In a mess

[Northern Star]

I don't even know if this is the right forum but I'm just going to type away. Apologies if it's in the wrong place.

So, I leave for uni tomorrow. All day I have been fluctuating between being excited and being scared, which I'm sure is normal. My mum and I got on well today, my dad was out all day. This evening she's been drinking and he's just been being argumentative and hypocritical, which bugs me. (not even got the energy to swear). My mum wanted me to hug her on the sofa, but I kept saying no. I don't know what I should have said/done.

I'm almost in tears. I feel so alone, so scared, so frightened. I've looked at the timetable for the first week and, assuming I'm lucky with when I have to register with a doc, then I'm intending to just get away from things Thurs-Sun. There are a couple of talks freshers are supposed to go to, one on Thurs, one on Fri, but thinking of even spending 4 days there scares the **** outta me at the mo, so I don't think I can stay for the whole week.

I haven't started packing my clothes yet. I'm convinced I'm going to forget something vital.

I've even been thinking about self-harming at uni today.

I don't know what I'm going to do if I have one of my OCD panics where I decide my bedding is contaminated and all has to be washed. I'm taking my own bedding. I'll just have to put it all in the wash if that happens. It's going to be so expensive, having to pay £1.20 every time I want to do some washing. I know it should act as an incentive to me to stop washing so much, but I don't think I have the courage to.

I'm sorry for the moan, so so depressed tonight.

I'm so scared, terrified. I feel so alone.

[Guest Ducard]

Hi Star. Sorry to hear about your situation. Don’t know if this will help at all, but when I set of for Uni, I was very scared to. I had to go on my own on the train, and then stay in my small bed-sit for about 5 days before Uni started. This was so I could, in my mind anyway, get used to living on my own. What I found though, once I had gotten started on my course, was that because I was out of my usual surroundings, and I had this feeling of independence, and self-reliance, it made me feel more able to cope. Like I had a fresh start. Now im not saying that I didn’t still have OCD issues, but when I would get an attack, it just didn’t mean so much to me. You have done an extraordinary thing by getting your self to this level of education, whilst combating extra ordinary problems. Most people don’t even get that far with "normal" lives. As for your bedding etc, I know it sounds very easy to say, but no real or perceived contaminant that you could come in to contact with in your sleeping area, or house, can do you any harm at all, that’s a fact. And although, like me, it may still weigh on your mind that your sheet may be dirty, it is only as "dirty" as everyone else’s. Please try to give your self a rest, because as far as I can tell, you have earned it.

[Guest meg5]

Hi I just saw your post and want you to know you are not alone, I am thinking of you. I can understand , being a contamination person myself.

I have son who left for uni a week ago . He too was both excited and nervous . I think he was more nervous than he would admit to. I know you have the extra issues of contamination. I think you can only take it one minute at a time , try not to think too far ahead.

It is a huge change in your life and I imagine lots of the others will also have anxieties of one sort of another. Do you use any relaxation strategies? When you get there you will probably find that there is so much of interest that the ocd aspects might fade a bit. I do do wish you all the best for tomorrow. Meg

[Caramoole]

Deep Breathes Jo

The Country over there will be people like you, anxious, uncertain, excited, yet afraid as they set off for Uni, you're far from unusual even amongst those who's lives don't have other complications. It's a big step.

This is a great new step for you, it could even be a an opportunity for a change in fortunes. Just remember, you've been unhappy and alone at home, okay, it's signified safety but that's been more to do with familiarity than actual support.

Everyone tomorrow will be feeling the same, they'll all be alone, they'll all have some degree of apprehension and you're all stepping out into a new phase of life. Get ready to join in and use the skills you have to help the others through, bet you find you'll get swept along because you're all in the same boat. Don't avoid all the Freshers activities, it's a great time to make friends.

Make sure you get your medical support systems in place, make sure you've got contact numbers for your Pysch and anyone else who can help support you. If the self-harm urges come, pick up the phone or get yourself here.

You'll be okay Jo, be prepared for the OCD to try and strike but look it in the face and know it for what it is. This could be a whole new start for you

My mum wanted me to hug her on the sofa, but I kept saying no. I don't know what I should have said/done.

This was exactly what you should have done Jo, well done for finding the courage. The more you take that stance, the less likely it will occur in the future. You don't have to tolerate this.

Get packing Lady, pack a huge load of optimism and a large measure of Good Wishes from all of us here.

It's a new start Jo, scary but exciting, I hope to see you grow into your own person, grow in confidence and grow in your courage against OCD.

Lots of Luck, I'll be thinking of you

Caramoole :hug:

[Guest roufie]

Hi NS i had contamination OCD all through my many years at Uni and i still have it and i grad. the first time in 1996...omg getting old...anyways it was intially hard but i got into a routine and when things got bad i kept an image in my head (neagative) how my life would be if i didn;t go to uni..also my Mum said i wouldn't last at Uni and would come back home..that made me so angry that i wasn't going to let her win!!! or OCD for that matter. Proving my mum wrong has kept me going even now when i have a very well paid job/house/car my mum keeps telling me that i will become a recluse, eccentric mad bat who lives by herself (there s suppose to be one on every street with cats!!!urban myth) i won't have animals due to the OCD..cheers mum. I use that image to get me out of bed and to work every morning...what are you studying at uni? my sister went back to uni today. she's a 2nd year and was very nervous going back since they are now in private houses.

[Guest han]

Hey Northern Star,

I just wanted to wish you luck for uni It is perfectly normal to feel both scared and excited and as Caramoole said, everyone else will be feeling the same. I know this because when I started uni, literally everyone I spoke to felt this. The important thing is to be yourself, and introduce yourself to everyone in surrounding rooms when you arrive; invite them round for a cup of tea or whatever.... and just have confidence and speak to lots of people, because this is the best way to decide who you can see yourself being friends with. And most importantly, have fun!

Sorry i can't give any advice on the ocd front; all i'll say is that you'll probably be so distracted with all thats going on and all the fun you're having that you won't be focused on the ocd...

Best wishes,

Han xx

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Stay cool, NS :cool2:

So, I leave for uni tomorrow.

Very best-of-the-best luck to you for settling in quickly :clover: . Remember, this is what you've been aiming for. This is your new start... you're finally achieving your independence. OK, I'll concede that independence from OCD is a separate challenge - but you've worked hard against your OCD in some trying situations at home and I have every confidence that you can apply this strength to dealing with the nerviness of moving into your new environment.

All day I have been fluctuating between being excited and being scared, which I'm sure is normal.

Oh, yes, that's normal. I remember my first day away from home at uni; a new abode, new friends, new work, new social context. Everybody feels that mixture of excitement and trepidation. It's amazing, though, just how quickly familiarity is attained and how a new set of routines is achieved.

I'm so scared, terrified. I feel so alone.

As Caramoole says, be sure to engage as fully as you can in the freshers' activities. Again, everybody is in the same boat in terms of needing to find likeminded people to bond with. These new friends will help to distract you and will - without realising - help you to focus on the issues that deserve your attention moreso than OCD.

As for the thoughts of SH... :no: , as you know, these thoughts are a reaction to your uncertainty and your searching for self-confidence in an unfamiliar situation. Make sure that you know your medical support contingency and who/how to contact. Don't give up on all that you've achieved against the SH!!!!

I'm a great believer that the more overwhelming the anticipation of a situation, the easier is the reality. Think about your talk at the conference and your pre-stage nerves. And what of the reality?

I was terrified before the speech and was actually shaking at the start...

... But once I got going it became easier and I even started to enjoy it *shock, gasp*

Go for it, young lady!

(once again, please excuse text tag on smiley!)

[Guest 24/7]

What he said!

THere's bound to be a lot of emotion involved in this move today and frankly I would be more worried if there weren't!!!!!

I'd also hazard a guess that this is less to do with "OCD attacks" and more to do with straightforward, ordniary, normal, nothing-to-be-afraid-of reactions to your situation, the fact that the very worst parts of it you can now leave behind you, and that the future, a safer future, a more secure one, starts RIGHT NOW

The stuff you are going through now could be argued to be a cathartic release for all those moments which have been kept pent up inside you, when you wanted to tell your family how you were really feeling and what you were really thinking inside you but felt you couldn't.

Well, now you can - or you can choose to leave them behind in that place. You have the choice and you have the power. Go use it.

From today you live your life your way, for your own goals and aims and wishes, in your own manner and with your own agenda. Things get better now by degrees.

(Geddit? *groooaaannn!*)

*hugs* - I'm going through my own private hell today but be assured my best wishes are with you. I also want to call you tomorrow to make sure you are okay and to wish you a happy birthday!!! Oops - did I say that out loud??

[Guest PatsyG]

Hey Jo!

I think you've been given some really good advise here and there isnt much i can add but i wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow and let you know that i will be thinking of you!

You can do this Jo, look at all those things you have achieved in the past, im sure you never thought youd be doing those things either!

As said before, many others are feeling similar to you right now so its no surprise you're feeling the way you do right now.

I bet you'll feel much better once you get there hun! The anticipation and fear are a lot worse than actually doing it, im sure you will actually feel relief to be finally getting on with things rather than having to worry about it!

Ill be thinking about you Jo, take care oh and a very early

:happybday: :happybirth: in advance in case i should miss you tomorrow!!

Lots of love, Patsy XX

[Guest Creative Cat]

Hi Jo,

I just wanted to chime in with everyone else and say best wishes to you as you venture off to your new life as a university student! :cheer: I went away to school years ago and it was scary, but you'll find that other people are feeling the same way and its a great time to make new friends because the new students need support and are looking for pals to go through all of the new experiences together. I hope that you make some wonderful new friends and that things get started well for you! Please keep us tuned in on how your are doing and all!

Congrats on your new relationship too

Blessings to you and I'll be praying for you,

CC

[Northern Star]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

Well, I'm here. My mood is going up and down like a yo-yo. I'm finding it quite stressful trying to do all the normal uni stuff like register etc. I've registered for my course and for some card thing you're supposed to get but haven't managed to work out when I'm supposed to register at the doctor's, so I need to do that later. I don't want to be here, I'll be honest with you. I've met some nice people but I'm so shy and when I get depressed I tend to withdraw, which is basically the worst thing I could do at the mo.

At least I've got my internet up and running now. Am more in touch with people, including a girl from my school who is in a different hall (albeit one quite a way away!), so she is coming over to see me in a few mins I think.

This is a great new step for you, it could even be a an opportunity for a change in fortunes. Just remember, you've been unhappy and alone at home, okay, it's signified safety but that's been more to do with familiarity than actual support.

I thought that when I moved here everything would be much better, and I hope in time it will be =). I need to work on my eating/drinking though. I have barely drunk since Sat, and skipped breakfast and lunch today. It's not as bad as it sounds - I decided I'd rather sleep than eat! (we were sitting around chatting and eating birthday cake until the early hours of the morning!) and then I had to register over lunchtime.

Make sure you get your medical support systems in place, make sure you've got contact numbers for your Pysch and anyone else who can help support you. If the self-harm urges come, pick up the phone or get yourself here.

I'm trying to find out about registering with a doc, not least because I only have 2 weeks' worth of meds. My psych back in Manchester is great; she has said that we can do phone sessions or I can go up there once a month or whatever, basically I should just let her know when I've got my timetable etc.

what are you studying at uni? my sister went back to uni today. she's a 2nd year and was very nervous going back since they are now in private houses.

I'm doing French Studies (or will be next week when we start actually doing some work ). I'm really glad my sister lives close too, she's just about 15 mins' walk away. Plus, her boyfriend is even closer I think so they have said that if I can get in a mess or lost or whatever to just call one of them or turn up or whatever. They came round to see me last night, which was nice. She's also said she can come round tonight (bringing me pressies!). My room is starting to look more like mine now...have unpacked most stuff, got my books out, got my own possessions lying about the place, got music on, got a collection of soap, washing stuff!

As for the thoughts of SH... , as you know, these thoughts are a reaction to your uncertainty and your searching for self-confidence in an unfamiliar situation. Make sure that you know your medical support contingency and who/how to contact. Don't give up on all that you've achieved against the SH!!!!

I don't even know how long it has been now, I need to work it out. Months, though . I know that SH won't solve anything, I've even just said that to 24/7 on a different thread. Just that when I'm in the thick of depression it feels like it would be a good idea :no:

I'd also hazard a guess that this is less to do with "OCD attacks" and more to do with straightforward, ordniary, normal, nothing-to-be-afraid-of reactions to your situation, the fact that the very worst parts of it you can now leave behind you, and that the future, a safer future, a more secure one, starts RIGHT NOW

Certainly you're partially right. I think a lot of what I'm going through is normal and everyone will be feeling at least simliar, if not the same. OCD just makes things harder though! I haven't discovered where the laundry room is yet, will go for an explore later! There's a running joke between the group of us on my corridor that none of us has ventured above the first floor yet!

From today you live your life your way, for your own goals and aims and wishes, in your own manner and with your own agenda. Things get better now by degrees.

(Geddit? *groooaaannn!*)

Even by your standards, that is awful! Although, actually, maybe it does fit in around your usual standard .

*hugs* - I'm going through my own private hell today but be assured my best wishes are with you. I also want to call you tomorrow to make sure you are okay and to wish you a happy birthday!!! Oops - did I say that out loud??

My best wishes are with you too *hugs*. You were the first to wish me a happy birthday, closely followed by someone else off here .

Edited September 26, 2005 by Guest

[Guest ScottOCDid]

Hope your mood stabilises in time for you to enjoy your birthday celebrations later on. It's good to hear that your sister is close by to offer her support.

Have fun.

Scott

:happybday:

[Northern Star]

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Just got back to my room. I have to be up in about 5 and a half hours. Myself and loads of other freshers went to a club tonight. My OCD and depression were hellish. I can't really explain how I feel. Hell would probably be a good description. Thank goodness I have a couple of people on here whom I have been talking to. I just don't want to wake up in the morning. This feels too much. My mood is fluctuating so much. I was fine earlier, but within about half an hour it had completely dropped.

[Guest Lizbeth]

Dear Jo,

I'm not sure I can think of anything helpful to say but I wanted to try :blushing: My first two weeks at university were deeply unpleasant....I had just started going out with someone who I was CRAZY about and who was miles and miles away-sound familiar?! I was really anxious and frightened-combination of OCD and GAD and the normal stress of the first two weeks of university I think. My bloody eczema also chose this time to flair up to hellish proportions and I was almost permanently on tablets that made me drowsy. :dry:

A lot of people (with or without OCD) find these weeks very, very stressful. If you've got anxiety, other problems it's like being thrown in the deep end and sometimes it's exhilirating and sometimes it does feel like drowning. In time though, I swear, it will get easier. You CAN be happy there...you can make a life for yourself that is yours and not dictated by other people. Every day that you stay there is an achievement for you and another step towards feeling settled and normal. The mood swings do stabilise. Just try and think of the people you love most and how proud they are of you and how even if you feel unsure they know you can do this. I'm sorry if I've been no help at all but I wanted to try cos I remember how hard it was. Take very good care of yourself.

Lots of love,

xxJadexx

[Guest flap]

Hi Northern Star.

I've been reading these boards for a while now and only just plucked up the courage to reply to messages. I graduated from uni three years back and can honestly say the whole uni experiance has made me a much stonger person. My OCD eventually got diagnosed during my second year at uni but I have suffered since I was little. Some days were very hard as I was terrified of contamination and had to travel for an hour every day on the train there and back (I unlike you didn't pluck up enough courage to live in so I applaud you for it, you are very brave). While I was uni I did have bad days (thats why I eventually went to the doctors and got diagnosed) but the good days more than made up for it. I met some amazing people who are my greatest friends and once I stuck myself into my studies my OCD often took a back seat.

I still have contamination fears slightly but my OCD has moved on to other things. There will be times when it is hard but the overall experiance and strength completing uni gave me was well worth all the hard times. And once you settle in I am sure you will start feeling much better. I hope that I have given you a small amount of help with this post. Stay stong Northern star and remember we are all here for you.

Don't let the OCD win, that is what it wants. If we stay strong we can all beat it together.

Hope I've been some help.

Flap

[Guest Soldiering on]

AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!

Just got back to my room. I have to be up in about 5 and a half hours. Myself and loads of other freshers went to a club tonight. My OCD and depression were hellish. I can't really explain how I feel. Hell would probably be a good description. Thank goodness I have a couple of people on here whom I have been talking to. I just don't want to wake up in the morning. This feels too much. My mood is fluctuating so much. I was fine earlier, but within about half an hour it had completely dropped.

Stay brave. I know the pain of a 'good' night out when you can't shake the bad feelings for the whole evening. At Uni I got quite lethargic and also found that even going to bars had become a strange chore. My OCD was mild to non existent back then, but I started suffering a degree of anxiety - getting drinks, my hands would shake and my voice would tremble as I ordered.

But you know what? There's lots of ups and downs and you will get both. I'm currently on a lil' up (don't speak too soon!!) and I'm sure you will come back stronger in a day or two!

j

[Northern Star]

Thanks everyone .

Not up to going out tonight, feel like I'd just ruin the atmosphere. The truth is that I am very depressed and can't face another night out of OCD constant worrying. Am also comfort-eating :crybaby:

[Guest ScottOCDid]

While I was uni I did have bad days (thats why I eventually went to the doctors and got diagnosed) but the good days more than made up for it. I met some amazing people who are my greatest friends and once I stuck myself into my studies my OCD often took a back seat.

Reckon that sounds like a good way to look at it, Jo . There will be a great number of positives come out of your time at Uni.

to the boards, flap. That's great that you've started posting .

S

[Stephen]

Welcome to the boards flap! I know you'll benefit from being here, and, look, you've already helped others.

Sorry to use your thread NS.

I'm glad you're eating!

All the best

Stephen