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Hi everyone



I don't tend to post on here much now as I was one of the lucky ones who received excellent CBT and help and for the most part overcome my Pure O OCD intrusive thoughts, though it does come back in times of stress for me. I take 20mg Fluoxetine twice a day to help me.



However at the moment I am as low as I have been ever with a problem that has been going on for many years now. I don't know if it is entirely OCD but it is certainly a large part of it I think. It is making me very depressed, costing me hours of my life thinking and ruminating and to my mind has no resolution in sight. It goes on and on and I thought it's time I ask for advice because it has been a very private problem that has stayed in my head in many years now.



I'll start by giving a little background. I am a 31 years old male and have never had a relationship which I understand is very unusual. I go on dates and the online stuff and try and meet people but haven't found anyone yet. I am sociable, friendly decent person with no ties. I am constantly confused by the idea that at times I may find men attractive. I'm not sure If I really do, or if it's just in my head, I become so confused and tormented by it all that I really don't know what is going on anymore.



I seem to spend lots of time on many days, looking at photos of people and celebrities on instagram, facebook and the internet to see if I find guys attractive, or how I feel about them shirtless. I will click on a friends facebook page and click to friends of theirs I do not know to look at the photos of all their friends too. I'll look at people when I am shopping and get anxious if I think I find them attractive. I know looking and checking is very much a reassurance method and a way of checking things. Other days I am convinced I am straight and someone who is just totally confused by everything. But I really do not know. And a time when most people have had several relationships, and some married with babies it's hard to get to this time of life and still not know yourself. I couldn't tell you if I am straight, gay, bi-sexual, a-sexual but it is making my life so tough at the moment!



I have read a bit about HOCD (excuse the acronym) and much of it seems to ring true with the obsessing and anxiety I am experiencing around my personal life. I was just hoping by posting on here, someone might be able to give me some practical advice of how I can help myself and get to the bottom of this. I've some bad times with the OCD but I have never felt so low as I do with issue which gives me many dark thoughts and hours of ruminating and anxiety.



I'd love to hear about some practical steps I can take to assist me going forward. Sorry for the long post and thanks again. I went to see my GP this week and he has sent a letter to the local mental health services which can hopefully offer me some assistance, but it could be a while before I see anyone I imagine.



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First, I'm sorry to read about how you are feeling. Second, you came to the right place and I think your attitude is good (a lot of people with this obsession convince themselves they're definitely gay and won't listen to any alternative explanations). If thinking about being gay is distressing and you have no moral objections to it, it's probably OCD. But that isn't the most important thing you need to figure out. What's really crucial is that you identify all your compulsions (e.g. looking at pictures online to see whom you're attracted to) and stop doing them as much as you possibly can. It sounds like you know this already but compulsions are the fuel for OCD's fire. Good luck!

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It's very difficult to say but it certainly has all the Hallmarks of OCD the time spent on it, the checking, comparing, the anxiety and anguish. The fact that you've got to 31 and haven't had a relationship has probably pushed you into endless soul-searching as to why and then *Bang* it's become an OCD theme for you.

I must confess I'm pleased I came from a different generation pre-internet where there was no such thing as Dating Sites. You met someone in a pub, at College, work, Photography Society, Church...whatever and found you liked someone for many reasons....they made you laugh, you like their smile, they were kind, interesting and it was a slow development of things like "Yeah, I really like her/him" so you dated. Now it's instant, see a picture, read a profile (both often inaccurate) go on a date.....get it wrong or see them again almost by default...not because there's been a natural attraction. I only mention it as a factor as to why possibly you've not been successful yet at meeting the person you click with.

Back to the problem....your answer will become more apparent when you try and reduce the compulsive behavior, and that's something you're going to try and have to do by reducing the checking, the ruminating etc. Do you feel this is something you could start to work on?

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The CBT you had that worked so well is the same therapy you need to enact for your current theme. You are keeping the doubt around your sexuality alive by ruminating and performing other compulsions, like checking out males on the Internet. Stop doing those compulsions and the doubt will start to fade.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest lifechanger

Hi Mcajshaw

In addition to the great responses above, I just wanted to add:

I have been through much of what you have described. Believe me, most men go through plenty of "soul searching" regarding their sexuality at some stage in their lives (even those who do not have OCD). It is part of the human condition. I think this is an important first point to realise. Even if there was a "part" of you that felt some attraction at times to the same gender, this is actually quite normal even for people who consider themselves "straight" in the main (and any psychologist worth their salt would tell you the same - plus research into human sexuality has shown this time and again).

Secondly, as others have said, much of what you describe sounds OCD-related. A great clinical psychologist I saw many years ago regarding this matter always repeated the same mantra which helped me get through all this: "Cut out all the compulsions - and see what you're left with". In other words, get rid of all the checking, ruminating and anxiety (which can be a process), and then you will be in a better position to navigate your way through this area of your life. It is the only way really.

Just on the subject about you not having had a "relationship": I have mates who are married with families and also mates who are single. The guys who are single seem to have a few "hang ups" about meeting someone, and indeed a couple of them have also not had any serious relationships in their life. However, they still seem pretty happy in their lives and don't get too obsessed (hence the need to address your OCD). Whereas the guys with the families are pretty stressed with family life and screaming kids running around! Just thought it was worth pointing out to give things a little balance :)

Kind regards

LC

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mcajshaw

I just want to say that I have the same problem HOCD

I understand your suffer, it hurts like hell.

we are doing this to ourselves by trying to solve it.

(an apology for grammar mistakes this is not my native languaje)

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