'Innocent people don't confess...'

[Legend]

Hi legend.

I seem to do ok until I get triggered. I have had some therapy but it didn't do that much to help. I can't go on like this, it will be 4 years this year of absolute torture over one blasted intrusive thought that I can't see past and that I believe is true or has some truth to it. x

More CBT requested ?

[Saz]

I feel like its all too far gone, can't seem to undo the mess I've caused. 4 years soon of the same disgusting thought. How can I undo it? It's not that I'm not listening because I am and it really upsets me when people say I'm ignoring their advice because I'm not im trying. It must'nt be going away because it's true, that's the only explanation. X

[Saz]

Just feeling so hopeless with it all. Not good.

[taurean]

The issue is that you keep connecting with, giving belief to, the thoughts; so they don't reduce.

We all have to do this with our intrusions , whatever the theme in which they manifest themselves.

Really stop connecting and believing and keep doing that;this is what the recoverees have told you they did.

[Legend]

I feel like its all too far gone, can't seem to undo the mess I've caused. 4 years soon of the same disgusting thought. How can I undo it? It's not that I'm not listening because I am and it really upsets me when people say I'm ignoring their advice because I'm not im trying. It must'nt be going away because it's true, that's the only explanation. X

Then pick phone up, speak to gp and ask for CBT from a therapist that treats ocd.

[Saz]

But I shouldn't be telling them I have ocd. I feel a fraud doing that, if that makes sense. I struggle so bad that this is false memory.

This always seems to flare up worse when im due a night out. I feel like I don't deserve to go out and enjoy myself x

[taurean]

Re the night out, that IS the OCD talking to you - trying agian to link into your false memory. Youy need to learn to spot it, in all it's ways of trying to muscle in, openly or covertly. This . happens right across the forum members, on many themes. Those that learn to do this, generally improve.

What do you do? Refuse to give in to it, and go. That is what dear Ashley did recently, he didn't give in, and he went to a function he was very reticent about.

The sooner Saz you realise that keep giving meaning and belief to the thought "I feel a fraud doing that, if that makes sense. I struggle so bad that this is false memory" then the stronger that intrusion will be - that I am afraid is how this disorder works.

[Legend]

But I shouldn't be telling them I have ocd. I feel a fraud doing that, if that makes sense. I struggle so bad that this is false memory.

This always seems to flare up worse when im due a night out. I feel like I don't deserve to go out and enjoy myself x

Have you called gp for cbt refferal saz

looks like the thread is being not so good for your recovery

[Saz]

No I've had some therapy before but it wasn't great. When the gp said your having 'intrusive thoughts? I said yes but I didn't fully believe I was. Can't cope. Supposed to be getting ready now and i don't want to go out x

[gingerbreadgirl]

How are you doing Saz? x

[Saz]

Hiya sorry for late reply..feeling a bit under the weather with stomach and back troubless and tiredness. I am getting it looked into thought so hopefully sort it soon.

To be honest I've been that tired this week I've not been thinking too much about it. I keep getting little spikes or jolts of anxiety occasionally but I try brush them off (even though that's sooo hard). I hate that I still can't see this for what it is and it's like even if I accept it as false memory now, I'll think back to being sat in the Dr's waiting room when I was so distressed, feeling so awful and guilty, that I will think it's real, like theirs no way I would have felt like that for nothing because I'm not daft, I know my own mind and that felt real to me

I did go on my night out but unfortunately I had some problems with my friend which spoilt the night and needless to say I woke up anxious - even though I didn't cause any of it.

Looking forward to a nice family weekend trip to the peak district on Friday for couple of nights...lots of fresh air and walking is always good for the soul. X

Edited March 15, 2016 by Saz

[Legend]

No I've had some therapy before but it wasn't great. When the gp said your having 'intrusive thoughts? I said yes but I didn't fully believe I was. Can't cope. Supposed to be getting ready now and i don't want to go out x

got to be brutal and get that cbt saz x

Edited March 15, 2016 by Legend

[taurean]

Legend

Saz was granted a max no of CBT sessions of which she has used a number.

She reported in that the therapist had not given her more knowledge on false memory than she had learned here, but she kept the remaining sessions in hand.

It seems we have between us - including help from recoverees - put together a good basis for addressing false memory OCD but Saz still struggles with believing it's OCD and the lack of certainty.

Really it seems that until she accepts those, and stops giving belief to the intrusions - which of course makes them stronger - she will not be able to break free.

[bendylouise]

Hello. i'm sorry to jump in but i was able to concentrate on this thread i think 'cos i think i react a similar way to Saz and the great responses, esp by GBG, Snow, et al made clear sense to me.

i have to remind all that a huge prob i have is back pain which prevents me from just typing when i want to, so it is v often impossible 4 me to join in.

i feel u need some real quality time on your own to take things slowly and attempt to begin with the suggestions made by caramoole &GBG. all the best,BL

[Saz]

Thanks everyone..I just feel horrible. I would love to help people out on here...I think I can give good advice and am very emphatic but then I think why bother because the truth will come out and my life will be over. I'm trying so hard you have to believe me. X

[taurean]

Give some advice Saz and ignore those thoughts.

[gingerbreadgirl]

yep - go right ahead and give advice.

[Saz]

But I feel like a fraud, I truly do, it doesn't feel like I deserve to be on here with you lovely people and give advice.

[gingerbreadgirl]

You have to ignore your feelings, saz.

[Caramoole]

But I feel like a fraud, I truly do,

You've got to stop this Saz and like everyone who has OCD, take responsibility for yourself in getting well.....and just like everyone else, that means living with convincing levels of doubt.

This same statement just repeats almost daily but there doesn't seem to be any feedback about the changes you've tried, what worked, what didn't, what helped a little, what you found hard to implement. Simply enduring the OCD doesn't help improve it, you have to be proactive in changing behaviour.

I'm sorry if that sounds tough but it's a fact. You won't get any better just doing the same things

[Saz]

I understand what your saying caramoole. I probably sound really self absorbed and like a broken recored. I don't mean to at all.

I'm always looking for ways to distract myself. I am quite an active person, out and about always with my kids and if you met me you wouldn't have a clue about all of this. I guess I probably do let everything out on the forum and I'm sorry if that seems selfish, I'm not a selfish person, at least I hope not.

I am at a loss as what to try/do and the more I keep going round in this circle of 2 days feeling ok, 5 days not, the more I just keep coming to the same conclusion about all of this.

I think that I won't ever feel 'ok' about any of this, the whole thing is too powerful and wrong - so I know I need to stop posting on here and wasting people's time, I absolutely know this 100%! x

[Saz]

And here I am again.

I feel so down and stressed out. It's a beautiful day and I dont want to go out...I keep crying. I am very under the weather at the moment and my whole body is aching. I am going out though, I'm taking the kids to the little funfair and I know fresh air will do me good but I feel like I don't deserve anything, I feel disgusting. I've stopped myself from posting for a few days but I just felt the need to post just now so I don't feel as on my own. It's ridiculous though because I'm posting on here but I don't feel I should be, I've just got used to you saying it's ocd false memory so I've convinced myself this is what it is. I'm literally in tears writing this. I have friends and family but I just can't talk to them about this. I feel like I'm going to lose everything and everyone. I was so happy before everything. I wish some of you lived near by.

[Saz]

Not sure if any of you read my above post but I'm feeling no better at all. I'm feeling quite horrendous to be fair and I don't know what to do

[gingerbreadgirl]

I have thought long and hard about what to say to this, Saz, and I think I haven't said anything because I honestly don't know what to say that hasn't been said a thousand times.

Hope you feel better soon x

[Saz]

That's ok, thanks x