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Where to start to beat this


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We sadly have now reached an all time low with my Son.  We are now at our wits end with him.  Over Christmas when we were all off it has became apparent just how bad things have got with him when he wasn't getting to bed until 6am some mornings due to doing rituals, so not able to get up in the morning Constantly having melt downs when he woke up and found he hadn't finished all his rituals from the night before, and not joining in hardly any family things. 

Today he fell out with his brother over a lift to the station (he was late again) and he is now blaming us for the fact that he will struggle to get to college because his brother has now firmly refused to take him to the station any more.  I have phoned the college who have said he can see their counsellor but he has to get the ball rolling by asking to see her - we can't do it.  They also will not allow him any room for late attendance - he will be disciplined the same as anyone else.  So not a great help there.  I have also found a private therapist who looks really good but she is out of our budget at the moment.  I spoke to her on the phone and I think she can help as she specialises in OCD.  He still refuses to see the doctor.  I am so frustrated and stressed, and so is his Dad and brother and he is so unhappy, even the dog goes to her bed and keeps out of the way - this just an awful way to live and I am exhausted as is he and just don't know where to turn next.   He says he can't give up the rituals as they make him feel safe - safe from being homeless (we are hoping to move house and he doesn't want to), and safe from failing in life.  Any suggestions please?

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Hi again Moving on,

From his refusal to see the doctor and lack of action in contacting the college counsellor on his own behalf it sounds like he isn't ready to challenge his OCD thoughts yet. But I'm not sure any of us ever are 'ready' - until we're forced into it by circumstances or awaken to the harm OCD is doing to us and others around us. :unsure:  

So maybe, harsh as it seems, the college IS being helpful in saying he'll be disciplined for late attendance. He is an adult, after all, and needs to start taking responsibility for his actions. There are consequences to 'feeling safer by doing rituals' and there are consequences to not seeking treatment (family disruption, imposition on others, falling behind with his studies, and still being miserable to name a few!) If he chooses those options he faces the consequences. 

Persuading him to seek help and engage with treatment is the only way forward. Not easy! Maybe you can try to help him understand his rituals aren't keeping him safe, even if they temporarily make him feel better. And perhaps to see that his greatest fear (becoming homeless) is more likely to happen if he continues as he is rather than less likely. 

Difficult I know, but important the family keep to the ground rules you set before Christmas and don't go back on what he agreed to by giving in to his OCD demands or enabling the OCD by (understandably) trying to make life easier for him where you can. It doesn't help in the long run. 

Sometimes a big life change is the wake up call needed to catalyse change.  Sometimes the grip of OCD is so strong that life spirals down to an unbelievable low point before we wake up to ourselves. But it's his life, his choice and, if it comes to it, you have to let him spiral down alone and put your energy into not letting the whole family fall down with him. :( 

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Thank you Snowbear for your words of wisdom.  Yesterday was an awful day and I woke this morning dreading getting up and facing the stress again.  I need to clear my mind and set out some more ground rules, and talk to him again.

 

Thank you

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  • 1 month later...

I can't believe I started this post nearly a year ago and we still are no further forward to beating this.

I have now realised that although things are bad now - they are very likely to get even worse.

Update

Christmas was awful - no quality family time with him as he spent hours and hours each day of the holiday doing routines.  that's when it really hit home to me that having time on his hands makes things a lot worse and that he doesn't ever fully recover when life goes back to "normal".   The half term holiday saw him spending till lunch time in bed catching up with routines he usually does at night but was too tired to do.   We had melt downs nearly every day as a result.  last weekend it all came to a head again when he had a huge melt down Sunday because he planned to get up and watch something on TV but fell back to sleep.  The result of this was him having a huge bust up with his Dad who told him he can't go on like this and he wants to take him to the doctors, which was met with anger and tantrums and refusal to go.  My husband told him the alternative is that he leaves home  when he is 18 this summer, as he has reached the end of the line with him.  

At first he seemed to be shocked into wanting to make a recovery, then he ranted and blamed us for how bad his life is.  He also tried to tell me that he will make an effort to recover a) when he gets a job - he wants to work at his brothers company (his brother is against this because he doesn't think he will cope with a job or fit in, and b) if he passes his driving test and gets a car (we cannot afford a car and insurance).

 

Home life is now very stressed and my husband and I are barely speaking  as he is so stressed and angry with him (he now thinks we should cancel our holiday as it is not fair to leave his brother to cope with the stress while we are away).

i just don't know what to do next, but I know i need to do something because he finished college in May and it's very clear that unless he has something to occupy him straight away he will spend all his day doing routines.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

  

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Hi moving on. I'm sorry to hear your troubles persist. 

Although you're probably well aware of this already, I just wanted to say not to believe any promise with an 'after this happens' clause (eg. getting a job) and never to allow any bargaining based of a conditional 'if this happens' (eg. 'if he passes his driving test.) Guaranteed it will only act as a postponement and, whether consciously or unconsciously contrived, the condition will never happen. 

I agree useful occupation (and a degree of daily structure) is essential. The time to plan this is now so he has time to absorb the expectation of the plan becoming reality.

Again, probably unnecessary to say it, but don't let him get away with blaming his situation on you. Importantly though, this isn't a 'how dare you blame us after all we've done for you' :mad: issue (Though most parents would see that as a justified response.)

This is about him learning two key cognitive therapy pointers.

1. to accept his choices and behaviours have consequences.

2. to understand our thinking and behaviour controls the pleasure or pain of our experiences, not external circumstances. 

You can help him start the process of absorbing these even without him attending a therapy session. :) 

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Can I just add to that, you absolutely need your holiday, your health and wellbeing is just as important as your son's.  Does his brother need to be there whilst you are away?  Would it be a good time for your son to find out actually what it would be like if he had to move out when he is 18 and he would have to fend for himself in everything?

I expect you have also had the 'its all your fault, you had me!' comment, I know that one well :) 

 

 

 

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Many, many thanks for the replies Snowbear and carolj.  The advice about cognitive therapy pointer is particularly useful as I wasn't aware of them, and plan to start using them from today on wards.  It really helps to share on here and receive such good advice and clarity because some days I feel like there is just no where to turn with this. carolj you made me smile with your comment  its all your fault, you had me! because he is constantly saying this! Your suggestion on him staying on his own while we are away is certainly something i am going to mull over too.

 

Thanks again

 

 

 

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  • 9 months later...

Things have moved on since I last posted - but sadly the OCD has got worse.  My Son is now 18 and will not see  our GP or a counsellor.  Life has become very stressful at home and I don't relish the thought of another year with no recovery progress so my question is - can anyone make any suggestions as to how to start to tackle this ourselves please, as I feel we have to start some where. 

He is currently on holiday from college as he tried all summer to get a job with no success (which means despite constant nagging that he spends half the day in bed and the other half doing rituals), he has changed his course and is much happier with his new choice but worries constantly that he is not going to get a job at the end of it as he was allowed to skip a year of the course due to his age.

 

Christmas day he was almost his old self - relaxed, happy, got out of bed early engaging with the family, which has given me some hope that my son can recover

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Hi movingon,

I'm glad Christmas day went well. :) 

Unfortunately there's not much likely to improve until your son is motivated to change. Getting him to see a therapist is only the first step, but even CBT won't achieve much if he's not willing to put in the work.  Perhaps the way forward is to encourage him to think of things he could do if he was OCD-free -  and help him believe change is possible. I think a lot of people get so stuck in the 'essential' nature of doing rituals stop believing (or forget) there's another way to live. 

Maybe some younger folk will drop by and post a few ideas on how to motivate him. 

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54 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Hi movingon,

I'm glad Christmas day went well. :) 

Unfortunately there's not much likely to improve until your son is motivated to change. Getting him to see a therapist is only the first step, but even CBT won't achieve much if he's not willing to put in the work.  Perhaps the way forward is to encourage him to think of things he could do if he was OCD-free -  and help him believe change is possible. I think a lot of people get so stuck in the 'essential' nature of doing rituals stop believing (or forget) there's another way to live. 

Maybe some younger folk will drop by and post a few ideas on how to motivate him. 

Thank you for your reply Snowbear.  I have spoken to him so many times about trying to find a way forward so he can enjoy a life like other people he compares himself with, but despite laying out plans and seeming to be motivated when it comes to actually making changes he doesn't do it, then tells me that he is making changes that we don't see and they take time to make an impact.  i just feel like I am hitting my ahead against a brick wall all the time, and it is so painful to see him so tired, down and living his teenage years like this.

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18 minutes ago, movingon said:

then tells me that he is making changes that we don't see and they take time to make an impact.

Ah yes. I used that excuse myself for several decades. Sadly it is just an excuse not to face up to the changes and not to have to talk to anybody about the OCD or its demands. :( 

Challenge him. Ask him to explain what changes he's made and how he's thinking differently now that's going to have an impact. And ask him how long he estimates it will be before the changes he's put in place will make a visible difference. Be brave, don't shy away from questions he finds difficult to answer. 

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55 minutes ago, snowbear said:

Ah yes. I used that excuse myself for several decades. Sadly it is just an excuse not to face up to the changes and not to have to talk to anybody about the OCD or its demands. :( 

Challenge him. Ask him to explain what changes he's made and how he's thinking differently now that's going to have an impact. And ask him how long he estimates it will be before the changes he's put in place will make a visible difference. Be brave, don't shy away from questions he finds difficult to answer. 

When I challenged him he was evasive saying it's happening trust me and be patient and you will see the results, although he couldn't say when.  I think he is so exhausted with doing rituals before going to sleep and so much of the day that he wants to make changes but doesn't have the energy to keep them going - it's the same old vicious circle. 

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Can I ask what happens when he goes to college?  How many days a week is it?  You said earlier your son is happier with his new course, so presumably he manages to get up for that.  My son does really badly under pressure, I think he feels his head is going to explode.  I'm sure you have already tried it, but praising him for the little things, I find is very gratefully received.  Try to get him not to worry about employment opportunities at the end of the course, he can deal with that when the time comes.  Does he have, or need, student support?

Encourage him to make very small changes that he can maintain and then tell him how proud of him you are.  If he is setting himself difficult targets, he will just be demoralised and not bother.

I agree with you, the sleep problem is a vicious circle.  I would stop nagging, give yourself a rest, it probably makes no difference anyway.  Praise him for getting up for college and perhaps find other reasons for him to get up on time during the week.  

I can't remember, does he have hobbies?  My son took up mountain biking.  He does it in fits and starts, but he says its the one thing that gives him relief from OCD.  He has to concentrate so hard on staying on the track, there is no time for anything else!

Snowbear will know better than me, but I have only really recently understood from my son that he feels guilty about the way he is and me going on about it, makes that even worse.  I always told my son that I would find him help as soon as he was ready and one day he did say to me, he couldn't cope any longer by himself, but it did take until he was about 20.  

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  • 4 weeks later...

Thank you for your replies.

He does get up for college - it's always a rush as he leaves everything till the last minute and is often a few minutes late (he drives now which is another issue and a new fear is that he will have an accident or lose his driving license). 

Is your Son recovered  now Carol? 

I am trying a new approach at the moment of trying to get him to make his own decisions about things instead of keep giving him advice and seeing if it makes him think things through a bit more instead of relying on other people to keep doing it for him, and hope it might help in some way as I am at a loss really what else to do.

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The driving fear will probably wax and wane, as it does with my son.  He goes from racing on the track, to not wanting to drive down the road, but a happy medium usually returns in the end.

I know what you mean about letting your son make his own decisions, that too was my feeling.  OCD takes so much, any bit of control they can have over their lives must be good.

Im always loath to say my son hasn't recovered, because we all need to feel there is light at the end of the tunnel, its important to remember everyone's OCD is different and the path to recovery.   I would say he does have it under control for periods of time.  It surfaces when he is under pressure, but I suppose we are now better equipped to deal with it.

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P S  Now I have an update.  My son saw his psychiatrist today and tells me for the first time ever, he is in remission!  He still suffers from terrible anxiety, but the fact OCD is in remission, calls for a celebration and Im very proud of him, especially as it comes at a time that things haven't been easy.  I think remission is a good word.  My daughter had leukaemia when she was 8.  She now has a family of her own, but the professionals never say cured, they always say remission.

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That's so good to hear Carol - congratulations to you both.  Can I ask how long your Son has been seeing the psychiatrist?

We have realised my Sons OCD is triggered by loss, he fears losing things that are important to him.  realising this helps a little bit to understand where it is all coming from, but I'm still unsure what to do to help.  I have also been trying to control his hoarding by throwing things away as soon as possible so he doesn't get attached to them. 

Enjoy your celebration - it's great to hear such good news x

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Let's just say that David's psychiatrist, who is well known in the world of OCD, told him he had been with her longer than any other patient and that was a couple of years ago!  He has had periods of time that he hasn't needed to go though.  Now its anxiety to conquer.

I totally understand what you are saying.  My son's OCD revolves around something happening to people and animals he cares about and its really hard to be brave and and not carry out rituals when you believe it keeps people safe.

Thank you for your good wishes.

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On 30/01/2018 at 20:00, carolj said:

My son saw his psychiatrist today and tells me for the first time ever, he is in remission!   I think remission is a good word.  My daughter had leukaemia when she was 8.  She now has a family of her own, but the professionals never say cured, they always say remission.

Just wanted to say congratulations on your son's 'remission', Carol. :)  That's wonderful news!

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