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Relationship OCD (ROCD)


Guest SurfRider

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Guest SurfRider

I haven't done too well with romantic relationships in my life. I've had seven girlfriends, and all of them dumped me. I get a fair number of women who are interested in me, but things always fizzle out. There are no fights or drama; these women just sort of wander off. Almost none of them complained about any of my behaviors or indicated that they were dissatisfied with me or the relationship. They just came to me one day and told me it was over, or they stopped responding to my messages.

I've spent a lot of time reading men's dating advice to try to solve the problem of why women leave me. I thought it was because they weren't feeling enough attraction to me (which is what men's dating advice usually says), but I don't think that's quite it. I'm wondering now if it was relationship OCD, or ROCD.

I'm thinking back to a few relationships I had where things were going well. In those relationships, when it looked like things were going to get serious, I suddenly became preoccupied with some minor flaw in her, usually something that I hadn't even noticed until we'd been dating for a bit. For one woman, it was that her personality was "too much sweet and not enough spicy." For another, it was some moles that she had that I hadn't even thought about until we'd been dating for awhile. For another, it was that she had brownish skin because she was 1/4 Mexican (I'm pretty white, and I thought she was quite attractive, including her brown skin, and it didn't start to bother me until we'd been dating for a few weeks. I am not a racist.) All three of these women were good relationship partners and were quite attractive to me, but somehow I managed to let some minor flaw totally disqualify each of them in my mind as a prospective life partner. I am now quite sad that I lost these women. Two of them dumped me because, presumably, they wanted to get married (we were Mormons) and I wasn't taking initiative to move towards marriage, so they left to find a man who would move things towards marriage. The other dumped me because she claimed that she received a revelation from God that she needed to dump me.

I never criticized my girlfriends for these small flaws. I silently let the flaws gnaw at me and decided that these relationships wouldn't work out. But since I knew that my objections were irrational and were silly reasons for ending otherwise good relationships, I couldn't break up with these women, so I just continued with the relationship and waited for them to break up with me. They probably sensed that I was emotionally checked out.

I didn't really ask for reassurance from these women in typical OCD fashion. It was more that I wanted to make sure that I was in the right relationship, and any flaws in her meant I was in the wrong relationship. How could I be sure that she was the right person, and how could I be sure that I wouldn't find someone else later that I would like better? When I read about ROCD, it made sense to me. People with ROCD worry about being in the right relationship, or obsess about small flaws in their partner, or wonder if there's someone out there who would be better.

Does anyone have experience with this, or have any advice?

Edited by SurfRider
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Guest Habibmilan21

Hey surfrider,

Those sound like ROCD patterns. I've been struggling with it for the past 2 years. It started a year after I got into a relationship with my girlfriend. Obsessions on small flaws, doubts about the relationship and so on. You just have to learn to disregard them and realise she's worth the trouble.

Hope you feel better

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I'm wondering now if it was relationship OCD, or ROCD.

Those sound like ROCD patterns.

I think it is important we are clear about this, there is no such thing as ROCD (you won't find the term in any medical book), so no SurfRider you don't suffer with ROCD, however what I think you suffer with is OCD. People think I am pernickety when I make such claims, but I am not, the problem is not the R part, the problem is the OCD part. Too many people focus on trying to deal with the R part and not the OCD.

OCD involves unwanted intrusive thoughts and doubts (on any subject) and how we deal with those thoughts (which sometimes our emotions will play a part). So in treating this you would not necessarily focus on the flaws in your partners, just like any form of OCD you will learn to ignore the OCD obsessional fears (be it about being contaminated, not checked something or that partner is not quite right).

So yes Surfrider what you describe is a symptom of OCD (medical term) but not ROCD (no such medical term).

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Guest SurfRider

Yeah, I doubt that ROCD is in the DSM-V. I read some articles from the OCD Center of Los Angeles, including this one about ROCD: http://ocdla.com/rocd-relationship-ocd-myth-of-the-one-3665 . Even though ROCD and POCD etc. aren't discreet diagnoses, I've found them helpful in identifying symptoms.

In any case Ashley, you're right about the fact that dealing with ROCD is more about addressing OCD problems than relationship problems. For quite awhile I've tried to deal with my relationship problems from the relationship angle (and the men's dating advice/PUA angle) rather than the OCD angle, and it's gotten me nowhere. I was aware of my OCD when I was dating most of the women I mentioned, but it never occurred to me that my doubts about the relationship and my obsessions with their imperfections were caused by OCD. I accepted my doubts as factual rather than OCD.

I have a difficult problem now in that most ROCD advice is for people who are already in a relationship. If you're in a relationship, you can work on the ROCD directly. But I'm single and I don't have any relationship prospects on the immediate horizon. All the women I mentioned above are married to other men now (Mormons get married quickly.) My ROCD doesn't really get activated until the relationship gets serious. So how do I work on ROCD if I'm not in a relationship?

Edited by SurfRider
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Guest SurfRider

So I've got a catch-22 here. I can't have a relationship until I overcome ROCD. But I can't overcome ROCD unless I'm in a relationship.

Maybe there's still a way to do ERP. When in a relationship, I obsess about small flaws in my girlfriend, especially small physical flaws like moles, discolored or misshaped teeth, gum line, etc. Would it work for me to ask women out that specifically have such flaws, but that I still find at least somewhat attractive? Then maybe I'll make my move during the date to touch or kiss them, to help me see that being with such women is still enjoyable, even if they have flaws?

The obsession usually gets bad at the prospect that the flaw - that mole or that tooth - is going to be there in front of me every day for the rest of my life, and I won't have the option of getting away from it by finding a different woman. Do you think that this ERP strategy - asking women out who specifically have the flaws that bother me - will help?

Edited by SurfRider
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  • 2 years later...

I got here by looking for the word "moles." I'm kinda shy to start a new thread, but let me just say that I think someone I otherwise find attractive may have an unappealing and large mole around the neck and this is my current OCD theme. (IDK what it is, this is just an online crush.)

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