Sexual Orientation OCD and Dating websites, yes or no?

[Mcajshaw]

I'll start by giving a little background. I am a 33 years old male and have never had a relationship which I understand is very unusual. I go on dates and the online stuff and try and meet people but haven't found anyone yet. I am sociable, friendly decent person with no ties. I am constantly confused by the idea that at times I may find men attractive. I'm not sure If I really do, or if it's just in my head, I become so confused and tormented by it all that I really don't know what is going on anymore. I definitely have sexual orientation OCD which which I have begun CBT.

I seem to spend lots of time on many days, looking at photos of people and celebrities on instagram, facebook and the internet to see if I find guys attractive, or how I feel about them shirtless. I will click on a friends facebook page and click to friends of theirs I do not know to look at the photos of all their friends too. I'll look at people when I am shopping and get anxious if I think I find them attractive. I know looking and checking is very much a reassurance method and a way of checking things. Other days I am convinced I am straight and someone who is just totally confused by everything. But I really do not know. And a time when most people have had several relationships, and some married with babies it's hard to get to this time of life and still not know yourself. I couldn't tell you if I am straight, gay, bi-sexual, a-sexual but it is making my life so tough at the moment!

I have started to receive CBT for this, but it's the very early stages and any practical steps to stop checking/thinking would be helpful.

An additional question I have is this...I am on a few dating websites (Match etc), but not sure if trying to meet girls or analysising my attractiveness to them is a good idea in this stage of my journey. I often doubt my attraction to women, and sometimes specifically to breasts which guys seem to obsess about. But at the same time I am 33 and if I am a straight guy then you never know I might someone, so it's a difficult one. If I just come off them, is that just more avoidance? Should I left the whole thing of sexual orientation alone full stop and come of those sites, or will that not help?

Any thoughts/advice much appreciated.

Jon

Edited May 20, 2016 by Mcajshaw

[Phili]

Firstly, it isn't that weird to have never had a relationship at 33, maybe for totally healthy people but even then, only if you listen to social stereotypes.

Secondly, the dating website is likely something you hold off on, you have to realize that its a two way thing at the stage you are at I don't think it would be possible to lead a normal relationship and that would be unfair to the other person, I would say that you are not ready.

In OCD, the more you try to logic with it, the more it ensnares you. If I think I have an illness, I have to think, so what, if I got it, I got it, what can I do about it. You have to do the same thing with your sexuality. Let it go, stop questioning it.

When I think that with an illness, I think, well having an illness is serious what if, what if, what if and you will get anxiety and you will get what ifs, but it works for every type of OCD, you have to let it go, even though that is much easier said that done.

[Guest BadgerFox]

Greetings, Jon! Sorry to hear you're going through such a doubtful time with your OCD, but it's grea that you're getting proper CBT treatment for it :)

Unfortunately the advice on how to stop checking is necessarily blunt: stop checking.

I know that's disappointing , but...it is more about willpower than technique at this stage, you know? There's no special method for stopping your compulsive checking behaviours except to try to remove the worst temptations at first, and then to learn how to quickly 'catch' your mind ruminating on someone's attractiveness etc. For the first one, unplug the internet or block Facebook/Instagram if necessary. You can try engaging normally with it when you're a bit further recovered. For the second one, if you're out shopping and catch your mind starting to size up whether someone's good-looking, take a deep breath and force your mind to engage with the loaf of bread in front of you. It will be incredibly difficult the first few times, for sure. But as you practice, it gets easier to redirect your attention to only the task at hand (meditation can help since it literally re-trains your mind not to wander; might be worth looking into?). 

If you're up for a little bedtime reading, there's an absolutely brilliant book just come out on sexual orientation OCD obsessions - 'Pure' by Rose Bretecher. It's not a self-help book. It's more about her experiences and her OCD recovery. My guess, from what you've written, is you might find yourself pointing at many pages going 'THAT'S ME! THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL!'. Knowledge is power, with OCD. The better-armed you are with information about how this type of OCD works, the likelier your recovery :)

[Guest BadgerFox]

Also, by-the-bye, being 33 and not having been in relationships or experienced sureness about your sexuality is not that unusual. My partner was telling people he was a biromantic asexual at 36, and was in an open marriage with a woman who was dating someone else. Which all sounds very exotic...but he turned out to be completely wrong about his relationship preferences.  He's now cheerfully in a monogamous heterosexual marriage, is not remotely asexual, and admits bisexuality wasn't really for him after all. 

Takeaway message: embrace the uncertainty! :) You'll never get 100% certainty about your sexuality,if even non-OCD folks can't be sure, so train your mind to be content with not knowing.

[Wonderer]

Hiya, I suffer with this theme as well, I'm in a lovely and very healthy 15yr long relationship, sometimes I'm so convinced I'm gay it's unreal even though there's always that tiny voice inside that disagrees, but because I know the root is OCD and it can almost convince us of anything I just continue in my relationship as normal, I sleep with my partner as normal and find that when I'm out the other side of an episode that I am not really gay at all! So in my opinion, why should u shut down ur dating profile? You should go and meet someone who catches your eye, not analysing yourself, you shouldn't let OCD from stopping you from meeting someone and having a happy relationship! However if it's being used solely to check your reactions to the women then yes, shut it down, but a relationship is something that everyone is entitled to, and OCD should not be given permission to hinder that pursuit! Sexuality is very complex but people without OCD know that and don't care. I remember voicing my fears and the reasons why I felt I was confused and all my friends were totally unfazed, because they too had the exact same feelings, thoughts etc as I had! A few bottles of wine and a lot of giggles later Some were even relieved! many said they had wondered about it before but we're too embarrassed to ask anyone about it! Because they didn't have OCD, they didn't tie themselves up in knots about it the way we do! And they are now my inspiration when I'm having a wobble because I look at them also leading happy relationships and not freaking out 24/7 about what may go on in their heads from time to time, and my goal is to be like them, people who don't have OCD! ? xx

[Wonderer]

Oh and another thing, badgerfox is right, the book pure by rose bretecher is absolutely fantastic! I bought and read it recently, i was gobsmacked, it was me! All of it! Felt like the pages were screaming out at me, it was an incredible read, and just shows that when it comes down to it, the sexual obsessions in people with OCD manifest in very typically the same fashion! So it's good to know that u are not alone! Xx