was going 'keep your hand there because it's perverted' and I did. Although obviously I dont fancy my brother, little things like this happen a lot. I will get a bad thought or feeling, then carry on as if I am acting on the thought. I only get anxious afterwards

It's this... 

I feel like this is what happens to me.

In the moment I feel like I was staying rather than running from my fear.

I know 100% that I didn't want to be there but as it was hitting me I felt like I had two brains - one saying no don't listen it's rubbish and the other saying what if you did something bad, what if this is bad

A voice (ocd) says "imagine if you said it,  imagine if you spoke that bad thought"  

So it feels like it's so easy to do and I find myself lost in it, was I trying to prove to ocd that it was silly, or was I showing ocd I'd never go through with it,  or was I reacting to the urge even though I didn't want to, or was I testing myself? It hits me right after it happens and makes me think that whatever happened was for a bad bad bad bad bad reason.