Desperately need help but nobody ever seems to reply to my posts

[pureosufferer]

I'm literally at my wits' end now. I've been fighting pure o my whole life and never seeming to get anywhere. I've been doing CBT for the last two months but that has just made the whole situation worse, not better.

I really can't convince myself that these thoughts are unwanted anymore. Sometimes I feel drawn to thinking the thoughts even though I really do desperately want them to just go away. I just want to have a normal life where I'm the one in charge, not the pure o. I feel quite strongly suicidal and have even spoken to a suicide prevention hotline.

I live abroad and so medication and proper treatment is not really an option for me, I have to do CBT online with a counsellor and while he is great the CBT itself doesn't seem to be working, in fact it just makes the obsessions worse.

I've posted a couple of posts in the past but nobody has replied to them. I feel so alone and hopeless. I don't know where to turn or what to do.

[Mcajshaw]

Remember the thoughts are causing you some much distress because they are not the sort of thoughts you would choose to have. This is OCD talking not you.

If you were happy with the thoughts, you would not be upset. I suffered badly with Pure O thoughts before CBT. You need to do your best and say "Hey I'm going to let that thought come in my head and pay it as little attention as I can. It's only a thought".

And in turn time, OCD will find that actually you are no longer being bullied by these thoughts, you can let them flow through your head and out of the other side. It will take time, but you can do it my friend. Persevere with your CBT and do your best, Keep going mate.

Edited May 20, 2016 by Mcajshaw

[pureosufferer]

Thank you so much for your reply. The trouble I have is that sometimes I can't feel any anxiety when I have the thoughts. Not that I don't, I just CAN'T feel anxiety. It's even scarier.

[Phili]

Thank you so much for your reply. The trouble I have is that sometimes I can't feel any anxiety when I have the thoughts. Not that I don't, I just CAN'T feel anxiety. It's even scarier.

Yes, I know but that is normal in OCD. Don't try to convince yourself anything about the thoughts, you can't logic with OCD. I know its hard.

[Guest BadgerFox]

It's not that people are deliberately ignoring you, it's just the wrestling with similar demons. We find the strength to help each other when we can but it can be hard for, say, someone with obsessive fears of what others will think of them, to come on and talk supportively to strangers. Heck, Pure O makes it hard to actually CONCENTRATE to read OR write forums posts. So please don't think the folks on here think your OCD problems are unimportant. I think your posts are heartbreaking, frankly (although I also think you have a great deal of strength too).

From reading your recent posts, I wonder if you're getting stuck on this point of not being able to feel anxiety? Unless you think it's a sign of depression (emotional numbness can be one symptom), It's usually a great sign that the therapy is starting to work. Yes, some people do panic because they mistake this healthy habituation for a sinister sign that they secretly 'like' the thoughts, but if you're vigilant for this side-effect, there's no need to feel disturbed. It's a TOTALLY natural stage we all pass through.

The CBT can take a while to work for some people, sometimes even 3 - 4 months before you see any improvement. It may temporarily make you worse, and I appreciate this is very hard to bear.

Please consider all your options, even if it means making big life decisions. You say you're living abroad and the mental health care isn't good there. Can you come home to the UK? If the other option you're considering is suicide (seriously, please don't. I know you're in a lot of pain right now, and that's completely understandable, but some of us really do weep when we check the daily news and hear a fellow sufferer tragically didn't get the support they needed to make it. I might not know you but I still care about you, you know), then the unpleasant experience of being flown home to the UK because of severe psychiatric illness is the lesser of two evils. Plenty of travellers have a psychotic break or similar due to the stress of travelling, so you'd hardly be the first.

Is there a friend or relative you could temporarily stay with whilst you get a handle on your symptoms? Is there emergency psychiatric medical care in the country you're in (even if it's not great)? Can you access private medical care? Have you got access to an over-the-counter or buyable-online anti-anxiety remedy (for example, inositol powder or n-acetyl-cysteine capsules, both of which are well-tolerated, legal, able to reduce OCD symptoms, and generally free of side-effects)? Can you even just reduce stress, drop unnecessary responsibilities, and give yourself a dedicated time/space to work on your brain, where you are?

Keep up the CBT if you can, even if it's incredibly hard. Desperately wanting the thoughts to go away is not necessarily the aim, I guess, it's more about telling the thoughts you don't care IF they're there?

[Guest Anna24]

I completely understand how you feel and I know how terrifying these thoughts can be. I have been doing so much better in the last year and I honestly thought that I was the only person with OCD who could never get better because I thought my thoughts were the absolute worst ones ever. Most of the time I was completely convinced that I didn't even have OCD and because I didn't have physical compulsions I kept thinking that i was just in denial about my thoughts. I know just how convincing your brain can be making you believe the thoughts are real, it is terrifying. I also did CBT and for me it also made things much worse. I was supposed to play out scenarios in my head and imagine what it would be like for my thoughts to be real but I just couldn't do it, it was like every time I tried to imagine something my brain would tell me I liked the thoughts and this just convinced me further that it wasn't OCD and like you I felt absolutely suicidal. What has helped me though is just stopping engaging with the thoughts. For example if I had the thought 'you looked at that girls boobs you must be a lesbian' and felt I had to test myself to see if it was true or not, I just wouldn't do it. Don't get me wrong it took so long to have the strength to actually be able to say to myself I don't have to engage with this thought, but I just kept trying to do it and now I feel like I've almost completely defeated my OCD. And if you feel guilty about not engaging with the thought or u think that it means you're just in denial about the thoughts, that's still the OCD talking, that's what it wants you to believe!